This particular post is going to be a bit of a rant, directed at a specific sub section of our lifestyle. Allow me to preface by saying that this is based on both vanilla and Lifestyle observations, but has recently come to a head after reading some comments in a facebook group my little fae and I are part of. It seems to me, that Single female submissives are all right with absolving themselves of responsibility in seeking a dominant with the weak and spineless defense of REAL Dom’s would never do X or Y, men are stupid, I wonder if I’ll ever find a REAL dom.
I’m not saying on a whole that they’re completely wrong in saying certain things…. Dominants (male or female) should behave certain ways on a whole when approaching a submissive, until negotiation’s are complete your prospective submissive is a person, with all the rights, freedoms and responsibilities that come with the package of being human. Would you whip out your Dick, pussy, pec’s, or tits within seconds of meeting a prospective mate, to attract their attention ? Would you walk up to someone and say “you’re sexy, get on your knees and bury your face in my ass” ? Probably not, and if you would, you need some help in figuring out how to be a functioning member of society.
What I do see from certain female submissives who are largely single, or following the herd mentality. Is that if/when a guy approaches them on Fetlife and essentially says these things, not matter how reasonable of advice both Dom and sub is offered, it devolves into bashing men.
The particular issue in question, that set me off was a post by an collared submissive who was contacted by someone on fetlife, that (according to her post) was given her phone number to text her as it is easier than the built in functionality of fetlife. I am guessing he took this as an invitation to escalate his conversation to something more sexual, and was then rebuked…. he lost his shit and she ended up both Blocking him on fet, as well as having to change her phone number. Myself, My littel fae and few others attempted to give her advice on contacting a local munch group/vetted people in her community as she is in an LDR. Which was met with the excuse of being intimidated by “real life” meetings of people in her local Scene. Said post devolved into man bashing, and people justifying her behavior through putting the onus on the man in question.
I’m not saying what he did was right by any means, However, isn’t there a point where as a person you have to start taking responsibility for your own actions, and how you choose to handle a situation, or any mixed signals you might send ?
I see this in an alarming rate from not only submissives, but some Dominants as well. Don’t play the victim card looking for empathy, or some sort of attention even if it’s “positive”. If you deliberately go out of your way to not protect yourself, you’re going to constantly be disappointed and hurt. If someone messages you on Fetlife or other social media, and they have no idea you’re Collared, or not seeking another sub, and you fail to inform them in any way of that, it’s your own fault.
I recently had a 21 year old submissive send me a friend request on Fetlife with no message of introduction or contact at all, my profile clearly states dominant of Seldomseenway and Monogamous. so I shot her a message without accepting her friend Request.
Thank you for the Friend Request, however I am Curious as to why, I generally prefer to get to know someone before I Friend them on fetlife.
I don’t believe we’ve met before unless I am mistaken.
I’m not trying to be Rude, I just generally prefer to know the individuals I am putting on my Friends list… As it can become a safety concern for My Little Fae and I if I were to start friending random people.
If you’re looking for Friendship with us, thats excellent, we’re always looking to meet like minded people, especially if you require a point of contact regarding Munches and other BMK events.
I look forward to hearing from you, and Regards,
I will not make myself a victim just because a random girl is out collecting dominants for her friends list (1 female, 30+ male “doms” who are well known creepers). There are no mixed signals here. I clearly state that the friendship would be with U/us, not just me, AND I informed my little fae immediately, as communication can go a long way to dispel problems before the start.
I have heard of too many people on a whole who just don’t fucking think about what message they’re sending out there. Take the conversation from that group above – you gave the guy your PRIVATE phone number after a couple of hours, why do you think he saw it as an invitation, she was just as at fault as he was in the response she received.
Ultimately, you cannot change people’s responses, and you are not responsible for their actions, you can however control how YOU interact with people… if you are constantly the victim of “unwanted advances” after messaging someone or vice versa on social media, perhaps you should re-evaluate how you approach these situations, that way you can be satisfied you’ve done what you can. On the flip side of this the person doing the approaching should figure out why/if they keep getting told to piss off exactly what they sound like to others. Even if you’re a submissive, you are not a fucking doormat who MUST be easy prey for anyone that comes along.
What I have said here Relates to extended contact, I.E. a conversation that goes past the first post of a person sending you a “omfg u hawt, we can haz fuck nao?” I’m talking communication as in messaging back and forth.
In the end we are ALL responsible for our own interactions with people online (unless your Dominant holds that responsibility). Use some common goddamn sense, stop being a victim.
Stop ignoring or omitting certain details to fish for empathy, and quit blaming specific genders for the behavior of a few, PEOPLE on a whole can be assholes, it’s not gender specific. It makes you look weak, and an attention whore.