Defending Your Life.

As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have a very eclectic taste in movies, my top 5 are all over the map. I do want to talk about one in particular. However, the list has an overriding theme that I think will become clear if you are familiar with them.

  1. Fight Club
  2. Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
  3. Tombstone
  4. What Dreams May Come
  5. Defending Your Life

Now if you know all the movies on my list, you get major cinephile cred with me.  That said, I am sure more than a few of you had to click the link for Defending Your Life. It’s major draw in the 90’s was (and would be today) that Meryl Streep was in it. Truth be told this is one of the few movies with her in it I can stomach (and maybe Julie and Julia). That’s neither here nor there, however. Have you figured out the one thread that ties this movie to the others on my list?

They are all about confronting fear or dealing with it.

Albert Brooks wrote this movie and the end premise is about conquering fear and how many times you are fearless quantifying if you are ready to move on to the hereafter.

So what does this have to do with either my journey, or BDSM, or both?

Bear with me, I want to tell you a little story about myself first – we’ll get there, I promise.

When I was in high school, not many people knew, but I LOVED sports – and a few would have agreed I was really good at quite a few of them. I never played on high school teams though.

One afternoon when I was 16 or 17 (grade 11) a bunch of us had a free period and would go fuck around in the gym. Well rather than just shooting hoops by myself, as I did ALL the time at home, and during some free periods, there was a volleyball net set up. You see, my school had one of the best Highschool AAA volleyball teams in the country (for both boys and girls). In my high school, volleyball players were treated with the same reverence some high schools treat their basketball and football players. Well, I couldn’t shoot hoops, but one of the girls I had known since primary school invited me to fill the 6th position on their team, I am sure the rest of the varsity team was salivating at the prospect of spiking a ball directly into my face. You see on a good day back then I was 5’9 and 180 Lbs – Short and built like a beer keg – great for the martial arts I was involved in, not so good for vertical lift.

So, the game begins and I try as hard as I can, I’m diving for digs, and receiving in the back row fairly well.  I Always try as hard as I can, no matter what I’m doing. Suddenly it’s my turn in the front row, now for those who are not familiar the front row is responsible for attacking – Spikes, and blocking spikes – Oh shit. Truth be told I did better than OK, and the Short beer keg looking bastard that I was even managed to get high enough to Spike the ball with a reasonable downward arc.

When we were done and just sitting back on the bleachers waiting for the bell, I had 3 members of the boys and girls varsity teams ask me why I never tried out – in their estimation, I would have made the cut. I never did answer them with more than a smile and a shrug. But I knew the answer clanging around in my head all too well.

I was Scared of Fucking up and being laughed at and ridiculed.

I have no real defense, other than to explain that I was raised that way – my parents were both scared of me getting hurt, or worse if I ever played sports or did anything physical. Even the martial arts I was involved in, I kept MUCH of the physicality of the sparring to myself so that they wouldn’t “convince” me to stop going.

Now that all of that is at least 20+ years behind me, I look back on it and laugh at what a poor mindset that was. I look at my mom who I love dearly and see all the irrational (to me) things she still harbors fear about, I don’t want to end up like that – however it is hard to undo YEARS of growing up with that, much like deprogramming people who are no longer catholic, but will still answer “and also with you” when they hear “may the lord be with you”.

With BDSM, and power exchange, We are all living outside of the norm – most of society would Squirm if they ever witnessed a scene between a sadist and masochist in real time. I remember an incident on fetlife with a face slapping video: someone watched it and because people fear that which is unknown or foreign to them this man threatened to call the police on them for domestic violence. Fear is everywhere, and it can be destructive to not only yourself but others too if you let it leak out.

Many facets of personal growth in the lifestyle can boil down to conquering fears – that is why it’s so important to have a slave or s-type that encourages growth, along with the Master doing the same for the slave. As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears,

As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears, and truth be told we do, but not as firm a grip as most think. Masters can have fear too – I choose to address mine in many ways, writing here, talking with my little fae, and seeking advice and opinions from people we are close to, and respect.

I’ve made a conscious decision to meet my fears as head on as possible and deal with them if at all possible. I do still have a few that I struggle with daily (and sometimes less frequently) but I will get there eventually – it’s a marathon, not a race.

Bob Diamond: They can make a mistake. You shouldn’t let others get to you like this. Just follow what’s in here.

[points to his heart]

Daniel Miller: [Daniel nods in agreement]

Bob Diamond: Don’t worry, and don’t kick yourself forever. Just take the opportunities when they come.”      – Rip Torn as Bob Diamond, and Albert Brooks as Daniel Miller in Defending Your Life.

I will follow what I want in my heart, and deal with my fears – quite possibly the most imporant thing I can do as a Man, a Master, and someone trapped on this floating rock for a finite period of time.

Regards,

 

Syn.

Body Image and Body Positivity For Men.

I really should be working on my presentation for MAsT coming up, but I find I can’t. Not yet anyway.

I’ve been having a rough week self-esteem wise.

No longer working (Got fired from a rather Homo/Transphobic place I spoke up about [they, of course, found a reason to fire me]). Not really having much of a support system/friend base here at home, and my manageable but still present depression, has created a fairly impressive “low” for me.

Something I have been mulling over recently, and for quite some time, is not really a double standard, but perhaps more of something that slips by marginally unnoticed for a few reasons. I hope to shed some light on it, as well as perhaps put my own mind at rest, or even just catharsis through putting it all on “paper”.

Male body image issues.

All the time you see Female body image empowerment. This is a fantastic thing! people should be comfortable with who they are and celebrated. I do have a caveat for this for both men and women, though – As long as you are healthy! Not to say we need to look like the preconceived images of modern day Adonis or Aphrodite, far from it, but one should not be a walking time bomb of health issues either.

From BBW dance nights(which I enjoy going to immensely btw), to support groups, meme’s, and all manner of other empowering supports. They’re everywhere, which as I said is fantastic!

Women are constantly held to a perceived standard by media:  Kim Kardashian, Ruby Rose, Scarlett Johansson, and Megan Fox, the list goes on.

Men are also held to a similar standard: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Brad Pitt, Ryan Reynolds, Brad Gosling and Connor McGregor.

All of these men hold a few things in common besides their star power – Ridiculously sculpted physiques. Time and time again people try to sell you on the idea of fat loss, thermogenic’s (fuck these things btw), the next big bad workout routine, 6 pack abs in 12 steps! What people don’t realize is two things they can’t dictate are a genetic predisposition. Not everyone can get down to 8% body fat and hold it (yes single digit body fat is where visible abs happen). Then there is dedication – don’t get me wrong, more and more people will spend tons of time in the gym, eating properly and all the other things you need to do. However, guys like The Rock spend HOURS in the gym, same with these other stars , when preparing for a role they spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on diet, trainers, and pure time spent. The average guy just can’t, or if they do they’ll sacrifice other areas of their life to achieve, and it can be detrimental to living a balanced life.

Always be happy, Never be satisfied.

My body type is  one that will never be at single digit body fat, I am a mesomorph but I did take a period of time to spend 5 days a week in the gym, my goal wasn’t fat loss, though, I wanted to get as strong as possible. As I once told a friend, I don’t do a lot of cardio, I’d rather kill the bear than run from it.

During my time at the gym, I overheard things leveled right at me by people who assumed my music was on. I won’t go into it, but let me just say, they were some very negative comments about my physique. Body shaming doesn’t just happen to women, I have had it directed at me as well.

Even as recent as two weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend (via video) and someone passing by in the background exclaimed “Put your fucking shirt on! We don’t want to see that!”. Keep in mind I am a big guy, and hairy as a grizzly. These two things have always been an object of ridicule until I met my little fae, she for some reason loves both my size and my Furriness. However, thanks to my previous experiences I am VERY self-conscious about these things, if you’ve ever seen me shirtless, then I trust you, more than most.

The other body image issue men are constantly bombarded with is something that bothers the shit out of me, as well as something that was brought closer to the surface thanks to of all things a radio add I heard not long ago.

One of the most vicious insults you often heard hurled at a man is penis size (this is not including the Fetish of small penis humiliation). “limp dick”, “small”, “is it in yet?”.

You’ve likely heard these things leveled at someone at some point, and really if you’re looking to truly insult a guy, the penis, and inherent masculinity is closely tied together.

Even on sex-positive sites like fetlife I see lines like “I’ma size queen so if you’re not hung don’t bother”, and other similar “size queen/king” statements.  How many guys have actually measured the size of their penis ? More than you think.

The other day we were driving to a neighboring city and I actually heard a radio ad for something promising to increase length and girth all the while a smug female voice promising that it would drive women crazy, WHILE implying the bulk(no pun intended) of men were inadequate. Fuck those people, fuck them with our average sized dicks in the ear.

Now, I’ve never considered myself anything but average, honestly, I DID measure myself when I was younger, and always considered myself small when you compare to the 8 to 10-inch monster cocks you see in porn. No one ever talks about an average dick, dildo’s and vibes are 7 to 8 inches long. and what you see on fetlife are guys who post penis pics – apparently the new rage is holding your dick next to a can of coke, or hairspray to prove its fucking huge. Personally, if I rely on my dick for self-worth, I’d never have sex again – I can’t compete with Hernando the monster cock, or the guy who’s as thick around as a bottle of water. (I have seen this, and really genetics ? what the actual fuck?) But I am sure those who enjoy that are especially happy. I’d just prefer to see more love for guys who are average.

All in all male self-image is a huge concern, but that brings me to my last point.

None of this is ever fucking mentioned because it flies under the radar. Men are not to show weakness, WE DO NOT talk about our problems because it shows weakness, it’s just another thing that is “unmanly”. I say fuck that, by nature, we are simply making the problem worse, men who show weakness are to be further ridiculed. “we don’t talk about our feelings”, “we don’t show that anything bothers us”, and my favorite “be a man about it”.

All of these things are used to shame us into silence, and largely those of us with issues are SCARED to get the help we need.

In the end, we NEED more male body acceptance, for ALL body types. We need to realize that male self-image is a bigger problem than people believe, and we need to start appreciating men for who they are, not based on an unrealistic interpretation of masculinity perpetuated by Hollywood, and big media.

Men, Women, Humans in general are ALL beautiful, and we deserve to be told so.

Struggling, Real (or Imagined) Dilemma’s.

this particular post is something I do want to share, however it’s going to be written to my little Fae.

You said to me the other day “I just hope I don’t stop you from finding someone.” now this was in regards to our polyamorous search, and to be honest I feel the same way. not in regards to you, more in regards to me.

I know you miss women, I know you’ve also said that if we do not find a third you would be perfectly happy with just me. With that said, something else you wrote resonated with me. You had said that I still wasn’t comfortable with you finding a girlfriend solely for yourself.

Now in the poly scheme of things this is what I would call my first bout of jealousy. I am jealous of sharing you with someone, mostly because that wouldn’t be together.I think I would be less jealous of a woman as your partner, I don’t think I could handle you having another male partner and you know this.

There are few reasons, primarily I would be jealous of the time they would get with you and I wouldn’t.I get so little time with you to begin with it would be hard to split that with someone else. Doing things with them, laughs I wouldn’t share, smiles I wouldn’t see, jokes I wouldn’t get – and Physical contact I wouldn’t experience.

Another point of jealousy for me in that regard is my complete and utter inability to talk to a potential partner even remotely…. you’ve seen me, I’m a fucking wreck and would (trust me) have Issues meeting a potential partner on my own – I wasn’t kidding when I said it was a fucking miracle we ever ended up together. I can’t approach women and flirt as easily as you can, or even summon the courage to ask a woman on a date most times like I did with you… I had nothing to lose at that point.

I don’t think I could handle thinking to myself (and you know I do) “welp, I wonder if she’s going to end up leaving me because she’s getting what she needs elsewhere.” (I know this isn’t the case, but my brain is a fucking scumbag). I always try to do my best, and give you every bit of me – I try very hard to be a Good partner, Sir, and friend. However that little voice in the dark corners always tells me “You should be doing more, she deserves more”.

I would be Jealous of how quickly you’d find a partner – it would be MUCH faster than you think, and some days I think I’m just holding you back from being completely happy because I’m Selfish, and don’t want to be alone while you’d be out on a date, or experiencing things I can’t share with you (or both of you). I don’t want to be like that partner who we read about on fetlife who isn’t even Friends with their Primary’s partner.

So the flip side of this needs to be mentioned as well: Guilt.

lets say this was reversed – I was the one who found a secondary – I don’t think I could do it (but you never know).

I would definitely feel guilt…. even thought you never say a word when I go out with people while you are working – I still feel guilty that I’m experiencing or doing, and you’re not with me…. I WANT you to share those things with me, I know our interests diverge in certain things, as they should… but when it comes to socializing or going out places I WANT you there, and to me, being out with another on a date without you would be excruciating.

I would feel HUGE amounts of guilt over another sexual partner, that you weren’t included with… I don’t thnk I can explain this one with any other phrase, other than whats mine is yours always….and I would want to share that with you.

After reading all of what I wrote above the Jealousy part can pretty much be flipped to my Point of view and assumed as guilt as well…. I just don’t have enough healthy examples of poly, or people I trust to talk about these things to – and Truth be told my little fae, I love you dearly, but trying to ask the questions I need to, and not knowing what they are makes it incredibly difficult, because some days you are tight lipped at best about it…. through no fault of your own – I ask and you’ll answer, but I don’t even know WHAT I need to ask to get the answers I’m looking for or need.

With this all said, I never want to deny you absolute happiness, you have been more than I could ever ask for, and I am slowly trying to open up my thinking – and again playing catch up. You have more patience, love and understanding while I sort through this than I could have ever hoped for, and I Love you for it (and so much more).

Just some insight for you all into the thought struggle I have been having for a while….

Thank you my little fae, for never judging, being patient, attentive, loving and helping me grow, as a person, master, and sexual human being….this journey will take a while, but I’ll keep talking and sharing as long as you will listen.

Syn

BDSM and Anxiety

Anxiety.

A few people in my Fetlife circles have been talking about it lately, and being the flip side of the coin in a paring that deals with anxiety, I thought I should weigh in on BDSM and anxiety.

For myself, I have a mild form of social anxiety…but one that largely doesn’t effect me, I get very nervous meeting new people, but for the most part I can deal with it and doesn’t effect my day to day life. The introvert in me just needs time to recharge after.

Dot, however suffers from a more severe form. She has issues meeting people, and experiencing new social situations. We do however use our D/s relationship to our advantage in this situation.

We address her anxiety through the use of ritual and protocol, structure and ritual by nature breeds familiarity. Most people who suffer from anxiety fear change or deviation from the familiar, so as a couple if we can incorporate protocols and ritual we can take with us, then a dose of the familiar is not far behind, and it will ease her anxiety.

As an example, part of our protocols we use in day to day life, is that Dot is always to be on my left. Rarely does she stay on my right unless there are circumstances beyond our control. When we enter a new social situation Dot will always know I will be within reach of her to her right. We combine this with other protocols depending on both the situation/event and how bad her anxiety is likely to be. As far as ritual, we largely don’t have publicly obvious ritual – where a Master/slave dynamic may require the slave to present her Masters coffee with a small ritual, we may incorporate something more subtle: when we enter a new room and remove our shoes Dot will ensure they are lined up and pointing north to south. I should point out this particular ritual is something Dot did prior to us meeting, but I have embraced it as another ritual for Dot to feel more comfortable because she can control this part of the environment.

All in all anxiety can be a crippling issue if you let it, but if you work at it properly and use D/s and BDSM as a tool, then you can enhance and ease a delicate situation that can both effect you and your partner. D/s life, Vanilla it doesn’t matter – small rituals, protocols, and things that will make anxiety easier to manage are important.

So, do any of you, or your partners suffer from anxiety ? and if so, do you use anything from your BDSM toolbox to help ease it ?

Regards,

 

Syn