Victim Support and Breaking Social Convention.

We talk a lot about predators and abusive/negative behaviors – how we should address them head on, how to support victims and how to deal with situations like this all the time. I often hear people touting the idea that we need to support victims of abuse, misgendering, racism and speak for those who do not (or cannot) defend themselves.

In Theory these are great ideas and sentiments and in a perfect world this is exactly what would happen too.

What I see more often than not is these people’s traumas and the events that caused them are used as a twisted form of social currency.

Before some people lose their shit, let me explain.

When I was raped many people chose not to believe my story, which, while horrible, isn’t relevant to where I’m going with this. What is Relevant is the people who “wanted” to believe me. I had ONE person who I confided in, they knew the whole truth because they made me feel that my anonymity would be protected, which I sorely needed at that time in my life. Now, when this person tried to warn others that my partner was abusive, a rapist, and frankly a shit human being, I sat and watched as people who were supposedly close to me make EVERY EXCUSE possible to not have to acknowledge that someone they know could possibly be these things.

I have been raped twice and sexually assaulted more times than I care to count, and the same bullshit keeps popping up even 15 to 20 years later. What this all boils down to is “I WANT to believe, but I don’t like the people the supposed victim trusted or associates with so I will instead tear down any form of warning I become aware of rather than swallowing my pride and ASKING.”

People wonder WHY we don’t call out a lot of predators, racists, and serial abusers – it boils down to something simple: fear.

When someone who is privy to information you are not comes forward regarding these despicable things, I am not saying to not think critically and question. I am not saying to blindly believe – that opens up the ability to weaponize being a fake victim. What I AM suggesting is that these people might not come forward themselves for a couple of reasons.

The reason I have seen most lately is that generally victims will find stronger people they trust to confide in. They feel safe that their anonymity will be protected by these trusted friends.

However, when you attack those people for spreading lies, crying wolf or otherwise publicly verbally attack them – how do you think the victim they are protecting feels? Safe to come forward? Safe to share? Safe to publicly denounce the behavior and the person(s) who turned them into victims?

All of this arbitrarily based on political and social disagreements between members of the community we all agree should be made safer.

How do you know they haven’t made a promise to not name the perpetrators? Instead we’ll cry “GOSSIP!” “DRAMA!” and all manner of other bullshit words which (inadvertent or not) creates an environment of victim shaming and fear. So they stay quiet, and the visible ones take the brunt of the vitriol, and the cycle starts again.

I will admit, I am not innocent in this either, I have done the exact thing I JUST wrote about, and didn’t even consider it abnormal, to me, it’s just the way things were. Which considering my own past, was a really shitty way of going about things simply because I wasn’t prepared to examine my own shitty behavior and thought processes.

What I am proposing we ALL consider, is the fact that warnings are just that – warnings, think critically, ask questions. HOWEVER do not fail to think critically or ask questions of people who are socially anathema to you. We don’t always have to be unified, but if people have the best interest of their respective communities at heart, then giving the benefit of the doubt costs nothing, and could potentially lead to victims feeling safer to share their stories at large, and come forward more readily.

Regards,

Syn.

Ego, Community, and Progress.

“Why is success so ephemeral? Ego shortens it.  Whether a collapse is dramatic or a slow erosion, it’s always possible and often unnecessary.  We stop learning, we stop listening, and we lose our grasp on what matters.  We become victims of ourselves and the competition.  Sobriety, open-mindedness, organization, and purpose – these are the great stabilizers.  They balance out the ego and pride that comes with achievement and recognition.” – Ryan Holliday – Ego is the Enemy

It seems as of late many levels of the BDSM community has had issues with a multitude of things: consent violations, predatory behavior, divisiveness, and hero worship. I don’t profess to have the answers to all of it, but I do truly believe that most things can be attributed to ego.

Ego breeds divisiveness, the belief that so-and-so is better than others, that somehow their knowledge or past deeds affords them the ability to remain above or separate from both the community on a whole and consequences of their actions (or inactions). The belief that one group is more deserving of loyalty over another, based on an imagined (and often unseeable) line in the sand. The inability to constructively criticise or not attend an event for personal reasons without being ostracised. It all leads back to community divisiveness and a less safe environment for all.  We fail to discuss predatory behavior, or consent violators, or toxic people because we somehow believe that these discussions are drama.

“Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.” — Marcus Aurelius

Ego is something I have struggled with over the years. In turn, it led me down a path of divisiveness, rather than learning, and comfort rather than progress. I’ve learned that if someone has an honest opinion of you that you disagree with rather than being hurt and taking the path of divisionism find what can be improved in yourself and move forward with unity in mind.

Now, that is not to say that if a person is a repeat offender/predator/unwilling to learn – that you should go out of the way to be inclusive. On a whole, a unified community would police itself much easier, rather than these individuals hiding in the “camps” of a divided community, because communication and shared goals have broken down.

I’ll be honest there have been times rather than “rock the boat” I’ve kept quiet due to politics, I’ve since realized that while tact and neutrality are important, I will always be pigeonholed into having chosen a side, whether I personally believe I am neutral or not. Do I attend every event? no, is it because of people? sometimes honestly it is. Other times, I dislike the venue, venue staff, offered learning experiences, etc. The problem with this being that ego can lead people to believe it’s an “us against them choice”.

“The problem is politics is made a sport, almost as much a sport as football or baseball. When it comes to politics, adults and politicians do more finger-pointing and play more games than children ever do. Too often are we rooting for the pride of a team rather than the good of the nation.” — Criss Jami, Healology

Thriving communities have one thing in common, and that is that the people who are involved in it are looking out for each other and the well being of the collective – there will always be dissenting ideas, but no voice should be too small to be heard, if not listened to. It should not be about political clout, it should be about moving toward the same destination if not in harmony, at least without sabotaging one another as well as some level of civility.

Just a few thoughts,

 

Syn

Escalation.

I keep wondering how best to get out the thoughts Running through my head, So I suppose I’ll just vomit them out, and hopefully it’ll end up making sense.

Sadism is a very personal thing…. it can be cathartic, Violent, Bloody and a hell of a lot of fun.

The Problem is – Lately I’ve been wanting to Explore it further, Do more – push limits. It’s very hard to hold back, knowing that my slave (also my masochist) Needs to be conditioned to take more – ease your partner into it, just like a warm up and cooldown to a play session. Remember: if you break your toys you can’t play with them anymore.

For catharsis on top of the sadistic streak I have, I used to go to the gym 5 days a week – something about lifting heavy shit and putting it back down again, and the associated endorphin rush. I miss it very very much – however proximity to a 24 hour gym, and the fact that Few gym’s here in town allow serious heavy power lifting, has made that an impossibility at present.

Anyway, back to the kink side of it.

I know as an M/s Couple that S&M in no way defines our relationship – instead it adds to it, and allows us to connect on another level over and above the Power Exchange front. TPE is how we live – S&M is how we play.

That said – I want to feel my belt connect with flesh I want to watch welts, bruises and blood well up as my arm gets tired. I want to watch blood flow knowing I caused it, I want to taste it, savor it. This is a thing now, but I want MORE.

I want the muffled screams around the gag, I want to feel the vibrations through my fist, flogger or whatever tool I am using, Some days I feel as thought I could continue until my hand goes numb.

I laugh at these things as they are happening, I want to taunt through the pain. I want to watch an orgasm dull the pain and allow me to take you higher. I want to get off on the sole thought that I am responsible for that pain and pleasure – I want a Slick robe of crimson to coat you, and when you can’t take anymore I want to fuck you until we’re both coated in blood and other fluids.

In the End I want to explore it all…. the Sadism, among other things, however as with anything the time must be right.

Hindsight, New Beginnings And My Absence

It’s probably going to be difficult at best to explain my extended absence from these pages – however I think I will simply write, and perhaps by the end, my reasons will become clear… I have missed writing, but had no clue how to say what I wanted or at certain points even what to say.

The past few months have been filled with both highs and lows, but I think since the High moments speak for themselves I will start with those.

The largest event of the past while is most definitely the news  of my little fae and I getting our first house together.  We took posesion at the start of last month and are as of now almost 100% moved in. combining two houses worth of stuff is time consuming and a cluster-fuck to say the least, but I am beyond happy  to have her with me ALL of the time now. She keeps asking if I’m happy and I don’t know if I can properly convey just how fucking over the moon I am to have her with me all the time.  That said – I should also point out that on top of combining houses, we’ve also introduced all of our cats, totaling 5 4 legged asshole feline overlords in the house now…. more on that as it develops (lol).

We also recently said goodbye to “The Ball” an event we attended in a neighboring city bi-monthly, it was a pansexual fetish event held in a bar and Canada’s longest running one at that. The Hotel/Bar where it was hosted was sold, and the organizers decided to hang it up rather than look for a new venue as they believe they accomplished what they set out to do when it was first started 20 years ago (and I can’t say I disagree with their logic). The reason I consider this a high point, is simply because the event itself was amazing – time with some friends we rarely see, and just a general sense of togetherness throughout everyone in attendance – even a contingent of local Leathermen showed up – which was amazing to see, since i indentify very closely with leather Ideals.  I’ll be sad to See the Ball go, but at the same time we still have MaST, and the possibility of a new event Stepping up to take its place.

So, on to “the” low.

Those of you that have read my last few entries may have noticed I have avoided mentioning my Hellcat.

That is because we haven’t been dating her for going on a month and a bit now.

I’ve made peace with it, I really have. I needed the time to process before i could write about it and truly make sure that was the case though.

So what happened ?

I’ll spare the direct details, but give you some of the highlights/Problems as I see it now (hindsight is always 20/20 – or so they tell me).

I’ll start with me.

I made a few assumptions (which based on the info I had at the time seemed reasonable) which ended up being problematic. Because of this I’ve learned that even if someone says “organically grown” TPE is what they desire – I need to make it a point to establish and negotiate expectations for the relationship, what they want, what I want, how we’re going to get there, and limits off the get go. I did not do this, and it bit me in the ass.

I also learned that I can handle rejection fairly well….

In the end, the Hellcat and I had a lengthy discussion regarding the end of the relationship and what went wrong, however I was given one piece of information that floored me – Apparently according to her, our part of the dynamic had “problems” from day 1. I was COMPLETELY unaware of this, as there was very little communication of any issues on her end towards me.

So after she was “done” with me – she wished to talk to My little fae (no doubt to try and explain her lack of contact to either of us for almost 2 weeks, basically since we moved her from her shared apartment to her solo one).

I know most of the details of this – but only one snippet is pertinent here: My little fae had to break up with -her- there was no intention of doing so on the hellcats part.

I’ll admit I was hurt pretty badly by it all, if you were paying attention to previous writings, my biggest poly triad fear was that the female partner we found would prefer my little fae – and that was indeed the case. Looking back on it, I just wish I had known sooner before I invested both my time and money into the hellcat to help start her on (what I considered) the proper path. I felt (and feel) well and goodly used.

I am proud of myself though – I handled it very well compared to previous break-ups so we’ll call that personal growth – the hellcat and I are still civil, and will occasional crack a joke at one another when we see each other at events. My little fae is still on her radar I think – but I know that there is nothing there on my little fae’s part. so we will see.

All in all it’s been a bastard of a few months – BUT I can tell you that My little fae and I intend to move forward in the poly arena together – I think I’ve proven that with a bit of work and some more careful consideration I CAN make poly work. The time I did have with both of them was amazing, and it made me happy, as well as my little fae – we just hope going forward we can find something more permanent.

Good to see you all, I WILL post more, I promise.

Syn

A Pirate’s Life for me ?

This has been one of those weeks I’d rather Put behind me, but it’s going to be in the forefront of my mind for the foreseeable Future.

lately I have been working an obscene amount of hours, 95 in the last two weeks, and would have been more, except for Friday night’s events.

Thursday, I felt as though I was getting an ear infection, so I went off to the walk-in clinic, got diagnosed, and started my medication.

Friday started normally – up, message my little fae, walk to work. On the walk my tongue started to tingle and go numb. I didn’t honestly notice it and thought it was just a mild reaction to the Penicillin.

The day continued on, and during a business meeting later on in the evening I had lost almost all the feeling in the left side of my face. I was not overly worried about it being a stroke as I still had grip strength in my hands, and my body temperature was about normal. Regardless, after our meeting around midnight, I asked my co-worker (or as we call her the work wife) to take me to the hospital, En-route I called my little fae who was at work and told her what was going on.

I registered at the front desk in Emergency and settled in.

Dot left work and was there in less than a half hour. in the intervening time, I had a Grip strength check, and 3 vials of blood drawn. I know there were trying to rule out a stroke. So after 3 or 4 hours I finally got to see the doc, and was officially Diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy. Needless to say I, and my little fae were very relieved.

So, thus far, I have gone 3 days with the symptoms, and I must say, it’s more of a piss off than anything… I have no depth perception, and have to drink my coffee through a straw, HOWEVER the endless supply of Pirate, Two-face (from batman) and Jim Ross related jokes are awesome.

So I have learned a few valuable lessons within my first few days.

1. Swish and Spit for brushing teeth, is best done in the shower.

2. Knife and fork to eat everything, and have a napkin handy.

3. If your Slave is always on the side you develop Bell’s Palsy on, she essentially becomes your peripheral vision, and can and will point out people you -should- say hi to when they enter a room.

4. Stairs require depth perception, it’s ok to laugh when you miss one, and your slave needs to Go up them first.

5. Vaping is easy, blowing rings is impossible.

6. taping your eye shut in the mornings can be frustrating – having your other half do it, removes some of this.

7. a sense of humor goes a long way.

8. the patience others show you, in not looking away or staring, tells you a lot about them.

9. My little fae, is amazingly kind, patient and again has proven just how incredible she is… ❤

 

Regards,

 

 

Syn

Public Play – Do I trust you enough ?

In about two weeks time there is an event coming up that I am greatly looking forward to, it’s a weekend long “kinky camping” and workshop event, 3+ days of education, lifestyle related fun and scenes involving all manner of kinksters.

 This particular event brings to light a few new things for me to experience, I have never been to an event where public play is encouraged, and if not encouraged, at the very least a normal part.

We have two very close friends who have recently expressed an interest in how we play, and I should quantify that we trust them enough to play in front of them, and I know that they want us to enjoy this event as much as they did their first go ’round last year. Part of their experience was something they refer to as one of their best scenes ever, and I truly do thank them for in their way trying to ensure we have as positive an experience as they did. 

That said, there are a few reasons both my little fae and I (may) have a hard time with public scene’s and the rest of this writing will be my half of why I may have issues playing in public, which is largely because of the way we play. 

I/we do not plan play, it is as organic as our TPE, one night we might not play at all, and the next just vanilla sex, with a night on the weekend of one of the most intense sessions we’ve had in a while. 

Most of our play sessions begin with an act of submission from Dot, for example the question “Are you ready to serve, my little fae?” is my unspoken order for her to take off her clothes, prepare the bed to my specifications, and put on her training collar, Cuffs and return to me Kneeling in the position and manner we have practiced. I then have the ability to direct her to where ever I want our “scene” to take place. 

On top of S&M being a large part of our Play, we also incorporate humiliation – I have no problem taunting and mocking Dot while she is stuck in a conundrum I have presented – laughing at her when she must decide to squirt, or hold her orgasm when there is Tiger Balm on her Clit and nipples, with the hitachi buzzing away, calling her my slut, my whore and laughing all the while. We incorporate a LOT of mental emotional and physical S&M.

This was a very very simple example, but I think it illustrates a very important aspect of us both, I love my little fae, and she loves me, But I can be a mean motherfucker and she likes that about me. I may break her, and enjoy it, but the true joy is putting her back together again when we’re done.

 As a Strong pair of personalities, We both have issue with displaying vulnerability to people, and we’d have to trust the people watching a  full out scene of ours immensely. The two I mentioned earlier, we do trust, along with a few others we have met. However, there are others in the community that, while we trust them, not to the extent required. 

What about not putting it all out there though, and just showcasing an activity ? for educational purposes we could….but it is just that, in order for pleasure in our back and forth, we need aspects of EVERYTHING we do. Detachment mentally for her and I is not a possibility, we are so in tune with each other it’s scary some days.

Hopefully this has given some insight on the way we play, and why a small play party with trusted people will be a better arena for my first ever public scene, rather than a large event. We’re not ruling it out if it happens organically, but neither are we definitively planning to play in public.

So, Public scene’s: Awesome, or not ? Do you/have you and your partner ever done so, and what did you think ?

 

Regards,

 

Syn 

BDSM and Anxiety

Anxiety.

A few people in my Fetlife circles have been talking about it lately, and being the flip side of the coin in a paring that deals with anxiety, I thought I should weigh in on BDSM and anxiety.

For myself, I have a mild form of social anxiety…but one that largely doesn’t effect me, I get very nervous meeting new people, but for the most part I can deal with it and doesn’t effect my day to day life. The introvert in me just needs time to recharge after.

Dot, however suffers from a more severe form. She has issues meeting people, and experiencing new social situations. We do however use our D/s relationship to our advantage in this situation.

We address her anxiety through the use of ritual and protocol, structure and ritual by nature breeds familiarity. Most people who suffer from anxiety fear change or deviation from the familiar, so as a couple if we can incorporate protocols and ritual we can take with us, then a dose of the familiar is not far behind, and it will ease her anxiety.

As an example, part of our protocols we use in day to day life, is that Dot is always to be on my left. Rarely does she stay on my right unless there are circumstances beyond our control. When we enter a new social situation Dot will always know I will be within reach of her to her right. We combine this with other protocols depending on both the situation/event and how bad her anxiety is likely to be. As far as ritual, we largely don’t have publicly obvious ritual – where a Master/slave dynamic may require the slave to present her Masters coffee with a small ritual, we may incorporate something more subtle: when we enter a new room and remove our shoes Dot will ensure they are lined up and pointing north to south. I should point out this particular ritual is something Dot did prior to us meeting, but I have embraced it as another ritual for Dot to feel more comfortable because she can control this part of the environment.

All in all anxiety can be a crippling issue if you let it, but if you work at it properly and use D/s and BDSM as a tool, then you can enhance and ease a delicate situation that can both effect you and your partner. D/s life, Vanilla it doesn’t matter – small rituals, protocols, and things that will make anxiety easier to manage are important.

So, do any of you, or your partners suffer from anxiety ? and if so, do you use anything from your BDSM toolbox to help ease it ?

Regards,

 

Syn