Hellcats, Fae’s, and learning to Poly.

I recently started a writing to try and recap everything that has gone on since the birth of our triad with my little fae and My Hellcat(I know she felt like a wolf in my head when we started this, but things have changed, and so has her Moniker). I now realize that that attempt would be futile, and not do justice to it in the least.

So instead, how about a look at right now ?

I just got back from a short walk in a light, post-downpour rain. I needed a Cigar, the vape wasn’t strong enough, and the Biting taste and feel of it in my lips is helping a bit.

My fae and my cat are having some time (and probably a coffee) together before my cat returns to the city. We all had some very heady, intelligent and frank conversation about likes, dislikes, Limits and our future together, both as pack, and as a TPE triad. I have (and I hope my two other thirds have) a much clearer picture for the future, and where we are going to go, and start our journey from.

So – The insight I promised.

I went for the walk for two reasons, I really wanted that cigar, AND the house is suddenly Deafeningly quiet. For two days I’ve had both of them under my roof, and with me. The conversations, Play, laughs and overwhelming rightness has been enough to have me on a high for the last 48 hours.

A few things I’ve realized since dipping into the poly arena – I truly hope all together is our default, it feels right having us together laughing, sharing jokes, and even cuddling.

I value the one on one time with Both of them. My Cat and My fae are very very similar, but very very different just the same, and both are brilliant. Time with either is time more than well spent, From my Cat’s neverending (and more than welcome) questions, to my little fae’s ability to know -just- what I need at just the right time, they both do their best to take care of me in their own way, and I am honored to do the same.

It’s been a few hours since they left, and the cigar is now long done. My cat was told to message me when she starts her trip out of the city so I know when she leaves, and message me when she arrives home – The storm is passed here, but she will be driving into it and I worry.

My little fae will likely message when her Miss drops her off, and I am anxious to here from her, her drop was starting to set in, and I am worried about her, as always. My cat took her for coffee not only to have some time with her, but also (I think) in her own way provide some more after care for her after a scene from last night that was our first time ALL playing together.

The care shown to our little one from her makes me very happy to know we have found someone that values her as I do.

I know my cat is still unsure of a few things, however I hope that in time, the last of these reservations fall away, and she, I and our little one can become as close as my little fae and I have been for these last 6 years.

I could write more – but even the writing isn’t helping at the moment – the drop is making it hard to focus. I will wait to hear from my other thirds, and then perhaps things will start to get better.

Maybe this is drop, maybe I just miss the hell out of them both, maybe it’s the same thing ?

Regards,

Syn

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A Vulnerability, and Being Oblivious.

No one really “loves” talking about personally hard subjects, it’s perhaps the greatest taboo out there, vulnerabilities are things people tend to play close to the chest, however since this blog and cyber-space in general affords us some anonymity some are a little more free to talk about them.
Since this is one such avenue for me, that’s precisely what I want to write about today…One of my vulnerabilities. If in your eyes it will make you see me as less, or not a true Master/Dominant ¬†personality, then please, come back for my future posts and give this one a pass. Before you go however I want to share this quote which may entice you to stay or at the least understand why I am writing this.

“I want to be a man who is truthful and who won’t let pride get in the way of my ripping myself open to my partner and saying, ‘Here I am. This is me.’ I feel there’s something powerful when a man reaches a point in his life when he can be completely vulnerable.” Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson

I’ve never been what you’d call suave, or confident when it comes to meeting women I find attractive, in fact I tend to get nervous, tongue tied , and quiet. My little fae can tell you that 90% of the time that is not me at all, I usually have my shit together, and have no problems matching anyone in conversation.

I’ve always been very self conscious, I’m a big man, I stand 5’9 and 220lbs, and I have body hair I refuse to remove, and although I look overweight I can deadlift a small car (after a few years of powerlifting). I come from a time when my love of video games, Sci-fi/fantasy and comic books/graphic novels we not trendy or cool. I will likely be remembered as the kid who when he asked a girl to prom got kneed in the groin and walked away from. I don’t constantly relive these things, but I do carry them with me. Because of these things I often gravitated towards ANY woman that would have me, even if those women were train wrecks. I’ve only ever asked one woman out in my life, and it was the girl in high school, there may be one other that had a similar result when I was much younger, but it’s too foggy for me to recall properly.

I cannot read women, at all – they might as well be aliens for all the good it does me, I can read the body language of a cat a million times better. Not to say I can’t recognize flirting from a woman, I just can’t recognize it when it’s directed at me. My little fae chuckles at this and has assured me that since we have been together there have been multiple women that have, and I am completely oblivious to.

The reason I have mentioned all of this is (not so) simple.

As someone on a path of mastery, to me, that means continually improving myself and striving to be better at whatever I set my mind to. Maybe not an expert, but better.¬† How does this relate in any way to TPE and BDSM ? Well, as I mentioned, my little fae and I have been looking (not actively but our eyes are open) for a woman to join us in a Triad dynamic, not to “fix” anything, but to add to what we have already in a positive manner. My little fae is Bisexual, and misses women – and after some lengthy conversations W/we both think that having a woman who is submissive to me, but Dominant to her could enrich our lives. This would need to be an equal partnership, and have her be as much ‘mine’ as she is my little fae’s. In that it would stave off jealousy and problems that would arise from trying to steal a partner or some other situation 3 parts of a whole as it were.

In the interim of finding that Triad, I figure I’ll need to discuss this next thought further with my little fae (Hear that ? coffee topic tomorrow :P) , but I believe we’ve settled on finding at the very least a Female for play/ a threesome(?) if not more. One in particular if my current train of thought is right.

So what the fuck is the problem, you ask ?

Like I said, I’m fucking clueless when it comes to women, how do I know if I’m on the radar, or since they want to play with my slave they’ll ‘tolerate’ me ? I have issues in my own head to work through regarding my case of being-a-bitch-itis.

Confidence is sexy, thats what I always hear…and I AM confident as a D-type on my path of mastery, My (current) dynamic and what I want, but how do I get past my head fucking it up ? Or at least to the point where I am not second guessing all the goddamn time. It does get annoying that I am clueless when it comes to women, it’s a miracle my little fae found me after so many years, and suggested the coffee, as I said, when I went to kiss her the first time in my head it was a crap shoot as to whether or not she was going to shove me away until out lips connected, even though she looks incredulous I couldn’t tell she was interested.

So, there you have it, horrible secret ? destruction of the Idea that I am in fact a D-type personality ? or are some of the other D-types out there shaking their heads at me ? Any thoughts, comments or advice is welcomed from whoever….. I could use some.

 

Regards, and in the Spirit of Leather,

 

 

 

Syn.