I was a Virgin until I was 19.
Up to that point I didn’t even really know about masterbation, and the one time I tried I got caught by my mother which ended in a screaming fit from her about being “dirty” or somesuch, I don’t really remember.
My first real time having sex was unremarkable and unmemorable, and to be honest while I remember her(we dated for 2 or 3 years), and flashes of having sex, the first time in particular I don’t.
My third partner however, I won’t ever forget her, She was also my first blowjob sometime around the age of 22. The reason(s) I won’t ever forget her start with trauma and end with it too. The first time I came from oral sex I was unprepared, I didn’t know what to expect, and truthfully I didn’t warn her, because I didn’t know that was a thing. When I came, she immediately popped up and promptly spit my own cum back in my face, and proceeded to yell at me while rinsing with mouthwash, and, as she put it “get the filthy shit out”of her mouth.
That relationship was my “sexual awakening” I spent 5 years with her, and I was domestically abused, raped, and cheated on. Not to mention forced to sleep on my own couch without sex for close to 2 years before I finally managed to convince my family to come get me and bring me 4 hours to my home city.
During those 5 years, I was on my computer a lot when not working, and found Kink through websites like Wasteland, ICQ and Old message boards that have been long closed. The first time she ever caught me watching porn (kinky porn no less) she told each and every one of my friends I was a disgusting pervert who wanted to abuse her but lacked the balls so I had to jack off to disgusting porn instead of fucking her like a real man.
Once I got home, my pattern of picking sexually repressed and abusive partners continued, One couldn’t come from intercourse so used toys, and basically used me to facilitate a threesome between her and our female friend, where I was promptly completely ignored. I had one other partner during that time, and my rape at her hands resulted in the birth of my son, I was used as a sperm donor and shortly after we found out we were pregnant she went back to her Ex-bf who was unable to conceive.
I’m sharing all of this for a reason. It’s not pity, and it’s not for hope of some sort of epiphany – it’s to illustrate that once I was in a healthy, openly communicative and supportive relationship the shame took over, and still influences my life to a degree. I didn’t know how to talk to women (still don’t lol), and I damn sure didn’t know how to talk about the things I wanted to experience.
Sexual shame is a learned behavior, and not something men talk about a lot, nor the root causes. We tie far to much self worth into sexual performance, penis size and forget to just seek out experiences.
We enter this world for a multitude of reasons, Community, Sex, S&M, education, exploration, the list goes on. We always say solid communication and sharing is the key to making a kinky/authority transfer relationship work, but I say why stop there? Why can’t we have those tough conversations with other men and male identifying people? Why can’t we share those snippets of ourselves for information purposes?
In the end we need to start having these conversations so we can start living a sex positive existence, but doing so in a healthy, respectful and informative manner – We might just end up creating a space where BDSM, and alternative sexual expression is celebrated, rather than shunned.