Singles Awareness Day – Or Love is Where You Find It.

“Happy Singles Awareness Day”

I’ve seen this Plastered across social media, chat groups, and even from clients in the shop today. Honestly I used to be one of you once upon a time, and Frankly – it’s Cringe worthy, and passive agressive at best as a saying.

Valentines day actually has it’s origins rooted in the Pagan Festival of Lupercalia, A celebration of fertility. The change to a celebration of love was first noted in 1375 by Chaucer in his poem “Parliament of Foules”.

So, minor history lesson aside, I offer this view of valentines day:

If we are going to use this particular day to point out how “unfair” or depressing a day for celebrating love is, I ask you this – Is Romantic love the only love you are capable of? I love my Partners, my kid, their kids, my family – Logical and blood, and my animal companions for starters.

I Also choose to express that love as often as a I can, not just today. When I was in the Singles Awareness Camp I was angry, bitter, and had NO idea what love really was. I was always looking for the next best thing, never happy with what I had, or WHO I had in my life. I wasn’t even truly happy with myself – I was toxic, to myself, potential partners, and to the people I would eventually learn to love.

I Choose to believe Valentines day can give you freedom: Freedom to express love one day a year because EVERYONE is as well, you don’t have to be worried “the boys” will laugh at you, or that people will think you’re weak – it is the freedom to express affection in a world that often times looks down on that expression as weakness from the masses.

So for you “singles awareness” or “commercial gift giving” day folks I strongly suggest taking a look around you for Love that already exists in you life and celebrate that. If you can’t see it, then start with yourself, take yourself on a date, buy yourself those Reese’s hearts, Do SOMETHING to love yourself, it will make it easier for people to love you when you already love who you are.

Blessed and joyous Lupercalia, Happy Valentines Day, I hope that even if you’re single and aware you take some time to love the single constant in your life: you.

Love is where you find it after all.

Regards,

Syn

A Cuck, A Quean, and A Cake Walk Into a Bar…

Cuckqueaning is an interesting fetish to have. It’s also relatively obscure compared to Cuckolding, and that is frustrating to no end.

From a porn standpoint, real, or at least passable CQ porn is limited, and cuckold porn will inevitably creep into the results. Many moons ago I’d frequent motherless which had a better selection than the bigger sites, but in the interim I discovered that site had a lot of illegal content, and I stopped going there. Tumblr was a great source as well, but as we all know it has since been sterilized.

The Fetish itself is also difficult at best to find willing participants. The girl and I have all but stopped looking for a potential partner in that capacity. Whether that is a geographical, social or other reason, I am at a loss. A lack of interest in both of us, a lack of interest in me, or just a lack of interest in “consensual infidelity” on a whole maybe?

Now, the point of this post – why is it less prominent of a fetish? Why do we see cuckolding every time we turn around? Why is it we see such diverse representation in Cuckold scenarios? BBC, MMF, small penis humiliation, Gangbangs, the list goes on. Yet we see very little in the way of CQ content that is similar, usually it’s non-con Cheating or incest themed (the Incest portion largely being porn).

One final question – Cuckqueans and Cuckcakes, why ARE you into it? What is your motivation, why do you get off on it?

Regards,

Syn

In the Face of Blind Hate

For the first time in my life, I think I know what being on the receiving end of real blind hate is like.

Some background – All my life I’ve been a passionate LBGTQ+ ally. Since I was young I believed love is love, it doesn’t matter race, sexuality, religion, People should be free to express and experience love in the way that works for them. I’ve used my privilege to advocate, fight for rights and educate. 

I’ve marched in every Pride event we’ve ever hosted, but this year was different. My girl was gone, off to a Women’s weekend in another province. Which didn’t stop me from attending our Pride festivities. However, an old problem from my time in the community reared its ugly head – I was bullied out of attending the rest of the weekend, because “my girl” wasn’t with me, and she is the one who lent me “cred” in the community. Truthfully it weighed on me and still does. I was told I wasn’t welcome at Pride as a Hetnormative CiS male, and never was, even 20 years prior when I bartended socials for the community and protected them from violence and threats, so I was informed if I attended the Pride bar night, I would get kicked out because they would tell a bouncer I was uttering threats. 

Because of a need to educate and dispell myths, I joined a local group on the book of faces, a confessions group no less, anonymous people submit confessions about everything you can imagine. My reasons for doing so were to try and be a voice to advocate, educate and call out the multitude of phobias in our tiny city. 

verything was going great, I was even asked to moderate the group as I was the only person who had knowledge of BDSM and LBGTQ+ folk on the team. 

Until it wasn’t. 

Apparently, something I said pissed off someone, and I was suddenly seeing Pictures of myself poorly doctored with MS paint and transphobic and homophobic captions everywhere. I laughed it off mostly and placated myself with the knowledge that if someone was taking the time to do this, I was heading in the right direction.

I thought nothing more of it for a couple of weeks until another moderator of the team sent me a link, this link leads to what is laughably called an “awareness website” – it calls out shady people doing shady things, cheaters, etc, etc. I didn’t even know of its existence until this moment. 

Lo and behold, there was a picture of myself taken straight from my profile, and “biography” of all of my misdeeds (which were completely fabricated), stating I was spreading disease in our local gay community. For the record, other than some handshakes and hugs at our local pride events I have very little contact with the local lbgtq+ community here. They are very closed off outside of pride events, and rightfully so. 

 These websites exist in a pretty grey area, without a court order or DMCA violation they are there to stay – and since the first instance, I have had multiple other websites where the story is the same. I have since locked down my book of faces, left the group and changed my profile picture to something innocuous. In the interim of all this, the moderators have received numerous posts calling for physical violence against me, my family and anyone I associate with or call friend/family. None of these were posted to the group at large, However, I take them very seriously. 

Now, I should point out that up to this point, I did not once mention my sexual orientation in these area’s, I just stated my opinion, educated where I could and moved on. 

To most, I have always been a Het CiS male, and in a Het Passing relationship. 

Since these instances, I have had anxiety bad enough I don’t sleep, my pulse stays elevated and I am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting to defend myself and mine. It has helped me realize something though on top of all of this. 

I never really felt the need to “come out”, love is love, after all, I am still the same man I always was, just more so embracing more parts of myself. However, after a complete stab in the dark by a random troll, I got called out. So I started writing. 

So, this is the story of how an act of hate pushed me to put words to something I wasn’t sure needed them. 

What started as writing about blind hate, is now the story of how I further embraced a more complete view of myself- I am who I am, and that is that I owe no one an explanation.

I want people to be aware, Love should always win. Inside the community, or out, especially with so much blind hate already focused on us. 


I am who I am. 

I am not hiding. 

I will still fight. 

In Leather, 

Jason.

There it is, The Fuckening

So lately I’ve been in a pretty good headspace all around.

For the first time that I can remember I’m at peace with my body image (more often than not), I feel pretty good about where I’m at, and some absolutely amazing humans have really given me a confidence boost in that arena.

I’ve got an amazing nesting partner who loves, encourages, and supports me in everything I do, want to do or try to accomplish.

I have amazing Friends and Family who I love and are there for me.

However, the one thing I am still struggling with is certain areas of assertiveness. Now, don’t get me wrong, in some things I am more capable – My authority transfer for example.

So the real question is why do I still struggle with taking up emotional real estate, or expressing needs, wants and desires to people? I still choose neutral language to express feelings or use self-deprecating humor to deflect.

I pass up opportunities for connection; physical, romantic, platonic simply because I don’t want to “put people out”. Or it’s my anxiety and depression telling me that humans couldn’t possibly share the same thoughts I have about them, about me. Because of this, I know I miss a lot of connections or sabotage them before they start, and this is a problem.

This could be drop talking, but I really don’t think so – I have a lot of work to do in this arena and no idea where to start.

Just a few thoughts.

Jason.

Wicked Family and Gratitude. AKA Wicked 4.

One of our favorite Conferences of the year is always Wicked in the West, We (and most attendees) consider it a big ass family reunion, and this year was no different.

The Theme for this Wicked was gratitude, and honestly I don’t think any one word could have summed up my feelings about the weekend any better.

This weekend I suffered and bled for the things I am grateful for in the blood ritual, I have never done that before. I have so much to be grateful for. Over the 3 years we’ve come to Wicked and shared space with logical family, I have gained so much insight into authenticity, honor, love and self acceptance that it seemed the perfect way to leave a bit of my energy and gratitude with the people in attendance, and to leave a bit of myself close to logical family. Thank you Thista, TattooGoddess and CatMaverick for creating the space and facilitating the Bloodletting that allowed us to do this.

I had scenes with some amazing humans, from Rough body play, to abrasions, to just messing around with someone’s pointy necklace and hook pull marks. Thank you for exchanging your energy with me and feeding my inner sadist. I am grateful for all of you. I am also grateful I posted in the Wicked pick up play thread, That was a big thing for me, and resulted in some connections and energy exchange I hadn’t thought I’d experience, Next time there WILL be Reeses for aftercare. For those of you I ran out of spoons to get back to, I do sincerely apologize – but as I said to some of you – I will take a rain check till the next time we are together, and to one lovely human – I said it once, but I will repeat: “Just the pleasure of your company is enough, but I look forward to our rain check, A LOT”.

One of my favorite parts of Cons are the after hours gatherings, I made some connections I hadn’t counted on, had some conversations I won’t forget, and I was able to connect more with some humans I absolutely adore, but haven’t had the opportunity to either meet, or get substantial time with. Being served a scotch, to conversations and plans around manhandling scenes with a few lovely humans, to watching connections made and laughs shared. I am grateful for the time spent with each and every one of you.

I Danced with hooks. For the second time, I experienced a hook pull. This time I set intent. I pulled against, moved with and shared energy and space with amazing people. I pulled harder than the first time, and I worked through my own version of an endorphin rush. I bled and laughed and pulled against and with my girl. I tried to let go of some things I’ve been struggling with for a long time, and didn’t quite get there. I am grateful though, for the opportunity to try again, those old ghosts in my brain are quieter somehow, and yet louder. Thank you Thista for throwing my hooks, and thank you TattooGoddess for letting my clench my asshole in your general direction ;).

I spent time with my girl, who, as always makes me so proud to have her by my side. We laughed, we learned, and we suffered together. I am grateful for every moment we have cultivating new friendships, weird kinky shit we do together, and finding that connection over and over again. I bled for family, I bled for myself, but Always with the other reasons was her. I would do more than -just- bleed for her, but it is a small way to show my commitment and love for such an amazing woman, who walks my journey with me.

Last but Certainly not least.

Nelson and imp; Over the few short years since a certain fiery little redhead came bounding down the halls of the hotel and full force hugged me, I’ve had the privilege of growing to call you family. My Dear Brother and Sister, Thank you both for your wisdom, your humor, your open and giving hearts, and the Space you provide for family to gather every year. We learn, we laugh, we break bread and we share drink. I am so grateful for your love (even when I have a hard time loving myself), I am grateful for talks well into the wee hours of the morning, and metaphysical beard pulling. What you’ve created is an amazing environment for the Wicked family, and place to make memories together. For that I am eternally grateful. It is one of the first places I felt fully comfortable being who I am.

That was some of Wicked in the West for me this year, There are SO MANY other memories and people I wish I could reference, however a TLDR; would be needed, and that would cheapen the experiences. To every one of you that attended, competed, and added to the experience. Thank you, I am grateful for all of you too.

Regards,

Jason/Syn

My Journey of Body Acceptance.

I’ve been trying to put words to this for a long time, at least a year, and honestly I’ve started and stopped more than any other writing I’ve ever done. I’ve been treading a line between trying to get my point across and not sounding whiney or judgemental, and because this topic is something you don’t hear about a lot, it’s been difficult, so I ask you to read on with an open mind.

There are a lot of things I was never taught about being a man as I grew up and matured. As a child I was raised by parents who were older than most, both chronologically, and mentally. My parents are Legit straight out of a 1950’s sitcom, innocent, judgemental and very strict. They use passive aggressive language and are constantly worried about “what others will think of us”. I was never close with my father. Even now as I am nearing my 40’s he still has no idea how to talk to me, and I am constantly compared to other men my age he associates with.

Which leads me to a recurring issue in my life – Body positivity.

Ever since I hit puberty I’ve been a big guy, I stopped growing at 5’9 and in high school I was a chubby 200lbs, where I stayed well into my mid 20’s. I didn’t do many sports other than martial arts, which was solely because I needed to stop getting beaten up. I was constantly compared to athletes and rich/popular kids, with the question: “don’t you want to be more like ‘so-and-so’?”. I grew up with undeveloped social skills and Poor nutrition, not from lack of money, but from food being used as “love”.

As I got older I started going to the gym after a health scare and managed to drop from 270 lbs to about 180, and then I contracted Bell’s Palsy and fell back into depression, and comfort food.

About this time, my girl and I made the choice to open our relationship up, So I did what I always do when something new happens in my life, I asked the advice of people I trusted who had knowledge of Poly and open relationships.

I talked to about 6 couples, people I trusted, and people I considered friends, and except for 1 pair, basically the advice I was given was “Well, the first thing and most important thing you need to do is lose some weight or no one will want you, if that’s not something you want to do, just be happy you have one person in your life that wants to touch your penis.”

Now, I have always struggled with Body image and self confidence because of my weight since the first time I asked out a girl and she laughed in my face and slapped me in front of half my graduating class. To say I was Crushed would be an understatement.

I’ve always Looked at my naked body with scorn and distaste, I fell into the trap of needing to look like a hollywood beefcake in order to attract partners, However I will say that I do understand some partners find my body type attractive, I love my girl, and she finds me sexy, and all of the other adjectives associated with it. At the time of our first date, I had no idea this would be the case though.

I digress.

Over the years I have been “trained” to expect rejection based on a multitude of things, from my body hair, to my weight, to my hobbies and interests. Because of this I always thought if I could just find that one insatiable slut (slut being used as a positive) that would just be forward enough with me I would end up becoming a completely different person. Self assured, confident, All of the things I perceive as problems would just change.

Let me tell you I was wrong.

When we opened our relationship, on top of the previously mentioned “advice”, I also read voraciously, and I think most would agree, in poly/open/swinging relationships a man definitely has a much harder time finding perspective partners, much more so in my case, as I had never successfully asked anyone out. Let me tell you, I got scared, Really scared, I thought I would lose my girl, who I love as much as I love breathing. My body image issues were what I pinned all my insecurities on, I again thought – if I could just get a 6 pack, or bigger biceps it would some how mask my lack of self confidence, or make up for (what I perceived as) sexual shortcomings.

I got Mad.

Anyone that tells you rage and spite aren’t great motivators hasn’t met me. I made a choice to get back in the gym, I caved and grew out my beard, and started working towards my “Perfect Physique”.

The rage and spite came from my own brain, and imagined perceptions, I thought my girl would find someone younger, more physically fit, bigger cock, better dressed, and I needed to worry about a female presenting partner providing things I had no chance of. On top of that I knew my social anxiety and body image issues would prevent me from approaching Attractive humans from a potential partner standpoint, so if I caught someones eye physically I hoped they would approach me, and I could not have to worry about initiating contact.

DO NOT DO THIS.

There are two Quotes that hold some value here before I continue that I would like to share:

“Always be happy, never be satisfied” – A vanilla friend

“Discipline always trumps motivation. Motivation is about emotion and too many times, we rely on emotion to raise our performance. Unfortunately, this can quickly wear you down and if you aren’t motivated, lead to lackluster or missed training sessions. Discipline doesn’t care how you feel, what the weather is or if you’ve had a bad day. Discipline will carry the strong. Discipline will drive success. Discipline doesn’t need a “hype” video or loud music.” – Jim Wendler.

Both of these Quotes are in the context of powerlifting/training, however I find a lot of that advice is relevant to much more.

If I wanted real, lasting change, I needed to be happy with my body – but not satisfied, because of that I needed long term discipline to effect real change. My motivation was exactly what I have detailed in the monolith that is this writing, but in order to be disciplined I needed a real tangible goal, (and honestly a less destructive and shallow one).

So that is where I am currently, I am learning to be happy with my body, and work on my long term aesthetic goals – I have managed to narrow it down. A six pack for me isn’t a realistic goal, I like burgers and scotch too much, I am not a nice person when I buckle down to eat/live like I would have to to achieve that. Instead My goal is to get a “Muscle Bear” look, and be physically strong enough to manhandle anyone I want. I’ve also started to try and stop placing my self worth on my physical and sexual appeal.

Now that you have read this, I offer some insight and advice. Men/male identifying humans are just as subject to body image issues as anyone else, but no one talks about it, it’s a form of weakness. We fall into the “social media” traps of perfection, and for some of us, it shakes us to the very core with no one to talk to or articulate our feelings to. There are many groups, websites and places to see this in action. We hurt, we have broken confidence because of it, and sometimes we need help building ourselves up.

Male Humans: Be who you are, be happy with how you look, and if you’re not – don’t change for the wrong reasons like I started, change because you WANT TO, if you try to change for others, you’re doomed to failure, and being trapped in an unhealthy spiral of pleasing people who do not know what a fucking rockstar you are. Do things that make you feel confident, don’t mistake others validation for confidence, it’s not, and not healthy.

Somewhere along the way I realized the things my girl said to me were my truth, not the lies my brain created trying to chase approval. All it takes is one person to see the things you don’t, and more often than not, you should listen to them, the positives they see are generally the truth.

Regards,

Syn

Authority Transfer and Personal Style.

Over the years I have had a fair few people comment on how Dot and I don’t seem to be in an authority transfer…. I’ve heard various forms of horse shit: everything from she tops from the bottom, to We “play” at being power exchange.

Let me be perfectly clear: I don’t give a fuck what you think about our authority transfer, it functions well for us, AND we’ve managed almost 11 years together so we must be doing something right. However, it does give me an opportunity to explain somethings about myself as a Master.

Most importantly I am a Macro-manager, not a micromanager. What that means is if I give you a task, as long as you aren’t going against my morals or beliefs to get it done, I don’t care HOW you do it, I just want it done. For example, I don’t know a damn thing about women’s fashion, what I do know is that for certain events Jeans, Ugg’s and a scarf won’t cut it, So by all means, dress yourself for the occasion, ask my opinion on an outfit but don’t lay out your whole wardrobe for me to choose from. If I have something specific I want you to wear, I will tell you.

Similarly, if I want coffee, just bring me a coffee, I personally don’t need elaborate coffee service or you to kneel while presenting it, the faster I get my caffeine the safer it is for all involved.

I don’t believe in obvious or grand gestures of Dominance or submission. In our day to day the girl and I look like any other couple out in the muggle world. our rituals and protocols are damn near invisible. For example, when we are out for food or another public venue, the girl is free to go to the bathroom or leave my line of sight as long as she asks, but in order to get up from the table for the final time, I stand first and offer my hand, then she knows it is acceptable for her to get up and prepare to leave. To the average person I just look like I am being chivalrous, We have had a few older couple comment how rare it is to see such a “gentlemanly offer”. It is a near imperceptible display of control, but it speaks volumes about who is in charge. In addition, the girl will wait for permission or a subtle nod from me before eating, even if I am off in the bathroom when the food arrives.

The other part people seem to take issue with, is that I don’t involve myself in her outside relationships. My girl and I are both Poly, and Open. Because of this, she and I are free to explore outside relationships with the understanding that if OUR dynamic and stability are threatened we will have a conversation. Other than this, I don’t control who or how she has a relationship with. That’s just selfish and toxic. What sort of precedent would I be setting if any time she went to have sex with another partner I required her to call me to ask to orgasm? Or what to eat with them, or how to spend money on a date?

Lastly, many people seem to be under the mistaken impression that since I deliberately do not control certain things in my Authority transfer I am somehow less dominant over the girl. As a few examples – SHE controls the money for the house, I am bullshit with money and she’s waaaay smarter in that regard than I am. I like owning my own home, I would like this to continue, so the girl sets the budget, controls the bills and how we pay them, and I get a bit of a “allowance” at my own request. I let her Dictate also what she is capable of for play -she can tell me “not today please, Sir” and surprise – I listen. Dot is going through some changes and mild health concerns and can’t always handle what I am able to dish out, so SHE is in charge of telling me how she feels, what she can handle, and whether we are a go for play or not. Why? because I don’t want to break my toys in case I misread how she is feeling that day.

Now, I am by no means saying this is a how to, or even that people who follow more ritual driven protocols are in the wrong. Quite the contrary, I think that too many people focus on “popular” methods of authority transfer, and most think anything other than their style is somehow inherently wrong. I’m here to tell you that after many years of experimentation, and no small amount of fuck ups, that whatever works to reinforce your Dominance, submission and personal style is perfectly OK and acceptable as long as it’s consensual.

Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.

Regards,

Syn

Vulnerability: Owning my Shit.

Lately I’ve been talking a lot about Healthy vulnerability and what that means to different people, how we can be vulnerable with others, and boundaries when choosing to be vulnerable.

For myself something I have always struggled with is sexual expression and discussion in how it relates to me and my needs, wants and desires. There is a small voice in the back of my brain that adds shame, anxiety, and forces me to fight more than I should to express myself. We, as humans are sexual beings and in the sex positive spaces and conversations I find myself in, vulnerability in expressing these things are something I -need- to get comfortable with.

My thoughts on why this is necessary are hard to put in words, so this might sound a bit muddled.

Aside from my own needs to communicate (I talk ALOT in case anyone is surprised by this revelation), my nesting partner is someone I not only desire, but want to be vulnerable with – she has, over the years, helped me to become the best version of myself I have ever been. This alone deserves complete transparency, openness and implicit trust. Over the years she has helped me explore my sexuality, kinks, and done so with zero judgement, I detest the term, but for lack of a better one: she has been my safe space.

Sexual Compatibility and Ethical non monogamy is something else on my mind in this regard. Polyamory, and that we are in an open (albeit selective) relationship, opens so many doors that took me a long time to become comfortable enough to address…I understand that all Poly and ethical relationships don’t revolve around sex, but for me, a lot of my connectedness comes from sex, S&M and taking care of the people who I choose to spend time with, however that manifests. My Comfort with these sides of myself is important in pursuing these needs and wants, so that I can find people who will enrich my experiences, and in turn perhaps I can enrich thiers.

In my travels I’ve also done no small amount of self discussion and reflection on my sexual orientation, for years I defaulted to heterosexual. I was really unaware of Pansexuality, gay, and all the other stops along the sexuality spectrum. So I went searching and exploring. I can say with positivity that I am 99.5% straight, however it took a lot of exploring to be sure. I love women, I love their bodies – small, big, thin, muscular, athletic, curvy… Sexually they just do it for me. I should point out, that as un-PC as it sounds, male genitals are the hang up… I just don’t find they do anything for me.

The last part of tying it all together? I need to get more comfortable in asking or communicating what I want, and the narrative I have kept for far too long.

A few months ago I had a pretty heavy talk with a Sister of mine, in front of her partner (a Brother) and my girl. I felt comfortable for the first time in a while to have my little dark corners flooded with a spotlight. It was bad enough she had to grab me by the beard and force me to listen, but I did.

Really a lot of the things I have started exploring and trying to work on boils down to confidence, and cultivating a lack of fear. In the end I have been ruled by old patterns and habits that tell me I’m not attractive enough, or desirable, or not pursue something because I don’t offer as much as the next guy. I short change people and their thoughts by offhandedly dismissing compliments, and anyone that knows me can tell you that someone could say right to my face they find me attractive, and my brain will simply ignore it. I have worked actively in the last few months to change my thoughts, as well as my acceptance of these things, because it’s not fair to me, and not fair to others.

So why did I write this whole rambling mess?

Simply, put – because I need to work on these things, and I understand that without putting a voice to them and making them visible, then I will simply ignore them long term hoping they go away.

Vulnerability isn’t pretty but it does help build trust, both with others and yourself. So here it is, some of the things I need to work on, they have a voice now, they have Substance, and they will be easier to work on because I gave them that push into word rather than thought.

Regards,

Syn



Victim Support and Breaking Social Convention.

We talk a lot about predators and abusive/negative behaviors – how we should address them head on, how to support victims and how to deal with situations like this all the time. I often hear people touting the idea that we need to support victims of abuse, misgendering, racism and speak for those who do not (or cannot) defend themselves.

In Theory these are great ideas and sentiments and in a perfect world this is exactly what would happen too.

What I see more often than not is these people’s traumas and the events that caused them are used as a twisted form of social currency.

Before some people lose their shit, let me explain.

When I was raped many people chose not to believe my story, which, while horrible, isn’t relevant to where I’m going with this. What is Relevant is the people who “wanted” to believe me. I had ONE person who I confided in, they knew the whole truth because they made me feel that my anonymity would be protected, which I sorely needed at that time in my life. Now, when this person tried to warn others that my partner was abusive, a rapist, and frankly a shit human being, I sat and watched as people who were supposedly close to me make EVERY EXCUSE possible to not have to acknowledge that someone they know could possibly be these things.

I have been raped twice and sexually assaulted more times than I care to count, and the same bullshit keeps popping up even 15 to 20 years later. What this all boils down to is “I WANT to believe, but I don’t like the people the supposed victim trusted or associates with so I will instead tear down any form of warning I become aware of rather than swallowing my pride and ASKING.”

People wonder WHY we don’t call out a lot of predators, racists, and serial abusers – it boils down to something simple: fear.

When someone who is privy to information you are not comes forward regarding these despicable things, I am not saying to not think critically and question. I am not saying to blindly believe – that opens up the ability to weaponize being a fake victim. What I AM suggesting is that these people might not come forward themselves for a couple of reasons.

The reason I have seen most lately is that generally victims will find stronger people they trust to confide in. They feel safe that their anonymity will be protected by these trusted friends.

However, when you attack those people for spreading lies, crying wolf or otherwise publicly verbally attack them – how do you think the victim they are protecting feels? Safe to come forward? Safe to share? Safe to publicly denounce the behavior and the person(s) who turned them into victims?

All of this arbitrarily based on political and social disagreements between members of the community we all agree should be made safer.

How do you know they haven’t made a promise to not name the perpetrators? Instead we’ll cry “GOSSIP!” “DRAMA!” and all manner of other bullshit words which (inadvertent or not) creates an environment of victim shaming and fear. So they stay quiet, and the visible ones take the brunt of the vitriol, and the cycle starts again.

I will admit, I am not innocent in this either, I have done the exact thing I JUST wrote about, and didn’t even consider it abnormal, to me, it’s just the way things were. Which considering my own past, was a really shitty way of going about things simply because I wasn’t prepared to examine my own shitty behavior and thought processes.

What I am proposing we ALL consider, is the fact that warnings are just that – warnings, think critically, ask questions. HOWEVER do not fail to think critically or ask questions of people who are socially anathema to you. We don’t always have to be unified, but if people have the best interest of their respective communities at heart, then giving the benefit of the doubt costs nothing, and could potentially lead to victims feeling safer to share their stories at large, and come forward more readily.

Regards,

Syn.

Home, Community, and Understanding.

“Home is not where you live, but where they understand you.” — Christian Morganstern

Coming home to a small town after a large event is an odd thing, if you’ve never been to one, I don’t know if I can rightly explain the sense of belonging, community, and togetherness.

One of the presenters at Wicked in the West had said when they leave an event they crawl back into their cave and are alone again until it is time to “peek out”. I didn’t really understand this until I had time to think about it, and now I understand completely.

For us, it’s hard to keep in touch with people: work, the gym, minimal time with my girl as it is – our random phone calls, talking back and forth on social media it’s all a way to keep connected. However, I must admit, I miss talks till all hours of the morning over scotch, hugs, and not feeling like an outsider because of my/our fetishes or play. Even the act of entertaining, which we love isn’t something we get to do often, if ever.

The great part about being who we are, is that we are out, we make very little (if any) distinctions between vanilla and kink life, because of that I’m known as the slightly “odd” friend. There are parts of our lives I can’t discuss in good conscience from authority transfer to S&M on a regular basis.  I’m at home with this, and truth be told, we are currently moving towards helping create a local community, or at least increasing the miniscule one we have.

For those of you in a larger community, I offer this suggestion.

Quit taking things for granted, quit complaining and start contributing. Sure, there are issues – predators, drama, personality conflicts, and good old fashion disagreements. Is there a perfect solution? Hell no, however, at the very least do your best to not make whatever the current issue is, worse.

Realize that you HAVE a community of like-minded individuals available to you, for munches, play parties, and learning opportunities to explore things YOU find important. Even if it’s only 4 or 5 people who get together and practice rope ties. Your micro-community is there to support one another, and find joy in things that others can’t (or won’t) understand.

Reach out to people, try and find common ground, morals and beliefs. Be compassionate, fair, and non-judgemental. Have boundaries, sure, but be welcoming, inclusive and kind.

Be a builder, be engaged, and be thankful you have a home where people understand you.

In Leather,

 

Syn