My Journey of Body Acceptance.

I’ve been trying to put words to this for a long time, at least a year, and honestly I’ve started and stopped more than any other writing I’ve ever done. I’ve been treading a line between trying to get my point across and not sounding whiney or judgemental, and because this topic is something you don’t hear about a lot, it’s been difficult, so I ask you to read on with an open mind.

There are a lot of things I was never taught about being a man as I grew up and matured. As a child I was raised by parents who were older than most, both chronologically, and mentally. My parents are Legit straight out of a 1950’s sitcom, innocent, judgemental and very strict. They use passive aggressive language and are constantly worried about “what others will think of us”. I was never close with my father. Even now as I am nearing my 40’s he still has no idea how to talk to me, and I am constantly compared to other men my age he associates with.

Which leads me to a recurring issue in my life – Body positivity.

Ever since I hit puberty I’ve been a big guy, I stopped growing at 5’9 and in high school I was a chubby 200lbs, where I stayed well into my mid 20’s. I didn’t do many sports other than martial arts, which was solely because I needed to stop getting beaten up. I was constantly compared to athletes and rich/popular kids, with the question: “don’t you want to be more like ‘so-and-so’?”. I grew up with undeveloped social skills and Poor nutrition, not from lack of money, but from food being used as “love”.

As I got older I started going to the gym after a health scare and managed to drop from 270 lbs to about 180, and then I contracted Bell’s Palsy and fell back into depression, and comfort food.

About this time, my girl and I made the choice to open our relationship up, So I did what I always do when something new happens in my life, I asked the advice of people I trusted who had knowledge of Poly and open relationships.

I talked to about 6 couples, people I trusted, and people I considered friends, and except for 1 pair, basically the advice I was given was “Well, the first thing and most important thing you need to do is lose some weight or no one will want you, if that’s not something you want to do, just be happy you have one person in your life that wants to touch your penis.”

Now, I have always struggled with Body image and self confidence because of my weight since the first time I asked out a girl and she laughed in my face and slapped me in front of half my graduating class. To say I was Crushed would be an understatement.

I’ve always Looked at my naked body with scorn and distaste, I fell into the trap of needing to look like a hollywood beefcake in order to attract partners, However I will say that I do understand some partners find my body type attractive, I love my girl, and she finds me sexy, and all of the other adjectives associated with it. At the time of our first date, I had no idea this would be the case though.

I digress.

Over the years I have been “trained” to expect rejection based on a multitude of things, from my body hair, to my weight, to my hobbies and interests. Because of this I always thought if I could just find that one insatiable slut (slut being used as a positive) that would just be forward enough with me I would end up becoming a completely different person. Self assured, confident, All of the things I perceive as problems would just change.

Let me tell you I was wrong.

When we opened our relationship, on top of the previously mentioned “advice”, I also read voraciously, and I think most would agree, in poly/open/swinging relationships a man definitely has a much harder time finding perspective partners, much more so in my case, as I had never successfully asked anyone out. Let me tell you, I got scared, Really scared, I thought I would lose my girl, who I love as much as I love breathing. My body image issues were what I pinned all my insecurities on, I again thought – if I could just get a 6 pack, or bigger biceps it would some how mask my lack of self confidence, or make up for (what I perceived as) sexual shortcomings.

I got Mad.

Anyone that tells you rage and spite aren’t great motivators hasn’t met me. I made a choice to get back in the gym, I caved and grew out my beard, and started working towards my “Perfect Physique”.

The rage and spite came from my own brain, and imagined perceptions, I thought my girl would find someone younger, more physically fit, bigger cock, better dressed, and I needed to worry about a female presenting partner providing things I had no chance of. On top of that I knew my social anxiety and body image issues would prevent me from approaching Attractive humans from a potential partner standpoint, so if I caught someones eye physically I hoped they would approach me, and I could not have to worry about initiating contact.

DO NOT DO THIS.

There are two Quotes that hold some value here before I continue that I would like to share:

“Always be happy, never be satisfied” – A vanilla friend

“Discipline always trumps motivation. Motivation is about emotion and too many times, we rely on emotion to raise our performance. Unfortunately, this can quickly wear you down and if you aren’t motivated, lead to lackluster or missed training sessions. Discipline doesn’t care how you feel, what the weather is or if you’ve had a bad day. Discipline will carry the strong. Discipline will drive success. Discipline doesn’t need a “hype” video or loud music.” – Jim Wendler.

Both of these Quotes are in the context of powerlifting/training, however I find a lot of that advice is relevant to much more.

If I wanted real, lasting change, I needed to be happy with my body – but not satisfied, because of that I needed long term discipline to effect real change. My motivation was exactly what I have detailed in the monolith that is this writing, but in order to be disciplined I needed a real tangible goal, (and honestly a less destructive and shallow one).

So that is where I am currently, I am learning to be happy with my body, and work on my long term aesthetic goals – I have managed to narrow it down. A six pack for me isn’t a realistic goal, I like burgers and scotch too much, I am not a nice person when I buckle down to eat/live like I would have to to achieve that. Instead My goal is to get a “Muscle Bear” look, and be physically strong enough to manhandle anyone I want. I’ve also started to try and stop placing my self worth on my physical and sexual appeal.

Now that you have read this, I offer some insight and advice. Men/male identifying humans are just as subject to body image issues as anyone else, but no one talks about it, it’s a form of weakness. We fall into the “social media” traps of perfection, and for some of us, it shakes us to the very core with no one to talk to or articulate our feelings to. There are many groups, websites and places to see this in action. We hurt, we have broken confidence because of it, and sometimes we need help building ourselves up.

Male Humans: Be who you are, be happy with how you look, and if you’re not – don’t change for the wrong reasons like I started, change because you WANT TO, if you try to change for others, you’re doomed to failure, and being trapped in an unhealthy spiral of pleasing people who do not know what a fucking rockstar you are. Do things that make you feel confident, don’t mistake others validation for confidence, it’s not, and not healthy.

Somewhere along the way I realized the things my girl said to me were my truth, not the lies my brain created trying to chase approval. All it takes is one person to see the things you don’t, and more often than not, you should listen to them, the positives they see are generally the truth.

Regards,

Syn

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Sexual Shame, Kink, and Starting Points.

I was a Virgin until I was 19.

Up to that point I didn’t even really know about masterbation, and the one time I tried I got caught by my mother which ended in a screaming fit from her about being “dirty” or somesuch, I don’t really remember.

My first real time having sex was unremarkable and unmemorable, and to be honest while I remember her(we dated for 2 or 3 years), and flashes of having sex, the first time in particular I don’t.

My third partner however, I won’t ever forget her, She was also my first blowjob sometime around the age of 22. The reason(s) I won’t ever forget her start with trauma and end with it too. The first time I came from oral sex I was unprepared, I didn’t know what to expect, and truthfully I didn’t warn her, because I didn’t know that was a thing. When I came, she immediately popped up and promptly spit my own cum back in my face, and proceeded to yell at me while rinsing with mouthwash, and, as she put it “get the filthy shit out”of her mouth.

That relationship was my “sexual awakening” I spent 5 years with her, and I was domestically abused, raped, and cheated on. Not to mention forced to sleep on my own couch without sex for close to 2 years before I finally managed to convince my family to come get me and bring me 4 hours to my home city.

During those 5 years, I was on my computer a lot when not working, and found Kink through websites like Wasteland, ICQ and Old message boards that have been long closed. The first time she ever caught me watching porn (kinky porn no less) she told each and every one of my friends I was a disgusting pervert who wanted to abuse her but lacked the balls so I had to jack off to disgusting porn instead of fucking her like a real man.

Once I got home, my pattern of picking sexually repressed and abusive partners continued, One couldn’t come from intercourse so used toys, and basically used me to facilitate a threesome between her and our female friend, where I was promptly completely ignored. I had one other partner during that time, and my rape at her hands resulted in the birth of my son, I was used as a sperm donor and shortly after we found out we were pregnant she went back to her Ex-bf who was unable to conceive.

I’m sharing all of this for a reason. It’s not pity, and it’s not for hope of some sort of epiphany – it’s to illustrate that once I was in a healthy, openly communicative and supportive relationship the shame took over, and still influences my life to a degree. I didn’t know how to talk to women (still don’t lol), and I damn sure didn’t know how to talk about the things I wanted to experience.

Sexual shame is a learned behavior, and not something men talk about a lot, nor the root causes. We tie far to much self worth into sexual performance, penis size and forget to just seek out experiences.

We enter this world for a multitude of reasons, Community, Sex, S&M, education, exploration, the list goes on. We always say solid communication and sharing is the key to making a kinky/authority transfer relationship work, but I say why stop there? Why can’t we have those tough conversations with other men and male identifying people? Why can’t we share those snippets of ourselves for information purposes?

In the end we need to start having these conversations so we can start living a sex positive existence, but doing so in a healthy, respectful and informative manner – We might just end up creating a space where BDSM, and alternative sexual expression is celebrated, rather than shunned.

Regards,

Syn

For the Alliance – MMO’s and Kink Compersion.

Ever since I was young I’ve played video games, both competitively and recreationally. It’s just part of my life, who I am, and no small part of my self care.

One of the biggest online games I ever played was World of Warcraft (WoW), it’s a fantastic world with no shortage of things to do, from questing/leveling to Player versus Player, an in game economy, and the really big draw: Raiding.

Now when I started playing, I was coming over from a Player Vs. Player Driven MMO I was incredibly serious about – I was also very good at it. I tackled WoW with the same optimization fervor that I had in my previous game. I spent a whole day researching what Race to pick based on the Class I wanted to play to get the best synergy I could.

I started playing and leveling with a friend, and quickly realized the closer I got to the raiding and “end game” that I was woefully ignorant of mechanics, Gear and other things that set the “serious” players apart from the casuals. So I sought to inform myself, I read a lot, I did a lot of trial and error, and I sought out guilds (groups of players with a common purpose) with a heavy focus on raids and raiding. This is where I found my First guild: Advent Children. I met some of the oldest and longest Friends I ever had there – From Kithus the surly fucker from Boston, to Lecithin the (then) 14 year old girl who was one of the top players in the guild. These people and Samma (my mentor) basically elevated my knowledge, game play and became some of my closest friends. Over the years some left, some came back, and we found new people that shared similar goals.

This might seem an Odd thing to write about in a BDSM context, however, I have to admit as a I progressed in my years as a newbie, to a veteran raid leader, to part of a top 50 world progression guild. I learned a few life lessons too.

The Great part about MMO’s as well as communities is that you have so many people inhabiting the same spaces, however for different reasons. There’s PvP’ers, Raiders, achievement whores, Auctionhouse superstars, The list continues. As a raider I sort of stood apart from the rest of the community, My entire existence online was focused around my Role as a raid leader. Farming materials for raids, reading fight strategies and watching video’s, and showing up for 5 hour raid nights 5 times a week. Because of this I had very little in common with many casual players or other inhabitants of the game world. I rapidly out grew people I started playing with, along with members of other guilds on our server.

The Same can be said for the kink community. I want to explore, I want to do next level shit with others who want to do next level shit. Because of this, there are people I (or we) outgrow, or never connect with. This too, is OK. Social circles change, we progress around a different path, or simply take a different direction from those we were once close with.

Another thing I learned in my time in WoW, is that people will hate your successes, not everyone mind you, but enough. Let them hate – we used to have a saying “Are you paying for my subscription? No? well when you are, you can tell me how to play”. Over the years I was accused of everything from cheating, to running illegal programs, to bribing people to “carry me along” with real world money…. For the most part, your haters know fuckall about you beyond the story they’ve made up in their heads about you. Do you, the people who want to do epic shit with you WILL find you or vice-versa. The ones who choose to pick at you from the shadows or whisper in ears are generally just unhappy, jealous or just plain incapable of compersion of any sort.

In the end We, as members of this bdsm collective, are all here to participate in the amusement park of activities available to all of us. We all share common problems, issues, and interests. However, we don’t all get to be porn-stars, hardcore BDSM “legends”, or Fetlebrities, what we do get to be is anything we desire, why not gravitate towards people who will help you along that path, or at the very least let others who are doing what they want the fuck alone as long as the behavior isn’t damaging.

Politics, Influence peddling, and snide remarks aren’t going to enrich the culture we inhabit, Compersion and focusing on your own growth and journey will. You just might get lucky enough to find a guild, tribe,family that shares your passion for improvement.

Regards,

Syn

Authority Transfer and Personal Style.

Over the years I have had a fair few people comment on how Dot and I don’t seem to be in an authority transfer…. I’ve heard various forms of horse shit: everything from she tops from the bottom, to We “play” at being power exchange.

Let me be perfectly clear: I don’t give a fuck what you think about our authority transfer, it functions well for us, AND we’ve managed almost 11 years together so we must be doing something right. However, it does give me an opportunity to explain somethings about myself as a Master.

Most importantly I am a Macro-manager, not a micromanager. What that means is if I give you a task, as long as you aren’t going against my morals or beliefs to get it done, I don’t care HOW you do it, I just want it done. For example, I don’t know a damn thing about women’s fashion, what I do know is that for certain events Jeans, Ugg’s and a scarf won’t cut it, So by all means, dress yourself for the occasion, ask my opinion on an outfit but don’t lay out your whole wardrobe for me to choose from. If I have something specific I want you to wear, I will tell you.

Similarly, if I want coffee, just bring me a coffee, I personally don’t need elaborate coffee service or you to kneel while presenting it, the faster I get my caffeine the safer it is for all involved.

I don’t believe in obvious or grand gestures of Dominance or submission. In our day to day the girl and I look like any other couple out in the muggle world. our rituals and protocols are damn near invisible. For example, when we are out for food or another public venue, the girl is free to go to the bathroom or leave my line of sight as long as she asks, but in order to get up from the table for the final time, I stand first and offer my hand, then she knows it is acceptable for her to get up and prepare to leave. To the average person I just look like I am being chivalrous, We have had a few older couple comment how rare it is to see such a “gentlemanly offer”. It is a near imperceptible display of control, but it speaks volumes about who is in charge. In addition, the girl will wait for permission or a subtle nod from me before eating, even if I am off in the bathroom when the food arrives.

The other part people seem to take issue with, is that I don’t involve myself in her outside relationships. My girl and I are both Poly, and Open. Because of this, she and I are free to explore outside relationships with the understanding that if OUR dynamic and stability are threatened we will have a conversation. Other than this, I don’t control who or how she has a relationship with. That’s just selfish and toxic. What sort of precedent would I be setting if any time she went to have sex with another partner I required her to call me to ask to orgasm? Or what to eat with them, or how to spend money on a date?

Lastly, many people seem to be under the mistaken impression that since I deliberately do not control certain things in my Authority transfer I am somehow less dominant over the girl. As a few examples – SHE controls the money for the house, I am bullshit with money and she’s waaaay smarter in that regard than I am. I like owning my own home, I would like this to continue, so the girl sets the budget, controls the bills and how we pay them, and I get a bit of a “allowance” at my own request. I let her Dictate also what she is capable of for play -she can tell me “not today please, Sir” and surprise – I listen. Dot is going through some changes and mild health concerns and can’t always handle what I am able to dish out, so SHE is in charge of telling me how she feels, what she can handle, and whether we are a go for play or not. Why? because I don’t want to break my toys in case I misread how she is feeling that day.

Now, I am by no means saying this is a how to, or even that people who follow more ritual driven protocols are in the wrong. Quite the contrary, I think that too many people focus on “popular” methods of authority transfer, and most think anything other than their style is somehow inherently wrong. I’m here to tell you that after many years of experimentation, and no small amount of fuck ups, that whatever works to reinforce your Dominance, submission and personal style is perfectly OK and acceptable as long as it’s consensual.

Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.

Regards,

Syn

Sex Positivity For Men.

One of the big issues I mentioned in a previous writing regarding toxic masculinity was sex positivity and male body image.

I’ll admit as the urge to write this struck me, I was at a bit of a loss. Traditionally I haven’t talked about sex much, it’s uncomfortable for me. As I have mentioned before I was raised in an environment where you NEVER talked about sex, masterbation, or even what sort of porn I watch. This trend was not just my parents, but the people I grew up around, and dated.

I find even now in kink positive spaces, or other places claiming to be sex positive, Male sexual desires are not spoken of much at all. Sure, you’re liable to read a fetish list, or erotica, or even some “fuckit” list, however the realm of female sex positivity has the lock down on really talking about activities, practices and “how-to’s”.

I’m sure out in more mainstream social media sites you’ve at some point seen the meme or post that goes “Men only want one thing and it’s fucking disgusting”. So my question is this, if you claim to be sex positive, no matter your gender identifier – how often do you call this out as hypocritical bullshit? Or for that matter ANYTHING that shames men as sexual beings? I know plenty of women who State that if a man has a Dick pic as a profile picture on Fetlife not to bother messaging, and then off they go to comment their appreciation about a magnificent cock on someone else’s profile pic. Are we prepared on a whole to call out that behavior?

I feel I have to explain something before I continue. I am not saying that you shouldn’t call out a random dick in your DM’s/inbox or someone pressing sexual fantasy on you out of the blue, however I think on a whole we should encourage discussion of sexual fantasy, positivity and conversation, WHEN IT IS RELEVANT.

So here are a couple of questions for the hive mind I would like to present for discussion or at least reflection.

If you are sex positive, is it all or nothing? Are you only willing to have those conversations about male sex positivity etc, if you find that person physically attractive?

Do you think it’s creepy for men to be direct or upfront about sexual desire and activity, even if it’s something you personally don’t find tickles your pickle?

Do you think there is a double standard in sex positive circles? When women or female presenting individuals discuss explicit sex it’s “hot or sexy to be slutty” but is the reverse true? if the average man discusses those same things, do we encourage discussion or appreciation in the same way?

Finally, How do you think that we, as sex positive humans, can encourage a more balanced view on sex positivity across the gender spectrum? or do we even need to?

Personally I think we have a bit of work to do in normalizing sex positivity across the board for all gender expressions, however I think the most work we have is with Het CiS men like myself, I know the lgbtq2+ communities have their own work to do in this regard, but honestly I am not equipped to speak on those things, nor would I feel comfortable doing so.

Regards,

Syn

Patterns.

I’ve written a bit about energy exchange in the past, and the give and take that people have both in the lifestyle and in day to day life. Using positive and negative energy to our advantage or detriment is something that, if you’re unaware of, can dictate your success or failures with partners or even your chosen role.

Which brings me to something I’ve been reflecting on for the last little bit.

Patterns.

Humans thrive on patterns, whether you believe it or not. We hear it every day “They had a pattern of behavior”, “A pattern of abuse”, and other patterns. The trick is recognizing them and learning how to break a negative pattern.

Personally, many moons ago, I had a pattern of the type of partner I would seek out, and honestly I didn’t even realize it at the time. Looking back it’s very clear.

Abusive partner I could “save” them from? Check.

Minimal work on Loving themselves or self eteem? Check.

unhealthy coping skills? Check.

Vapid, Jealous, and mentally or physically abusive? Check.

Now all these things aside, I had my own issues to deal with, which I have gone into at length elsewhere – The important part was realizing my pattern and trying to break it.

Originally I placed the blame for my patterns squarely on others, it’s so much easier to blame others for your circumstances than put the work in to change them. In the end, the truth of the matter is that -I- was (and am) the common denominator.

I took the initiative to change my thinking, and really analyze how I deal with people and situations.

Am I being true to myself?

Am I openly and honestly communicating my needs, wants, and desires?

Am I seeking relationships that will enrich my life and help with personal growth?

Do the people in my life add anything of value, be it joy, friendship or companionship?

Am I being honest with myself about what kind of person I am?

Are my interpersonal/coping skills the problem?

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” – Marcus Aurelius

On the path of mastery one of the greatest things I ever made peace with was the fact that human beings on a whole are imperfect by nature (or nurture). I might not be able to control how they choose to act, live, and respond, However, I can choose to compromise with them.

Does my Partner make me happy? Hell yes she does, she adds to my life and my journey, but she does NOT define it, or control it. I see too much of people saying BDSM or power exchange “makes them whole”, or defines them, or their partner is used to define who they are as a person.

I used to think my partner, and my friends defined who I was as a person – that isn’t so, They do enrich my life, and expose me to a connection of something bigger than myself, however, at the end of the day I am the one responsible for my own joy, happiness, and how I view and interact with the world.

Dominant or submissive, it shouldn’t matter, YOU must strive to be the best PERSON you can be, not a label, and not relying on others to define you as a person. If that is the pattern you find yourself in perhaps it’s time to break it.

Patterns can be positive or negative but if you’re caught in a cycle of drama, destructive relationships, or even a cycle that stunts your growth, the only limiting factor is you.

YOU control your fate:

Not your Family.

Not your Friends.

Not your Dominant or Submissive.

Take the responsibility to analyze your patterns, and change them if you need to, ask for help, find a mentor, do what you need to.

Be authentic, be true to yourself, be courageous enough to break the patterns, and courageous enough to stop pointing fingers and start changing yourself for the better.

Regards,

 

Syn

Lets Create Something.

So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about something a few people have said to me.

“I couldn’t handle the way you play, I’m not ready for that level.”

I’m paraphrasing, but you get this gist.

The public play that most are exposed to are Dot and I together and truth be told I beat the hell out of her, because We like it. I’m a sadist and she is (among other things) my masochist. Canes, heavy rough body play, blood, spit, the list goes on. It’s hot as hell and we both need the release. However, what people don’t see is the softer side, or less physical activities.

Sensory Deprivation and sensation play, Needles and Needle play, mind fucks, Spanking, forced orgasms and orgasm denial, service, and bootblacking, the list goes on.

I’m adept at much more than just rough body play and other more violent and fucked up activities, I LOVE getting responses, whimpers, facial expressions, gasps, giggles and the connection that comes with it.

Too much I see people pigeonholed into one thing being their thing – the whip person, the rope person, the toy whore, the knife person. I am more than just a one trick pony, I truly believe that connection over a shared activity is much more important than the intensity of the activity, it’s about creating something together that is fun, satisfying, and beautiful together.

Before allowing yourself to pigeonhole someone, or being pigeonholed, I’d highly advise you look beyond a list of fetishes, or your preconceived notions about them. I for one hope that people realize I’m not just the heavy body play/cane guy, I have a whole world of other BDSM activites I enjoy and am quite proficient at. I want to share that with people and help create something we can both carry with us forward.

Regards,

 

Syn