The Perfect Storm (Or: But wait! There’s MORE!)

You know that Movie from 2000 The Perfect Storm ? No? you should go watch it, seriously, because I’m about to use a part of the ending from it as a comparison, and I don’t want to be THAT dick that spoils a really good movie for you.

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So at the end of the movie there’s a Scene where a MASSIVE wave has overturned the Andrea Gail and George Clooney’s character is in the wheelhouse and pushes Mark Walberg’s Character out and to give him a chance to survive, while retreating into the darkness ?

I can kind of empathize with Clooney at this point.

Now I’m not intentionally trying to be melodramatic, but today has been one of those days where the water just kept rushing in, and more and more keeps piling up.

So what’s going on you may ask ?

First off, dot and I are fine, dealing with everything but realistically our relationship is as strong, if not stronger than it’s ever been .

On another relationship front, things aren’t so good. Today dot and bubs ended their relationship. Now I have known for some time that dot was feeling used, and unnoticed by bubs, and I tried to tell bubs as such without overstepping into a territory that would force them into a relationship. However, there was no follow through on certain things from bubs, and dot, being very logical and of no time for that sort of thing ended up pulling away to the point where she ended things earlier today.

Which leads into me.

I am now at a junction, bubs and I haven’t been doing well from a TPE standpoint at all – and I have discussed the things she needs to work on, however these things have come to a head and it compounds with her BPD escalating, her thinking the thought that she is now going to lose me, because the triad we had searched for never really stabilized.

My issue is this – Recently I have felt as though the last 3 months have just gone in one ear and out the other with bubs, simple concepts I would expect someone under consideration to grasp and execute are just NOT THERE. Or my word is taken as a suggestion not an order, even after punishment and re-evaluation,  the same mistakes are continuing to be made. SO now I have some thinking to do.

But wait! There’s MORE!

I am also watching two families implode, my leather family is having their own struggles with BPD, their other partner and things in general.  I feel rather helpless thinking I should be doing more to help, but also knowing I can’t until things settle with them all. Not to mention their partner who is basically my sister is training her three girls and dealing with their recent issues and fuck-ups still haunting them, and dealing with that.

But wait! There’s MORE!

Work is having an issue with a young man who works for us who doesn’t know better than to discuss with clients how fucking wasted he got last night, etc, and even after telling our manager repeatedly, she refuses to take action to discipline or fire (which is the only real choice). This drives me fucking crazy. I’ve talked to the kid, but being unable to discipline him, it goes in one ear and out the other. At work, sadly I am a dog without teeth, nothing more than my words. And no matter how I approach it, I’m stuck bailing out water with my regulars because of this irresponsible jackass child and the weak person in the authoritative position to correct it.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of tonight we may be hosting someone from the community as a “couch-guest” for a while – They fucked up with the lease on their apartment, and as such will be homeless in less than 48 hours.  Now bear in mind, we currently ALSO have dot’s oldest and her partner staying with us until they find a place. So a 2 bedroom home could possibly now have 5 people (and 4 cats) living in it for a while.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of 4PM this afternoon (as I found out from my father in the last 20 minutes of work), My mother was admitted to the hospital because of her recent injury.  She has found herself unable to move or walk very well from a pinched nerve in her lower back – My mother is 73 and also recently tore all the ligaments in her leg due to a blackout/fall some months ago. She is currently settled in the hospital and on an IV rehydrating from lack of water, and also being treated for a lack of nutrition – due to not being able to sit and cook and the like. My father didn’t know this because mom never said a word to him or I. She was more worried about being a burden to people than being healthy, which is out and out destructive pride.

But wait! There’s MORE! (sort of)

There are some other things going on of note that has contributed to the day, however I will discuss those at a later time, because they deserve more attention and examination than a paragraph in an already comprehensive entry.

I’m feeling rather overwhelmed today (and really for the last few days and weeks), but writing was high on my list of priorities to get this out of my head….

I’m not sure of solutions or much of anything at this point, I just needed to put it in words so I can dump some of the stress, refocus and re-arm.

Regards,

 

Syn.

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Today is a day, Tomorrow is a New One.

This has been one of those weeks I wish would just end already. I just kinda need the spew out what I’ve been dealing with on a personal level because really I don’t have much of a support system locally (with the Leather  family being 2 hours away and dealing with their own cluster fuck at the moment – I’m also worried about them and wishing I could help).

So lets start with the (semi) easy stuff.

Recently My other partner was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline personality disorder), in and of itself it answered many questions for me about her behavior – Struggling was a word I’d use lightly, however now that I know I can tailor my approach to TPE differently than I have been – No less strict, but perhaps attempt a different Tack when things go tits up. Learning to deal and accept/adjust my whole way of thinking to accommodate this has been…. Stressful.

Couple that with a night My little fae had where she hit a pretty hard low, I came home from work and she was VERY quiet – so I knew something was wrong immediately – So I patiently waited for her to talk to me. she instead pointed me towards a journal entry she will likely never post. I won’t go into detail as some of the content it beyond personal, but let me just say – it broke my heart to read that she was having these thoughts – I understand a lot of them, because I have quite a few of them as well, however there were a few that were not exactly foreign to me, more a polar opposite of what I think about myself, neither flattering. I spent some time just being there for her being re-assuring and as comforting as I could be. She was much better before she had to go to work, but still a little low.

 

Then the tri-fecta – this was what pushed me over, and snowballed a few things today.

I got a text from my father who is out of town on business .

Now let me Preface this part with: my mom, and her health – it’s never been great, she has Lupus and Fibromyalgia, on top of arterial degenerative disease, extremely high blood pressure and a fucking stubborn streak a goddamn mile wide. She drinks at least 1 vodka and seven-up a day(which leads to gout attacks) , smokes half a pack of cigarettes (despite my working in a vape shop and getting her one[which she doesn’t use]), and just recently (at the age of 72) fell and tore most of the ligaments in her ankle – thus she can’t walk. So all in all, she’s a fucking mess….

So the text – basically said – When he gets back he’s going to take mom to a bunch of specialists, and hopefully they can do something for her, because if they can’t she is going to have to go to a personal care home. My family has a HORRIBLE fucking track record with those places…. it is basically Palliative care, and within a year (two at the most in my grandmothers case, because she was stubborn as a motherfucker) we are collecting their personal effects.

SO needless to say I was a goddamn wreck at work today…. all I wanted was to put my head down, and Plod through the day as fast as possible. My manager (who I’ve been with at work since she was hired) asked me what was wrong I told her about mom…. and her response is – I’m sorryt about your mom, but try and look on the bright side – it IS palliative care but they’re trained to deal with that sort of thing.

Well now – it basically took everything I had to not tell that cunt to go fuck herself with a cheese grater and lemon juice. I did, in a way…..but it lacked some impact, as the didn’t actually reference the word cunt, cheese grater or masturbation.

So, for the rest of the night I lived in my head, poking out enough to make the usual smile, greeting and sale/set up for clients, along with putting away some new product and labeling others. When you do that you get a lot of time to think.

So I did.

Really, everything came stampeding at me all at once, and I started hitting a low, and I mean very low….my body issues, every bad choice, ALL the absolutely epically dumb things I’ve said to people (women, friends, and family) just decided to swim in my head for a while.

I’m still sitting here, stressed, worried, and desperately hoping that vomiting all of this out will help a little.

I know it will get better, but for tonight – I don’t think I can be the strong one. I’m not sure what to do, or if I can do anything, tomorrow will be better.

It has to be.

I’m the strong one, the one who takes care of others. People think we’re carved of stone – rock solid, unflinching, and resolute.

Today I’m not.but Tomorrow is another Day.

Regards,

 

Syn