Ego, Community, and Progress.

“Why is success so ephemeral? Ego shortens it.  Whether a collapse is dramatic or a slow erosion, it’s always possible and often unnecessary.  We stop learning, we stop listening, and we lose our grasp on what matters.  We become victims of ourselves and the competition.  Sobriety, open-mindedness, organization, and purpose – these are the great stabilizers.  They balance out the ego and pride that comes with achievement and recognition.” – Ryan Holliday – Ego is the Enemy

It seems as of late many levels of the BDSM community has had issues with a multitude of things: consent violations, predatory behavior, divisiveness, and hero worship. I don’t profess to have the answers to all of it, but I do truly believe that most things can be attributed to ego.

Ego breeds divisiveness, the belief that so-and-so is better than others, that somehow their knowledge or past deeds affords them the ability to remain above or separate from both the community on a whole and consequences of their actions (or inactions). The belief that one group is more deserving of loyalty over another, based on an imagined (and often unseeable) line in the sand. The inability to constructively criticise or not attend an event for personal reasons without being ostracised. It all leads back to community divisiveness and a less safe environment for all.  We fail to discuss predatory behavior, or consent violators, or toxic people because we somehow believe that these discussions are drama.

“Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.” — Marcus Aurelius

Ego is something I have struggled with over the years. In turn, it led me down a path of divisiveness, rather than learning, and comfort rather than progress. I’ve learned that if someone has an honest opinion of you that you disagree with rather than being hurt and taking the path of divisionism find what can be improved in yourself and move forward with unity in mind.

Now, that is not to say that if a person is a repeat offender/predator/unwilling to learn – that you should go out of the way to be inclusive. On a whole, a unified community would police itself much easier, rather than these individuals hiding in the “camps” of a divided community, because communication and shared goals have broken down.

I’ll be honest there have been times rather than “rock the boat” I’ve kept quiet due to politics, I’ve since realized that while tact and neutrality are important, I will always be pigeonholed into having chosen a side, whether I personally believe I am neutral or not. Do I attend every event? no, is it because of people? sometimes honestly it is. Other times, I dislike the venue, venue staff, offered learning experiences, etc. The problem with this being that ego can lead people to believe it’s an “us against them choice”.

“The problem is politics is made a sport, almost as much a sport as football or baseball. When it comes to politics, adults and politicians do more finger-pointing and play more games than children ever do. Too often are we rooting for the pride of a team rather than the good of the nation.” — Criss Jami, Healology

Thriving communities have one thing in common, and that is that the people who are involved in it are looking out for each other and the well being of the collective – there will always be dissenting ideas, but no voice should be too small to be heard, if not listened to. It should not be about political clout, it should be about moving toward the same destination if not in harmony, at least without sabotaging one another as well as some level of civility.

Just a few thoughts,

 

Syn

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Escalation.

I keep wondering how best to get out the thoughts Running through my head, So I suppose I’ll just vomit them out, and hopefully it’ll end up making sense.

Sadism is a very personal thing…. it can be cathartic, Violent, Bloody and a hell of a lot of fun.

The Problem is – Lately I’ve been wanting to Explore it further, Do more – push limits. It’s very hard to hold back, knowing that my slave (also my masochist) Needs to be conditioned to take more – ease your partner into it, just like a warm up and cooldown to a play session. Remember: if you break your toys you can’t play with them anymore.

For catharsis on top of the sadistic streak I have, I used to go to the gym 5 days a week – something about lifting heavy shit and putting it back down again, and the associated endorphin rush. I miss it very very much – however proximity to a 24 hour gym, and the fact that Few gym’s here in town allow serious heavy power lifting, has made that an impossibility at present.

Anyway, back to the kink side of it.

I know as an M/s Couple that S&M in no way defines our relationship – instead it adds to it, and allows us to connect on another level over and above the Power Exchange front. TPE is how we live – S&M is how we play.

That said – I want to feel my belt connect with flesh I want to watch welts, bruises and blood well up as my arm gets tired. I want to watch blood flow knowing I caused it, I want to taste it, savor it. This is a thing now, but I want MORE.

I want the muffled screams around the gag, I want to feel the vibrations through my fist, flogger or whatever tool I am using, Some days I feel as thought I could continue until my hand goes numb.

I laugh at these things as they are happening, I want to taunt through the pain. I want to watch an orgasm dull the pain and allow me to take you higher. I want to get off on the sole thought that I am responsible for that pain and pleasure – I want a Slick robe of crimson to coat you, and when you can’t take anymore I want to fuck you until we’re both coated in blood and other fluids.

In the End I want to explore it all…. the Sadism, among other things, however as with anything the time must be right.

Hindsight, New Beginnings And My Absence

It’s probably going to be difficult at best to explain my extended absence from these pages – however I think I will simply write, and perhaps by the end, my reasons will become clear… I have missed writing, but had no clue how to say what I wanted or at certain points even what to say.

The past few months have been filled with both highs and lows, but I think since the High moments speak for themselves I will start with those.

The largest event of the past while is most definitely the news  of my little fae and I getting our first house together.  We took posesion at the start of last month and are as of now almost 100% moved in. combining two houses worth of stuff is time consuming and a cluster-fuck to say the least, but I am beyond happy  to have her with me ALL of the time now. She keeps asking if I’m happy and I don’t know if I can properly convey just how fucking over the moon I am to have her with me all the time.  That said – I should also point out that on top of combining houses, we’ve also introduced all of our cats, totaling 5 4 legged asshole feline overlords in the house now…. more on that as it develops (lol).

We also recently said goodbye to “The Ball” an event we attended in a neighboring city bi-monthly, it was a pansexual fetish event held in a bar and Canada’s longest running one at that. The Hotel/Bar where it was hosted was sold, and the organizers decided to hang it up rather than look for a new venue as they believe they accomplished what they set out to do when it was first started 20 years ago (and I can’t say I disagree with their logic). The reason I consider this a high point, is simply because the event itself was amazing – time with some friends we rarely see, and just a general sense of togetherness throughout everyone in attendance – even a contingent of local Leathermen showed up – which was amazing to see, since i indentify very closely with leather Ideals.  I’ll be sad to See the Ball go, but at the same time we still have MaST, and the possibility of a new event Stepping up to take its place.

So, on to “the” low.

Those of you that have read my last few entries may have noticed I have avoided mentioning my Hellcat.

That is because we haven’t been dating her for going on a month and a bit now.

I’ve made peace with it, I really have. I needed the time to process before i could write about it and truly make sure that was the case though.

So what happened ?

I’ll spare the direct details, but give you some of the highlights/Problems as I see it now (hindsight is always 20/20 – or so they tell me).

I’ll start with me.

I made a few assumptions (which based on the info I had at the time seemed reasonable) which ended up being problematic. Because of this I’ve learned that even if someone says “organically grown” TPE is what they desire – I need to make it a point to establish and negotiate expectations for the relationship, what they want, what I want, how we’re going to get there, and limits off the get go. I did not do this, and it bit me in the ass.

I also learned that I can handle rejection fairly well….

In the end, the Hellcat and I had a lengthy discussion regarding the end of the relationship and what went wrong, however I was given one piece of information that floored me – Apparently according to her, our part of the dynamic had “problems” from day 1. I was COMPLETELY unaware of this, as there was very little communication of any issues on her end towards me.

So after she was “done” with me – she wished to talk to My little fae (no doubt to try and explain her lack of contact to either of us for almost 2 weeks, basically since we moved her from her shared apartment to her solo one).

I know most of the details of this – but only one snippet is pertinent here: My little fae had to break up with -her- there was no intention of doing so on the hellcats part.

I’ll admit I was hurt pretty badly by it all, if you were paying attention to previous writings, my biggest poly triad fear was that the female partner we found would prefer my little fae – and that was indeed the case. Looking back on it, I just wish I had known sooner before I invested both my time and money into the hellcat to help start her on (what I considered) the proper path. I felt (and feel) well and goodly used.

I am proud of myself though – I handled it very well compared to previous break-ups so we’ll call that personal growth – the hellcat and I are still civil, and will occasional crack a joke at one another when we see each other at events. My little fae is still on her radar I think – but I know that there is nothing there on my little fae’s part. so we will see.

All in all it’s been a bastard of a few months – BUT I can tell you that My little fae and I intend to move forward in the poly arena together – I think I’ve proven that with a bit of work and some more careful consideration I CAN make poly work. The time I did have with both of them was amazing, and it made me happy, as well as my little fae – we just hope going forward we can find something more permanent.

Good to see you all, I WILL post more, I promise.

Syn

A Pirate’s Life for me ?

This has been one of those weeks I’d rather Put behind me, but it’s going to be in the forefront of my mind for the foreseeable Future.

lately I have been working an obscene amount of hours, 95 in the last two weeks, and would have been more, except for Friday night’s events.

Thursday, I felt as though I was getting an ear infection, so I went off to the walk-in clinic, got diagnosed, and started my medication.

Friday started normally – up, message my little fae, walk to work. On the walk my tongue started to tingle and go numb. I didn’t honestly notice it and thought it was just a mild reaction to the Penicillin.

The day continued on, and during a business meeting later on in the evening I had lost almost all the feeling in the left side of my face. I was not overly worried about it being a stroke as I still had grip strength in my hands, and my body temperature was about normal. Regardless, after our meeting around midnight, I asked my co-worker (or as we call her the work wife) to take me to the hospital, En-route I called my little fae who was at work and told her what was going on.

I registered at the front desk in Emergency and settled in.

Dot left work and was there in less than a half hour. in the intervening time, I had a Grip strength check, and 3 vials of blood drawn. I know there were trying to rule out a stroke. So after 3 or 4 hours I finally got to see the doc, and was officially Diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy. Needless to say I, and my little fae were very relieved.

So, thus far, I have gone 3 days with the symptoms, and I must say, it’s more of a piss off than anything… I have no depth perception, and have to drink my coffee through a straw, HOWEVER the endless supply of Pirate, Two-face (from batman) and Jim Ross related jokes are awesome.

So I have learned a few valuable lessons within my first few days.

1. Swish and Spit for brushing teeth, is best done in the shower.

2. Knife and fork to eat everything, and have a napkin handy.

3. If your Slave is always on the side you develop Bell’s Palsy on, she essentially becomes your peripheral vision, and can and will point out people you -should- say hi to when they enter a room.

4. Stairs require depth perception, it’s ok to laugh when you miss one, and your slave needs to Go up them first.

5. Vaping is easy, blowing rings is impossible.

6. taping your eye shut in the mornings can be frustrating – having your other half do it, removes some of this.

7. a sense of humor goes a long way.

8. the patience others show you, in not looking away or staring, tells you a lot about them.

9. My little fae, is amazingly kind, patient and again has proven just how incredible she is… ❤

 

Regards,

 

 

Syn