Hypocrisy and Realism.

 

Bear with me, I am about to get a bit ranty.

A Long while ago I wrote about over-romanticizing the lifestyle and setting yourself up for failure. I think it’s high time I revisited that.

Now before I start, I’d like to point out two things.

I am Liable to piss off a lot of people with this post, and that’s ok – if it pisses you off, you likely needed to hear it.

I am by no means referencing erotica, or fictional writings with this post. That’s a completely different animal.

Now I may be completely off base, or maybe it’s just me, however, I don’t see submission or dominance as any sort of “gift”. What power exchange is at its core is a form of symbiosis. Both of you working in concert to build the life, relationship and sexual experience you want. At the end of the day, the Master makes the final decisions on what is and isn’t acceptable within the bounds of the negotiated limits, yes, the slave can say no but that will 99% of the time end the relationship as it exists.  In my case, you can say no, but there better be a damn good reason, and if there isn’t you better do as you’re told.

Time and time again I see writings from other D-types that are pandering and catering to a completely unrealistic view of the lifestyle, mostly for likes on FetLife. They make it appears you will find a d-type or s-type and suddenly you become otherworldly and hold the secrets of pure power exchange in the palm of your hand. Suddenly with the proliferation of the internet, ANYONE can seem like an authority, and precious few people call them on their bullshit. Even me, you read the writings I post, and assume I know what I’m talking about, but do I have the experience my words carry? I encourage you to ask – I have a long-term slave, I have friends that can vouch for me, and at the end of the day I try to pass on what I’ve learned to those that have EARNED the knowledge. When I repeatedly say I am an expert at impact play, ASK people who have seen me play (or played with me) if that’s the truth. DO NOT blindly assume I am an authority because I write well, or post pretty pictures that make you weak in the loins.

I read something the other day that blew my goddamn mind. Regarding a threesome, the D-type in question said that it wasn’t about him, it was a “special gift” for his girl. BULLSHIT. If you receive even a bit of compersion from the joy of your partner, it IS about you in a small way – but let’s be honest here: I’ve seen countless posts on how ALL men want to get their dicks wet, and that’s all they want. Barring that, how many times have you seen a meme, or another post about sex being the primary driving factor for men, and even some women? you can’t have it both ways and applaud one person for their altruism while condemning another for being honest that a threesome will be fucking hot and that’s what they are focusing on. I want a cuckquean experience with a cute lady and my girl – why? because I’m fucking horny, and I like sex…. does that diminish my power exchange or the reality of it? No – but I won’t pander to the masses and tell you a cuckquean relationship will be a “special gift” for my slave. We both want it because we like sex, and we’re sluts. If a full-on relationship with the cuckcake happens, that’s awesome too, another person for sexy-times, with or without a Power exchange. Please also bear in mind, I/we are looking for partners that aren’t a cuckquean dynamic either – which might or might not have a sexual component.

It’s interesting to me to say the least, that with my writing about separating myself from the social media herd, I had some advice from someone I respect and admire, telling me to just shoot a PM and get to know the individual that caught my eye, So I did. I didn’t come on like a creep, I referenced something non-sexual that caught my eye, and was polite and respectful (trust me, I had my girl read and approve the message). I was summarily dismissed without so much as a second sentence. I’ve had people I find attractive, basically tell me to my face, that I’m not attractive enough, or assertive enough, or any other host of things, Hell I’ve even had people (on both sides of the slash) tell me that if I wasn’t in the way, they’d try and seduce My girl. These same people sing the praises of some fictional internet persona (some of which I know) and claim that because of their pictures, or writing, they are somehow “understanding” something those of us with real, palpable experience do not.

All of the above are forms of hypocrisy I have encountered on a fairly regular basis, and it perpetuates an unhealthy environment, where more and more you have people developing unrealistic expectations of people, power exchange, and potential partners on a whole. Not every D-type is going to have a supreme grasp of power exchange or every technique BDSM has to offer. Not every S-type is going to be a supple and pliable mind, or body you can order around without working on bonding with them. Not all potential partners will be physical sex personified in a suit or leather dress. Be smart enough to recognize pandering and call out hypocrisy, both from yourself and others – don’t blindly become a fanboi/gurl.

Now that you’ve read this far, I imagine there’s a ton of folks foaming at the mouth, waiting to tell me I’m wrong, or misguided, or mad, or I’m pissed because my life sucks.

Sorry to tell you, for the most part, I love my life. Just like anyone, there are things I’d like to change (and I am working to do so), but I felt that so many say we never talk about difficult issues – it was about time I tackled a bit of the hypocrisy I see on a day to day basis. Feel free to disagree and educate me, but don’t be an asshole about it.

Regards,

 

Syn.

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Reflections on a Long Term Power Exchange.

Earlier this month my little fae and I celebrated 9 years together, and almost all of that time was in one form of power exchange or another. We’ve transitioned from Top/ bottom to Dom/sub, to Master/slave and to what we are now (it could be taken as some form of Owner/property and Leatherman/leathergirl).

So the big question is what has allowed us to last as long as we have? Over the years I have learned some things that have surely helped, but not all the learning has been easy. Worthwhile, yes, easy, no.

I thought to myself that sharing a few of the things I have learned about power exchange might be a good idea.

You will fuck up – a lot, and that’s ok. Through mistakes and the ownership of them, your best growth can, and will happen. Nobody is perfect, even Masters, contrary to what they’d have you believe. I’ve fucked up quite a few things with my little fae, but through communication, analyzation, and adaptation we’ve moved forward, and carved out things that work for us. Your journey will no doubt be different than mine, but by stowing ego, and thinking critically you can help your power exchange grow and create long-lasting pillars to build the foundation of your power exchange on.

It’s ok to have a slave who is smarter, more professionally successful, or further along their path than you are. We’re all human, with our own strengths and weaknesses. We end up being a product of the people we surround ourselves with. My little fae is far more professionally successful and intelligent than I will ever be (even though she tells me I’m crazy). I value her input on how to better (more professionally) handle work issues, advice on people, and her experiences in the community from years ago. Does this diminish the person or Master that I am? fuck no. If anything, it makes me a better person, partner and capable of making better choices for us. Put aside the pride and realize you have a whole pool of knowledge to draw from.

Be open and honest about needs/wants/desires. I’ve been blessed that my girl is open minded and fairly receptive to just about anything. She would do anything I asked, however, it’s much easier when they are receptive, encouraging and excited. For a long while I found it hard to talk about (what I considered) some of my weirder fetishes, Cuckqueaning, Degradation, and humiliation, even heavy S&M play.  Once I learned that by using my words I could find a partner I wasn’t miserable with and even might have some kinks in common with dating, fucking, play and power exchange got easier, more enjoyable and downright eye-opening. If you’re in a power exchange that can’t deliver on your basic relationship needs, then why are you even in it? Can you compromise on yours and your partner’s desires? Do you REALLY need something, or is it a want? As a Master these are important questions – Sure, you may -want- a supermodel who cooks like Nigella Lawson, fucks like Angela White, and Dresses like Dita Von Teese, (or is that just me?) but do you NEED that? Be realistic and honest.

Don’t fall in love with your own legend or pretend to be something you’re not. It’s great to take pride in who you are, and what you do – however pretending you’re something you’re not, or allowing untrue stories to proliferate WILL be damaging in the long run. Again, we’re all human – this wonderful mess of personality, skills, faults, and virtues are uniquely yours. I’m confident in the fact I am VERY good at Rough body and impact play of all intensities. I am also confident that I need work with Cigar play and confidence approaching potential partners. Would I attempt to mentor or teach someone either of these skills? Not a fucking chance, I’d end up at the least giving bad information that might cause someone to correct them later (and I’ll look like an asshole), and at the worst severely injure someone.  Consider it negligence or unhealthy ego if you will.

Don’t overload yourself to the detriment of your primary relationship. Now, this isn’t just poly people. Having a slave/property (S-type) in general can be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Priorities here are important. A good slave can be incredibly self-sufficient once they reach a certain point, Give them their instructions and off they go. However, if your plate is too full with work, family, other partners, and all the obligations that come with life, then you need to perhaps step back and prioritize the things you need to keep your relationship healthy, not only with your slave, but with yourself and others. Take time for reflection, self-care and making sure your energies are being spent in a way that enriches your power exchange(s).

Be part of your kink community. Go to events, meet people, volunteer or organize. Masters too should serve, service to one’s community and others is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Knowledge, experience, and opinions. All of these things can foster discussion, and in some cases growth for other people – help build the community you want to see, and your life will improve because of it, and so will your power exchange.

Finally, something I find most important. Never stop being a student. Learn voraciously, read not just things about the lifestyle, but read books on management, psychology, and philosophy. Apply the principles to your life and power exchange, learn from others mistakes, and how to avoid them yourself. Be a student of life.

Have fun, be silly, laugh often, play hard, and be open to experiences.

Adapt and Survive.

 

Just a few thoughts from a long-term power exchange.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

The Social Media Herd, How Do I Separate Myself?

My little fae and I have been talking the last few nights after she gets home from work, I mean we always talk, the last few nights, however, have tickled my brain and I wanted to talk about something that came out of my mouth in passing. We agreed it was something that might make a good topic of conversation or at least something that needed further examination.

So as I have mentioned, we live in a smaller town, which is why we travel to the bigger city for events etc. I always tend to perv our fair city’s members on Fetlife however – I’m a voyeur who likes learning about people after all. I do this also to look for potential partners and playmates closer to home. We have a severe shortage of people that come out to local events for whatever reason, and on a whole, we’re not overly “vanilla social”, local bars are crammed with alcoholics, fuckboys and girls, and trustees of modern chemistry. All things we’d rather avoid on principle.

So, there are a few women on Fetlife, locally that I(we) find attractive. I know, I know, physical appearance isn’t everything – however the lack of much on their profiles other than “I’m new and looking to experience” doesn’t give me much to go on. So I like their pictures and move on. I’d love to comment “I love your hips in this picture” or “beautiful smile”. I don’t though – for one reason – the fuck boys, my goddess the fuck boys, they pounce faster than a starving tiger…. two or three of them, all over pictures “nice tits”, “beautiful!”, etc, etc. From the gross to the insincere, and everything in between.

I’m not the type to just slide into Private messages, honestly, I’d prefer to just comment on a picture, and if they message me, have a conversation and see where it goes. I want my profile to spark interest, not my comments blending in with the other shit I’ve seen on every other profile from the same 3 or 4 people.

So how do I set myself apart? Express interest without blending in? Over text, I’m not the greatest at it, in person I’m OK – Conversation comes easily. However, as I mentioned in the post about technosexuals we seem to be in an age where your social media persona/PM game has to be strong. Truth be told I LOATHE social media because it negates the personal touch you get from talking in person.

I don’t honestly think my about me or pictures aren’t me – I have no cockshots, my write up (while a bit outdated) still represents a good portion of who I am, what I’m looking for and if you look hard enough there’s a link to my WordPress blog, which tells you all you need to know about me.

So in a kingdom of fuckboys, predators, and newbie pouncers – how do I proceed without looking like just another member of the social media herd?

Just some random musings.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

 

 

 

Another Trip Around the Daystar – Reflections on the Journey.

Well, another trip around the daystar is done. I turned 38 this year.

I was always wondering how to mark this occasion, I do every year. Drinks with friends, time with My little fae, a dinner date with my other partner, and surprisingly a lot of introspection and planning.

So what have I learned this year?

First and most importantly, I learned that going forward, my slave and I together can tackle anything that comes our way. Even more so than the years past, we’ve begun planning for the future. From our engagement to Attending Wicked in the West, and everything in between. We want to move forward, and experience – do different and new things. We want to help grow Leather Culture closer to home, and in the process grow together as Leatherfolk.  Our power exchange is stronger than ever, but we’ve realized it doesn’t exactly fit into a nice neat box, Master/slave, Owner/property, Leatherman/Leathergirl, we’ve come to be so much more than when we started this crazy ride just under 10 years ago. I am beyond grateful.

I’ve realized even more than last year, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s OK. When you meet me I am equal parts smartass, sarcastic, and introverted. I will good-naturedly tease, and some can’t handle the reality of my relationship with my little fae. I know some people think I’m an asshole, but those that look deeper, or catch on that I’m rarely serious are the type I’d rather surround myself with. For friends, family, and tribe, I would do almost anything – and I have also realized that being able to balance healthy “giving” and receiving of energy sometimes I have to say no, or enough. Authentic people who care will respect that, and if they don’t then it’s their loss, not mine. That’s self-care, not greed or being a poor friend.

In the last bit of this year, I’ve also come to the conclusion, that I am the one in control of the things I experience, and associate with. I’ve taken steps to experience Polyamory in a healthy and less reckless/more organic way. My little fae is fully on board, and I am blessed that my other partner is and was a dear friend first, Her and her primary. I’m looking forward to the future there, it’s just tricky for me having to experience all the “firsts” of a new relationship so many years down the road again.

I have also come to the conclusion, that I am an equal opportunity Sadist/Master. I could see our house having a boy in service, just as evenly as having another female, Sex is a separate issue. We still want to find another partner for U/us, however, I’ve also become more accepting to the idea of Dot having a sub/play partner as long as there is no other dominant in the picture, that I think would create a hell of a mess that would be detrimental to our goals. Poly was never off the table, it is my reaction to it which has undergone a change.

I’ve come to realize that My Leather has always been a part of me, but as I get older it evolves. The core tenants have always been there, but I am less apologetic and ashamed of everything else than ever before. I used to worry about what people would think of the person that I was, but thanks to some self-improvement work I’ve done, that no longer matters. In the end, having people who have a problem with who you are and what you’ve become can be more of a yard stick for progress than anything. Leather is no different, authenticity will breed haters, that’s how you know you are succeeding.

Going forward I’m going to continue what I have been doing, I will adapt when I need to, continue reading the works of the stoics, and other modern thinkers. I will continue on my Leather path, and do so with my little fae at my side (not to mention others if they will walk with me).

I think I have a good plan for the next trip around the daystar. I’ve made progress this year mentally, physically, philosophically, and emotionally.

All in all I am very pleased with the year, and can’t wait to see what lessons and experiences are waiting for me in the next.

Regards,

 

Syn.

Your Penis Cost You How Much?

I’ve been going to the gym again on a pretty regular basis, and it’s kinda humorous to me the little things I can learn about myself from watching people there.

If you’ve never been to a gym, the first thing you’ll notice if you look closely are the different types of gym goers. There’s curl bro’s, bodybuilders, powerlifters, selfie queens, social butterflies and cardio bunnies. All of these archetypes are spread across men, women, and kids. I tend to fall into the powerlifter category.

I digress.

The important part of this actually takes place in the men’s changeroom.

I’ve worked really hard to accept my body, and all the bits associated with it, with the understanding I’ll always be a work in progress, So I work on being comfortable naked around other people. In the men’s room this can be simultaneously easier and harder to do.

So I tend to just walk around the men’s change room with little thought to modesty, I’ve seen the sideways glances and the snickering, I pay little attention. I do however notice most guys there either cover up or pull on jeans/undergarments so fast you’d think it was a magic act. The shame about their bodies is really evident. I suppose being around body and sex-positive spaces is starting to rub off on me.

So, last night I’m coming out of the sauna, I always take my phone in with me so I can catch up on Fetlife, or talk with my partners, it passes the time well. As I’m headed to my locker I noticed a kid about 20 or so, in his hands, he has a shaker bottle, his keys a cell phone, and a towel covering his bits. He’s in the process of talking to a friend about how much he benched today or something. I make it to my locker and out of the corner of my eye, I watch his towel slip, he moved a hand to try and recover himself, and in the process, his phone hits the floor face down. I call this moment Schrodinger’s phone, until he flips it over, it is both intact, and broken.

Shortly after the requisite “fuck” from him and his friend he flips it over, and it is indeed broken – to the point of being unusable, a 700$ plus phone done.

I learned in this moment that being comfortable with my own body and not worried about “being gay” or some other nonsense because I didn’t cover my penis isn’t only a huge milestone for me, but apparently it’s cost effective too.

I make light of it, but honestly learning to have less body shame, and more sex positivity was never more clearly illustrated to me than that moment… it sounds like a weird point to have an epiphany, but that’s exactly what happened, and I also realized how far I’ve come.

Regards,

 

Syn.

 

 

 

Wicked In the West – Lessons and memories.

I was originally going to write yesterday, but as I started typing, I realized the words weren’t coming together in my head well enough to express how I truly felt about the weekend – so as you can tell I needed to process a lot. (as a note I have left most names out and will simply relate my stories with them, as I don’t know how most would feel about fet names out in the world of my wordpress blog, where this will be cross posted.)

A few months ago Myself and my little fae had the absolute pleasure of attending a weekend in the bigger city called “Fantasy”, this time was different though – they turned a portion of the weekend into a conference, and this is where my “Wicked in the West” story begins. One of the presenters especially ( ❤ Cat) is responsible for me (us) making the final commitment to pull the trigger and buy our tickets. A group of lovely people from Edmonton AND Calgary came to that event, and I was overwhelmed at the immediate connection I felt with them. (Truth be told I got home and started following and perving as many folks from that province on fetlife as I could). Up until now I knew in my heart I identified as Leather, I knew what it meant to me, but I had no idea that Leather also felt like coming home to family.

Enter Wicked Weekend.

After a stop overnight to visit some dear friends in Saskatoon (you bastards and your moonshine). We were up early and on our way to Edmonton to do a bit of shopping and check in to the hotel/get registered for the conference. In line to register it was pretty standard, a few people came up and said hi, and it was actually nice to sit back and watch old friends share hugs, smiles and reconnect.

So, with registration done, we realized we hadn’t eaten since very early in the morning, and decided before the opening ceremony we probably should. A part of our Manitoba tribe had been there a day or so already had saved us seats where a bunch of folks had gotten together in the hotel to grab food, so we sat down and braced ourselves to meet a TON of new people. Between trading smart ass comments with a lovely lady in a pink PD kilt next to me, to meeting someone who apparently has fet stalked us as long as I have fet stalked her, I felt very at ease…. and then something happened that blew me away.

We had about an hour for dinner, and ordered quickly, however, our food was not forthcoming. Apparently, the ticket system in the kitchen had broken and our order never printed. I really wasn’t worried about myself, I intermittent fast 18 hours out of the day usually so I can function well on no food. My girl, on the other hand, does not. I was looking at the clock, and wondering if something from the vending machine would be enough to get her through until we could eat. I went out for a vape and came back in to find that two of the volunteers (F-1 and F-2) had given my little fae half of her meal to help her out, likely seeing her face was white and blood sugar was getting low.

That one act from an almost complete stranger (at the time)  meant so much to us both that I really have no words how much it put us at ease being around 90% strangers. So, I didn’t get a chance to say it then, and I will now. Thank you both, it meant a lot to me that you would give selflessly like that to two complete strangers from across the country.

I could go on from here about the Classes we attended, and how amazing they were, the things I learned, and the similarities I saw in them sharing how they play, and how they live. My largest regret of the weekend in that regard is we had to choose what classes to go to. I deeply regret not be able to meet the Fishes, or spend more than a passing conversation with Owner and owned nevermind being able to meet ALL 150+ strong of you that were there.

What I really want to talk about from here on out is what I think Wicked truly offered, and what I am glad I was able to let my guard down enough and be receptive to: The people, the energy, and the open-hearted acceptance.

I remember good morning hugs from some very special ladies (Cat and both of the girls who bleed so pretty, with their giggles and noises). To our breakfast (and more) chat with our MAsT Vancouver Counterparts  (I Promise we’ll keep in touch, and who knows we may be out there sooner than you think. <3), To passing a message to Badasscanes from a mutual friend who had to send her regrets she couldn’t attend. To the gala dinner and really being able to talk to the lady how recieved 6 of TM’s Best, to the moments one particular person in service to the event made time to visit. All of these little interactions, moments and time are more than I can list here – they all built and filled me with such a sense of belonging I can hardly describe how full my heart is and how well fed my soul is.

I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention my Manitoba tribe.

Originally I didn’t understand what putting that patch on my back was going to mean to me. So to the other 3 of you there, thank you for making me proud to wear the leather bison on my back, I only hope that next time the rest of the Manitoba tribe can join us.

As for the competition portion of the event – I want to thank ALL of the Power Exchange Couples for being courageous enough to stand on that stage and open who you are to us, share, inspire and represent power exchange with so much passion.

To the Bootblacks: although I didn’t get to see near as much as I would have liked, I have to thank you for showing me that leather care is as much love, service and more than I ever thought possible.

To the Organizers Nelson and Impish – Thank you for not only an amazing event, and all the work you’ve obviously done, but thank you for making us feel welcome and part of something bigger.

Oh, One last thing before I end this monstrosity.

Immediately after the Closing ceremonies – I must admit I was hit with a wave of emotion, and for those that know me, I’m not exactly known for that (lol)… So I walked up to find Cat and the ladies with her before they left for Calgary. I was starting to mist up a little, and said as much to her. I will paraphrase a bit, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget her words.

“I understand, it’s hard knowing you’re leaving because you found your people, it’s like being home, I understand too….and you have people, you have me.”

It’s the truth you know.

Thank you Wicked, the organizers, the attendees, and the participants.

You’ve helped drive home something – Leather is tribe, Leather is thicker than blood, and Leather should make you feel like home is wherever Leatherfolk happen to be.

In Leather,

Syn.