The First time I ever caught a Glimpse of something BDSM related, was Pretty innocent.. Batman Returns, Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, the skin tight latex, the nails and of course, the whip. I was 16, innocent and didn’t know exactly why I liked her sadistic and sexy attitude, BUT there it was filed away in my head for later….uhm….Material. For the most part over the years mainstream movies are littered with these references, Remember Madonna in body of evidence ? Sharone Stone in Basic Instinct ? Even Famke Janssen in Goldeneye (James Bond). These are 3 of the examples that stand out to me, Save one other example that I’ll talk about in a bit.
if you’ve never seen these movies, let me say that all 4 of the characters in question share a few similar traits, they’re all cold, calculating, dangerous, sexy, and they’re all murderers. the Catwoman Bodysuit and whip combination eventually (not sure how) became my defacto idea of what a Dominatrix should look like and is in fact how many professional domina’s chose to dress, as well as “amateurs”. So as a young man Prior to my revelation in 1999 I equated BDSM with Subservient men who would let a Dominatrix do whatever they wanted to them, While these women were sexy, I think I was more turned on by the latex, and the actual act of Domination they were putting out there than the man being in a submissive position. Assuming there were no dominant men in the BDSM lifestyle and as such I discarded it, even when it came up in conversation up until I saw a movie that put a different spin on BDSM.
Eye’s Wide Shut.
While Sensationalized and obviously a “fake” shadow society, I was intrigued. So I did a bit of research and found out, yes there’s men in BDSM, yes they Can be dominant, and No it’s not all catsuits and whips. I had to leave it at this because at that point in my life I was in a very vanilla and VERY destructive phase in my life.
So what did I expect ? even after watching Eyes Wide shut, and doing a bit of Collateral research on the (still fledgling) Internet, I expected to be accosted by a leather clad, whip wielding amazonian and pressed into a cycle of pain and sexual slavery, because I had no Idea I was (or could be) a Dominant…my brain was too clouded by personal issues, and influence from main stream media. I built this world in my head of what BDSM MUST be because I didn’t take the time to live, understand and talk to real people.
Here I am 15 years (give or take) from watching Eyes Wide Shut and almost 20 from watching Catwoman Purr and stretch herself out in that catsuit. I still Love my women in corsets, and PVC, I Still like a Strong woman, and I still think Heeled Boots are hot as shit (Pumps too for that matter). I still look back on the Wax play scene from Body of evidence and remember the feeling it gave me to watch Her do that, I wanted to have that control, I wanted to be the irresistible sexually free in control one.
Realistically things are a little bit different.
I’m the Dom, I’m the sadist, I’m the one that is not only the one in charge sexually, but I am the one that is part of Guiding her, cherishing her, and telling her to be my good little whore. I can ask her at any time to pick out a corset and wear it for me. I can punish her when she’s being a disobedient pain in my ass.
Because she willingly has surrendered to me.
We have a verbal contract of sorts, we talk, we laugh, we make weird noises, we tell inside jokes in outside voices. We communicate – She tells me what she likes, doesn’t like, her hopes, her dreams, her fears.
I am not and will not ever be ANYONE’S Mister Grey. He is an unrealistic expectation of mainstream media, that, if held on to. Can and will Jade, disappoint and corrupt both the view of the community from outsiders and new comers. Ideals such as Mister Grey glorify domestic violence, and using deciet, rather than open communication in the lifestyle. Think I’m full of shit ? He made her sign that Contract under threat of abandonment. Sound sketchy at all ?
I’m Syn, I talk to my Submissive, I hold her when she Cries, I share her Triumphs, I share her learning experiences. I hold her after I Punish her, and I whisper good girl in her ear when she’s coming down. I guide her to be a better person, and I look ahead to what we will become. We are real, we have flaws and I’m ok with that.
Talk to people with real world experience before you get upset you can’t find your Christian Grey, or Selena Kyle. the reality of a D/s lifestyle might not be for you, but if it is you’ll end up taking a REAL journey that defies explanation.