Sadly my computer has met with an untimely death, so for a while I have to go back to vlogging…
Recently I was thinking about some things in relation to the lifestyle and how things differ from vanilla dating, which of course led me to thinking about certain things that seem to be headed the way of the vanilla. One in particular stood out to me, and I think I’m going to take a moment and dive into it a little further.
Why is it, when you hear Masters talk about the old days a large portion of that was slaves/submissives approaching the Master to petition service, and yet today that seems almost nonexistent?
Don’t get me wrong I understand that evolution will happen, but extinction of a practice that makes so much sense in the last years seems odd to me. Especially in a Power Exchange context.
I suppose the technosexual era we appear to be living in is at least partially to blame. Look at vanilla dating, more and more websites are the way to go to find a potential partner. Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, even Adult Friend Finder; Swipe, click and cycle through multiple potential dates in seconds. Aesthetics and shallow “about me’s” are the signposts people use to streamline and (in my opinion) cheapen the getting know you process.
I am starting to see this more and more in the Power Exchange circles as well, I see and hear multiple cries of “fake dom!”, “pseudo-sub!”, etc. So my question is this: Why, in something as important as finding a permanent D-type, are submissives complacent in actively “shopping” themselves around?
Think of finding a potential Master like applying for a job, you find a company you want to work for, so you do your research, tailor your resume, approach the company with your resume, and then (hopefully) Have an interview to assess compatibility, both for you as a perspective employee, and they, as a potential employer.
This is the essence of the petition – Lets use myself as an example. I am a Master (in that I own a slave), Very well versed in rough body play, mind fucks, and have a disciplinarian approach to power exchange. I own a slave already who has multiple years in the lifestyle, is more than adept at domestic duties, all forms of service, and boot blacking. All of these things are discernible from our profiles on Fetlife and WordPress blogs. So, you see something that you wish to learn, be a part of, or are interested for other reasons. Do you have an inventory of BDSM and life related skills? Yes? Good!
At this point it’s on you to make you intentions known that you wish to petition, generally with goals for the relationship in mind. I can offer x,y,z skills to the house/relationship in turn for learning x,y,z skills from you. Sex? negotiated. S&M play? negotiated. S-type Role? Negotiated. Have what amounts to an interview to assess compatibility on both sides of the equation, and then the consideration phase could begin.
Now I know right now, out there someone, or multiple someones, are reading this and thinking “What the fuck? that’s too much work! You’re a self important douchecanoe.” So I ask you this simple question – Do you value yourself, your skills, and want what you have to offer be the focus of a relationship, rather than having (or being) arm candy and a quick rough fuck? (which are completely fucking awesome too, if that’s the basis of the arrangement). I hear so many people bitching and pissing and moaning that they have more to offer a partner than just nice tits, or a big cock. Well petitioning can PROVE it. Prove you wish to learn, improve, and work on goals as part of a relationship.
In the process some very hot S&M, Sex, and general debauchery is bound to happen. It’s not always the job of the D-type to find you, be proactive and go find what YOU want, because you know better than anyone else what you have to offer and what you want out of a potential Master. If you wait for them to find you, you’re liable to have a string of ill fitting D-types (read: Fake), or be able to weed them out before wasting your time, and vice-versa.
Just some thoughts.
As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have a very eclectic taste in movies, my top 5 are all over the map. I do want to talk about one in particular. However, the list has an overriding theme that I think will become clear if you are familiar with them.
Now if you know all the movies on my list, you get major cinephile cred with me. That said, I am sure more than a few of you had to click the link for Defending Your Life. It’s major draw in the 90’s was (and would be today) that Meryl Streep was in it. Truth be told this is one of the few movies with her in it I can stomach (and maybe Julie and Julia). That’s neither here nor there, however. Have you figured out the one thread that ties this movie to the others on my list?
They are all about confronting fear or dealing with it.
Albert Brooks wrote this movie and the end premise is about conquering fear and how many times you are fearless quantifying if you are ready to move on to the hereafter.
So what does this have to do with either my journey, or BDSM, or both?
Bear with me, I want to tell you a little story about myself first – we’ll get there, I promise.
When I was in high school, not many people knew, but I LOVED sports – and a few would have agreed I was really good at quite a few of them. I never played on high school teams though.
One afternoon when I was 16 or 17 (grade 11) a bunch of us had a free period and would go fuck around in the gym. Well rather than just shooting hoops by myself, as I did ALL the time at home, and during some free periods, there was a volleyball net set up. You see, my school had one of the best Highschool AAA volleyball teams in the country (for both boys and girls). In my high school, volleyball players were treated with the same reverence some high schools treat their basketball and football players. Well, I couldn’t shoot hoops, but one of the girls I had known since primary school invited me to fill the 6th position on their team, I am sure the rest of the varsity team was salivating at the prospect of spiking a ball directly into my face. You see on a good day back then I was 5’9 and 180 Lbs – Short and built like a beer keg – great for the martial arts I was involved in, not so good for vertical lift.
So, the game begins and I try as hard as I can, I’m diving for digs, and receiving in the back row fairly well. I Always try as hard as I can, no matter what I’m doing. Suddenly it’s my turn in the front row, now for those who are not familiar the front row is responsible for attacking – Spikes, and blocking spikes – Oh shit. Truth be told I did better than OK, and the Short beer keg looking bastard that I was even managed to get high enough to Spike the ball with a reasonable downward arc.
When we were done and just sitting back on the bleachers waiting for the bell, I had 3 members of the boys and girls varsity teams ask me why I never tried out – in their estimation, I would have made the cut. I never did answer them with more than a smile and a shrug. But I knew the answer clanging around in my head all too well.
I was Scared of Fucking up and being laughed at and ridiculed.
I have no real defense, other than to explain that I was raised that way – my parents were both scared of me getting hurt, or worse if I ever played sports or did anything physical. Even the martial arts I was involved in, I kept MUCH of the physicality of the sparring to myself so that they wouldn’t “convince” me to stop going.
Now that all of that is at least 20+ years behind me, I look back on it and laugh at what a poor mindset that was. I look at my mom who I love dearly and see all the irrational (to me) things she still harbors fear about, I don’t want to end up like that – however it is hard to undo YEARS of growing up with that, much like deprogramming people who are no longer catholic, but will still answer “and also with you” when they hear “may the lord be with you”.
With BDSM, and power exchange, We are all living outside of the norm – most of society would Squirm if they ever witnessed a scene between a sadist and masochist in real time. I remember an incident on fetlife with a face slapping video: someone watched it and because people fear that which is unknown or foreign to them this man threatened to call the police on them for domestic violence. Fear is everywhere, and it can be destructive to not only yourself but others too if you let it leak out.
Many facets of personal growth in the lifestyle can boil down to conquering fears – that is why it’s so important to have a slave or s-type that encourages growth, along with the Master doing the same for the slave. As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears,
As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears, and truth be told we do, but not as firm a grip as most think. Masters can have fear too – I choose to address mine in many ways, writing here, talking with my little fae, and seeking advice and opinions from people we are close to, and respect.
I’ve made a conscious decision to meet my fears as head on as possible and deal with them if at all possible. I do still have a few that I struggle with daily (and sometimes less frequently) but I will get there eventually – it’s a marathon, not a race.
“Bob Diamond: They can make a mistake. You shouldn’t let others get to you like this. Just follow what’s in here.
[points to his heart]
Daniel Miller: [Daniel nods in agreement]
Bob Diamond: Don’t worry, and don’t kick yourself forever. Just take the opportunities when they come.” – Rip Torn as Bob Diamond, and Albert Brooks as Daniel Miller in Defending Your Life.
I will follow what I want in my heart, and deal with my fears – quite possibly the most imporant thing I can do as a Man, a Master, and someone trapped on this floating rock for a finite period of time.
Most days I am beyond amazed that a woman like My little fae not only agreed to, but throws herself into her life with me. I’m not the easiest person to serve, and I know this – I can be demanding, harsh and sometimes I am overcome with my own past rearing it’s ugly head.
Skeletons are a motherfucker to deal with some days.
Other times I wish I could do more, be more, accelerate my personal growth in area’s I lack. I understand it’s a slow process, I also understand that I should take things at a mediated pace so that I don’t fall back into old patterns and archaic (to me) thoughts.
With a kinky event coming up, I am reminded of two things: One, My little fae is all I need.
Two: although I wish I (we) could find us another partner to share the fun, love, and general tomfuckery that is our lives, it happens when you least expect it…. I should feel blessed that at least someone we had been talking to, while interested, is not currently in a place she feels comfortable to commit to anything.
Our love life is amazing, and we are together – but the thought in my head to be more, do more is always there… like a persistent itch I can’t get rid of. dot has assured me she is happy – but I always feel as though I should do more to show her that I appreciate her service, love, devotion, and council.
Random thoughts, and scattered sentences… but I needed to write them out…. not bad for ten minutes at work, sadly solving and deciphering the mess that is my head will take longer.
I have to admit sometimes it’s difficult for me to reconcile my reality with what my brain is telling me.
My little fae and I have settled into a bit of a routine, Life has been busy lately. Little time to play, but our TPE is still strong.
I love all the time we’ve been getting together, but I do miss playing – I was/am more comfortable with my sadistic side, however in becoming so, I find I miss our sessions…. They seem to only happen when we travel to the other city for events, and even then Co-topping is what usually occurs.
Here is where the disconnect happens.
I’m at a loss for how to make things happen more organically – between work, kids visiting more than periodically, the need for sleep for both of us on off(ish) hours than the other, and the fact that I prefer play to be unplanned, leads to a difficult time making it happen.
Couple all of that, with the issues I’ve had accepting my Sadism in the past and my logical brain is wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
I don’t know why these words fell out of my head, or what if anything the solution is, however here it is.
I plan to write more, as work now allows for it, but just a quick entry to let you know I’m still alive and moving somewhat.
There are certain things that I think about, quite a bit. Especially in terms of Power exchange, Chief among those is self care and mental well-being of my slave and any other s-type I am currently involved with or protecting.
Sure physicality is a big part of everything, and it’s fun, cathartic, leaves some pretty spectacular reminders for a while, and is the primary focus of many a BDSM relationship.
That’s not where Power exchange REALLY shines.
As a Master there are other things that create and encompass the power exchange. Recently my slave has been in one of her “lows” it becomes difficult for her to summon the will to function within a normal headspace. Things like dragging ass at work, reluctance to get out of bed, low self image, and a constant need for reassurance that I do infact love her and she is worthy of it. There is more but I think you get the gist.
There are however things you can do.
So in a normal non power exchange relationship as well as a power exchange the most important thing you can do is identify what you’re dealing with, as my slave is rather private about her struggles I will leave her illness as hers to tell – however if you put 2 and 2 together from here, as well as entries on her blog you get a fairly clear picture.
So after diagnosis (professional help is important here), In addition to therapy and medication (if applicable), what can we as Masters/Dominants do ?
Largely the onus is on the slave to follow through with Masters orders – For me, the primary is for my slave to take care of my possessions to the best of her ability, and most cherished of those is she, herself. So the slave should learn what she can about her illness, coping strategies, properly adhering to medication schedules, and other forms of self care during issues. Even the slave recognizing the onset of a low, or other issues can go a long way in offsetting potential damage.
So what do I do when my slave hits a low ?
Well, I will admit I am not as rigid in the power exchange as I would be when she is at 100% – this is not to say the power exchange disappears, however I may do a bit extra to reassure her that everything is OK, and that I still love and value her and her service. Ensuring to remind her to eat, shower (the power of hot water is not to be underestimated), basics that might otherwise go neglected.
That said, I have been known to call her out on behavior that leans towards her lows, and knowing her well enough to push the issue when I have to. Structure is important to people with mental health issues, and not straying too far from routine can go a long way in dealing with/shortening episodes.
Now I should add that these particular coping methods are how I and my slave deal with mental illness in OUR dynamic.
That said something you should keep in mind is that dealing with mental illness can be incredibly stressful for the Master as well, and after an episode passes, I highly advise doing something FOR YOURSELF to depressurize, refocus and recharge, so that the power exchange can continue with as little disruption as possible. It can be just as draining for the Master as it can be for the slave, and as I mentioned, staying as close to routine or normal as you possibly can is in my opinion the best thing you can do for both parties.
In the end making sure that the Master keeps the slave accountable for their actions, because mental illness is not excuse for a lapse in deference or service – there should be consequences to actions no matter the circumstances. Educate yourself on the illness in question – BOTH of you. It is an excellent opportunity for essays, formulating coping mechanisms, and strategy. Read blogs of people who have the same illness, medical journals, documentaries, learn voraciously, because knowledge is power.
In the end both parties need to work at maintenance, and do so together, which, is the key to success in any sort of authority exchange (if not vanilla) relationship.
***These are my thoughts and my experiences alone, your results, methods and experiences will likely be different but I do hope at the very least I may have given some insight and perhaps a starting point for other dynamics who find themselves in the same boat that we are in.***
I recently decided to bring back an old tradition very few seem to practice anymore, and I’m not sure why more don’t.
In a power exchange relationship or at least the more traditional D/s or M/s dynamics there used to be a period of consideration which may or may not include a collaring. For myself it did not include a collar – for me a collar is a VERY special recognition of my belief that you will fit well into the lives of not only Myself, but my slave as well.
So what IS consideration?
To me (and from much that I have read) it is a period where an S-type requests to be considered for a permanent position (and collar) with a dominant. Now I would think that a slave or submissive would also want to check out the dominant. Think of this consideration phase like a test drive or (if you’re old enough) going steady. The submissive would be given rules to adhere to ([different or less than] the rules she would have as a fully collared S-type within the Master’s house). It allows the Master to evaluate the submissive – and see if the fit would work within his house, as well as setting up a rough plan for how to improve upon, and integrate her skills to fit his needs.
In the reverse, it is also a chance for the S-type to check out how the Master does things, and see if he would be a good fit for her goals as well. After all – a babygirl would have one hell of a time with a disciplinarian focused dominant and would not flourish, which if they’re both astute, they should realize quickly. It is also a chance for the submissive to prove to the Master she could also settle into a pecking order with other S-types and blend into service with them with as little disruption as possible.
For these reasons alone I think it is more than worth waiting to collar an S-type. How many times in vanilla life (or other kinky dating) did you get through a month or two of dating and realize you were completely incompatible ? Probably made it difficult (or at least awkward) to break it off I’d assume?
If both parties go in KNOWING that this is the equivalent of a test drive, then there should be less hard feelings should one party decide the arrangement won’t be for them.
Now the consideration phase should still include things like first meetings, safe calls, and negotiation without any power imbalance. Setting guidelines amicable to both is paramount so that the consideration phase can have as high as possible of a chance of succeeding.
Most will also Adhere to this being a time when the S-type is essentially “off-limits” to other Dominants, as they are considering moving into a heavier commitment with the Dominant who is considering them. Some also impose a set period of time for the consideration phase, with renegotiation able to happen at the end of that period. Renegotiation could either be another consideration phase, or moving into a training collar.
To some this may seem antiquated or like “too much work” – however to me, and at this point in my life I have decided that it is neither. I have my slave, and I love her dearly, she proved, bled and earned her collar through service, hard work and PROVING she wished to give her all to me. Why should I accept less from a potential partner ? For one who truly wishes to join her and I on a journey, we will give her our all, so she should be prepared to pass the consideration period, and give as much as we will give in return.
Too many times I see “velcro” collars.
Oh you’re owned by so-and-so?
oh, that was last week ?
So you’re now owned by So-and-so?
Oh, that was yesterday ?
Today you’re owned by someone else?
This does not show me a true desire to submit, Defer and need anything but a fashion accessory around your neck for an ill percieved “status” symbol.
So why would I waste my time? I certainly wouldn’t waste yours.