Exercising Judgment.

Lets talk judgement.

Now I’m not talking about right, wrong, Moral, immoral. I’m talking about being judgmental and how we express our views of different positions on things in the lifestyle.

My little fae and I came into a discussion where someone had asked opinions on what people thought of Financial Dominants/Domination or the request of tributes from a Submissive to a Dominant. The Initial comments were disheartening to say the least, words like prostitute, mooch, and attention whore. So, I waded in and pointed out that financial domination and tributes are commonplace as a legitimate kink, with examples to prove my point. For my little fae this hit close to home, and we both passionately requested a bit of civility in the discussion.

As I continue this writing the discussion is ongoing, and words like “call girl” and points being made that if you have to “buy” domination it’s not real…. People forget that with the multitudes of kinks, fetishes, and dynamics out there we will never have agreement on anything. The important part to remember is, that if we disagree we don’t have to be fucking rude about it. With the above example I should point out, I do not expect tributes from my submissive, nor do I have any interest in financial domination, however I took to the devil’s advocate side to perhaps get people to think about what they were saying, and who they might be alienating by using some of the words they did.

In the wide world of kink, we can all disagree, but being open minded and civil in our disagreements…. along with being able to learn, grow and possibly change our opinion if there is a compelling argument….all part and parcel of personal growth in the lifestyle.

Regards,

 

Syn

MaST: Labels and (Possible) Evolutions.

So yesterday we went into the bigger city to the east of us for a MaST meeting. A first for both of us I believe.

I was rather off kilter heading in as I mentioned, but the Topic was something I REALLY wanted to be there for (more on that later). After signing the standard meeting NDA (regarding disclosing personal information) we had a few minutes to introduce ourselves and get comfortable. It was nice to finally put some faces to fetlife names, and meet some brand new to me people. I was marginally surprised that Dot and I were the only Dom/Sub Identified couple, however I got to meet and interact with a DD/lg, and M/s Dynamic and see them in action (kind of). I make it sound like a bit of a wildlife preserve walk about, but honestly as I have mentioned here in our City I am the only declared and active male Dominant, so seeing these different types of D/s dynamics in person was eye opening to me.  That said, all of the particular dynamics were also essentially very familiar in a comfortable way.

The Topic itself was awesome, “Labels and the boxes they create” basically analyzing the given titles (Master, Dominant, Daddy, Slave, Sub, Little, etc) and the things they encompass, along with negative connotations or stereotypes associated with them. Hearing the discussion both from people of the chosen dynamic, and those of people who have been closer to them than I have was great. For the most part my idea of the labels was pretty spot on to what most of the people were discussing. I did however learn a lot on top of it, and it got both my little fae and I thinking about a great many things.  (Again, more on that later)

After the meeting was over we had the pleasure of Grabbing Dinner with a M/s couple we connected (we think) very deeply with, as well as 2/3rds of a house who are mutual friends with two of our closest friends in our local city. We ended up eating and talking, and eventually getting the equivalent of “you ain’t gotta go home, but you gotta get the fuck outta here”, we could have sat and talked with these people for HOURS more.

So, on the Drive home My little fae and I got to talking.

We both agreed that MaST is by far one of the most positive and game changing experiences we’ve had as a couple, and we plan to make it as regular of an occurrence as we can. On that particular point of conversation something huge came out from the shadows and we had it consume at least 2/3rds of the ride home as conversation.

Because of the topic of the MaST meeting and what we felt to be an immediate connection with the M/s couple in attendance, we got to thinking, what is the difference between U/us as a D/s dynamic, and an M/s dynamic ? My little fae and I have always considered ourselves to be closer to an M/s dynamic, but said “the reason we do not consider ourselves M/s is because she enjoys certain liberties that she does not feel comfortable giving up, and I would not feel comfortable accepting taking from her.” In discussing this, I said this at the MaST meeting, and it was met (from all 3 masters, and the 2 slaves in attendance) with “what liberties are those that differentiates what you have and what we have?”. Truth be told, that one question from them  was meant to simply further the discussion and help others understand. However, when pressed with the question, neither of us could come up with the liberties in question.

I could tell this was bothering my little fae on the ride home, So I let her mull it over for a while in between discussing how thrilled we were with the night.

Dot is a fiercely independent woman, I am her Dominant, however outside of our relationship she is submissive to no one at all. We eventually got onto this topic and how it relates to our belief that we are closer to M/s… So I did what any good Sir would do, I made her really think about it. I played devils advocate to everything she brought up as to why she doesn’t identify as a slave. She is under the impression that because her other submissive title changes were accompanied by a change of need/submissive traits an evolution to an M/s dynamic must have that too.

I should be clear, I by no means was/am trying to push us to declare an M/s dynamic or change of title, my intention was to get her thinking about what scares her about change, an evolution, and why she so adamantly opposes it. In order to foster this, I’ve given her a writing task, along with a task to reach out and ask questions of the slaves and other s-types at our next MaST meeting. I want her to understand and accept that not all change has to really be change, some times it is a natural evolution that can happen faster than we expect.

I do see my little fae and I as a Master/slave dynamic and have for a while, to me nothing has to change. It was glaringly obvious to me when we spoke with just about every one at MaST. That said, I under no Circumstances think anyone in my community or otherwise would have to address me with that honorific, being a master of something takes time, investment and respect. I am on my way to becoming a Master in title but a long way from being one in honorific. I am Syn, I am a D-type personality – I Identify myself as a Dominant, but truly see my little fae and I as Master/slave, but that step in change of dynamic title will be taken as we do everything – Together, and when we are both comfortable with it.

I am sure I will have more, after I read the collective thoughts of my little fae on the subject, but until then:

 

Regards,

 

Syn.

Revisiting Hard Limits.

Yesterday and today my little fae and I talked a lot…we always do, communication is a huge part of our lives. I think total in two days we’ve spent a good 8 to 9 hours just talking, which is on top of a light play date and running around we’ve done.

Our conversations usually include 2 things, Coffee, and examining our day to day lives. Which we both agree D/s is pretty much integral to. During one of these caffeine fueled brainstorming sessions we some how got on the topic of Bisexuality (more notably hers) and my hard limit of no threesomes because I was concerned of feelings developing that would interfere with our dynamic. As I have said, I have to love someone even just a little bit in order to sleep with them, I am hardwired to be that way, which is both a blessing and a curse.

Anyway, as we got talking we discussed how we would like to both eventually train and teach as well as mentor if the opportunity arose. Which got us on the topic of Triad dynamics. Now to me, Triads are not necessarily a form of Polyamory (but I have limited experience and could be wrong), to us  we are in agreement that if we were to bring another woman into our dynamic it would be someone who was “for us both” to enhance what we have, and not to supply something we don’t. Submissive to both of us, and under the understanding that W/we as a pair take precedence…. you can’t have one without the other sort of thing.

I was concerned that with the addition of another woman into our dynamic that Dot would some how…Fade….(I guess is the right word) from where we are and where I have her in my life, Not completely mind you, but enough that it would irrevocably alter our dynamic in a negative way. When I voiced that opinion, she assured me with some of the most heartfelt words I have ever heard come out of her mouth that this would never be the case. the way she explained it literally had me both at a loss for words, and smiling uncontrollably.

So, after our conversation we came to a consensus. Yes, if something organically grows and we have a place in our dynamic we would be open to a Triad. Provided they understood that W/we will always come first to one another, W/we are one entity and there is no one without the other. As a triad we would be together as three, or just Dot and I, private time with the addition to our dynamic would not serve to enhance our existing dynamic and is therefore off limits. We however would want our third to share our interests, find both of us physically attractive, as well as mentally and be able to join our conversations. We have also agreed that said person would have to be single prior to and while with us, but is free to become involved with others provided they realize that would end their sexual involvement with us.

The most important part we agreed upon, is that it would have to develop organically between the three of us, and would then have a contract implemented to not only discuss and clarify BDSM and Kink related Limits, etc, but also the terms of involvement in the dynamic.  Dot and I are not actively searching, and more than likely will not, but the door is open if we agree there is good triad chemistry.

This topic will warrant much more discussion I am sure between us, however it has gone from being a hard Limit to me to something I am open to provided the situation is right. As you can tell from the small pre-cursory discussion a lot of criteria would have to be met to ensure the solidity of our relationship which is first and foremost, not to mention the possibility that we may try it and back out immediately because something feels off.

So how do I feel about it ?

Well I think that as with the possibility and discussion of any new experience (especially for me), there comes that little jolt of apprehension and fear, that is only human. I feel better on a whole having talked to my little fae about how we’d address and approach the situation, because it would not be for her, or be for me, it would be for U/us, as a way to enhance what we have, and make us a stronger couple. I am surprised at myself as well, that with one well worded and well reasoned conversation I went from Adamantly opposed to open to the idea provided the situation was right.

Our conversations regarding this are far from over I know….however it can only be for the better that it will now be one rooted in a different understanding of  the subject. It also raises a point of why as a D/s couple everyone should revisit hard limits,as well as soft and discuss them at regular intervals, who knows your stance on certain things may change suddenly or unexpectedly.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

Ironic Controversy

I’m often a student of human nature, I like finding out what makes people tick. I read incessantly, I want to discover the human experience, here on WordPress I put things out, sometimes people respond, some times they don’t, no big deal, this is largely for my little fae and I, if other people take something out of it that’s fantastic.

Fetlife is another story. I cross post to fetlife things I put here that are relevant, and every once in a while I write something original for there. I do notice a trend with it though…. with the people I have on my FL friendslist I rarely get interaction unless I’m being inflammatory or opinionated. Even in a few FB groups I have that are lifestyle related, unless I point out something I see as stupid, or god forbid tell the 50 shades crowd I’m a sadist, then shit goes crazy.

I understand that fostering communication is good, by being that person to question and step outside what is the popular opinion can make people really think, I play devils advocate with my little fae all the time, and she with me. It helps us to fully dissect and analyze and maybe approach something in a way we normally wouldn’t.

I tend to post things on Fet that are sometimes educational, some times personal, and other times just a random thought. In turn, I read many many things on fet, and if something resonates with me, I throw it a like, no matter what it is. A story, a musing, an inflammatory statement… All of them have merit and are things we should inform the reader SOMETHING resonated with us, not just when we disagree.

I realize I’m being a bit Ironic by posting something that is controversial about people only responding to controversial posts… however it’s a trend I’ve noticed in the BDSM/Kink arena which follows into Vanilla life.  I do truly think that if we only respond to controversy in the end we will completely remove the lighter and happier part of what makes our community a human experience.

Regards,

 

Syn

 

The Introvert, The MaST Meeting, and TPE.

My Little fae is off on business today before she starts her vacation tomorrow, so it’s given me some time to sit back and think. Most notably about the coming week. We are headed into the Neighboring bigger city for a MaST meeting this Saturday. I have to say I’m a bit nervous about going.

Being an introvert is both a blessing and a curse, I have a Public face that I put on, and can deal with people very easily, it used to be my “retail face” but now it’s reserved for meeting new people, and being out and about in the community. I’m still me, same sense of humor and all, it’s just me at a higher volume. It drains me though, and I need time after to reflect, process, and re-charge.

According to the Fetlife group page there are only 11 people (including my little fae and myself) that are attending this meeting, which does make it slightly easier for us both. I am however still leery of going. We have been a D/s couple almost from the get go, but only formally D/s for about 3 years, and “out” in the community for about 7 months. I didn’t have a mentor, and while Dot brought me into this lifestyle, and answers questions I have about things, or directs me to information, I am a largely self “taught” dominant. What we have works for us, and My little fae having some 20+ years knowledge (and practical experience) in the lifestyle has basically said we could do Master/slave quite easily, but there are some liberties she enjoys that are integral to M/s that we both prefer she keep. So, we are D/s rather than M/s but closer on the spectrum to M/s.

I have this nasty habit of being a perfectionist in some things, and I have this underlying concern that I’m going to get to know some of these people in MaST who have been doing things for years, and wonder who the fuck this small town jackass is that calls himself a Dominant. We are not traditionally hardcore in a sense that I allow my little fae to be cheeky with me, I allow her to be herself, she is opinionated, but respectful, she will speak up when not fully in agreement, but deferential  to me when I explain my reasoning. Thing’s like that I find, are rare (at least around our small town).

I am looking forward to making Connections at MaST, and perhaps even finding someone I can bounce Idea’s, thoughts, and concerns off of that has a Dom’s perspective, out here I am the ONLY male dominant that is active in our community, so while I can share things with our 3 Female dominants, there are certain things I don’t understand from thier PoV and vice versa. We have also been told by a few people in our community that we are “Hardcore” D/s, whatever that means, to us our way of being is natural. We have taken on somewhat of an advisory role to people in our community, I suppose our dynamic speaks for itself.

I guess I just needed to get out some of my fears, concerns and doubt’s about this so I can accept and move on…. overall I look at this as a positive experience and one, I hope culminates with us being able to attend the requisite 3 meetings a year (at the minimum) and becoming MaST members.

Our version of TPE, might be different, it might not, but it’s ours, and nothing will ever change that. As with all new experiences I guess I’ll just have to see what my first MaST meeting will bring.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

 

What I have Learned thus far from D/s.

We always have such good conversations, my little fae and I. Today while we were sitting in the park with our pre-work coffee just talking, we came upon the subject of what we have learned from D/s, and as she pointed out, revisiting things every six or so months to re-evaluate and examine is something we should all do.

So, what have I learned or grown in As a Dominant or just a person in general ?

Better ways to Communicate is definitely top of the list. Before embarking on O/our journey, (and in fact our relationship) I was a very hard person to get to know, I talked a lot without saying much. I would bottle my emotions and opinions, at the time I simply thought it was because no one wanted to hear it, or it would be used against me in the relationships I was in. Truth be told I was scared, scared to offend, scared to have to defend my opinion and in  doing so alienate people. I was so worried about being one of those “me me me” people that I cut it all off and in the process became miserable, and not myself. Since we started along our path of D/s it has become infinitely easier for me to deal with the thought of stating what I want, how I feel, and then getting over it however the revealing of the information went. I realize and fully support the fact that I cannot control others reactions, but I CAN control how I deal with it, for my own piece of mind I need to let it out. In no small part I owe this to my little fae, she, as my little fae has taught me the value of communicating wants,desires, and being as direct as I can about it without being overbearing. I still struggle some days, but my little fae knows now and then I need a small (and loving) nudge to open my mouth and get it out, for both our sakes.

Then there is being open(minded) to new experiences. Prior to our D/s experiences and taking that step, I would often offhandedly dismiss experiences or the chance at them that came my way by being dismissive, derogatory or procrastinate until the opportunity passed me by. I would never take the time to really examine how I felt about something, and in turn communicate how I felt about it. I was raised to be overly cautious and stay where I was comfortable, if I didn’t know how to do something or anything about it then I should leave it be for someone else to do because they could handle it. As such I guarded myself not believing that new experiences or thinking them over could be beneficial.  For example bisexuality: The Pre dominant me had a simple thought on the subject “if it makes others happy, so be it, but fuck that noise for me – I’m a guy and I like pussy, that’s all there is”. Once I really examined things I understood why bisexuality was not for me, I actually watched bisexual porn. I watched a lot of it, and realized that for the most part physically I can appreciate the male physique and the work that goes into it, however Women are what turned my crank. On a side note this is mostly my I watch strictly female or lesbian porn now. In our relationship being able to be open and analytical about new experiences keeps us moving forward and growing together, so that we don’t stagnate, get bored and lose that “Fire” we have.

I have learned that by helping my little fae achieve her goals and care for her, I can be more than the sum of my parts. She has an inner strength that I rely on just as much as she counts on mine. I realize that this is not a weakness but a strength. Trust, (greater)compassion and how to have both in my life without being used for them, are all things she has taught me. She trusts me mentally, physically and emotionally completely, and because she does, and I want to I return this completely. I trust her to see me struggle with my past, my present and my future and be that quiet but firm rock that will be there when -I- need it. Because of her submission I have learned that having that one person to share every piece of me with makes me a stronger person, dominant and better at being both. I’ve learned to trust completely, love completely, and in my own way submit to our souls melding into something more.

Probably one of the most important things I have learned is that in everything there is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of ourselves, fear of  being hurt. I’ve also learned that despite this fear We as individuals need to communicate, love and understand ourselves, and with this we can overcome and grow. The Special part of it all, is that, some times we will find someone who will do the same, and help you down your own path to self discovery. They will submit because you need to dominate, they will teach when you don’t think you need to learn, they will be there to remind you who and what you are to them when you don’t know who you are to yourself. They will make you question and examine, analyze and show you how to be a better person. I’ve learned that is domination and submission at it’s core. One is Dominant, One is Submissive, but together we are  a force of nature.

In it’s simplest form D/s is that quiet voice, when you lay together that says I will follow you in to the dark.

There are more things, and perhaps I will revisit this in part two in the near future, I will for sure revisit this in at least 6 months.

Regards,

 

Syn.

It’s not Gender Specific.

This particular post is going to be a bit of a rant, directed at a specific sub section of our lifestyle. Allow me to preface by saying that this is based on both vanilla and Lifestyle observations, but has recently come to a head after reading some comments in a facebook group my little fae and I are part of. It seems to me, that Single female submissives are all right with absolving themselves of responsibility in seeking a dominant with the weak and spineless defense of REAL Dom’s would never do X or Y, men are stupid, I wonder if I’ll ever find a REAL dom.

I’m not saying on a whole that they’re completely wrong in saying certain things…. Dominants (male or female) should behave certain ways on a whole when approaching a submissive, until negotiation’s are complete your prospective submissive is a person, with all the rights, freedoms and responsibilities that come with the package of being human. Would you whip out your Dick, pussy, pec’s, or tits within seconds of meeting a prospective mate, to attract their attention ? Would you walk up to someone and say “you’re sexy, get on your knees and bury your face in my ass” ? Probably not, and if you would, you need some help in figuring out how to be a functioning member of society.

What I do see from certain female submissives who are largely single, or following the herd mentality. Is that if/when a guy approaches them on Fetlife and essentially says these things, not matter how reasonable of advice both Dom and sub is offered, it devolves into bashing men.

The particular issue in question, that set me off was a post by an collared submissive who was contacted by someone on fetlife, that (according to her post) was given her phone number to text her as it is easier than the built in functionality of fetlife. I am guessing he took this as an invitation to escalate his conversation to something more sexual, and was then rebuked…. he lost his shit and she ended up both Blocking him on fet, as well as having to change her phone number. Myself, My littel fae and few others attempted to give her advice on contacting a local munch group/vetted people in her community as she is in an LDR. Which was met with the excuse of being intimidated by “real life” meetings of people in her local Scene. Said post devolved into man bashing, and people justifying her behavior through putting the onus on the man in question.

I’m not saying what he did was right by any means, However, isn’t there a point where as a person you have to start taking responsibility for your own actions, and how you choose to handle a situation, or any mixed signals you might send ?

I see this in  an alarming rate from not only submissives, but some Dominants as well. Don’t play the victim card looking for empathy, or some sort of attention even if it’s “positive”.  If you deliberately go out of your way to not protect yourself, you’re going to constantly be disappointed and hurt. If someone messages you on Fetlife or other social media, and they have no idea you’re Collared, or not seeking another sub, and you fail to inform them in any way of that, it’s your own fault.

I recently had a 21 year old submissive send me a friend request on Fetlife with no message of introduction or contact at all, my profile clearly states dominant of Seldomseenway and Monogamous. so I shot her a message without accepting her friend Request.

“Good evening,

Thank you for the Friend Request, however I am Curious as to why, I generally prefer to get to know someone before I Friend them on fetlife.

I don’t believe we’ve met before unless I am mistaken.

I’m not trying to be Rude, I just generally prefer to know the individuals I am putting on my Friends list… As it can become a safety concern for My Little Fae and I if I were to start friending random people.

If you’re looking for Friendship with us, thats excellent, we’re always looking to meet like minded people, especially if you require a point of contact regarding Munches and other BMK events.

I look forward to hearing from you, and Regards,

Syn”

I will not make myself a victim just because a random girl is out collecting dominants for her friends list (1 female, 30+ male “doms” who are well known creepers). There are no mixed signals here. I clearly state that the friendship would be with U/us, not just me, AND I informed my little fae immediately, as communication can go a long way to dispel problems before the start.

I have heard of too many people on a whole who just don’t fucking think about what message they’re sending out there. Take the conversation from that group above – you gave the guy your PRIVATE phone number after a couple of hours, why do you think he saw it as an invitation, she was just as at fault as he was in the response she received.

Ultimately, you cannot change people’s responses, and you are not responsible for their actions, you can however control how YOU interact with people… if you are constantly the victim of “unwanted advances” after messaging someone or vice versa on social media, perhaps you should re-evaluate how you approach these situations, that way you can be satisfied you’ve done what you can. On the flip side of this the person doing the approaching should figure out why/if they keep getting told to piss off exactly what they sound like to others. Even if you’re a submissive, you are not a fucking doormat who MUST be easy prey for anyone that comes along.

What I have said here Relates to extended contact, I.E. a conversation that goes past the first post of a person sending you a “omfg u hawt, we can haz fuck nao?” I’m talking communication as in messaging back and forth.

In the end we are ALL responsible for our own interactions with people online (unless your Dominant holds that responsibility). Use some common goddamn sense, stop being a victim.

Stop ignoring or omitting certain details to fish for empathy, and quit blaming specific genders for the behavior of a few, PEOPLE on a whole can be assholes, it’s not gender specific. It makes you look weak, and an attention whore.

/End Rant

Regards,

 

Syn