Some days I just don’t understand. When I come across a new situation, or a new way of doing things in our lifestyle I’m not immediately on the defensive, I want to understand the why of things and the how. Recently in a Facebook discussion group pertaining to the lifestyle I came across one situation.
The Initial question was This:
“Having a somewhat fun, quirky brat in me that Sir will indulge “to a point” as he knows there is never any disrespect intended, I have a question for Doms and experienced subs. I dislike nipple clamps, Sir is very aware. What would your reaction be (the Dom/mes in the group) or what would be the reaction of your Sir (subs in the group) if you showed up to a session wearing band aids (cute ones like Hello Kitty or such) on your nipples in say an X to cover them?
No, they are not a hard limit, I just dislike them.”
“Being a Dom and a sadist, I can pretty much guarantee, that if Nipple clamps are not a hard limit, and you deliberately covered them from me, you’d be Punished. When not in my presence, the ONLY Bra you would be allowed would be those hello kitty bandages for a week for the first infraction, In my Presence, you would be required to wear Clamps with a weight, at ALL TIMES. Then again, I do not deal well with a Brat dynamic as my little fae can attest to. your results may vary.”
Now all was well and good for a while, she asked, and Most responded….I am one of a few active Dominants in this Group (I tagged Dot in my response, as she is part of the group as well) and as such I figured that was the end of it. at that point A female dominant Responded with this:
“I wonder why someone has a partner who insists on taking an interest where their partner has no interest. I know there’s a need for compromise, but I have no joy in doing things when my partner isn’t into it. There’s no need to force them or punish them for avoiding discomfort. I’m reading these responses and wonder why subs would ever accept being treated as if a hard limit is the only way an activity will be avoided. Do men lack creativity when it comes to a woman’s body that he has to aim for the nipples? I’m lost.”
There are a few other exchanges from myself, covering WHY I chose this punishment, the Brat in question Chose to cover her nipples so I made it a point to Put the focus onto them as a Lesson in humility and smarting off. the Reply that pissed me off from the same Domme was This one:
“Whatever floats your ship. I’m glad you found what works for you and your partner. I’d still never use my position as a dominant to touch my partner where they don’t want it. Plain and simple. My slave is perfectly fine with my style.”
I immediately gave this comment a WIDE berth, because in context I took it to mean that she believes I was violating consent/negotiated limits. Inadvertently it called in to question whether I was breaching trust with my little fae or not.
I am a Sadist, I make no excuses for this, never have, never will. I was however, dismayed that rather than explain to me how they do things, that particular statement was all I got even when later I asked how less S&M oriented D/s Couples deal with punishment, lessons and training. from certain responses, apparently causing Corporeal pain for the purpose of actual punishment, teaching, and training is abhorrent to most submissives (and a few dominants) in this group. The owner of the group (a very prominent facebook dominant/page admin) Responded with this:
“It’s a fine balance for me. I would not normally deliberately do something that my sub ‘disliked’. However I am always conscious of the fact that it is a Dominant’s responsibility to develop their sub, which may mean (carefully) pushing boundaries. Whether a resistance to be pushed would be punished or not really does depend on the boundary, circumstance and respect shown when the sub resists. There is no generic answer as differences in these things will result in differing reactions. It’s not unknown for me to punish, although i try and make that a last resort. And in terms of punishments themselves, I try to make them ‘appropriate to the crime’, the ultimate being the withholding of my attention (which in our relationship is a lot more powerful than it sounds)”
The reason withholding of attention is the apparently penultimate, for him is because his submissive lives 5000 miles away. That response was diplomatic, reasoned and honestly sharing without sharing.
Are Sadistic Dom’s really that Rare ?
Are we really looked down upon that much ?
Has the 50 Shades of Grey crowd really decided that D/s that includes REAL S&M is a blight on our community, even when used to teach, nurture and guide our submissive to better outcomes ? Quite a few submissives on this post said that their Dom NEVER does anything they don’t like…. I don’t understand this, like or dislike if you’ve negotiated hard and soft limits and it doesn’t Jive with a like and dislike list – it’s fair game for me as a tool to help us towards our goals, right ?
Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but I am honestly slightly confused by this interaction with people who are both on fetlife, and active in thier communities…. Being the only Male Dominant active in my community I learn from everywhere I can… This basically showed me that while I still wouldn’t change the way I do things, A good poriton of a 500 person community basically thinks I’m an asshole towards my sub, because I will not “Spare the Rod to spoil the Submissive.”
Odd bunch of people, or I’m the odd one….Either works.