No one really “loves” talking about personally hard subjects, it’s perhaps the greatest taboo out there, vulnerabilities are things people tend to play close to the chest, however since this blog and cyber-space in general affords us some anonymity some are a little more free to talk about them.
Since this is one such avenue for me, that’s precisely what I want to write about today…One of my vulnerabilities. If in your eyes it will make you see me as less, or not a true Master/Dominant personality, then please, come back for my future posts and give this one a pass. Before you go however I want to share this quote which may entice you to stay or at the least understand why I am writing this.
“I want to be a man who is truthful and who won’t let pride get in the way of my ripping myself open to my partner and saying, ‘Here I am. This is me.’ I feel there’s something powerful when a man reaches a point in his life when he can be completely vulnerable.” Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson
I’ve never been what you’d call suave, or confident when it comes to meeting women I find attractive, in fact I tend to get nervous, tongue tied , and quiet. My little fae can tell you that 90% of the time that is not me at all, I usually have my shit together, and have no problems matching anyone in conversation.
I’ve always been very self conscious, I’m a big man, I stand 5’9 and 220lbs, and I have body hair I refuse to remove, and although I look overweight I can deadlift a small car (after a few years of powerlifting). I come from a time when my love of video games, Sci-fi/fantasy and comic books/graphic novels we not trendy or cool. I will likely be remembered as the kid who when he asked a girl to prom got kneed in the groin and walked away from. I don’t constantly relive these things, but I do carry them with me. Because of these things I often gravitated towards ANY woman that would have me, even if those women were train wrecks. I’ve only ever asked one woman out in my life, and it was the girl in high school, there may be one other that had a similar result when I was much younger, but it’s too foggy for me to recall properly.
I cannot read women, at all – they might as well be aliens for all the good it does me, I can read the body language of a cat a million times better. Not to say I can’t recognize flirting from a woman, I just can’t recognize it when it’s directed at me. My little fae chuckles at this and has assured me that since we have been together there have been multiple women that have, and I am completely oblivious to.
The reason I have mentioned all of this is (not so) simple.
As someone on a path of mastery, to me, that means continually improving myself and striving to be better at whatever I set my mind to. Maybe not an expert, but better. How does this relate in any way to TPE and BDSM ? Well, as I mentioned, my little fae and I have been looking (not actively but our eyes are open) for a woman to join us in a Triad dynamic, not to “fix” anything, but to add to what we have already in a positive manner. My little fae is Bisexual, and misses women – and after some lengthy conversations W/we both think that having a woman who is submissive to me, but Dominant to her could enrich our lives. This would need to be an equal partnership, and have her be as much ‘mine’ as she is my little fae’s. In that it would stave off jealousy and problems that would arise from trying to steal a partner or some other situation 3 parts of a whole as it were.
In the interim of finding that Triad, I figure I’ll need to discuss this next thought further with my little fae (Hear that ? coffee topic tomorrow :P) , but I believe we’ve settled on finding at the very least a Female for play/ a threesome(?) if not more. One in particular if my current train of thought is right.
So what the fuck is the problem, you ask ?
Like I said, I’m fucking clueless when it comes to women, how do I know if I’m on the radar, or since they want to play with my slave they’ll ‘tolerate’ me ? I have issues in my own head to work through regarding my case of being-a-bitch-itis.
Confidence is sexy, thats what I always hear…and I AM confident as a D-type on my path of mastery, My (current) dynamic and what I want, but how do I get past my head fucking it up ? Or at least to the point where I am not second guessing all the goddamn time. It does get annoying that I am clueless when it comes to women, it’s a miracle my little fae found me after so many years, and suggested the coffee, as I said, when I went to kiss her the first time in my head it was a crap shoot as to whether or not she was going to shove me away until out lips connected, even though she looks incredulous I couldn’t tell she was interested.
So, there you have it, horrible secret ? destruction of the Idea that I am in fact a D-type personality ? or are some of the other D-types out there shaking their heads at me ? Any thoughts, comments or advice is welcomed from whoever….. I could use some.
Regards, and in the Spirit of Leather,