After the confession in my last post I wanted to share something that I’ve been rolling over in my head for part of the night, it’s less of a revelation and more of an explanation for me, but for the sake of transparency and getting to know me I think it’s important.
I have been accused of writing very Clinically, or coldly, even when I am discussing my feelings or thoughts. I can “come off like a high and mighty asshole”. Well I am an asshole, I won’t deny that….but honestly I write the way I do, because Its fucking hard for me to put myself out there for the world to see.
As a person, my default is laughing and joking, I find humor in everything (even things I probably shouldn’t) I find it very hard to make friends,and even harder to put forth the effort to maintain them, not because I don’t want to, but because I am an introvert that uses humor and a quick wit to deal with people. So If I make it a point to tell you that we should get together for coffee or that I am looking forward to seeing you again, I am not bullshitting you – I actually mean it.
Even further in this, I find it hard to talk about and share my kinks with people, I am a sadist of a depth not yet discovered, and its scary to me. I am a recently evolved (from Dominant) Master of my slave, who also happens to be my best friend and other half, this relationship and my little fae are the most important thing(s) in my day to day life, and discussing it directly is also scary and taxing if/when I have to explain why we’re not hardcore 24/7 but more of an organically grown 24/7 with M/s Benefits, having recently come to the epiphany that I don’t have to explain to people who aren’t genuinely curious to learn, and simply criticize is a bloody god send though.
It may seem a bit odd, but for me my confidence as a person comes from equal parts humor, and equal parts clinical speech and writing… I do actually use words that are rare, like disingenuous, it helps me communicate myself easier… maybe not for others, but it helps me. lol
I guess what I’m trying to say, or get out, or just come to terms with, is: If you’ve just met me I know I can be hard to get to know, I might seem standoffish or abrasive, and I swear I don’t mean to be….but it has been a behavior learned over a decade and a half as a way to keep myself safe, and unlearning it will take time as I progress further down my path.
D-types are people too, and we have issues to work through, please bear with me while I learn to conquer mine.
I will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite Novels.
“Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland