Ego, Community, and Progress.

“Why is success so ephemeral? Ego shortens it.  Whether a collapse is dramatic or a slow erosion, it’s always possible and often unnecessary.  We stop learning, we stop listening, and we lose our grasp on what matters.  We become victims of ourselves and the competition.  Sobriety, open-mindedness, organization, and purpose – these are the great stabilizers.  They balance out the ego and pride that comes with achievement and recognition.” – Ryan Holliday – Ego is the Enemy

It seems as of late many levels of the BDSM community has had issues with a multitude of things: consent violations, predatory behavior, divisiveness, and hero worship. I don’t profess to have the answers to all of it, but I do truly believe that most things can be attributed to ego.

Ego breeds divisiveness, the belief that so-and-so is better than others, that somehow their knowledge or past deeds affords them the ability to remain above or separate from both the community on a whole and consequences of their actions (or inactions). The belief that one group is more deserving of loyalty over another, based on an imagined (and often unseeable) line in the sand. The inability to constructively criticise or not attend an event for personal reasons without being ostracised. It all leads back to community divisiveness and a less safe environment for all.  We fail to discuss predatory behavior, or consent violators, or toxic people because we somehow believe that these discussions are drama.

“Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.” — Marcus Aurelius

Ego is something I have struggled with over the years. In turn, it led me down a path of divisiveness, rather than learning, and comfort rather than progress. I’ve learned that if someone has an honest opinion of you that you disagree with rather than being hurt and taking the path of divisionism find what can be improved in yourself and move forward with unity in mind.

Now, that is not to say that if a person is a repeat offender/predator/unwilling to learn – that you should go out of the way to be inclusive. On a whole, a unified community would police itself much easier, rather than these individuals hiding in the “camps” of a divided community, because communication and shared goals have broken down.

I’ll be honest there have been times rather than “rock the boat” I’ve kept quiet due to politics, I’ve since realized that while tact and neutrality are important, I will always be pigeonholed into having chosen a side, whether I personally believe I am neutral or not. Do I attend every event? no, is it because of people? sometimes honestly it is. Other times, I dislike the venue, venue staff, offered learning experiences, etc. The problem with this being that ego can lead people to believe it’s an “us against them choice”.

“The problem is politics is made a sport, almost as much a sport as football or baseball. When it comes to politics, adults and politicians do more finger-pointing and play more games than children ever do. Too often are we rooting for the pride of a team rather than the good of the nation.” — Criss Jami, Healology

Thriving communities have one thing in common, and that is that the people who are involved in it are looking out for each other and the well being of the collective – there will always be dissenting ideas, but no voice should be too small to be heard, if not listened to. It should not be about political clout, it should be about moving toward the same destination if not in harmony, at least without sabotaging one another as well as some level of civility.

Just a few thoughts,

 

Syn

Advertisements

Hypocrisy and Realism.

 

Bear with me, I am about to get a bit ranty.

A Long while ago I wrote about over-romanticizing the lifestyle and setting yourself up for failure. I think it’s high time I revisited that.

Now before I start, I’d like to point out two things.

I am Liable to piss off a lot of people with this post, and that’s ok – if it pisses you off, you likely needed to hear it.

I am by no means referencing erotica, or fictional writings with this post. That’s a completely different animal.

Now I may be completely off base, or maybe it’s just me, however, I don’t see submission or dominance as any sort of “gift”. What power exchange is at its core is a form of symbiosis. Both of you working in concert to build the life, relationship and sexual experience you want. At the end of the day, the Master makes the final decisions on what is and isn’t acceptable within the bounds of the negotiated limits, yes, the slave can say no but that will 99% of the time end the relationship as it exists.  In my case, you can say no, but there better be a damn good reason, and if there isn’t you better do as you’re told.

Time and time again I see writings from other D-types that are pandering and catering to a completely unrealistic view of the lifestyle, mostly for likes on FetLife. They make it appears you will find a d-type or s-type and suddenly you become otherworldly and hold the secrets of pure power exchange in the palm of your hand. Suddenly with the proliferation of the internet, ANYONE can seem like an authority, and precious few people call them on their bullshit. Even me, you read the writings I post, and assume I know what I’m talking about, but do I have the experience my words carry? I encourage you to ask – I have a long-term slave, I have friends that can vouch for me, and at the end of the day I try to pass on what I’ve learned to those that have EARNED the knowledge. When I repeatedly say I am an expert at impact play, ASK people who have seen me play (or played with me) if that’s the truth. DO NOT blindly assume I am an authority because I write well, or post pretty pictures that make you weak in the loins.

I read something the other day that blew my goddamn mind. Regarding a threesome, the D-type in question said that it wasn’t about him, it was a “special gift” for his girl. BULLSHIT. If you receive even a bit of compersion from the joy of your partner, it IS about you in a small way – but let’s be honest here: I’ve seen countless posts on how ALL men want to get their dicks wet, and that’s all they want. Barring that, how many times have you seen a meme, or another post about sex being the primary driving factor for men, and even some women? you can’t have it both ways and applaud one person for their altruism while condemning another for being honest that a threesome will be fucking hot and that’s what they are focusing on. I want a cuckquean experience with a cute lady and my girl – why? because I’m fucking horny, and I like sex…. does that diminish my power exchange or the reality of it? No – but I won’t pander to the masses and tell you a cuckquean relationship will be a “special gift” for my slave. We both want it because we like sex, and we’re sluts. If a full-on relationship with the cuckcake happens, that’s awesome too, another person for sexy-times, with or without a Power exchange. Please also bear in mind, I/we are looking for partners that aren’t a cuckquean dynamic either – which might or might not have a sexual component.

It’s interesting to me to say the least, that with my writing about separating myself from the social media herd, I had some advice from someone I respect and admire, telling me to just shoot a PM and get to know the individual that caught my eye, So I did. I didn’t come on like a creep, I referenced something non-sexual that caught my eye, and was polite and respectful (trust me, I had my girl read and approve the message). I was summarily dismissed without so much as a second sentence. I’ve had people I find attractive, basically tell me to my face, that I’m not attractive enough, or assertive enough, or any other host of things, Hell I’ve even had people (on both sides of the slash) tell me that if I wasn’t in the way, they’d try and seduce My girl. These same people sing the praises of some fictional internet persona (some of which I know) and claim that because of their pictures, or writing, they are somehow “understanding” something those of us with real, palpable experience do not.

All of the above are forms of hypocrisy I have encountered on a fairly regular basis, and it perpetuates an unhealthy environment, where more and more you have people developing unrealistic expectations of people, power exchange, and potential partners on a whole. Not every D-type is going to have a supreme grasp of power exchange or every technique BDSM has to offer. Not every S-type is going to be a supple and pliable mind, or body you can order around without working on bonding with them. Not all potential partners will be physical sex personified in a suit or leather dress. Be smart enough to recognize pandering and call out hypocrisy, both from yourself and others – don’t blindly become a fanboi/gurl.

Now that you’ve read this far, I imagine there’s a ton of folks foaming at the mouth, waiting to tell me I’m wrong, or misguided, or mad, or I’m pissed because my life sucks.

Sorry to tell you, for the most part, I love my life. Just like anyone, there are things I’d like to change (and I am working to do so), but I felt that so many say we never talk about difficult issues – it was about time I tackled a bit of the hypocrisy I see on a day to day basis. Feel free to disagree and educate me, but don’t be an asshole about it.

Regards,

 

Syn.

The Social Media Herd, How Do I Separate Myself?

My little fae and I have been talking the last few nights after she gets home from work, I mean we always talk, the last few nights, however, have tickled my brain and I wanted to talk about something that came out of my mouth in passing. We agreed it was something that might make a good topic of conversation or at least something that needed further examination.

So as I have mentioned, we live in a smaller town, which is why we travel to the bigger city for events etc. I always tend to perv our fair city’s members on Fetlife however – I’m a voyeur who likes learning about people after all. I do this also to look for potential partners and playmates closer to home. We have a severe shortage of people that come out to local events for whatever reason, and on a whole, we’re not overly “vanilla social”, local bars are crammed with alcoholics, fuckboys and girls, and trustees of modern chemistry. All things we’d rather avoid on principle.

So, there are a few women on Fetlife, locally that I(we) find attractive. I know, I know, physical appearance isn’t everything – however the lack of much on their profiles other than “I’m new and looking to experience” doesn’t give me much to go on. So I like their pictures and move on. I’d love to comment “I love your hips in this picture” or “beautiful smile”. I don’t though – for one reason – the fuck boys, my goddess the fuck boys, they pounce faster than a starving tiger…. two or three of them, all over pictures “nice tits”, “beautiful!”, etc, etc. From the gross to the insincere, and everything in between.

I’m not the type to just slide into Private messages, honestly, I’d prefer to just comment on a picture, and if they message me, have a conversation and see where it goes. I want my profile to spark interest, not my comments blending in with the other shit I’ve seen on every other profile from the same 3 or 4 people.

So how do I set myself apart? Express interest without blending in? Over text, I’m not the greatest at it, in person I’m OK – Conversation comes easily. However, as I mentioned in the post about technosexuals we seem to be in an age where your social media persona/PM game has to be strong. Truth be told I LOATHE social media because it negates the personal touch you get from talking in person.

I don’t honestly think my about me or pictures aren’t me – I have no cockshots, my write up (while a bit outdated) still represents a good portion of who I am, what I’m looking for and if you look hard enough there’s a link to my WordPress blog, which tells you all you need to know about me.

So in a kingdom of fuckboys, predators, and newbie pouncers – how do I proceed without looking like just another member of the social media herd?

Just some random musings.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

 

 

 

Do I need to Learn to be Obnoxious?

Just a random gripe I wanted to put into words.

 

I notice more and more “Dominants and Masters” (Note the Quotes) – seem to be becoming more full of themselves and obnoxious as time goes on, normally I would simply sigh, and let it pass. However, I also notice more and more people justifying their behavior, approach and lack of humility by not only encouraging BUT having these fucking people present on topics they are at best a beginner in.

Notably, one such individual was given an audience at an event where they proceeded to fumble through even rudimentary technique, and the touted as a local authority. I I quietly asked some questions of attendees, and have first-hand knowledge of the way they do things. I should point out that this particular topic is something I WILL consider myself a Master of, and I must say, I wouldn’t even consider them a novice in terms of skill.

This has further bolstered their ego and made them even more obnoxious than I previously thought. There was no humility in their acceptance of accolades, instead, the resulting interactions I have seen remind me more of high school jocks slapping each other on their back after they’ve shoved a nerd in a locker.

Perhaps this is how is needs to be done?

Maybe I am wrong in being quiet, somewhat demure, and remaining un-noticed?

Or maybe some “masters” should work more on keeping their raging ego in check and working more on improving their slave, rather than using “celebrity” to fuck anything that walks.

 

Sorry for the rant, but shit pisses me off.

 

Syn