BDSM: New Guard, Old Guard, and Titles.

I see many people discussing “old school” and “new school” BDSM and how things aren’t how they used to be.

Personally I think that’s why Labels are important in this lifestyle we are all part of. The new and trendy thing in BDSM  is to reject labels and be an individual, I’ve heard the statement’s “don’t tell me how to kink” and “others kink may not be your own” all too often. While this is true, it is also narrow minded and just as judgmental as those that people are supposedly rallying against. This is also why I think Labels, protocol and the “old ways” are important to acknowledge and adhere to for people claiming to be D/s couples.

To me, Dominance and submission are more than just tying people up and having your way with them, Dominant and submissives alike have agreed to act a certain way in and out of the bedroom, they have, for lack of a better descriptor, a code that they follow whatever that might be, which is in fact a form of protocol. I agreed to love, honor, protect and guide my little fae to our mutual benefit. The lessons, and punishments I choose may not be something she likes, but she defers to my judgment because it will serve our ends. She is mine, and chooses to serve me, domestically, sexually, and questioning only when clarification is needed.

I, In turn have committed to nurturing that which I see in her, encouraging, cajoling, and finally in my own way showing her just how much her submission means to me. I can be stern, loving or both in doing so, but it is part of our protocol and ritual. Above all it is my responsibility as her dominant to value that which she has given me, which including her submission, is ALL of her soul and being.

To me THAT is being a dominant. if I were simply a top or a sadist, I would be content to “take it” if I was to tell her to do something and she failed to carry out my request. Even if it were in her best interests, secure in the knowledge that our needs would be met in the bedroom. Play (or scenes) alone does not make a relationship, it is simply another form of gratification. As a top and bottom it is one half of a relationship, the corporeal half.

As someone that has recently ventured out into the community at large, I was (and am) both saddened and happy with the results, I have met some wonderful new friends who I value because of their open mindedness, and I hope by voicing my opinion they in no way take it as me undermining the relationships they have cultivated. I am saddened at the same time, because in my small community we seem to be the minority.

When my little fae originally started showing me snippets of BDSM and D/s “life”, she did so with knowledge (and experience [sorry my little fae, I know you hate that word, but it fits here]) and because of that, I had an expectation of what a basic D/s relationship should entail. I studied and read, and practiced what I learned, incorporating it into O/our dynamic, Protocol, Ritual, Discipline and Decorum.

When we finally ventured out, I was excited to talk, learn and share with like-minded people, and to a point, it is exactly what I found. What I also found, was that in terms of D/s, we were light years ahead of other D/s couples. We also found we are (were?) in the minority, the ONLY protocol and service driven couple in the community, more have joined since then, and I look forward to more still coming to our local group.

If I were coming into our group “cold”, and single, as the personality I am, I would have walked out after the first munch and likely had SERIOUS doubts as to whether or not to come back. My Kink is not only sadism, and discipline, but old school D/s. Protocol and service. A Sub for a Sir, together as both Corporeal, and a Spiritual pairing. If all you want is the physical aspect, that’s fine, I hold no ill will or judgement, your kink is not mine.

All I ask is that there is some respect left for those of us that adhere to the “old ways” of BDSM perhaps see what the Titles of dominance and submission really mean to us, and why you might be better served identifying as a Top, bottom, kinkster, or hedonist.

In the end, going forward as a whole bdsm community, we need the old, we need the new, and we need respect for both ways.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

 

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Today the Glass Was Full.

Often times as a community of people focused on D/s relationships I see many many blogs, fetlife posts, and meme’s that talk about large sweeping topics, from sub drop to Punishments and dealing with the mental aspect of living this lifestyle. Well, today I found something simple that made me smile, and it got me thinking about the little things we tend to ignore or take for granted.

Today my water glass was full.

Let me give you some context. A while ago during training I mentioned to my little fae, that I would like for the water glass I keep in my bathroom to be filled if she noticed it empty when she went to use my washroom. I am not unrealistically asking her to constantly go out of her way to do so, just a task that I could implement for her to as she put it, “Make my Sir’s life more comfortable”. So early this morning when she realized her multitude of kids locked up the house, and she didn’t have her key, rather than wake them up she snuck into bed with me, I woke up to her snuggling up to me and I was beyond overjoyed, half awake she said she would nap with me for a couple of hours until she had to take one of the kids to work, so I wrapped her up in my arms and quite blissfully drifted off again.

She woke at 10 and I got out of bed to see her out the door, it being a Saturday morning she had likely just finished around 8AM (an almost 11 hour shift for her), so I know well enough I won’t be hearing from her for a few hours yet (it’s currently 4PM). After I kissed her goodbye and she was gone, I passed back out until my alarm woke me up about 3 hours later. I dragged my ass out of bed, fed the cat and headed for the shower. As I took my Dom pendant off and set it on my counter I noticed my glass (which I emptied before bed) was full. My little fae had left her clothes in the bathroom when she got here, to minimize the amount of cat hair from my fuzzy child, and in doing so realized my glass was empty and filled it.

That one Simple act had me smiling the whole duration of my shower.

It got me thinking of the simple things that we often take for granted, when Dot does little things like this for me, it really does show me how much she is thinking of me. It makes me realize how even the barest scent of her on a shirt she left here can turn a bad day into a better one, or how when I call her at work, she lowers her voice so her employees don’t hear her say “I love you, sir” in the office she’d get no end of grief and yet she makes that effort.

It’s not all whips, rope, crawling, and prostration folks, sometimes all it takes to realize that they are yours completely is a  full water glass.

I love that woman more and more every day.

Regards and enjoy the remainder of your weekend.

 

Syn.

 

Viewpoints. Or the one where Syn couldn’t think of a title.

I have talked a lot about what being a Dominant means to me, what having the submission of my little fae means to be, and what it means to me to be a sadist. I’d like to talk about another aspect of my “kink Identity” that I feel I’d like to explore…

My name is Syn, and I’m also a Masochist.

I guess Sadomasochist is closer to the truth, I enjoy giving pain (obviously), although it is done with love, I also enjoy receiving pain, in the same fashion. In order for me to enjoy it however, I have to implicitly trust my partner, and I do, if my trust for her is not evident yet, then I would suggest heading back and reading many of my previous posts.

Recently I’ve been thinking about being a dominant and how you can be a masochist as well. So many people think that Dominants MUST never engage in anything that could remotely be considered “subby”. Well what the Fuck does that Rule out ? Sexually and kinky activities is what I’m talking about here. I’ve heard everything from No Pegging, to never thanking or saying you’re welcome to the sub in question. I’ll be honest here….I’ve thought about allowing Dot and I to experiment with it, as a reward, I know she enjoys it and I’ve been Curious about it myself, but there-in lies the Difference, it’s a REWARD that benefits us both.

I want to experiment, I’d like to tell Dot what to do, or as a reward, let -her- Top….She can be a service top if the mood strikes her, and frankly I’d like to see what she can do in that position, I had a mild brush with a form of “subspace” and the experience was something I’d like to try again. With guidelines, and my blessing(?) to allow her to top, it begs one question.

Does that make me less of a dominant ?

I don’t think so honestly, I am secure in the fact that I continue to act in the best interests of Both of us. She wants to serve me, in whatever way possible, and if engaging my sadomasochistic side is what I desire, I know that at the very least, she will try her best to appease that in whatever way possible – she even enjoys some of the other activities as she has told me on numerous occasions.

Even in the vanilla world, more and more guys are experimenting with the male hands free orgasm. Although I don’t have an Aneros I do have a similar device, that I want to use more frequently.

On top of all that, there’s sensation play (Dot has amazing nails), etc etc.  As a Sir, being able to take time to enjoy Every sensation I can, as a sir, do not do anything or experience anything you, yourself wouldn’t experience yourself. To me that’s just being a responsible Sir.

 

So, the question I have for both Dom and Sub alike is:

what do you think ?

I’m looking forward to discussing these things with my little fae at length and getting other input as well.

One Final thought from me – Dominance and Submission isn’t just in the bedroom as far as I’m concerned – I will always protect her, I will always do my best to guide, Cherish and nurture her….and in revealing and discussing this, aren’t I just showing her another way to serve me better ?

 

Regards,

 

Syn.

Mentors, Making progress, and MMO’S.

Lately I’ve had nothing but time to think about where I’d like to see my little fae and I go as a D/s couple.

We have a fairly Solid idea of things we’d like to try BDSM wise, Including the fact that we’d like to help, educate and share our experiences.

We have done so recently with a few members of our local community with varying results, One D/s couple that has recently joined our community has been incredibly receptive to ideas when they ask for idea’s or help. I must admit it was incredibly gratifying and filled me with a sense of….Pride for lack of a better term to be thanked for my advice, and ideas about punishments, and general thoughts on how She (as the Domme) can incorporate certain things into their day to day lives that encompass Domination/Submission and tasks.

A more experienced D/s couple (well more so than me, much less so than my little fae) have been having issues with consistency, and incorporating D/s into their day to day lives. They asked our opinion and advice, and we gave it to them. Start small, Dot basically gave the Sub a task, and a simple one at that, in order to start building a foundation.

Make the Bed, Every day for a week. Then build on it to encompass other things. The Dom in this Dynamic appeared to be ok to enforce this task, so we let them be untill be saw them again at the next D/s Coffee.

it was at this coffee, we were informed that the task was carried out 4 of the 14 days, and there was no Discipline from the Dom (who was an experienced member of the D/s Community).

It was at this point, my little fae Kinda lost her shit and basically said enough was enough (we have been hearing the same story from this couple for a while) and either she made a Concerted effort to carry out tasks, and make an effort to be a Submissive, or stop with the pretense and be content to just be a bottom. Dot is VERY serious about Submission, as you can tell.

Since that time, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about things, and I realized something.

I learned a few lessons on how to deal with Mentoring and such from playing MMO’s.

I am a very competitive person, and as such I was very very good at what I do. I research incessantly, use every tool I have at my disposal to optimize my performance and use research and analyzation tools to make me a better player.  In doing so, I became very very good at conveying to others things they could do to both enhance their play, and make the most of what they have available.  Sound familiar ?

One other thing I learned, was that no matter what I do to help someone, ultimately it is up to them to follow through and execute, or modify the things I suggest to work for them. I remember an old saying about a horse and water.

As we move forward and people come to us for advice and perhaps mentoring or guidance and training in the future. I have to realize I can’t do everything for them, I have to realize the Onus is on them, and I can’t take it personally or feel like I failed because they wouldn’t meet me the other half of the way. Their failure is not mine.

In the end, you can teach someone, but learning (and applying) is up to them.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

From the bottom ? Perspective is Everything.

Earlier tonight Dot and I went to a Bi-weekly coffee and a member innocuously made a comment after Dot said something.

 

Dot is Fiercely submissive to me, and the comment revolved around her topping me from the bottom. I am ok with people thinking this, quite frankly I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks, I know differently. Well, maybe not OK with it, however people will believe whatever they want.

Dot is an Alpha personality, and can dominate just about anyone she sets her mind to, so people naturally assume she cannot be -that- submissive in private. I too am a strong personality, and I don’t think (for me) I could respect the submission of someone that did not have an outward strength that can rival, if not surpass mine.

In public, including lifestyle events, Dot and I are absolute jackasses to each other, we are constantly testing wills, wits and doing our best to just have FUN with each other. Now in a place where Protocol is of paramount importance or where I require a higher level of attentiveness from her, she will immediately become a model submissive. MY model submissive. We train for a a reason you know.

She knows well enough I value her submission above all, and always have her, and our best interests in mind.

To me it doesn’t matter what people outside our dynamic think, however before passing judgement on what you think you see in another dynamic, look very hard at your own and wonder what others see….is it really all cut and dried ? or do others not see something ?

My little fae went rather alpha today in her post earlier tonight on the same subject, which I will let speak for itself.

D/s is all a matter of perspective, I see clearly from my vantage point, and when I look both down and beside me, I see my Dot, my little fae, my submissive, and my life partner, I don’t need anything else.

Regards,

 

Syn

Scumbag Brain.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about experience, and experiences, Or rather, new ones.

In my past when I wanted to experience new things relationship wise, I simply suggested it, And usually my suggestions were met with a combination of disgust and the “tamer” suggestions being met with a “ok, but it’s a favor”. The cost of which was very high. Sex or sexual activities, were generally used as leverage during an argument or to make me do something I didn’t want to by making me feel guilty. Now that you have this as context I feel I can continue with the Meat of my thought, but it was important to make you understand this.

The last week or two has been….average for my little fae, and I….it’s not boring, but it’s the Norm for us both vanilla and BDSM wise. As you may remember Sundays for us, are ALWAYS spent together, no matter what is going on. This last Sunday was no exception. I was very Thankful for it as well, as I was having a hard time dealing with being away from her as much as we have been the last few weeks. We didn’t train, didn’t do anything BDSM related….In fact it was just vanilla sex…which, to be perfectly honest was STILL fucking amazing. As we always do after, Scene or not, we ended up just talking and re-bonding.

Dot asked me something during this time, that I found incredibly hard to answer: “is there anything you want to try ?” (in regards to Kink/BDSM). It was and is very hard for me to answer this, as in my head I still hold onto the Stupid notion that it’s wrong for me to want to experiment. I know this is not the case, Dot has been nothing but supportive, encouraging and absolutely amazing about everything thus far. Now there are things I DO want to try, Covert bondage, anal training, remote controlled “toys” covertly in public, Sex in a semi-public place (think dressing room sex), Cupping, Enema’s, the list goes on.

My biggest issue in communicating this is getting more comfortable in doing so, And this is no one’s issue but my own brain being a scumbag.

 

So, for those of you, Dom’s and Subs alike, have you ever had an issue like this ? and if so, how did you get over it ?

 

Regards,

 

Syn

The Needs of the Many.

Bonus geek points if you finished the title of this post in Spock’s voice.

 

I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long, I have a horrible habit of coming up with things to write, however I’ve got something I need to get off my chest, and quite frankly if anyone from my local community reads this blog, it may raise a few hackles, but it also may bring to light a few things that we, as a fledgling community need to address.

Our community relies very heavily on FetLife for communication, and interaction, we’re a small town (maybe 65,000 people) with 520 some people Tied to the city according to profiles, of these 520 people, only a handful are part of the discussion group we have. This Group has 119 members, 32 of which, are from the neighboring “big city”, and 11 being from other places scattered around both the province and country. For the sake of simplicity well call it 36%.  36% of our total “group” is people from out of town, or former members that have moved away.

Normally 36% of something isn’t bad, HOWEVER – when someone from our town posts something which might have been better served as a journal entry or note on their own profile, and is IMMEDIATELY jumped on by 2 of the people from the neighboring city, badly enough that the post was deleted, I might add. With no reprisal from the group moderators I have a bit of an issue.

Now, you’re Probably thinking – well you could have said something to defend this group member, and you’re right, I actually fought myself to NOT post….adding to drama and perhaps starting a fight because text is horrible to convey delicate wording would serve no purpose other than to alienate myself.  Now I understand networking, and external relations with other communities, however, there comes a point where people stop becoming Liaison’s and start actively setting tone for inter-community interaction which imo, unless you are at 75 to 80% of munches and above have no right doing.

As a growing community we need to foster a sense of belonging, a defense for both active and prospective members, from the inside first. Fetlife is 90% responsible for our outward image to the “vanilla’s” and new or newer members, where they feel safe, protected and know that they will have people who will intercede on their behalf if the need arises. It’s fantastic we have members of other communities that feel comfortable enough to come hang around our little corner of FL, BUT we should expect them to show some decorum when interacting with, and disagreeing with our members.

Remember that some of the interaction out-of-town folks have as a first contact will play no small part of how comfortable a new member will feel coming to a munch, if a person does reach out, or posts after a long Hiatus, thier first new interaction should not cause them to Burrow underground and say “fuck it”, if FL is the extent of thier community involvement – then they should feel safe in doing so.

Safe, Sane, Consensual is one of the BDSM mantras, it should also apply for simple communication – comfort and safety in communication for our members might lead to the Bigger munches and community events we hope for.

 

Regards,

 

Syn