It’s probably going to be difficult at best to explain my extended absence from these pages – however I think I will simply write, and perhaps by the end, my reasons will become clear… I have missed writing, but had no clue how to say what I wanted or at certain points even what to say.
The past few months have been filled with both highs and lows, but I think since the High moments speak for themselves I will start with those.
The largest event of the past while is most definitely the news of my little fae and I getting our first house together. We took posesion at the start of last month and are as of now almost 100% moved in. combining two houses worth of stuff is time consuming and a cluster-fuck to say the least, but I am beyond happy to have her with me ALL of the time now. She keeps asking if I’m happy and I don’t know if I can properly convey just how fucking over the moon I am to have her with me all the time. That said – I should also point out that on top of combining houses, we’ve also introduced all of our cats, totaling 5 4 legged asshole feline overlords in the house now…. more on that as it develops (lol).
We also recently said goodbye to “The Ball” an event we attended in a neighboring city bi-monthly, it was a pansexual fetish event held in a bar and Canada’s longest running one at that. The Hotel/Bar where it was hosted was sold, and the organizers decided to hang it up rather than look for a new venue as they believe they accomplished what they set out to do when it was first started 20 years ago (and I can’t say I disagree with their logic). The reason I consider this a high point, is simply because the event itself was amazing – time with some friends we rarely see, and just a general sense of togetherness throughout everyone in attendance – even a contingent of local Leathermen showed up – which was amazing to see, since i indentify very closely with leather Ideals. I’ll be sad to See the Ball go, but at the same time we still have MaST, and the possibility of a new event Stepping up to take its place.
So, on to “the” low.
Those of you that have read my last few entries may have noticed I have avoided mentioning my Hellcat.
That is because we haven’t been dating her for going on a month and a bit now.
I’ve made peace with it, I really have. I needed the time to process before i could write about it and truly make sure that was the case though.
So what happened ?
I’ll spare the direct details, but give you some of the highlights/Problems as I see it now (hindsight is always 20/20 – or so they tell me).
I’ll start with me.
I made a few assumptions (which based on the info I had at the time seemed reasonable) which ended up being problematic. Because of this I’ve learned that even if someone says “organically grown” TPE is what they desire – I need to make it a point to establish and negotiate expectations for the relationship, what they want, what I want, how we’re going to get there, and limits off the get go. I did not do this, and it bit me in the ass.
I also learned that I can handle rejection fairly well….
In the end, the Hellcat and I had a lengthy discussion regarding the end of the relationship and what went wrong, however I was given one piece of information that floored me – Apparently according to her, our part of the dynamic had “problems” from day 1. I was COMPLETELY unaware of this, as there was very little communication of any issues on her end towards me.
So after she was “done” with me – she wished to talk to My little fae (no doubt to try and explain her lack of contact to either of us for almost 2 weeks, basically since we moved her from her shared apartment to her solo one).
I know most of the details of this – but only one snippet is pertinent here: My little fae had to break up with -her- there was no intention of doing so on the hellcats part.
I’ll admit I was hurt pretty badly by it all, if you were paying attention to previous writings, my biggest poly triad fear was that the female partner we found would prefer my little fae – and that was indeed the case. Looking back on it, I just wish I had known sooner before I invested both my time and money into the hellcat to help start her on (what I considered) the proper path. I felt (and feel) well and goodly used.
I am proud of myself though – I handled it very well compared to previous break-ups so we’ll call that personal growth – the hellcat and I are still civil, and will occasional crack a joke at one another when we see each other at events. My little fae is still on her radar I think – but I know that there is nothing there on my little fae’s part. so we will see.
All in all it’s been a bastard of a few months – BUT I can tell you that My little fae and I intend to move forward in the poly arena together – I think I’ve proven that with a bit of work and some more careful consideration I CAN make poly work. The time I did have with both of them was amazing, and it made me happy, as well as my little fae – we just hope going forward we can find something more permanent.
Good to see you all, I WILL post more, I promise.