Every year about this time, I write two specific words on two specific cards – and every year it gets harder and harder to do.

The two words are simple: Love, Dad.

the two cards are a Christmas and Birthday card to my son who lives with his mother and I never see either of them, His mother will send pictures and a yearly letter to my parents, but rarely am I included. I am learning of his life by proxy, seeing a young version of me grow up in pictures…. looking so much like the face I’d see in the mirror when I was a child.

When I was younger, before Dot, I was a Wreck. Live Hard, Drink hard, give no fucks, that was my motto.

When I eventually hit bottom and we were pregnant I got… better….but somewhere around my son’s 6 month his mother and I had a nuclear meltdown. She had broken up with me about 2 days after we found out we were pregnant, and that sort of hastened my trip to my bottom…. but after I bounced I tried to do what was right, I still went to visit her during the pregnancy to help her if she needed, I was there for every Doctor’s appointment and all the other little things, all though veiled threats from her parents, siblings and friends. I didn’t flinch one Iota because I figured thats what I needed to do. The final straw came on suddenly – after our son was born, she started using him as a barganing chip and as emotional leverage to try and get me to do things like suppot her, pay her rent, and at one point even wanted to move into the basement suite of my house to live free of charge.

I pretty much lost my shit and told her to get the fuck out of my life, I would not have my son used against me in that way. I know I could go to the courts, there are things I could do… I KNOW this, but eventually the slow doses of poison would color my perception and make me resent him.

So here I am.

I’ve just written those two words on two more cards.

To a young man I may never get to know…but if he chooses to come and find me, I will be able to say 4 words even if he doesn’t reciprocate.  I love you son.

Hug the ones you love, and value the time you have with them. Kids, partners, family, they deserve it, and so do you.

I know this wasn’t lifestyle related, and I’ve been gone a while, but I needed to put this somewhere, and now I should be getting to bed, as I have yet another work day tomorrow… 9 days on to get a Saturday off for the MaST holiday gathering this weekend.