Authority Transfer and Personal Style.

Over the years I have had a fair few people comment on how Dot and I don’t seem to be in an authority transfer…. I’ve heard various forms of horse shit: everything from she tops from the bottom, to We “play” at being power exchange.

Let me be perfectly clear: I don’t give a fuck what you think about our authority transfer, it functions well for us, AND we’ve managed almost 11 years together so we must be doing something right. However, it does give me an opportunity to explain somethings about myself as a Master.

Most importantly I am a Macro-manager, not a micromanager. What that means is if I give you a task, as long as you aren’t going against my morals or beliefs to get it done, I don’t care HOW you do it, I just want it done. For example, I don’t know a damn thing about women’s fashion, what I do know is that for certain events Jeans, Ugg’s and a scarf won’t cut it, So by all means, dress yourself for the occasion, ask my opinion on an outfit but don’t lay out your whole wardrobe for me to choose from. If I have something specific I want you to wear, I will tell you.

Similarly, if I want coffee, just bring me a coffee, I personally don’t need elaborate coffee service or you to kneel while presenting it, the faster I get my caffeine the safer it is for all involved.

I don’t believe in obvious or grand gestures of Dominance or submission. In our day to day the girl and I look like any other couple out in the muggle world. our rituals and protocols are damn near invisible. For example, when we are out for food or another public venue, the girl is free to go to the bathroom or leave my line of sight as long as she asks, but in order to get up from the table for the final time, I stand first and offer my hand, then she knows it is acceptable for her to get up and prepare to leave. To the average person I just look like I am being chivalrous, We have had a few older couple comment how rare it is to see such a “gentlemanly offer”. It is a near imperceptible display of control, but it speaks volumes about who is in charge. In addition, the girl will wait for permission or a subtle nod from me before eating, even if I am off in the bathroom when the food arrives.

The other part people seem to take issue with, is that I don’t involve myself in her outside relationships. My girl and I are both Poly, and Open. Because of this, she and I are free to explore outside relationships with the understanding that if OUR dynamic and stability are threatened we will have a conversation. Other than this, I don’t control who or how she has a relationship with. That’s just selfish and toxic. What sort of precedent would I be setting if any time she went to have sex with another partner I required her to call me to ask to orgasm? Or what to eat with them, or how to spend money on a date?

Lastly, many people seem to be under the mistaken impression that since I deliberately do not control certain things in my Authority transfer I am somehow less dominant over the girl. As a few examples – SHE controls the money for the house, I am bullshit with money and she’s waaaay smarter in that regard than I am. I like owning my own home, I would like this to continue, so the girl sets the budget, controls the bills and how we pay them, and I get a bit of a “allowance” at my own request. I let her Dictate also what she is capable of for play -she can tell me “not today please, Sir” and surprise – I listen. Dot is going through some changes and mild health concerns and can’t always handle what I am able to dish out, so SHE is in charge of telling me how she feels, what she can handle, and whether we are a go for play or not. Why? because I don’t want to break my toys in case I misread how she is feeling that day.

Now, I am by no means saying this is a how to, or even that people who follow more ritual driven protocols are in the wrong. Quite the contrary, I think that too many people focus on “popular” methods of authority transfer, and most think anything other than their style is somehow inherently wrong. I’m here to tell you that after many years of experimentation, and no small amount of fuck ups, that whatever works to reinforce your Dominance, submission and personal style is perfectly OK and acceptable as long as it’s consensual.

Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.

Regards,

Syn

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Consideration: Like Test Driving for Power Exchange.

I recently decided to bring back an old tradition very few seem to practice anymore, and I’m not sure why more don’t.

Consideration.

In a power exchange relationship or at least the more traditional D/s or M/s dynamics there used to be a period of consideration which may or may not include a collaring. For myself it did not include a collar – for me a collar is a VERY special recognition of my belief that you will fit well into the lives of not only Myself, but my slave as well.

So what IS consideration?

To me (and from much that I have read) it is a period where an S-type requests to be considered for a permanent position (and collar) with a dominant. Now I would think that a slave or submissive would also want to check out the dominant. Think of this consideration phase like a test drive or (if you’re old enough) going steady. The submissive would be given rules to adhere to ([different or less than] the rules she would have as a fully collared S-type within the Master’s house). It allows the Master to evaluate the submissive – and see if the fit would work within his house, as well as setting up a rough plan for how to improve upon, and integrate her skills to fit his needs.

In the reverse, it is also a chance for the S-type to check out how the Master does things, and see if he would be a good fit for her goals as well. After all – a babygirl would have one hell of a time with a disciplinarian focused dominant and would not flourish, which if they’re both astute, they should realize quickly. It is also a chance for the submissive to prove to the Master she could also settle into a pecking order with other S-types and blend into service with them with as little disruption as possible.

For these reasons alone I think it is more than worth waiting to collar an S-type. How many times in vanilla life (or other kinky dating) did you get through  a month or two of dating and realize you were completely incompatible ? Probably made it difficult (or at least awkward) to break it off I’d assume?

If both parties go in KNOWING that this is the equivalent of a test drive, then there should be less hard feelings should one party decide the arrangement won’t be for them.

Now the consideration phase should still include things like first meetings, safe calls, and negotiation without any power imbalance. Setting guidelines amicable to both is paramount so that the consideration phase can have as high as possible of a chance of succeeding.

Most will also Adhere to this being a time when the S-type is essentially “off-limits” to other Dominants, as they are considering moving into a heavier commitment with the Dominant who is considering them. Some also impose a set period of time for the consideration phase, with renegotiation able to happen at the end of that period. Renegotiation could either be another consideration phase, or moving into a training collar.

To some this may seem antiquated or like “too much work” – however to me, and at this point in my life I have decided that it is neither. I have my slave, and I love her dearly, she proved, bled and earned her collar through service, hard work and PROVING she wished to give her all to me. Why should I accept less from a potential partner ? For one who truly wishes to join her and I on a journey, we will give her our all, so she should be prepared to pass the consideration period, and give as much as we will give in return.

Too many times I see “velcro” collars.

Oh you’re owned by so-and-so?

oh, that was last week ?

So you’re now owned by So-and-so?

Oh, that was yesterday ?

Today you’re owned by someone else?

This does not show me a true desire to submit, Defer and need anything but a fashion accessory around your neck for an ill percieved “status” symbol.

So why would I waste my time? I certainly wouldn’t waste yours.

 

In Leather,

 

Syn.

Fear and the Disciplinarian.

Recently as you may be aware, we have taken on a third into our dynamic. bubs is still new in the kink/Power exchange world, but is currently under consideration to be my submissive.

I can’t help but feel as though this is a test from whatever force you believe is directing us on this floating rock.

A test I feel as though I am barely keeping my head above water on.

I got incredibly lucky with dot – she had been in the lifestyle for many years, and was long since trained as a submissive when she met me, and as she reminds me she has the slave heart she has always been submissive minded, it is something you are born with.

With bubs she is new, and honestly I’ve never “trained” a submissive before…. So this is all undiscovered country with me. I’ve done my best to guide her towards making better choices, and teach her as much as I can about power exchange – along with trying to teach her how to be more assertive in life, and make healthier choices.

I suppose I take for advantage (in a way) that dot and I have come very far from where we were at bubs’ age, we’ve put in the work, had less than stellar pasts and come out of the other side of our crucible, stronger and with many more life lessons to draw on.

In a way I am envious of bubs…at her age I wasn’t quite done making my mistakes yet, and the spectacular ones were just starting to pile up. I think if I had come into the community earlier I might have found the part of me that was missing sooner….but as they say – everything happens for a reason.

Now, why do I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water in this situation ?

Part of this is my own doing.

bub’s and I had a conversation some time ago, about me not being as strict on her as I should (can) be, and I vowed that in order to be authentic and truthful to her I was going to tighten up and be as much of a disciplinarian with her as I am dot.

This has not been the case.

Up until now I’ve been scared… scared of scaring bub’s off because I can be a pretty demanding hard ass. I do it out of love but it can be way too much for some people, and I can’t help but think it was that raw part of me that scared off the hellcat as well…. I voiced these opinions to both dot and bubs and I was assured that was not the case.

So now what ?

Time to actually tighten up and start expecting more, if I fail to be the Master that I am, then I am not being authentic. That won’t gives bub’s the -real- me, and thats not fair to her…. Nor is it fair to dot because I don’t let her get away with anything, I should expect no less of anyone else joining our house.

Moving forward I WILL be tougher, not overly so, but I will make it comparative to what I expect of dot, it is fair, and to do less would lessen a TPE structure I have already built, and another one I am hoping to continue to build.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

Of Wolves, Men, and Mythical Creatures.

I don’t really know where to start with the last week, it has been a whirlwind of ups, downs and moving so fast I don’t know where the hell I’m going.

the week started off with a visit to the neighboring city  for the pride ball. When we arrived, we promptly ran into the woman we had met at the previous ball, you remember? The stunningly beautiful one that caused me to forget that I could talk.

My little Fae and I spent a good half an hour talking with her as we didn’t know anyone else really. At this point we decided to go upstairs to cool off as it was very hot. I figured our time was at an end.

Not so.

She asked if she could join us and didn’t leave our side(s) for the remainder of the night. After the ball was done, we were to get dinner with her and the organizers of the ball. At 3 a.m.we had figured that the organizers were stuck cleaning up, or had  headed to the location already. so we headed that way.They weren’t there so the three of us in fetish gear, (one of us in a trench coat for Modesty) had breakfast and talked till 530 in the morning.

Myself and dot reluctantly left, even though we were all falling asleep at the table.I don’t rightly know what happened after this that started it all, but the next week has been filled with trips to Winnipeg to see her, and her coming out to visit and spend a night here…Though these trips we have Sacrificed sleep, and talked for hours on end, like old friends catching up, it seems natural and comfortable – even the silences.

During this week as well, My little fae, and she went on a 12+ hour road trip down to the states, so that she could file her taxes, and she wanted company. Apparently there was conversation…. and A LOT of it.

So after a few days of rest, We headed back to the City – for the birthday of one of our Family. We managed to take Her with us….(you know what I’m tired of she and Her, for the duration, I will call her K). We stayed and chatted with the family, and Friends, Nods from Randilin, and Tamile regarding K, and then headed off to a diner to get some dinner and talk more.

Let me pause for a moment….

Up untill now I have been simply stating what happened, but to continue the story requires some insight into my head, and that of my little fae.

During the First point of this week, I went through a gambit of emotions when I realized what was happening – as I told my little fae, there was a Tingle in the back of my head, kind of like when I met her. Something felt right. We BOTH missed K when she was gone, hated when she left, and were already planning how to see her again. As such, I had a thought the one day we were walking through the mall texting with her…. I wanted to give her something, I mentioned this to my little fae, and she wholeheartedly agreed….for me the idea came easily – and off we went to a store  that does custom engraving.

My little fae and I picked out a 1941 brushed steel replica Zippo, and asked for her named engraved on the lid, along with a wolf on the body of the lighter. Working where I do it has benefits…. behind the counter of said store was one of the wives of my regulars….. she put a rush on the order, and it was ready within the time it took for us to finish shopping, get some food, and finish our running around it could have been a two day wait otherwise. That wouldn’t have worked as the next day was the birthday, and meeting with K.

By this point I was completely smitten with her, as was my little fae (who coincidentally will be posting her thoughts later this week as work allows). Up to this point, I had been hoping against hope that K felt the same way – my scumbag brain however, had other ideas – She’s too smart, too pretty, too good to fall for the same twist of Karma that brought my little fae to me.

After some conversation with Dot, who assured me she was interested, I felt a touch better…. but yo have to remember I have no idea how to flirt, talk to women I find attractive, let alone one who is not only stunningly gorgeous, but has a personality, sense of humor and the same interests…. to me a perfect trifecta.

Regardless, back to the diner.

We settled in to order, after I had asked my little fae to hide the box in her purse, and the conversation started up easily enough again. After the waitress took our order and headed off, I started with “We have a little something for you. I know you’re here (in the city) alone a bit, and because of that we got you something so that you never have to be alone, because we’re with you.” At this point, my little fae laid the box in front of her, and I swear K almost -wiggled- with happiness at seeing the word “zippo” across the box. She opened it and immediately hugged us both. I was a very very content Sir.

Aftter dinner K wanted to head outside for a smoke, and test out her new lighter, it was starting to get late, BUT we spent a few more hours out in the parking lot. now, about an hour before we left, My little fae had to “go to the bathroom”…

I use the quotes, because before doing so, she shot me a look, and with a impish grin, asked for a sucker. That started as a running joke between us and evolved – if she did something I approved of, she got a “good girl” and a mint…which eventually became less of a joke, and more of a treat. I leaned forward as she left and smacked her ass so hard, 3 people in the parking lot started looking around for gunfire I think.

With Dot gone, I decided to be a touch brazen. I basically started with “I don’t know if you’ve notcied, but I have no ability to flirt, at all….so I’m just going to say it” – at this point I basically told her how we feel about her, and made the Jump to asking her to enter into a triad with us.

I think I may have fallen over if I wasn’t trying to be stoic, when she said yes….

At about that point with my Pulse thundering in my ears, Dot returned.

I filled her on on things, and I think her smile eclipsed mine, we talked some more, Flirted a bit…. and had to part all too soon, as I put a limit on the time, so K could get home to sleep for work the next morning in decent time.

Oh, and I suppose I should add – as we Left, I basically said fuck it, and did what I did with Dot those years ago… I kissed her…. Just a short one, and it was a monumental effort to stop myself…. but to me, it seemed an eternity.

The Ride home, with my little fae was spent for the first bit, with her AND I grinning like idiots, and me Buzzing, unable to form coherent sentences, the thoughts came, but the Grins stayed.

All in all I would call that a success.

So here we are a few days later – Plan in place to meet again this weekend, where we will likely talk again for hours – and a current communication plan is in effect…. a google hangout for us to keep in touch, which we are doing as I type – laughing and joking.

We WILL make this work.

I think this experience has already brought my little fae and I closer together, and I can’t help but feel some pride to see The TPE of the triad peeking it’s head out from the dark reaches…. We are both excited, and looking forward to starting this chapter of our lives with K, like I said – the tickle in the back of my head, is telling me this is more than right for (all of) Us.

Now that this Monolith of a Post is coming to the end…. I wish to share something with K:

Welcome to our family and house – you will always be welcomed, safe, protected and cherished here. As I told you, I hope to show you the pillars of how my little fae and I built our relationship, and extend those to you – Open communication, trust, respect, honesty and love.

Thank you for Choosing us, and letting us choose you, the laughs alone thus far have made it some of the happiest times for us both.

Never Fear you talk too much, or Ask too many questions – I will always answer as truthfully as I can, and hold you as closely to my heart as I do my little fae… With that, I can think of only one thing to add – I am very happy to have you with my little fae and I. We started this journey looking for a unicorn, and instead I have found:

My little Wolf.

Here’s to the Future for all of us.

Syn.

Where we are, Where We’re Going, and Who Wants to Come ?

My Little fae recently posted about our Hunt for a Unicorn, and how she is feeling about it, and I must say I am thunderstruck at that post, it is an honor to see just what she thinks of me, and how much she values our relationship in her own words.

This is My take on where we find ourselves now.

I’ve been Monogamous as long as i can remember, my parents have been together for just over 50 years, haven’t slept in the same bed for going on 20, and haven’t really been in love for probably that long either. However that’s how they do things, you marry once, and you’re with that person for the rest of your life – for better or worse, till death do you part.

I saw this growing up and basically thought that’s what relationships were, not love-less but you were with one person and that’s how you stayed. Looking back on it now, I do realize a few things about myself. I think in one form or another I was always poly, I “crushed” on two or three girls at a time when i was younger, and well into my mid twenties. I think if my past were different and more liberal as opposed to conservative and Wrought with abusive relationships I would have likely had multiple love interests at once.

That said, I am glad I wasn’t poly when I met my little fae, I don’t think our relationship and conneciton would be as strong as it is now if we weren’t monogamous for as long as we’ve been.

In the beginning of our relationship Dot was still polyamorous, and I knew this – She had “puppies” as she called them. I would have never forced her to get rid of them, however in my own head I gave her about 6 months to end those relationships – I didn’t share well at that point, this was for my own sanity, and my own well being. and even years later I am beyond thrilled that she did so.

So where are we now ?

I am now 100% on board with the idea of finding a female to join us on our journey, whether that be a short term partner or a lifetime together. Why you ask? what’s different ?

I had a long talk with myself about a week ago, shortly after our MaST meeting on Polyamory – I had to ask myself a few questions.

Could I be happy “sharing” Dot with another person ?  I could, but under certain circumstances. Another woman yes, another man not so much. I know well enough Dot misses having a female lover, and someone she can treat as a “sister” (don’t get me wrong, we have a lot of close female friends we consider family, but this is different).

How much do I trust her ? One word: Implicitly. (end of this Explanation, it needs no more words.)

What do I want out of this? Ideally for me, it would be another person to share inside jokes with, someone to ADD to the already amazing conversations we share. Someone who understands and accepts our dynamic, they don’t need to be into TPE, however that would be a large bonus. I want to find someone that see’s in me even a quarter of what Dot see’s. I want someone that will love us equally without hesitation or reserve. I want someone that will respect, love and cherish this fantastic woman I consider to be my soul mate, my life, and the fire in my eyes when I have no fire of my own to give.

Can I overcome my own Jealousy and enjoy what a Triad could have to offer ? I am going to say, I think so. With Careful, open and honest communication between all parties involved anything is possible, my little fae has taught me this.

In all of this – I am STILL a touch leery, but what surprises me is it is less for selfish reasons at this point. I do NOT want my little fae hurt, not if it’s something I could prevent. I know, I know, she’s a big girl and can handle it. I’ve been hurt so many times by partners in the past, that if something were to happen I would do as I have always done, put my head into the wind and rain and continue moving forward. but for the life of me, I don’t think I could stand to see someone in our lives that didn’t Love her as deeply as I do, nor could I stand to see someone come into our lives that can’t accept her as she is – and I mean COMPLETELY. From her Quirks, to her (deliciously inappropriate) sense of humor, to that slightly sad look she gets when reflecting on past events, and she doesn’t think I notice. I want someone that will know during these times what she needs and will be willing to give as readily as I am. She deserve all that and more.

I just hope that if we don’t find that, at the very least we have fun trying – and even if it’s just the odd threesome, short term relationship, or for Life – She and I are, as always together.

Going forward I hope sincerely we at the bare minimum enjoy the experience, and if we don’t find our third, No matter what – we enjoy ourselves, the journey and the experiences.

Regards,

Syn