Struggling, Real (or Imagined) Dilemma’s.

this particular post is something I do want to share, however it’s going to be written to my little Fae.

You said to me the other day “I just hope I don’t stop you from finding someone.” now this was in regards to our polyamorous search, and to be honest I feel the same way. not in regards to you, more in regards to me.

I know you miss women, I know you’ve also said that if we do not find a third you would be perfectly happy with just me. With that said, something else you wrote resonated with me. You had said that I still wasn’t comfortable with you finding a girlfriend solely for yourself.

Now in the poly scheme of things this is what I would call my first bout of jealousy. I am jealous of sharing you with someone, mostly because that wouldn’t be together.I think I would be less jealous of a woman as your partner, I don’t think I could handle you having another male partner and you know this.

There are few reasons, primarily I would be jealous of the time they would get with you and I wouldn’t.I get so little time with you to begin with it would be hard to split that with someone else. Doing things with them, laughs I wouldn’t share, smiles I wouldn’t see, jokes I wouldn’t get – and Physical contact I wouldn’t experience.

Another point of jealousy for me in that regard is my complete and utter inability to talk to a potential partner even remotely…. you’ve seen me, I’m a fucking wreck and would (trust me) have Issues meeting a potential partner on my own – I wasn’t kidding when I said it was a fucking miracle we ever ended up together. I can’t approach women and flirt as easily as you can, or even summon the courage to ask a woman on a date most times like I did with you… I had nothing to lose at that point.

I don’t think I could handle thinking to myself (and you know I do) “welp, I wonder if she’s going to end up leaving me because she’s getting what she needs elsewhere.” (I know this isn’t the case, but my brain is a fucking scumbag). I always try to do my best, and give you every bit of me – I try very hard to be a Good partner, Sir, and friend. However that little voice in the dark corners always tells me “You should be doing more, she deserves more”.

I would be Jealous of how quickly you’d find a partner – it would be MUCH faster than you think, and some days I think I’m just holding you back from being completely happy because I’m Selfish, and don’t want to be alone while you’d be out on a date, or experiencing things I can’t share with you (or both of you). I don’t want to be like that partner who we read about on fetlife who isn’t even Friends with their Primary’s partner.

So the flip side of this needs to be mentioned as well: Guilt.

lets say this was reversed – I was the one who found a secondary – I don’t think I could do it (but you never know).

I would definitely feel guilt…. even thought you never say a word when I go out with people while you are working – I still feel guilty that I’m experiencing or doing, and you’re not with me…. I WANT you to share those things with me, I know our interests diverge in certain things, as they should… but when it comes to socializing or going out places I WANT you there, and to me, being out with another on a date without you would be excruciating.

I would feel HUGE amounts of guilt over another sexual partner, that you weren’t included with… I don’t thnk I can explain this one with any other phrase, other than whats mine is yours always….and I would want to share that with you.

After reading all of what I wrote above the Jealousy part can pretty much be flipped to my Point of view and assumed as guilt as well…. I just don’t have enough healthy examples of poly, or people I trust to talk about these things to – and Truth be told my little fae, I love you dearly, but trying to ask the questions I need to, and not knowing what they are makes it incredibly difficult, because some days you are tight lipped at best about it…. through no fault of your own – I ask and you’ll answer, but I don’t even know WHAT I need to ask to get the answers I’m looking for or need.

With this all said, I never want to deny you absolute happiness, you have been more than I could ever ask for, and I am slowly trying to open up my thinking – and again playing catch up. You have more patience, love and understanding while I sort through this than I could have ever hoped for, and I Love you for it (and so much more).

Just some insight for you all into the thought struggle I have been having for a while….

Thank you my little fae, for never judging, being patient, attentive, loving and helping me grow, as a person, master, and sexual human being….this journey will take a while, but I’ll keep talking and sharing as long as you will listen.

Syn

Where we are, Where We’re Going, and Who Wants to Come ?

My Little fae recently posted about our Hunt for a Unicorn, and how she is feeling about it, and I must say I am thunderstruck at that post, it is an honor to see just what she thinks of me, and how much she values our relationship in her own words.

This is My take on where we find ourselves now.

I’ve been Monogamous as long as i can remember, my parents have been together for just over 50 years, haven’t slept in the same bed for going on 20, and haven’t really been in love for probably that long either. However that’s how they do things, you marry once, and you’re with that person for the rest of your life – for better or worse, till death do you part.

I saw this growing up and basically thought that’s what relationships were, not love-less but you were with one person and that’s how you stayed. Looking back on it now, I do realize a few things about myself. I think in one form or another I was always poly, I “crushed” on two or three girls at a time when i was younger, and well into my mid twenties. I think if my past were different and more liberal as opposed to conservative and Wrought with abusive relationships I would have likely had multiple love interests at once.

That said, I am glad I wasn’t poly when I met my little fae, I don’t think our relationship and conneciton would be as strong as it is now if we weren’t monogamous for as long as we’ve been.

In the beginning of our relationship Dot was still polyamorous, and I knew this – She had “puppies” as she called them. I would have never forced her to get rid of them, however in my own head I gave her about 6 months to end those relationships – I didn’t share well at that point, this was for my own sanity, and my own well being. and even years later I am beyond thrilled that she did so.

So where are we now ?

I am now 100% on board with the idea of finding a female to join us on our journey, whether that be a short term partner or a lifetime together. Why you ask? what’s different ?

I had a long talk with myself about a week ago, shortly after our MaST meeting on Polyamory – I had to ask myself a few questions.

Could I be happy “sharing” Dot with another person ?  I could, but under certain circumstances. Another woman yes, another man not so much. I know well enough Dot misses having a female lover, and someone she can treat as a “sister” (don’t get me wrong, we have a lot of close female friends we consider family, but this is different).

How much do I trust her ? One word: Implicitly. (end of this Explanation, it needs no more words.)

What do I want out of this? Ideally for me, it would be another person to share inside jokes with, someone to ADD to the already amazing conversations we share. Someone who understands and accepts our dynamic, they don’t need to be into TPE, however that would be a large bonus. I want to find someone that see’s in me even a quarter of what Dot see’s. I want someone that will love us equally without hesitation or reserve. I want someone that will respect, love and cherish this fantastic woman I consider to be my soul mate, my life, and the fire in my eyes when I have no fire of my own to give.

Can I overcome my own Jealousy and enjoy what a Triad could have to offer ? I am going to say, I think so. With Careful, open and honest communication between all parties involved anything is possible, my little fae has taught me this.

In all of this – I am STILL a touch leery, but what surprises me is it is less for selfish reasons at this point. I do NOT want my little fae hurt, not if it’s something I could prevent. I know, I know, she’s a big girl and can handle it. I’ve been hurt so many times by partners in the past, that if something were to happen I would do as I have always done, put my head into the wind and rain and continue moving forward. but for the life of me, I don’t think I could stand to see someone in our lives that didn’t Love her as deeply as I do, nor could I stand to see someone come into our lives that can’t accept her as she is – and I mean COMPLETELY. From her Quirks, to her (deliciously inappropriate) sense of humor, to that slightly sad look she gets when reflecting on past events, and she doesn’t think I notice. I want someone that will know during these times what she needs and will be willing to give as readily as I am. She deserve all that and more.

I just hope that if we don’t find that, at the very least we have fun trying – and even if it’s just the odd threesome, short term relationship, or for Life – She and I are, as always together.

Going forward I hope sincerely we at the bare minimum enjoy the experience, and if we don’t find our third, No matter what – we enjoy ourselves, the journey and the experiences.

Regards,

Syn