My Little fae recently posted about our Hunt for a Unicorn, and how she is feeling about it, and I must say I am thunderstruck at that post, it is an honor to see just what she thinks of me, and how much she values our relationship in her own words.
This is My take on where we find ourselves now.
I’ve been Monogamous as long as i can remember, my parents have been together for just over 50 years, haven’t slept in the same bed for going on 20, and haven’t really been in love for probably that long either. However that’s how they do things, you marry once, and you’re with that person for the rest of your life – for better or worse, till death do you part.
I saw this growing up and basically thought that’s what relationships were, not love-less but you were with one person and that’s how you stayed. Looking back on it now, I do realize a few things about myself. I think in one form or another I was always poly, I “crushed” on two or three girls at a time when i was younger, and well into my mid twenties. I think if my past were different and more liberal as opposed to conservative and Wrought with abusive relationships I would have likely had multiple love interests at once.
That said, I am glad I wasn’t poly when I met my little fae, I don’t think our relationship and conneciton would be as strong as it is now if we weren’t monogamous for as long as we’ve been.
In the beginning of our relationship Dot was still polyamorous, and I knew this – She had “puppies” as she called them. I would have never forced her to get rid of them, however in my own head I gave her about 6 months to end those relationships – I didn’t share well at that point, this was for my own sanity, and my own well being. and even years later I am beyond thrilled that she did so.
So where are we now ?
I am now 100% on board with the idea of finding a female to join us on our journey, whether that be a short term partner or a lifetime together. Why you ask? what’s different ?
I had a long talk with myself about a week ago, shortly after our MaST meeting on Polyamory – I had to ask myself a few questions.
Could I be happy “sharing” Dot with another person ? I could, but under certain circumstances. Another woman yes, another man not so much. I know well enough Dot misses having a female lover, and someone she can treat as a “sister” (don’t get me wrong, we have a lot of close female friends we consider family, but this is different).
How much do I trust her ? One word: Implicitly. (end of this Explanation, it needs no more words.)
What do I want out of this? Ideally for me, it would be another person to share inside jokes with, someone to ADD to the already amazing conversations we share. Someone who understands and accepts our dynamic, they don’t need to be into TPE, however that would be a large bonus. I want to find someone that see’s in me even a quarter of what Dot see’s. I want someone that will love us equally without hesitation or reserve. I want someone that will respect, love and cherish this fantastic woman I consider to be my soul mate, my life, and the fire in my eyes when I have no fire of my own to give.
Can I overcome my own Jealousy and enjoy what a Triad could have to offer ? I am going to say, I think so. With Careful, open and honest communication between all parties involved anything is possible, my little fae has taught me this.
In all of this – I am STILL a touch leery, but what surprises me is it is less for selfish reasons at this point. I do NOT want my little fae hurt, not if it’s something I could prevent. I know, I know, she’s a big girl and can handle it. I’ve been hurt so many times by partners in the past, that if something were to happen I would do as I have always done, put my head into the wind and rain and continue moving forward. but for the life of me, I don’t think I could stand to see someone in our lives that didn’t Love her as deeply as I do, nor could I stand to see someone come into our lives that can’t accept her as she is – and I mean COMPLETELY. From her Quirks, to her (deliciously inappropriate) sense of humor, to that slightly sad look she gets when reflecting on past events, and she doesn’t think I notice. I want someone that will know during these times what she needs and will be willing to give as readily as I am. She deserve all that and more.
I just hope that if we don’t find that, at the very least we have fun trying – and even if it’s just the odd threesome, short term relationship, or for Life – She and I are, as always together.
Going forward I hope sincerely we at the bare minimum enjoy the experience, and if we don’t find our third, No matter what – we enjoy ourselves, the journey and the experiences.