This has been one of those weeks I wish would just end already. I just kinda need the spew out what I’ve been dealing with on a personal level because really I don’t have much of a support system locally (with the Leather family being 2 hours away and dealing with their own cluster fuck at the moment – I’m also worried about them and wishing I could help).
So lets start with the (semi) easy stuff.
Recently My other partner was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline personality disorder), in and of itself it answered many questions for me about her behavior – Struggling was a word I’d use lightly, however now that I know I can tailor my approach to TPE differently than I have been – No less strict, but perhaps attempt a different Tack when things go tits up. Learning to deal and accept/adjust my whole way of thinking to accommodate this has been…. Stressful.
Couple that with a night My little fae had where she hit a pretty hard low, I came home from work and she was VERY quiet – so I knew something was wrong immediately – So I patiently waited for her to talk to me. she instead pointed me towards a journal entry she will likely never post. I won’t go into detail as some of the content it beyond personal, but let me just say – it broke my heart to read that she was having these thoughts – I understand a lot of them, because I have quite a few of them as well, however there were a few that were not exactly foreign to me, more a polar opposite of what I think about myself, neither flattering. I spent some time just being there for her being re-assuring and as comforting as I could be. She was much better before she had to go to work, but still a little low.
Then the tri-fecta – this was what pushed me over, and snowballed a few things today.
I got a text from my father who is out of town on business .
Now let me Preface this part with: my mom, and her health – it’s never been great, she has Lupus and Fibromyalgia, on top of arterial degenerative disease, extremely high blood pressure and a fucking stubborn streak a goddamn mile wide. She drinks at least 1 vodka and seven-up a day(which leads to gout attacks) , smokes half a pack of cigarettes (despite my working in a vape shop and getting her one[which she doesn’t use]), and just recently (at the age of 72) fell and tore most of the ligaments in her ankle – thus she can’t walk. So all in all, she’s a fucking mess….
So the text – basically said – When he gets back he’s going to take mom to a bunch of specialists, and hopefully they can do something for her, because if they can’t she is going to have to go to a personal care home. My family has a HORRIBLE fucking track record with those places…. it is basically Palliative care, and within a year (two at the most in my grandmothers case, because she was stubborn as a motherfucker) we are collecting their personal effects.
SO needless to say I was a goddamn wreck at work today…. all I wanted was to put my head down, and Plod through the day as fast as possible. My manager (who I’ve been with at work since she was hired) asked me what was wrong I told her about mom…. and her response is – I’m sorryt about your mom, but try and look on the bright side – it IS palliative care but they’re trained to deal with that sort of thing.
Well now – it basically took everything I had to not tell that cunt to go fuck herself with a cheese grater and lemon juice. I did, in a way…..but it lacked some impact, as the didn’t actually reference the word cunt, cheese grater or masturbation.
So, for the rest of the night I lived in my head, poking out enough to make the usual smile, greeting and sale/set up for clients, along with putting away some new product and labeling others. When you do that you get a lot of time to think.
So I did.
Really, everything came stampeding at me all at once, and I started hitting a low, and I mean very low….my body issues, every bad choice, ALL the absolutely epically dumb things I’ve said to people (women, friends, and family) just decided to swim in my head for a while.
I’m still sitting here, stressed, worried, and desperately hoping that vomiting all of this out will help a little.
I know it will get better, but for tonight – I don’t think I can be the strong one. I’m not sure what to do, or if I can do anything, tomorrow will be better.
It has to be.
I’m the strong one, the one who takes care of others. People think we’re carved of stone – rock solid, unflinching, and resolute.
Today I’m not.but Tomorrow is another Day.