Last Night I wrote further about my Needle Play Experience, and a few things i had mulled ovver in my head as a result, and unfortunately wordpress ate it. This did however get me thinking more, and so I started re-writing when I got home from work, as I had more time to think.
I’ve come to realize that I thoroughly enjoyed myself topping someone that wasn’t Dot. After some conversation with her, and yet more processing, I also realize that there is no reason for me to feel guilty about doing so – as long as the bottom in question has respectfully asked Dot for permission to play with me/asked me and I tell her (part of our negotiated verbal contract), then I should just enjoy myself. it’s incredibly hard for me to just let go of a lifetime of stigma and being up tight regarding anything vaguely erotic or “abnormal”. Dot assures me that she Loved watching me “at work” and sat visiting with Lola while doing so.
Which brings me to the next point and a hard one for me to admit.
I’m marginally jealous of Dot at these events.
Whether she see’s (or admits) it, or not she garners A LOT of attention at these events. quite often I feel as though I am nothing but an afterthought to some. She doesn’t see it, but she is strikingly beautiful, and even though she is my Slave, she can dominate a room just on her presence alone when she enters it. Couple this with my lack of ability to overcome some pretty deep seeded self esteem issues, and I do on occasion feel left out when it comes to women who have made it no secret that they want to play with her. We also talked about this at length – and at the root of it, is my self esteem issues, I have to learn to not give a fuck.
They say it takes 21 days of repetition to build or break a habit, I am more than willing to put in the work to break this issue I have… I just don’t know where to start or how. I am proud of myself though, I’m MUCH better than I was even 5 years ago.
It’s frustrating for me to be so sure of myself in some aspects, and so fucking weak or unsure in others. I don’t even know how to put words to it to be honest, I have sat here from the last paragraph to this one thinking for a good 15 minutes on it, and still the words won’t come.
She assures me that I am very very good at starting conversations, and she can handle the flirting, but to be honest, I need to learn to do a bit of that myself – which brings us back to finding my center of “not giving a fuck zen”.
Perhaps I need to stop trying to analyze and just do, rather than over thinking – it’s not Astrophysics.