this particular post is something I do want to share, however it’s going to be written to my little Fae.
You said to me the other day “I just hope I don’t stop you from finding someone.” now this was in regards to our polyamorous search, and to be honest I feel the same way. not in regards to you, more in regards to me.
I know you miss women, I know you’ve also said that if we do not find a third you would be perfectly happy with just me. With that said, something else you wrote resonated with me. You had said that I still wasn’t comfortable with you finding a girlfriend solely for yourself.
Now in the poly scheme of things this is what I would call my first bout of jealousy. I am jealous of sharing you with someone, mostly because that wouldn’t be together.I think I would be less jealous of a woman as your partner, I don’t think I could handle you having another male partner and you know this.
There are few reasons, primarily I would be jealous of the time they would get with you and I wouldn’t.I get so little time with you to begin with it would be hard to split that with someone else. Doing things with them, laughs I wouldn’t share, smiles I wouldn’t see, jokes I wouldn’t get – and Physical contact I wouldn’t experience.
Another point of jealousy for me in that regard is my complete and utter inability to talk to a potential partner even remotely…. you’ve seen me, I’m a fucking wreck and would (trust me) have Issues meeting a potential partner on my own – I wasn’t kidding when I said it was a fucking miracle we ever ended up together. I can’t approach women and flirt as easily as you can, or even summon the courage to ask a woman on a date most times like I did with you… I had nothing to lose at that point.
I don’t think I could handle thinking to myself (and you know I do) “welp, I wonder if she’s going to end up leaving me because she’s getting what she needs elsewhere.” (I know this isn’t the case, but my brain is a fucking scumbag). I always try to do my best, and give you every bit of me – I try very hard to be a Good partner, Sir, and friend. However that little voice in the dark corners always tells me “You should be doing more, she deserves more”.
I would be Jealous of how quickly you’d find a partner – it would be MUCH faster than you think, and some days I think I’m just holding you back from being completely happy because I’m Selfish, and don’t want to be alone while you’d be out on a date, or experiencing things I can’t share with you (or both of you). I don’t want to be like that partner who we read about on fetlife who isn’t even Friends with their Primary’s partner.
So the flip side of this needs to be mentioned as well: Guilt.
lets say this was reversed – I was the one who found a secondary – I don’t think I could do it (but you never know).
I would definitely feel guilt…. even thought you never say a word when I go out with people while you are working – I still feel guilty that I’m experiencing or doing, and you’re not with me…. I WANT you to share those things with me, I know our interests diverge in certain things, as they should… but when it comes to socializing or going out places I WANT you there, and to me, being out with another on a date without you would be excruciating.
I would feel HUGE amounts of guilt over another sexual partner, that you weren’t included with… I don’t thnk I can explain this one with any other phrase, other than whats mine is yours always….and I would want to share that with you.
After reading all of what I wrote above the Jealousy part can pretty much be flipped to my Point of view and assumed as guilt as well…. I just don’t have enough healthy examples of poly, or people I trust to talk about these things to – and Truth be told my little fae, I love you dearly, but trying to ask the questions I need to, and not knowing what they are makes it incredibly difficult, because some days you are tight lipped at best about it…. through no fault of your own – I ask and you’ll answer, but I don’t even know WHAT I need to ask to get the answers I’m looking for or need.
With this all said, I never want to deny you absolute happiness, you have been more than I could ever ask for, and I am slowly trying to open up my thinking – and again playing catch up. You have more patience, love and understanding while I sort through this than I could have ever hoped for, and I Love you for it (and so much more).
Just some insight for you all into the thought struggle I have been having for a while….
Thank you my little fae, for never judging, being patient, attentive, loving and helping me grow, as a person, master, and sexual human being….this journey will take a while, but I’ll keep talking and sharing as long as you will listen.