This is something I’m likely going to cross post on my fetlife account, however as this is the meat and potato’s of my thoughts both general and specific here it is for you lovely wordpress people as well.
Here in our local community I notice a few things that are cause for concern, notably people joining fetlife that are treating things as a dating site, and some of the newer to the lifestyle people (apparently) thinking this is just like vanilla-land. Or those who “have experience” and yet engage in dangerous or misleading practices.
Let me get this one out of the way first. I’ve talked before about people who chose a title or identifier and then refuse to grow into the role, or make any effort to even remotely emulate any form of dominance or submission. They chose instead to be predators, or an imagined ideal of some fictional character. If you are taking the time to learn, grow and become a contributing member of our community, then disregard this, and welcome. If you have no desire to do so, I refer you to the paragraph below.
Others still who are “lurkers” in our (city’s) group a question: have you read the about, and rules ? I see from time to time, people posting who are looking for hook-ups or play partners but we’ve never seen you before, you haven’t posted in the introductory sticky, haven’t attended a munch or met an active member of the community, and the first interaction we have seen from you is akin to “Where are you kinky sluts/male whores/subs/doms, I want to fuck!” (I’m paraphrasing here, but it’s a generalized statement). Guys, do you think it’s worth it to throw a bunch of shit at the wall and see who lets it stick ? Ladies, do you really want a guy who is just trying to hook up with anything that has a pussy and a heartbeat ? if you do, Largely fetlife isn’t for you, BUT there are groups that cater to it semi-locally. I highly suggest you go find those groups, and wish you luck!
This last bit is what I find to be the most important part of this post, and it’s for those of you that are from our fair city, but haven’t joined the fetlife group, new or not.
First, Ladies, submissive, dominant, other. There are real male doms/subs/kinksters etc out there, a few of them even come to munches. Just because someone labels themselves as something doesn’t mean you are free of doing your homework. Check out a persons profile when they message you. If they have 20 friends and ONE is a guy, it’s likely a predator/pretender or lurker. Join the group, get to know people, see who is vetted, and start learning how to protect yourself. Don’t think that this lifestyle is one you can undertake lightly, get to know prospective partners, you’re in an environment where due diligence is (in my opinion) mandatory. I’ve seen younger ladies in alarming numbers fill out their profiles like a dating site…if part of your introduction to others in the lifestyle also includes your love of drugs, alcohol or something else that can inhibit your judgement, no well balanced, informed, or sane dom/sub will play with you. Those that will, should be avoided or educated.
Gentlemen, where do I start…. first off, if you have no desire to become a dom/sub/kinkster, and are just here looking for sluts that will suck your dick, fuck you at a moments notice, or fill some imagined need without receiving anything in return, your priorities are skewed in terms of what the lifestyle is all about. In any BDSM relationship there is an exchange of energies, give to get. If you’ve come to fetlife with the express purpose of masturbating to pictures/video’s and attempting to “lure away” a dom/sub from their relationship, ask yourself: how pissed would you be if someone tried to do that to you over something you have painstakingly built. If you have no desire to join the community, or interact with it’s members as human beings, why are you REALLY here ? If you do want to really become a dom, or a sub, or just a kinkster of whatever flavor, join the group, come out to munches, ask questions….if it’s not for you, then so be it, but learn why it is any of us do what we do and how/why we do it.
Out in this little online “world” we have at the time of writing this, there are 597 kinksters in our city, and 123 in our community group, with a fair amount of those being from our sister city. I speak for myself when I say this (but I am sure my little fae and I are of the same mind): No matter your level of experience, involvement or commitment to the lifestyle, we want to meet you, we want to help. The members currently in our City’s group that are active and not lurking generally do want to help, and grow what has been started. We will respect your need for privacy, discretion and you just might make a genuine friend or two in the process.
Regards, and I look forward to meeting you.