Sadly my computer has met with an untimely death, so for a while I have to go back to vlogging…
Personal growth is a funny thing, for years I raged against it, I was comfortable in complacency, I didn’t want to move forward and leave my comfort zone. In all honesty when I was younger I needed that, a safe place to rebuild myself after years of self neglect, abusive relationships, and addiction.
As of late myself and my little fae have taken steps to move forward with not only our life together (much more on that later), as well as our lifestyle goals and what we wish to become as Leather People.
Sadly, we’ve decided we need to focus those efforts outside of our province – don’t get me wrong, we love our little community here, however it seems to be the same old at almost every event we go to, some are better than others, and I do understand that at public events we are kneecapped with what we can do based on public decency laws etc. It does also seem like most use their bdsm knowledge and reputations more as social currency and less as something for enjoyment and satisfaction. I refuse to be a part of that line of thinking.
It seems as though a lot (not all) scenes at events are “beats” AKA -I’ll just hit you with shit until you safe-word on me, or my appendages get tired. I know there are private events out there that are sex-positive, full of Leather, sex, Violence and could show us we are not alone, and maybe teach us a few things in the process. As of yet we haven’t managed to get an invite to any of these events, and even if we did, our distance from the bigger city makes attendance difficult at best.
So for me, what do I want to learn, experience and indulge in?
- CuckQueaning, with a focus on degradation and humiliation. Both Dot and I find this is something we want to experience together, although we do want another s-type to join our house, a casual partner willing to be our cuckcake would alsofit nicely and feed my desire to experience a healthy (and longer lasting) poly dynamic.
- Cigar Play/Service. Years ago I was a budding cigar aficionado. I enjoyed the learning process, and preparation to enjoy a good Cigar and Scotch, Combine that with play and I’m all in.
- Fear Play/Mindfucks – Something we already dabble in, I like crawling around inside the dark spaces in someones head and see what shakes loose, tears and screaming are hot as fuck. As long as I can put them back together after.
- Bootblacking and bootplay/worship – My little fae is a bootblack and thus far we have used it mostly for leather care with very little play involved – she wishes to pursue this and get back to where she was with bootblacking previously, and if we can incorporate play with that, even better.
These are just a few things I/we want to learn, see, experience and watch. Many of these types of play are found in bigger cities in Canada, so that is where we will go. The Leather Community in our province does have some of this knowledge, and as I said we’d love to pick their brains, however that would require travel and a time cost we may not be able to commit to easily.
Just a few thoughts, and perhaps making some of my goals more of a reality by putting them in words.
Just a random gripe I wanted to put into words.
I notice more and more “Dominants and Masters” (Note the Quotes) – seem to be becoming more full of themselves and obnoxious as time goes on, normally I would simply sigh, and let it pass. However, I also notice more and more people justifying their behavior, approach and lack of humility by not only encouraging BUT having these fucking people present on topics they are at best a beginner in.
Notably, one such individual was given an audience at an event where they proceeded to fumble through even rudimentary technique, and the touted as a local authority. I I quietly asked some questions of attendees, and have first-hand knowledge of the way they do things. I should point out that this particular topic is something I WILL consider myself a Master of, and I must say, I wouldn’t even consider them a novice in terms of skill.
This has further bolstered their ego and made them even more obnoxious than I previously thought. There was no humility in their acceptance of accolades, instead, the resulting interactions I have seen remind me more of high school jocks slapping each other on their back after they’ve shoved a nerd in a locker.
Perhaps this is how is needs to be done?
Maybe I am wrong in being quiet, somewhat demure, and remaining un-noticed?
Or maybe some “masters” should work more on keeping their raging ego in check and working more on improving their slave, rather than using “celebrity” to fuck anything that walks.
Sorry for the rant, but shit pisses me off.
Recently I was thinking about some things in relation to the lifestyle and how things differ from vanilla dating, which of course led me to thinking about certain things that seem to be headed the way of the vanilla. One in particular stood out to me, and I think I’m going to take a moment and dive into it a little further.
Why is it, when you hear Masters talk about the old days a large portion of that was slaves/submissives approaching the Master to petition service, and yet today that seems almost nonexistent?
Don’t get me wrong I understand that evolution will happen, but extinction of a practice that makes so much sense in the last years seems odd to me. Especially in a Power Exchange context.
I suppose the technosexual era we appear to be living in is at least partially to blame. Look at vanilla dating, more and more websites are the way to go to find a potential partner. Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, even Adult Friend Finder; Swipe, click and cycle through multiple potential dates in seconds. Aesthetics and shallow “about me’s” are the signposts people use to streamline and (in my opinion) cheapen the getting know you process.
I am starting to see this more and more in the Power Exchange circles as well, I see and hear multiple cries of “fake dom!”, “pseudo-sub!”, etc. So my question is this: Why, in something as important as finding a permanent D-type, are submissives complacent in actively “shopping” themselves around?
Think of finding a potential Master like applying for a job, you find a company you want to work for, so you do your research, tailor your resume, approach the company with your resume, and then (hopefully) Have an interview to assess compatibility, both for you as a perspective employee, and they, as a potential employer.
This is the essence of the petition – Lets use myself as an example. I am a Master (in that I own a slave), Very well versed in rough body play, mind fucks, and have a disciplinarian approach to power exchange. I own a slave already who has multiple years in the lifestyle, is more than adept at domestic duties, all forms of service, and boot blacking. All of these things are discernible from our profiles on Fetlife and WordPress blogs. So, you see something that you wish to learn, be a part of, or are interested for other reasons. Do you have an inventory of BDSM and life related skills? Yes? Good!
At this point it’s on you to make you intentions known that you wish to petition, generally with goals for the relationship in mind. I can offer x,y,z skills to the house/relationship in turn for learning x,y,z skills from you. Sex? negotiated. S&M play? negotiated. S-type Role? Negotiated. Have what amounts to an interview to assess compatibility on both sides of the equation, and then the consideration phase could begin.
Now I know right now, out there someone, or multiple someones, are reading this and thinking “What the fuck? that’s too much work! You’re a self important douchecanoe.” So I ask you this simple question – Do you value yourself, your skills, and want what you have to offer be the focus of a relationship, rather than having (or being) arm candy and a quick rough fuck? (which are completely fucking awesome too, if that’s the basis of the arrangement). I hear so many people bitching and pissing and moaning that they have more to offer a partner than just nice tits, or a big cock. Well petitioning can PROVE it. Prove you wish to learn, improve, and work on goals as part of a relationship.
In the process some very hot S&M, Sex, and general debauchery is bound to happen. It’s not always the job of the D-type to find you, be proactive and go find what YOU want, because you know better than anyone else what you have to offer and what you want out of a potential Master. If you wait for them to find you, you’re liable to have a string of ill fitting D-types (read: Fake), or be able to weed them out before wasting your time, and vice-versa.
Just some thoughts.
We are back from our trip to the city for yet another event, and while I had something completely different set to be written, after a conversation with my little fae, I feel this needs to take precedence, and in writing it, may end up being more therapeutic than the original idea I had.
Bear with me, this is going to be long, emotional and hard as fuck for me to get through because I’m going back many years – and unearthing things that need to be unpacked to help me move further along my path.
I have a few undesirable traits that I need to get rid of in order to move further along my path of Mastery, and self-growth, but I’ll be damned if I know how to deal with them, or even if my fear of letting go of them will ALLOW me to.
In my early twenties, I was a very vulnerable person. I had a lifetime of wearing my heart, emotions, and thoughts on my sleeve. As a result, I was taken advantage of in my life by just about everyone, I have no one to blame but myself – “What you allow will continue” – and it did.
It continued, and I developed coping mechanisms and cultivated personality traits to shield myself from the hurt. I drank, heavily – more to allow my brain to stop with the anxiety and to possibly connect with people I wouldn’t connect with because of my shyness and low self-image.
The personality traits I cultivated are really the issue here, and I will address the why and what of them individually – as to move forward requires honesty and disclosure as a start.
I cultivated a fake sense of Superiority – Rather than becoming better at something, or working towards it, I was always at the top of my game, I created a fake confidence to shout down the voice that (sometimes still) screams in the back of my head that I am worthless, inept and “playing” at whatever it is I am dealing with. To this day even though I help facilitate MAsT in this area, I can’t help but manufacture confidence in the material rather than have the confidence come naturally. I manufacture fake confidence through ego in a great many things – even sometimes where the confidence SHOULD be genuine. Ego also caused me to become detached from the very people I reached out for, eventually, I withdrew into self-importance and sabotaged (unknowingly) my attempts to connect with people.
“When we remove ego, we’re left with what is real. What replaces ego is humility, yes—but rock-hard humility and confidence. Whereas ego is artificial, this type of confidence can hold weight. Ego is stolen. Confidence is earned. Ego is self-anointed, its swagger is artifice. One is girding yourself, the other gaslighting. It’s the difference between potent and poisonous.”
― Ryan Holiday,
If Ego is the Toxicity, and Humility replaces Ego. how do I start to deconstruct a carefully crafted ego built with 20 years of care and exactness designed to keep me safe? I find it hard to be humble, truth be told I know I have moments of humbleness, and then they’re gone, as quick as the come. Like just now. I read this passage of and I realized, by acknowledging, I have moments of humbleness, I am letting ego take over because in actuality I shouldn’t have to point it out. Fuck.
I can be a vain creature in many things, and that started at an early age (and in a different capacity continues to this day). I am constantly considering what will people think? I can’t do that I’ll look idiotic, or sounds stupid, or any other manner of vain excuse to not do, say or communicate what I really think, feel, or want. Vanity has led me to self-sabotage, and stunted personal growth, and happiness. Vanity has also led me to a place where if I do manage to communicate these things, it is only under duress, a feeling of being threatened, or absolute and concrete necessity. It cuts me off further from others because I am scared of being seen as weak for needing help. Do as I say not as I do Goddamn it.
“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
― Tennessee Williams
Pride is something I struggle to find balance in, pride itself can be good, or bad, being Prideful is the problematic part. I take pride in few things but I am prideful about too much. Being prideful lends itself to an aura of arrogance, which, in my past was an excellent tool for keeping people at a distance. I still break that one out of the toy bag on occasion because it can help keep me out of situations or conversations where my vanity may be challenged. Pride in work well done is great, however too much pride in one’s image of self is another thing, it’s an odd dichotomy, I have a low self-image, but because I am prideful I cover showing that to most by self-deprecating humor. If they’re laughing -with- you, you can get out of saying anything of substance.
“A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.”
― C.S. Lewis
The last point to touch on can’t be “sub-headed” in one word and it is something I need to modify so I can bring it out of the dark place I buried it years ago behind a wall made of Bourbon and pain.
Cultivating healthy vulnerability.
A healthy vulnerability is something I -know- about, but I have a hard time putting it into practice – in today’s world vulnerability has very negative connotations – exposed, and defenseless are probably two very common words associated with vulnerability.
Healthy Vulnerability to me is a form of freedom. Freedom to live authentically, and rather than sharing personal insights, it is instead the freedom to show people the “real” you, quirks, imperfections, and all manner of imperfectly perfect life. The problem for me, and why I shoved that into a box and crammed it behind my metaphysical wall is I do not know HOW to accomplish being vulnerable in a healthy manner.
“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.”
― Madeleine L’Engle
In the Search for authenticity and Mastery of myself, these are my first steps, they are the biggest ones because they are what remains of a toxic mindset of a scared young man, who was ill-equipped for life, and scared to let go of toxic people for fear of being alone.
I’m not that person anymore, and I don’t want to be, I want to let go of it. So here I am writing this for someone who has extended the hand to help.
Most days I am beyond amazed that a woman like My little fae not only agreed to, but throws herself into her life with me. I’m not the easiest person to serve, and I know this – I can be demanding, harsh and sometimes I am overcome with my own past rearing it’s ugly head.
Skeletons are a motherfucker to deal with some days.
Other times I wish I could do more, be more, accelerate my personal growth in area’s I lack. I understand it’s a slow process, I also understand that I should take things at a mediated pace so that I don’t fall back into old patterns and archaic (to me) thoughts.
With a kinky event coming up, I am reminded of two things: One, My little fae is all I need.
Two: although I wish I (we) could find us another partner to share the fun, love, and general tomfuckery that is our lives, it happens when you least expect it…. I should feel blessed that at least someone we had been talking to, while interested, is not currently in a place she feels comfortable to commit to anything.
Our love life is amazing, and we are together – but the thought in my head to be more, do more is always there… like a persistent itch I can’t get rid of. dot has assured me she is happy – but I always feel as though I should do more to show her that I appreciate her service, love, devotion, and council.
Random thoughts, and scattered sentences… but I needed to write them out…. not bad for ten minutes at work, sadly solving and deciphering the mess that is my head will take longer.
I’ve been thinking and re-reading my old posts a lot lately, and I have to admit I’ve changed my view on quite a few things, my opinions and thoughts have evolved and therefore I think it’s high time I revisited some of my older posts and shared my updated thoughts.
So what’s first you might ask?
A topic near and dear to my heart: Leather.
In the past, I referred to it as Hetero Leather.
I don’t necessarily make that distinction now, and not because I think recognition of Gay and Lesbian Leather cultures detract and are somehow wrong. Just the opposite, in fact, I think recognition of the longstanding traditions and guiding principles are what will help us grow as Leatherfolk on a whole, and because of that, I’d like to think we’re all in this together, orientations are secondary.
I read SO MUCH trying to understand Leather, and it all led back to gay leathermen, and leatherwomen. I automatically assumed that as an (at the time) straight, CIS man there was no inlet for me into Leather culture. What a bunch of bullshit thinking that was. Thanks to some amazing people and their wisdom I think much differently now.
I’ve spent the majority of my time since then getting to know Leathermen, Leatherwomen, Boy’s, Girls. and all manner of Leatherfolk. One overriding thing I have learned is that Leather is what you make it. Guided by service, respect, honesty, loyalty, integrity and being an open-minded student of life in general.
Leather isn’t about being gifted Leather to wear (although that’s awesome too.)
Leather isn’t about what genitals you have, or what genitals you like to stick your genitals into (or have stuck in you.)
Leather isn’t about status or personal gain.
Leather isn’t something that fits in a nice neat little box.
So, going forward here – what is Leather as far as I am concerned?
Well here is what I consider to be my Leather path.
At its core Leather has close ties to sex, rough Leathersex, S&M, all manner of deviant shit, which I love, however it’s about being unapologetic about loving these things. It is who we are, it’s about wearing whatever gets you hot, and (within limits) Fucking or playing exactly how you want. I Love Beating ass, bruising the hell out of it and listening to the whimpers when I decide to fuck it. End of story, if I find a partner who likes being on the receiving end, and we go make that happen that’s Leather, you need not apologize or feel guilty for any of it.
It’s about being of service, both to people, and to your community. Give back, be an ear for a friend, tell them they’re being an idiot if they need it, buy them a beer, or a place to crash if shit has gone south, teach someone a skill. Give your time to your community, Support local groups, go to fundraising events, offer some time to volunteer. Be of use – Master, slave, it doesn’t matter: The highest form of humbleness comes from being of service to someone or something worthy of your effort.
Respect everyone who deserves respect. From the most wealthy CEO to the bartender keeping you in good booze – We all end up in the same sized box. The true measure of a Leatherperson is how you treat those who can do absolutely nothing for you. It can be as simple as a please and thank you to the kid at the front counter at McDonald’s, it’s the same please and thank you would give to the guy signing your cheques.
Be honest. Not only with the people you meet, be honest with yourself. Be honest about your strengths, your weaknesses. Be honest about every little part of yourself about who you are, who you want to be, and whether you are living a life that is authentically your own.
Be loyal to the people that deserve loyalty. I have Dot, our Leather family, and another house we are part of who have my implicit loyalty. All they have to do is ask, and if something is in my power it’s theirs. I would defend them to the ends of the earth because I trust they would do the same for me.
Integrity. This one is rather hard to quantify, integrity is different for everyone. Because I believe myself to be a person of integrity – I will do my utmost to conduct myself living as close to my morals, beliefs, and honor as a man of my word, because to me that is integrity.
I will never stop learning, never stop growing, stagnation is a slow death by doing nothing, Always better yourself, and move forward.
That is My Leather path.
In the end, it’s not about clothes or any one sexual orientation.
It’s about being unapologetically you, having a guiding set of principles, and living the fuck out of them every day.
So, here I am two and a half years later.
I have grown.
I have lived authentically.
I have evolved.
I have much still to learn and work on.
I have a Leather Path.
I hope you find yours if you are looking.