I see many people discussing “old school” and “new school” BDSM and how things aren’t how they used to be.
Personally I think that’s why Labels are important in this lifestyle we are all part of. The new and trendy thing in BDSM is to reject labels and be an individual, I’ve heard the statement’s “don’t tell me how to kink” and “others kink may not be your own” all too often. While this is true, it is also narrow minded and just as judgmental as those that people are supposedly rallying against. This is also why I think Labels, protocol and the “old ways” are important to acknowledge and adhere to for people claiming to be D/s couples.
To me, Dominance and submission are more than just tying people up and having your way with them, Dominant and submissives alike have agreed to act a certain way in and out of the bedroom, they have, for lack of a better descriptor, a code that they follow whatever that might be, which is in fact a form of protocol. I agreed to love, honor, protect and guide my little fae to our mutual benefit. The lessons, and punishments I choose may not be something she likes, but she defers to my judgment because it will serve our ends. She is mine, and chooses to serve me, domestically, sexually, and questioning only when clarification is needed.
I, In turn have committed to nurturing that which I see in her, encouraging, cajoling, and finally in my own way showing her just how much her submission means to me. I can be stern, loving or both in doing so, but it is part of our protocol and ritual. Above all it is my responsibility as her dominant to value that which she has given me, which including her submission, is ALL of her soul and being.
To me THAT is being a dominant. if I were simply a top or a sadist, I would be content to “take it” if I was to tell her to do something and she failed to carry out my request. Even if it were in her best interests, secure in the knowledge that our needs would be met in the bedroom. Play (or scenes) alone does not make a relationship, it is simply another form of gratification. As a top and bottom it is one half of a relationship, the corporeal half.
As someone that has recently ventured out into the community at large, I was (and am) both saddened and happy with the results, I have met some wonderful new friends who I value because of their open mindedness, and I hope by voicing my opinion they in no way take it as me undermining the relationships they have cultivated. I am saddened at the same time, because in my small community we seem to be the minority.
When my little fae originally started showing me snippets of BDSM and D/s “life”, she did so with knowledge (and experience [sorry my little fae, I know you hate that word, but it fits here]) and because of that, I had an expectation of what a basic D/s relationship should entail. I studied and read, and practiced what I learned, incorporating it into O/our dynamic, Protocol, Ritual, Discipline and Decorum.
When we finally ventured out, I was excited to talk, learn and share with like-minded people, and to a point, it is exactly what I found. What I also found, was that in terms of D/s, we were light years ahead of other D/s couples. We also found we are (were?) in the minority, the ONLY protocol and service driven couple in the community, more have joined since then, and I look forward to more still coming to our local group.
If I were coming into our group “cold”, and single, as the personality I am, I would have walked out after the first munch and likely had SERIOUS doubts as to whether or not to come back. My Kink is not only sadism, and discipline, but old school D/s. Protocol and service. A Sub for a Sir, together as both Corporeal, and a Spiritual pairing. If all you want is the physical aspect, that’s fine, I hold no ill will or judgement, your kink is not mine.
All I ask is that there is some respect left for those of us that adhere to the “old ways” of BDSM perhaps see what the Titles of dominance and submission really mean to us, and why you might be better served identifying as a Top, bottom, kinkster, or hedonist.
In the end, going forward as a whole bdsm community, we need the old, we need the new, and we need respect for both ways.