I Might Be An Asshole, But it’s fair Game.

Some days I just don’t understand. When I come across a new situation, or a new way of doing things in our lifestyle I’m not immediately on the defensive, I want to understand the why of things and the how. Recently in a Facebook discussion group pertaining to the lifestyle I came across one situation.

The Initial question was This:

“Having a somewhat fun, quirky brat in me that Sir will indulge “to a point” as he knows there is never any disrespect intended, I have a question for Doms and experienced subs. I dislike nipple clamps, Sir is very aware. What would your reaction be (the Dom/mes in the group) or what would be the reaction of your Sir (subs in the group) if you showed up to a session wearing band aids (cute ones like Hello Kitty or such) on your nipples in say an X to cover them?
No, they are not a hard limit, I just dislike them.”

My Response:
“Being a Dom and a sadist, I can pretty much guarantee, that if Nipple clamps are not a hard limit, and you deliberately covered them from me, you’d be Punished. When not in my presence, the ONLY Bra you would be allowed would be those hello kitty bandages for a week for the first infraction, In my Presence, you would be required to wear Clamps with a weight, at ALL TIMES. Then again, I do not deal well with a Brat dynamic as my little fae can attest to. your results may vary.”

Now all was well and good for a while, she asked, and Most responded….I am one of a few active Dominants in this Group (I tagged Dot in my response, as she is part of the group as well) and as such I figured that was the end of it. at that point A female dominant Responded with this:

“I wonder why someone has a partner who insists on taking an interest where their partner has no interest. I know there’s a need for compromise, but I have no joy in doing things when my partner isn’t into it. There’s no need to force them or punish them for avoiding discomfort. I’m reading these responses and wonder why subs would ever accept being treated as if a hard limit is the only way an activity will be avoided. Do men lack creativity when it comes to a woman’s body that he has to aim for the nipples? I’m lost.”

There are a few other exchanges from myself, covering WHY I chose this punishment, the Brat in question Chose to cover her nipples so I made it a point to Put the focus onto them as a Lesson in humility and smarting off. the Reply that pissed me off from the same Domme was This one:

Whatever floats your ship. I’m glad you found what works for you and your partner. I’d still never use my position as a dominant to touch my partner where they don’t want it. Plain and simple. My slave is perfectly fine with my style.”

I immediately gave this comment a WIDE berth, because in context I took it to mean that she believes I was violating consent/negotiated limits. Inadvertently it called in to question  whether I was breaching trust with my little fae or not.

I am a Sadist, I make no excuses for this, never have, never will. I was however, dismayed that rather than explain to me how they do things, that particular statement was all I got even when later I asked how less S&M oriented D/s Couples deal with punishment, lessons and training. from certain responses, apparently causing Corporeal pain for the purpose of actual punishment, teaching, and training is abhorrent to most submissives (and a few dominants) in this group. The owner of the group (a very prominent facebook dominant/page admin) Responded with this:

It’s a fine balance for me. I would not normally deliberately do something that my sub ‘disliked’. However I am always conscious of the fact that it is a Dominant’s responsibility to develop their sub, which may mean (carefully) pushing boundaries. Whether a resistance to be pushed would be punished or not really does depend on the boundary, circumstance and respect shown when the sub resists. There is no generic answer as differences in these things will result in differing reactions. It’s not unknown for me to punish, although i try and make that a last resort. And in terms of punishments themselves, I try to make them ‘appropriate to the crime’, the ultimate being the withholding of my attention (which in our relationship is a lot more powerful than it sounds)

The reason withholding of attention is the apparently penultimate, for him is because his submissive lives 5000 miles away. That response was diplomatic, reasoned and honestly sharing without sharing.

Are Sadistic Dom’s really that Rare ?

Are we really looked down upon that much ?

Has the 50 Shades of Grey crowd really decided that D/s that includes REAL S&M is a blight on our community, even when used to teach, nurture and guide our submissive to better outcomes ? Quite a few submissives on this post said that their Dom NEVER does anything they don’t like…. I don’t understand this, like or dislike if you’ve negotiated hard and soft limits and it doesn’t Jive with a like and dislike list – it’s fair game for me as a tool to help us towards our goals, right ?

Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but I am honestly slightly confused by this interaction with people who are both on fetlife, and active in thier communities…. Being the only Male Dominant active in my community I learn from everywhere  I can… This basically showed me that while I still wouldn’t change the way I do things, A good poriton of a 500 person community basically thinks I’m an asshole towards my sub, because I will not “Spare the Rod to spoil the Submissive.”


Odd bunch of people, or I’m the odd one….Either works.





Our Little Online World.

This is something I’m likely going to cross post on my fetlife account, however as this is the meat and potato’s of my thoughts both general and specific here it is for you lovely wordpress people as well.

Here in our local community I notice a few things that are cause for concern, notably people joining fetlife that are treating things as a dating site, and some of the newer to the lifestyle people (apparently) thinking this is just like vanilla-land. Or those who “have experience” and yet engage in dangerous or misleading practices.

Let me get this one out of the way first. I’ve talked before about people who chose a title or identifier and then refuse to grow into the role, or make any effort to even remotely emulate any form of dominance or submission. They chose instead to be predators, or an imagined ideal of some fictional character. If you are taking the time to learn, grow and become a contributing member of our community, then disregard this, and welcome. If you have no desire to do so, I refer you to the paragraph below.

Others still who are “lurkers” in our (city’s) group a question: have you read the about, and rules ? I see from time to time, people posting who are looking for hook-ups or play partners but we’ve never seen you before, you haven’t posted in the introductory sticky, haven’t attended a munch or met an active member of the community, and the first interaction we have seen from you is akin to “Where are you kinky sluts/male whores/subs/doms, I want to fuck!” (I’m paraphrasing here, but it’s a generalized statement). Guys, do you think it’s worth it to throw a bunch of shit at the wall and see who lets it stick ? Ladies, do you really want a guy who is just trying to hook up with anything that has a pussy and a heartbeat ? if you do, Largely fetlife isn’t for you, BUT there are groups that cater to it semi-locally. I highly suggest you go find those groups, and wish you luck!

This last bit is what I find to be the most important part of this post, and it’s for those of you that are from our fair city, but haven’t joined the fetlife group, new or not.

First, Ladies, submissive, dominant, other. There are real male doms/subs/kinksters etc out there, a few of them even come to munches. Just because someone labels themselves as something doesn’t mean you are free of doing your homework. Check out a persons profile when they message you. If they have 20 friends and ONE is a guy, it’s likely a predator/pretender or lurker. Join the group, get to know people, see who is vetted, and start learning how to protect yourself. Don’t think that this lifestyle is one you can undertake lightly, get to know prospective partners, you’re in an environment where due diligence is (in my opinion) mandatory. I’ve seen younger ladies in alarming numbers fill out their profiles like a dating site…if part of your introduction to others in the lifestyle also includes your love of drugs, alcohol or something else that can inhibit your judgement, no well balanced, informed, or sane dom/sub will play with you. Those that will, should be avoided or educated.

Gentlemen, where do I start…. first off, if you have no desire to become a dom/sub/kinkster, and are just here looking for sluts that will suck your dick, fuck you at a moments notice, or fill some imagined need without receiving anything in return, your priorities are skewed in terms of what the lifestyle is all about. In any BDSM relationship there is an exchange of energies, give to get. If you’ve come to fetlife with the express purpose of masturbating to pictures/video’s and attempting to “lure away” a dom/sub from their relationship, ask yourself: how pissed would you be if someone tried to do that to you over something you have painstakingly built. If you have no desire to join the community, or interact with it’s members as human beings, why are you REALLY here ? If you do want to really become a dom, or a sub, or just a kinkster of whatever flavor, join the group, come out to munches, ask questions….if it’s not for you, then so be it, but learn why it is any of us do what we do and how/why we do it.

Out in this little online “world” we have at the time of writing this, there are 597 kinksters in our city, and 123 in our community group, with a fair amount of those being from our sister city. I speak for myself when I say this (but I am sure my little fae and I are of the same mind): No matter your level of experience, involvement or commitment to the lifestyle, we want to meet you, we want to help. The members currently in our City’s group that are active and not lurking generally do want to help, and grow what has been started. We will respect your need for privacy, discretion and you just might make a genuine friend or two in the process.


Regards, and I look forward to meeting you.



This Too Shall Pass.

It’s been a long week, and probably going to be a longer few weeks still. My little fae had an employee who was finished as of Wednesday this week so because of that in a small department she not only has her duties as a supervisor, but she is doing his job until they hire a replacement as well.

On top of those two sets of duties, the HR department has seen fit to schedule interviews at all hours of the day…. Dot usually starts at 4:30 PM and works until 1AM, however for example, during the interview process she could have interviews from 12PM onward.

I am less than impressed with this, and I know she is as well, BUT that’s the way things are I suppose.

We both know our time is going to be limited together until both the hiring and training process is over, which doesn’t really make it easier but at least we have some sort of an end to this in sight.

My biggest issue with this, is that as her sir, I’ve been working hard to help her achieve certain goals, physical fitness wise, and trying to help improve her sleep. For me, her sleep is a big issue. We’ve both been forms of insomniacs over the years, and for Dot getting 6 hours straight is a major accomplishment.

Through exercise, supplementation, and straight out conversation and hard work, we have gotten to a point where her sleep is MUCH better than the four hours sleep, up for two/three hours and back to sleep for four more. During times of higher stress, and obligations all of that goes out the window.

I suppose I need to do some thinking as to how we can address this, if at all.

From my Side of things, I have to be patient. This too shall pass, I have to remember there’s always an end in sight. It’s hard for me, as we get so little time as is, even though my little fae makes as much time as possible. There’s always Check-in’s while she’s at work, talking over google talk, and our before work coffee’s. With her holiday’s coming up quickly as well, there will be enough time, and things will be back to as “normal” as we get.

For those of you that live with your Sub/Little/Significant other – at this moment I envy you.

Just remember – value every moment you get, no matter how short the time may be, I do.





Clothes Make the Dom…Assuming you can find them.

So, My little fae and I have decided that we’re going to “The Ball”, this is an event held in a larger city 2 hours away from us every 2 months. It’s a lifestyle get together, by their own description it is a large ” fetish cultural event” basically a way for us all to get together and discuss all things kink.


I’m looking forward to going, and I know my little fae is in a way as well….However this event has brought to light a small issue I didn’t even know I had that has carried over from vanilla life.


What the hell am I going to wear and why the hell is it so hard to find men’s clothing ?

The Ball has a strictly enforced fetish dress code….you can go dressed in vanilla clothing but the price for entry would double (A voyeur fee as the call it), I have no problem with this as I want to be able to express my kinks, likes and dislikes through clothing choice. Now Dom’s can and largely do get away with wearing a suit… pretty standard “dom wear”…. for me this is difficult to accept, ANYONE can wear a suit, it’s finding a well tailored one for less than 500$ a pop that’s a problem. I don’t have a 500$ tailored suit. So that’s out for me. The next and likely choice for me would be a Kilt, and I found a nice PVC one for about 60$ U.S. I like kilts, never owned one, but they are most certainly a fetish….My Little Fae goes moist over them, and loves the Idea of me in one. I’m ok with this, but I am not sure for me….I’m different than most in my Dom identity I think, and would like to be able to portray that with my Fetish clothing choice.

Dot Recently Ordered an absolutely gorgeous corset/skirt combo for about 30 bucks online, it’s going to look stunning with her collar, leash and ankle and wrist cuffs. I want something just as spectacular, I want to find something unique to ME, so I started looking online. Finding Male Dom Oriented Fetish wear that won’t force you to mortgage your house, sell a kidney, or donate sperm is hard. Blue Jean cut faux leather pants 150 to 200$, faux leather vest, and button down shirts 100$, Black boots (with thick sole) 95$ and up. Add international shipping onto that and you have a pretty hefty bill.

On top of that, actually FINDING the stuff is difficult at best, I’ve found a few stores online but searching for Gothic clothing, but narrowing it down to something I’d actually wear  further complicates things. I found some excellent stores in Germany and the UK, but again, international shipping and prices aren’t realistic, and quite a few of those stores specialize in leather family gear, and the like.

I suppose I have some time to search more for what I’d like, it’s just frustrating. So I’ll continue looking, I have a kilt/shirt ensemble picked out, but that is standard fare for A lot of men at the ball, it would be nice if I could find something semi unique to my style, that would do justice to the gorgeous woman I will have on my arm/end of my leash.

Just kinda needed to vent, BUT if anyone has any store/website recommendations please, share in the comments, or even to tell me I worry too much 😉





Liebster Award

Liebster award

I’ve had the distinct pleasure of being Nominated for the Liebster award from a very Cool lady over at The Aging Sub, I high Recommend you all check her out, her blog is a candid, heartwarming and sometimes hilarious glimpse into her journey with her Sir, M. She reminds me very much of myself and my little fae, and I am honored that she would choose me for this.


The Aging Sub’s questions for me:


Do you enjoy any outdoor activities?

I LOVE going for walks, especially with my little fae, it gives us time to talk and discuss, and sometimes to our detriment, because a 10 mile walk would likely cause a few sore muscles the next day. I love being out in the sun, and find laying out in the park on a blanket reading as a perfect way to pass an afternoon. Sports and physical activity-wise, swimming at a lake is one of my absolute favorite things to do. I also hope to pick up gardening this summer as Dot has quite the green thumb, and it’s another way for us to bond.


What is your favorite weather and why?

This has got to be a tie for me. I love sunny weather, we get so little of it up here in Canada, with the harsh winters, So I love sitting out soaking up the sun. Reading, people watching, the smell of fresh cut grass, and bar-b-ques all things I associate with warmer weather. The tie would Have to be Rain – I love going for walks in the rain, and the Smell ! it’s very therapeutic and almost a form of  catharsis for me to go out walking in it.

What is one of your biggest fears or phobias?

With as much as I love swimming and water in general, it’s kind of funny that my biggest fear is drowning and open water. To this day while swimming in a lake, or deep water, I still get a slightly uneasy tingle up my spine. When I was a kid I suffered from the idea, that even in an indoor pool during lessons, the Shark from JAWS was down there waiting specifically for me, to come and drag me under, one of the perks of having an active imagination I suppose. lol.

What is your drink of choice?

Being a recovered alcoholic I’ll likely answer this in a different way than most 😉 I LOVE coffee, which is weird when I say that….my love affair with this nectar of the gods didn’t start until I quit drinking, but now A good cup of coffee makes the day so much better. That said – if you have never tried a Traditionally made chai tea, you’re missing out, absolutely delicious and an amazing texture!

What is your favorite contemporary novel?

There are so many to Choose from! I read incessantly….I have 5 to 6 books on the go at once, so perhaps I’ll list my top 5 because I can’t Choose…

1. Miss Peregrene’s Home for Peculiar Children – Ransom Riggs

2. Fight Club – Chuck Palinhuik

3. Memnoch the Devil – Anne Rice

4. The Stand – Stephen King

5. The Wheel of Time Series – Robert Jordan (Finished by Brandon Sanders after his death)

What is your guilty pleasure?

Without a doubt Reese’s peanut butter cups. I could eat a hundred of these in one sitting and not bat an eye, it’s made worse by the fact that they’ve started doing Oh henry! reeses bars, and the assorted other baked goodies that use it….because of this Samhain is a disaster for my healthy eating goals.  It’s probably for the best that I can’t bake worth a damn.

Did you or do you play any sports?

I’ve never been a “traditional athlete, in my younger years I was heavily into the martial arts, I spent 12 years of my life learning a bit of everything and was at one point training to perhaps take a shot at the UFC when it was in it’s infancy, but a sever knee injury squashed that. Now I am involved in powerlifting, which is a sport, but I do it more for recreation, it’s hit or miss for me however because power lifters are frowned upon as dumb meatheads locally, and as such we have few gyms that are “friendly Territory”.

What is something interesting about your personality?

I Joke about EVERYTHING, there are very few taboo subjects for me, and I tend to satirize anything in my path…because of that I have to be very very careful to filter what I say. I’ll be the first one to make an ethnic joke, even at my own expense, or make an off handed comment about serious events. As my little fae can tell you “I’m going to hell” comments are commonplace with me.

Do you play any instruments? If not, what are the first 5 bands/artists on your favorite playlist?

I have zero musical talent, so bands it is:

Blues Traveler


Death Cab For Cutie


Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies

Do you have a playroom or any special equipment?

My little fae is currently looking at homes, and we hope to build a dungeon in it, so playroom is forthcoming! As for Special equipment, we have a few “special” (read rare or obscure) toys. A TENS unit, An enema unit that can be permanently attached to a shower with a switch from said unit to showerhead, and an under the bed nylon restraint system . We have toyed with the idea of purchasing a fuck saw (it’s a real thing, I swear), and a medical examination table, Sky is pretty much the limit for us.

What are 5 things that still remain on your sexual bucket list?

Tough one to answer, but I’ll go with the use of Hypnosis for sexual pleasure, The hands Free male “super-O”, Sex covertly in public, Cumming on command training, Using remote control devices in public. Some tame, some obscure, but they’re some things I hope to either explore, do or scratch off my list to make room for more as I think more about it.

11 Random Facts About Me (questions for my nominees follow each fact)

1. I’m a huge movie buff, I love everything from Action/Adventure to Drama, but my ALL TIME favorite movie is slightly obscure, it’s called What Dreams May Come, starring Robin Williams. Definitely his finest serious Role to date. Whats your favorite movie that people may not have heard of and why ?

2. I’m very passionate about LBGTQ rights and Animal Shelters/humane societies. What, if any are some Causes you’re passionate about ?

3. My day always feels “off” without Coffee, a shower and Seeing Dot. What are some things you MUST do to start your day, or it throws your whole day off ?

4. I love to cook (even though I’m not great at it) but I hate doing dishes. Whats something you love doing despite the consequences ?

5.  I’m pretty good at impressions, and back at the call center I met My little fae at, I once took a Customer service call for the duration as Milton from Office Space. Whats a “useless” talent you have that you use as often as possible ?

6. A perfect date for me is spent at home, A bbq, movie and maybe a Bonfire curled up together. Whats your Idea of a perfect date ?

7. I’ve had a cat named Daisy for the past 12 years, she’s one of my best friends, and has seen me through Good times and bad….but Used to be a dog person. Do you have any pets? if not, do you want pets ? what kind?

8. When I started getting into Kink, I wasn’t sure I could Flog anyone let alone enjoy it, it’s now one of my favorite parts of BDSM. Whats a (bdsm) activity you didn’t think you’d enjoy but absolutely love now ?

9. I love corsets on a woman. Leather, PVC and Gothic Dress for fetish-wear for men and women. Do you have a favorite piece of fetish wear? if you don’t own any, are you planning on buying some, what is it ?

10. We don’t currently have a “kinky travel bag” but I’m thinking about putting one together. Do you have toy’s you take with you on trips ?

11. I started blogging years ago, as a way to make it easier to tell people how I was feeling, and since I can be shy BDSM blogging has helped me communicate my wants and desires. How and why did you start blogging? are the reasons you started, the reasons you’ve continued ?


In keeping with the spirit of the award, here are my nominations:

I will add blogs in here as I find some I’d like to pass on, that haven’t been covered. I’m still pretty new to the Blogsphere. 🙂

Here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.
Display the award on your blog–by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”.
Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
Nominate 5 – 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers.
Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
List these rules on your post. Once you have written published it, you then have to:
Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

You weren’t looking anyway.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been kinky…. or at the very least turned on by kinky things. When I was young maybe 15 or 16, and had Some Idea of what sex was (this is when the internet was commonplace), Myself, 2 high school Friends, and a 3rd guy and his Girl Friend who were in their 20’s went up to a cabin for the long weekend….This was the  first time I ever heard 2 people have sex, ever. I had never seen a porn, so I was surprised when I got turned on just by listening.

This is how I realized I was a voyeur.

I didn’t have a name for it back then, and quite frankly as a 16 year old boy, I was terrified of getting caught listening through the paper thin wall….at one point the girl even said I was probably listening, but she didn’t fucking care….in hindsight it was a mix of thrill, terror and plain old teenage hormones I think.

As I got older my tastes widened and on top of watching and thoroughly enjoying every sort of “hidden cam” type video’s I could find on the internet (minus Urine and Scat….women going to the bathroom aren’t my thing) I watched them all…. and then I found one that blew me away it was a hidden (Read: Staged) cam of a woman being tied down and forced  to have an orgasm. Power, control and Voyeurism… No one did anything to her other than tie her up with a Hitachi, but it was magical to watch, I could almost picture he Boyfriend just off camera watching. I envied this fictional man I thought up….it was Fucking hot.

It’s now one of my favorite “tortures” for my little fae, I tie her down and watch her squirm….if you combine that with orgasm denial and edging some times I can get off without even touching, just sitting there and watching and listening to her whimper and shudder, add in a little begging and the mix of Power, Control and Voyeurism…. Is MINE, and intoxicating.

My little fae asked me once, off-handedly why I like doing that so much and it was difficult to put into words without some thought.

So, here’s the Fruits of a bit of thinking.

Clear as mud ? or did I explain it well enough ? 😉

“I’m convinced we all are voyeurs. It’s part of the detective thing. We want to know secrets and we want to know what goes on behind those windows. And not in a way that we would use to hurt anyone. There’s an entertainment value to it, but at the same time we want to know: What do humans do? Do they do the same things as I do? It’s a gaining of some sort of knowledge, I think.” – David Lynch




Nothing to see here…..

I’ve come to accept a few things in life, The sky is blue, water is wet and my mother is nosy enough that with out fail, she’s going to find our toys.

I have no problem admitting and discussing the fact that I’m kinky to anyone, who I am is no reason to be ashamed. I do however, do my best to keep it from my mother, mostly because explaining BDSM and mine and Dot’s relationship would be near impossible. At 67 years of age, she comes from another era, So to save time and numerous headaches we do our best to keep that private from her.

So, once a week or two, mom comes over and we go shopping so I can help her get some heavier stuff and basically be manual labor. EVERY time she visits she comes in to give my house a “once over”, visit the cat, and clean over top of things i have already done, It makes her happy so I tolerate it with as much good grace as I can.

The first time mom spotted something BDSM related, it was a Biggie, We have an under the bed restraint system, that I usually tuck under the matress, but this time I missed a strap. Mom spotted it and Immediately asked “whats that” ? well fuck. I replied on the Fly with “it’s for Dot’s back, when she spends the night, it helps her stretch out just by pulling the one Cord to tighten it and release muscle tension.” Not exactly the greatest explanation, but it satisfied her…Crisis averted.

The next time, I completely forgot the 7 inch long Silicone anal plug on the side of the tub from when I washed it. Again, the inevitable “whats that?” Question, and again thinking quick “it’s a bath bomb mom – Don’t get it wet or it’ll be a hell of a mess on the Floor, Dot has baths here and it helps her relax.” Again Crisis averted….

Thats the Give and take with mom….I hide toys up on the top shelf of my Closet, because she’s 5’2 on a good day and won’t ever find ’em up there, I’m also sure mom thinks that Dot and I, by now are professional movie reviewers with the amount we’re watching when she calls.

I’m sure even the most liberal of us all have people that we go out of our way to explain BDSM type things to others as mundanely as possible. With my mom, it’s never boring, keeps me on my toes and helps me with attention to detail. if I keep it up, I might even get to bullshit better than Ferris Bueller.


At the very least, Dot and I are always laughing when I relate one of these stories, with my Mom, we’re never bored. lol