Healthy Vulnerability and Mastery.

We are back from our trip to the city for yet another event, and while I had something completely different set to be written, after a conversation with my little fae, I feel this needs to take precedence, and in writing it, may end up being more therapeutic than the original idea I had.

Bear with me, this is going to be long, emotional and hard as fuck for me to get through because I’m going back many years –  and unearthing things that need to be unpacked to help me move further along my path.

I have a few undesirable traits that I need to get rid of in order to move further along my path of Mastery, and self-growth, but I’ll be damned if I know how to deal with them, or even if my fear of letting go of them will ALLOW me to.

In my early twenties, I was a very vulnerable person. I had a lifetime of wearing my heart, emotions, and thoughts on my sleeve. As a result, I was taken advantage of in my life by just about everyone, I have no one to blame but myself – “What you allow will continue” – and it did.

It continued, and I developed coping mechanisms and cultivated personality traits to shield myself from the hurt. I drank, heavily – more to allow my brain to stop with the anxiety and to possibly connect with people I wouldn’t connect with because of my shyness and low self-image.

The personality traits I cultivated are really the issue here, and I will address the why and what of them individually – as to move forward requires honesty and disclosure as a start.

Ego. 

I cultivated a fake sense of Superiority – Rather than becoming better at something, or working towards it, I was always at the top of my game, I created a fake confidence to shout down the voice that (sometimes still) screams in the back of my head that I am worthless, inept and “playing” at whatever it is I am dealing with. To this day even though I help facilitate MAsT in this area, I can’t help but manufacture confidence in the material rather than have the confidence come naturally. I manufacture fake confidence through ego in a great many things – even sometimes where the confidence SHOULD be genuine. Ego also caused me to become detached from the very people I reached out for, eventually, I withdrew into self-importance and sabotaged (unknowingly) my attempts to connect with people.

“When we remove ego, we’re left with what is real. What replaces ego is humility, yes—but rock-hard humility and confidence. Whereas ego is artificial, this type of confidence can hold weight. Ego is stolen. Confidence is earned. Ego is self-anointed, its swagger is artifice. One is girding yourself, the other gaslighting. It’s the difference between potent and poisonous.”
Ryan Holiday, Ego Is the Enemy 

If Ego is the Toxicity, and Humility replaces Ego.  how do I start to deconstruct a carefully crafted ego built with 20 years of care and exactness designed to keep me safe? I find it hard to be humble, truth be told I know I have moments of humbleness, and then they’re gone, as quick as the come. Like just now. I read this passage of and I realized, by acknowledging, I have moments of humbleness, I am letting ego take over because in actuality I shouldn’t have to point it out. Fuck.

Vanity. 

I can be a vain creature in many things, and that started at an early age (and in a different capacity continues to this day). I am constantly considering what will people think? I can’t do that I’ll look idiotic, or sounds stupid, or any other manner of vain excuse to not do, say or communicate what I really think, feel, or want. Vanity has led me to self-sabotage, and stunted personal growth, and happiness. Vanity has also led me to a place where if I do manage to communicate these things, it is only under duress, a feeling of being threatened, or absolute and concrete necessity. It cuts me off further from others because I am scared of being seen as weak for needing help. Do as I say not as I do Goddamn it.

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
Tennessee Williams

 

Pride.

Pride is something I struggle to find balance in, pride itself can be good, or bad, being Prideful is the problematic part. I take pride in few things but I am prideful about too much. Being prideful lends itself to an aura of arrogance, which, in my past was an excellent tool for keeping people at a distance. I still break that one out of the toy bag on occasion because it can help keep me out of situations or conversations where my vanity may be challenged. Pride in work well done is great, however too much pride in one’s image of self is another thing, it’s an odd dichotomy, I have a low self-image, but because I am prideful I cover showing that to most by self-deprecating humor. If they’re laughing -with- you, you can get out of saying anything of substance.

“A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.”
C.S. Lewis

The last point to touch on can’t be “sub-headed” in one word and it is something I need to modify so I can bring it out of the dark place I buried it years ago behind a wall made of Bourbon and pain.

Cultivating healthy vulnerability.

A healthy vulnerability is something I -know- about, but I have a hard time putting it into practice – in today’s world vulnerability has very negative connotations – exposed, and defenseless are probably two very common words associated with vulnerability.

Healthy Vulnerability to me is a form of freedom. Freedom to live authentically, and rather than sharing personal insights, it is instead the freedom to show people the “real” you, quirks, imperfections, and all manner of imperfectly perfect life. The problem for me, and why I shoved that into a box and crammed it behind my metaphysical wall is I do not know HOW to accomplish being vulnerable in a healthy manner.

 

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.”
Madeleine L’Engle

In the Search for authenticity and Mastery of myself, these are my first steps, they are the biggest ones because they are what remains of a toxic mindset of a scared young man, who was ill-equipped for life, and scared to let go of toxic people for fear of being alone.

I’m not that person anymore, and I don’t want to be, I want to let go of it. So here I am writing this for someone who has extended the hand to help.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

I’m still here!

I will be back to your regularly scheduled (or irregularly if you prefer) posting next week.

However I have A LOT to tell you all, and can tell you this week has been beyond amazing. In an attempt to share some of the good vibes and energy from my week I will simply share this:

and wish you all a Good night, and a Great morning.

Syn.

A Portrait of a (not quite) New Dom.

Hi there ! Welcome to my brand-spanking new blog.

I am starting this Endeavor as a way for me to explore my role as a Dom for my submissive and my exploration of everything BDSM and Kink. My thoughts on general Topics, Fetishes,  and issues I encounter as I find my style, place and for lack of a better term “calling” in the Lifestyle.

So who am I ?

I’m a 34-year-old Dom that lives in the Frigid Canadian north, in a small farming community (I say small which is 60,000 people) FULL of conservative close minded individuals. Everything here is about 10 years behind, it is a Fantastic place if you’re a Kid, or elderly , and an excellent place to raise children.

I was raised by my parents in a very conservative way… when I was young while others were listening to music like AC/DC, The Pet Shop Boys, and other popular bands I grew up on Elvis, Buddy Holly, and Fats Domino. The extent of my Discussion about sex with either of my parents Revolved around my mother finding a playboy I had some how found, and consequently hid in my Room – I don’t remember much in the way of Specifics, but I do remember the “MOM VOICE” as she tore the magazine up – “don’t read those boobie Books, the women in them are dirty” and that was that. Needless to say sex, masturbation and anything related was not welcome in a house where I had no lock on my door, and for the most part doors were to be kept open for anything except the bathroom and changing (even then sometimes if dad had to pee he had to pee).

Lets fast forward to Junior high, shall we ?

While others were experimenting with alcohol and the opposite sex, I was your stereotypical geek during a time when geeks were not at all sexy, but I did get involved in the Martial arts… I loved the order, Discipline and Form of art that out body’s were put through, the giving and receiving of pain was common place but it was done with respect, admiration and in some ways Love. I stood shoulder to shoulder with people from all back grounds and walks of life, as Student, Teacher and equals for the first time I could remember –  Even a Popular Jock from my School was there…. and after a fashion we were friends, he taught me and I taught him.

Grade 12! Senior Year! An amazing time in any kids life… apparently.

My memories of grade 12 may be a bit Clouded however A few things I can tell you that are relevant – I was still single, Still a virgin, and awkward and shy as shit around Girls. I finally asked a Girl I knew from a summer vacation spot to go to prom with me, and she accepted I did my best to be the Gentleman – Tux, Corsage, Met her folks in more than passing All in all it was the most fun I’d Had with a “date” (let’s be serious it was my first date ever).

After out evening together I asked her if, during the summer she’d like to continue Seeing one another and she said yes !

It lasted all of a week and she hooked up with two guys (brothers actually) and started dating them both…I was perplexed at best, and truth be told slightly Crushed.

I won’t go into details or specifics of my 4 other relationships (all long-term) but lets categorize them as more than unhealthy – No communication or Trust, I even left my beloved small City and moved with one to a larger city where I was the victim of emotional abuse, mind games and other forms of mental mind fuckery.

I moved home, sporting a Hefty bag full of depression, and Alcoholism in full swing…. and got a job at a local call center where, I met in person someone I had known for a few years though my old Live Journal, We will call her Dot. As I went through my call center training, I became involved with a Woman who fit the bill of my previous destructive relationships almost as well as the Benchmark. W eventually wound up pregnant, and She dumped me with-in a week of finding out.

Enter Rock Bottom.

A failed Suicide attempt or two later and finally on the mend. I was again single, with my Son and his mother out of my life due to my choice, she attempted [and still does attempt] to use him as blackmail to get things she wants…. well no Ma’am this is the new Syn and he doesn’t put up with that shit. I would NOT allow myself to hate my son because of his mother using him as a bargaining chip.

So there I was trying to put my life back together – and off to a local College. My First year and Yule break… the week before actually I revisited my Old LiveJournal account, and decided to make an updated post – more as a declaration of intent than anything. It felt good to write again, So I continued.

After about a week of new posts, I Finally had a comment left on an entry welcoming me back to LJ from none other than Dot. I imagine from her point of View she likely though I had just fallen off the face of the earth and was lost for all time. It had been 3 or so years since I had updated, and here I was Sober, sane, and much more collected than the previous Syn.

I had mentioned that I had some time off for Yule Break coming up and I was pretty sure I was going to be bored out of my skin.

Before I go Further with this let me Preface the rest with a Disclaimer – By this point I was DONE with LTR’s and women in general, not to the point of being Gay, I just didn’t want anything to do with the insanity I had labeled ALL of the opposite sex with.

Regardless on the post i mentioned about boredom over Yule, Dot Again posted and suggested perhaps we could Meet for Coffee, and I agreed – to this day I didn’t go in with the “date” mentality I simply went to pass time.

Holy Fuck was I wrong – our First date lasted 2 or 3 hours talking, laughing and catching up until she had to go Pick her youngest up from school, we hit it off so well that we made plans to meet at the same coffee shop again the following day, and the rest as they say is history.

Here we are in 2010 and this is kind of where the Vanilla stuff takes a back seat – but First some background, Dot and I had been dating exclusively for almost 2 years at this point, I was (and still am, if not more) deeply in love with her, her kids, and indeed everything to do with her… Now up to this point she and I had a very healthy sex life, and she had hinted at certain aspects of her life before containing BDSM, I was however not sure just how much…

Eventually we talked (holy hell REAL honest and open communication!) and eventually I got some insight into more than just the Rough/kinky porn I would watch at 5 AM when my Girlfriend of 10 years ago was asleep in the next room. (Porn to her was exactly like cheating) .

I discovered through her a Site called Bondage.com and her Profile which opened my eyes to a realm of possibilities – I was not alone, nor a freak for liking the things I did…. THERE ARE OTHERS !

So to Bring us up to current day, I should point out that through experimentation and Slow careful progress we are Finding out my kinks, what I like and don’t like and moving forward together as Sir and his Little fae, without realizing exactly what I had done I “collared” Dot with  a very innocuous chain with a fae on it which she NEVER takes off except to shower or when I remove it to Attach her Play/training collar. This fills me with such a sense of pride, and warmth I don’t think it is possible to explain it.

Which Brings us to now – Mutually  we have decided that Writing, exploring and researching is the next logical step in our mutual experiences, so I have started this blog to talk about, examine and discuss all things BDSM related, eventually I would like to also help people into or Curious about lifestyle related things, as I love to help people and in turn by helping them grow into a better Dom.

If you’ve stuck with me thus far, Thank you.  Please stick around, chat, ask questions whatever you wish. It is all a learning process for me, and hopefully you too.

Regards,

Syn.