When I was a young man, maybe about 13 or 14 I got involved in the martial arts, because of my personality and the way I was wired I loved the discipline, pain and camaraderie. I met a man there that would become the closest thing I had to a second (and in some places Primary) Father Figure, my Sensei, to this day I do not and will not ever refer to him without this title…he was, and still is my mentor, teacher, Friend and deserves every ounce of respect I can ever convey in words.
Sensei once gave me some advice which I still remember word for word, and am going to impart to you now, because it deals with the crux of my post, and everything that will follow these words. I don’t remember what started the conversation, but I do remember asking something along the lines of if I had no idea what sort of man I wanted to be ? his response – you don’t need to know exactly what you want to be, but find men you admire, and take the best parts from each, then you’ll be a man you can be proud of.
Now, I know there are flaws with the statement, but it rings true…even in D/s and BDSM, what sort of Dom do I want to be ? Last night Dot and talked for 4 hours and a large portion of this revolved around where do we see ourselves going as a D/s Couple ? what do we want out of this ? So I’m going to share what my response was and maybe go into a little more detail about where I see myself as a Dom down the road when I Grow a bit.
I know that because as a couple we wish to incorporate Ritual, and protocol with our D/s Dynamic and this does hold no small amount of appeal for me, I wish to ultimately be someone people respect, I want to be the one that people automatically refer to as Sir, I want to be a Protector, a mentor and a positive figure for perspective Dom’s and Subs, I love to teach…it’s part of my Nature to care and try to help. With the addition of the BDSM dynamic, My little fae assures me I do well at getting a lesson to sink in, and not just from physical punishment.
So, there’s a question that needs answering, what sort of Dom am I now ? I am a caregiver first and foremost, I want My little fae to be healthy, happy, stimulated, and to know that she is loved, and that means even when I am punishing her, she knows that I am teaching a lesson that is in her best interests to learn. I have no small amount of Sadist in me… I crawl right inside her head, just as deeply as she burrows into mine, depending on the lesson, I will wait until she begs me to stop (No safe word) and then go just that Little bit Further so she knows I make the rules and I will not cave. I am a bit of a Daddy Dom, in that I want to see her grow and mature in area’s that she needs guidance, like requesting that she join me in this endeavor to journal our thoughts and feelings. I have a bit of Disciplinarian in me…. I have no problem giving her corner time, or taking her over my knee with the wooden brush. I have other aspects of other Dom styles in me, but they’d take forever to list, so I will cut it off here. I am however first and foremost a Gentleman, and have thought of myself as such since I was much younger and that has translated over… hence why Ritual, and Protocol is going to (hopefully) become a huge part of our dynamic moving forward.
So what are some of my personal Goals as a Dom ?
I want to Continually be a student, and what I mean is ALWAYS learning. New techniques, new punishment methods, always trying to better myself so I can be a better Dom for her. I want to continue to become a better Gentleman, always striving to be someone people can look to for advice, counsel and help if they need it. I want to learn to become a trainer, mentor and have a house where people can come to feel safe, loved and protected.
I know these goals are a LONG way off, but it gives me something to continue to strive for, and all of it, every last bit, as much as it is for me, is also for HER. I want her to be Proud to call me Sir, I want her and I to be these things together, always growing, always learning, about one another and how to help each other grow.
So it begs the question where will I get this Model from ?
In my City, we do have a few D/s Couples and Triads, and they’re good people. However the dynamic we’re most familiar with (bear in mind we haven’t me ALL of the D/s Couples) doesn’t seem to be something that would Play to my strengths and steer me in a direction to achieve my goals. So while Dot and I were talking last night I casually mentioned one of Kink.com’s video series… The Upper Floor… I was under the (mistaken) impression that this was all staged. I was wrong. Dot, years ago when she was a slave, Aspired to be accepted to The Upper Floor, and upon research it is a REAL social experiment that exsists as a 24/7 entity on the top floor of the armory in San Fransisco. Now I should Mention, this is a Multiple master, Multiple slave House, and I do NOT want a slave, BUT I can use some of the information about the slave training and the house rules and we can adapt them to start our journey.
The man spearheading this is basically going to be my benchmark, he is a gentleman first, master and husband second, as well as teacher and mentor. I can identify somewhat with his journey of rebuilding himself which I read on his Fetlife.com profile. I liken him to the Hugh Hefner of BDSM, but Dot assures me as I learn about him and how he became Master Stefanos he will likely surpass this expectation. So I will become a self imposed student, learning what I can from what’s publicly available, how to further my goals and solidify my personality as a Dom, and Finally how to apply them to the people under my care. I want to be the best Dom I can be and if I set the bar lower than the pinnacle I would do myself as well as Dot a Disservice.
Please realize I’m not going all single white female here, what I AM going for is something I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous years ago – Take what works for YOU and leave the rest behind.
For those of you reading this thank you for listening to my self inventory, and perhaps a glimpse of where I want to go… now it begs a question from me – what sort of a Dom are you ? where do you want to be ? What do you want to be a Dom for ? WHY ?
All to often I see people that do not realize, once a Submissive chooses you, your realm of responsibility increases a thousand fold. while everything you do should further your goals – it should also Further goals for you BOTH. A Dom never walks alone, his sub follows whatever path is set, and she does so without question and willingly, because she loves you. Living your life to protect her, grow for and with her should be Evident in EVERY action as a Dom.