Consideration: Like Test Driving for Power Exchange.

I recently decided to bring back an old tradition very few seem to practice anymore, and I’m not sure why more don’t.

Consideration.

In a power exchange relationship or at least the more traditional D/s or M/s dynamics there used to be a period of consideration which may or may not include a collaring. For myself it did not include a collar – for me a collar is a VERY special recognition of my belief that you will fit well into the lives of not only Myself, but my slave as well.

So what IS consideration?

To me (and from much that I have read) it is a period where an S-type requests to be considered for a permanent position (and collar) with a dominant. Now I would think that a slave or submissive would also want to check out the dominant. Think of this consideration phase like a test drive or (if you’re old enough) going steady. The submissive would be given rules to adhere to ([different or less than] the rules she would have as a fully collared S-type within the Master’s house). It allows the Master to evaluate the submissive – and see if the fit would work within his house, as well as setting up a rough plan for how to improve upon, and integrate her skills to fit his needs.

In the reverse, it is also a chance for the S-type to check out how the Master does things, and see if he would be a good fit for her goals as well. After all – a babygirl would have one hell of a time with a disciplinarian focused dominant and would not flourish, which if they’re both astute, they should realize quickly. It is also a chance for the submissive to prove to the Master she could also settle into a pecking order with other S-types and blend into service with them with as little disruption as possible.

For these reasons alone I think it is more than worth waiting to collar an S-type. How many times in vanilla life (or other kinky dating) did you get through  a month or two of dating and realize you were completely incompatible ? Probably made it difficult (or at least awkward) to break it off I’d assume?

If both parties go in KNOWING that this is the equivalent of a test drive, then there should be less hard feelings should one party decide the arrangement won’t be for them.

Now the consideration phase should still include things like first meetings, safe calls, and negotiation without any power imbalance. Setting guidelines amicable to both is paramount so that the consideration phase can have as high as possible of a chance of succeeding.

Most will also Adhere to this being a time when the S-type is essentially “off-limits” to other Dominants, as they are considering moving into a heavier commitment with the Dominant who is considering them. Some also impose a set period of time for the consideration phase, with renegotiation able to happen at the end of that period. Renegotiation could either be another consideration phase, or moving into a training collar.

To some this may seem antiquated or like “too much work” – however to me, and at this point in my life I have decided that it is neither. I have my slave, and I love her dearly, she proved, bled and earned her collar through service, hard work and PROVING she wished to give her all to me. Why should I accept less from a potential partner ? For one who truly wishes to join her and I on a journey, we will give her our all, so she should be prepared to pass the consideration period, and give as much as we will give in return.

Too many times I see “velcro” collars.

Oh you’re owned by so-and-so?

oh, that was last week ?

So you’re now owned by So-and-so?

Oh, that was yesterday ?

Today you’re owned by someone else?

This does not show me a true desire to submit, Defer and need anything but a fashion accessory around your neck for an ill percieved “status” symbol.

So why would I waste my time? I certainly wouldn’t waste yours.

 

In Leather,

 

Syn.

Hindsight, New Beginnings And My Absence

It’s probably going to be difficult at best to explain my extended absence from these pages – however I think I will simply write, and perhaps by the end, my reasons will become clear… I have missed writing, but had no clue how to say what I wanted or at certain points even what to say.

The past few months have been filled with both highs and lows, but I think since the High moments speak for themselves I will start with those.

The largest event of the past while is most definitely the news  of my little fae and I getting our first house together.  We took posesion at the start of last month and are as of now almost 100% moved in. combining two houses worth of stuff is time consuming and a cluster-fuck to say the least, but I am beyond happy  to have her with me ALL of the time now. She keeps asking if I’m happy and I don’t know if I can properly convey just how fucking over the moon I am to have her with me all the time.  That said – I should also point out that on top of combining houses, we’ve also introduced all of our cats, totaling 5 4 legged asshole feline overlords in the house now…. more on that as it develops (lol).

We also recently said goodbye to “The Ball” an event we attended in a neighboring city bi-monthly, it was a pansexual fetish event held in a bar and Canada’s longest running one at that. The Hotel/Bar where it was hosted was sold, and the organizers decided to hang it up rather than look for a new venue as they believe they accomplished what they set out to do when it was first started 20 years ago (and I can’t say I disagree with their logic). The reason I consider this a high point, is simply because the event itself was amazing – time with some friends we rarely see, and just a general sense of togetherness throughout everyone in attendance – even a contingent of local Leathermen showed up – which was amazing to see, since i indentify very closely with leather Ideals.  I’ll be sad to See the Ball go, but at the same time we still have MaST, and the possibility of a new event Stepping up to take its place.

So, on to “the” low.

Those of you that have read my last few entries may have noticed I have avoided mentioning my Hellcat.

That is because we haven’t been dating her for going on a month and a bit now.

I’ve made peace with it, I really have. I needed the time to process before i could write about it and truly make sure that was the case though.

So what happened ?

I’ll spare the direct details, but give you some of the highlights/Problems as I see it now (hindsight is always 20/20 – or so they tell me).

I’ll start with me.

I made a few assumptions (which based on the info I had at the time seemed reasonable) which ended up being problematic. Because of this I’ve learned that even if someone says “organically grown” TPE is what they desire – I need to make it a point to establish and negotiate expectations for the relationship, what they want, what I want, how we’re going to get there, and limits off the get go. I did not do this, and it bit me in the ass.

I also learned that I can handle rejection fairly well….

In the end, the Hellcat and I had a lengthy discussion regarding the end of the relationship and what went wrong, however I was given one piece of information that floored me – Apparently according to her, our part of the dynamic had “problems” from day 1. I was COMPLETELY unaware of this, as there was very little communication of any issues on her end towards me.

So after she was “done” with me – she wished to talk to My little fae (no doubt to try and explain her lack of contact to either of us for almost 2 weeks, basically since we moved her from her shared apartment to her solo one).

I know most of the details of this – but only one snippet is pertinent here: My little fae had to break up with -her- there was no intention of doing so on the hellcats part.

I’ll admit I was hurt pretty badly by it all, if you were paying attention to previous writings, my biggest poly triad fear was that the female partner we found would prefer my little fae – and that was indeed the case. Looking back on it, I just wish I had known sooner before I invested both my time and money into the hellcat to help start her on (what I considered) the proper path. I felt (and feel) well and goodly used.

I am proud of myself though – I handled it very well compared to previous break-ups so we’ll call that personal growth – the hellcat and I are still civil, and will occasional crack a joke at one another when we see each other at events. My little fae is still on her radar I think – but I know that there is nothing there on my little fae’s part. so we will see.

All in all it’s been a bastard of a few months – BUT I can tell you that My little fae and I intend to move forward in the poly arena together – I think I’ve proven that with a bit of work and some more careful consideration I CAN make poly work. The time I did have with both of them was amazing, and it made me happy, as well as my little fae – we just hope going forward we can find something more permanent.

Good to see you all, I WILL post more, I promise.

Syn

I Love, HARD.

“He loves hard”.

My little fae said that to My cat two nights ago in regards to me – The Circumstances center around something that is passed and doesn’t bear revisiting. However for context I should point out that it was a blazing display of my protectiveness, worry and a less positive thing – some of my insecurities.

I was worried that I may have scared my cat, in the past the (for lack of a better term) ferocity of my emotions –  have been seen as a negative, I care too much, I love too much, and I Fall too hard. These were (WERE) to me negatives, and used against me at every turn, or I managed to find partners that didn’t appreciate the depth of emotion that seems completely normal to me.

My little fae is used to this, and appreciates the fact I care as deeply as I do – although some times I think she has trouble dealing with it too, but she is accepting.

My Cat is a Primal, and New to Poly (as I am), but as such, we have evolved into a pack, and one that I think the bit of primal I have in me is better suited for.

You see, if I have a bit of an animal, and it’s a bear. Loyal, Protective, and Loves deeply and Hard.

I still do see this as a negative sometimes, because most people don’t know how to deal with the depth of emotion I can put out some days – I just hope my cat understood. She hasn’t run screaming yet, and is still talking to my little fae and I in our G-talk, so that’s a good sign I suppose.

I could ramble on, or try and form a coherent ending, but honestly I don’t know where this was going…. just something that happened that I wanted to get out, as it’s been bothering/rattling around in my head.

Regards,

Syn

Hellcats, Fae’s, and learning to Poly.

I recently started a writing to try and recap everything that has gone on since the birth of our triad with my little fae and My Hellcat(I know she felt like a wolf in my head when we started this, but things have changed, and so has her Moniker). I now realize that that attempt would be futile, and not do justice to it in the least.

So instead, how about a look at right now ?

I just got back from a short walk in a light, post-downpour rain. I needed a Cigar, the vape wasn’t strong enough, and the Biting taste and feel of it in my lips is helping a bit.

My fae and my cat are having some time (and probably a coffee) together before my cat returns to the city. We all had some very heady, intelligent and frank conversation about likes, dislikes, Limits and our future together, both as pack, and as a TPE triad. I have (and I hope my two other thirds have) a much clearer picture for the future, and where we are going to go, and start our journey from.

So – The insight I promised.

I went for the walk for two reasons, I really wanted that cigar, AND the house is suddenly Deafeningly quiet. For two days I’ve had both of them under my roof, and with me. The conversations, Play, laughs and overwhelming rightness has been enough to have me on a high for the last 48 hours.

A few things I’ve realized since dipping into the poly arena – I truly hope all together is our default, it feels right having us together laughing, sharing jokes, and even cuddling.

I value the one on one time with Both of them. My Cat and My fae are very very similar, but very very different just the same, and both are brilliant. Time with either is time more than well spent, From my Cat’s neverending (and more than welcome) questions, to my little fae’s ability to know -just- what I need at just the right time, they both do their best to take care of me in their own way, and I am honored to do the same.

It’s been a few hours since they left, and the cigar is now long done. My cat was told to message me when she starts her trip out of the city so I know when she leaves, and message me when she arrives home – The storm is passed here, but she will be driving into it and I worry.

My little fae will likely message when her Miss drops her off, and I am anxious to here from her, her drop was starting to set in, and I am worried about her, as always. My cat took her for coffee not only to have some time with her, but also (I think) in her own way provide some more after care for her after a scene from last night that was our first time ALL playing together.

The care shown to our little one from her makes me very happy to know we have found someone that values her as I do.

I know my cat is still unsure of a few things, however I hope that in time, the last of these reservations fall away, and she, I and our little one can become as close as my little fae and I have been for these last 6 years.

I could write more – but even the writing isn’t helping at the moment – the drop is making it hard to focus. I will wait to hear from my other thirds, and then perhaps things will start to get better.

Maybe this is drop, maybe I just miss the hell out of them both, maybe it’s the same thing ?

Regards,

Syn

Of Wolves, Men, and Mythical Creatures.

I don’t really know where to start with the last week, it has been a whirlwind of ups, downs and moving so fast I don’t know where the hell I’m going.

the week started off with a visit to the neighboring city  for the pride ball. When we arrived, we promptly ran into the woman we had met at the previous ball, you remember? The stunningly beautiful one that caused me to forget that I could talk.

My little Fae and I spent a good half an hour talking with her as we didn’t know anyone else really. At this point we decided to go upstairs to cool off as it was very hot. I figured our time was at an end.

Not so.

She asked if she could join us and didn’t leave our side(s) for the remainder of the night. After the ball was done, we were to get dinner with her and the organizers of the ball. At 3 a.m.we had figured that the organizers were stuck cleaning up, or had  headed to the location already. so we headed that way.They weren’t there so the three of us in fetish gear, (one of us in a trench coat for Modesty) had breakfast and talked till 530 in the morning.

Myself and dot reluctantly left, even though we were all falling asleep at the table.I don’t rightly know what happened after this that started it all, but the next week has been filled with trips to Winnipeg to see her, and her coming out to visit and spend a night here…Though these trips we have Sacrificed sleep, and talked for hours on end, like old friends catching up, it seems natural and comfortable – even the silences.

During this week as well, My little fae, and she went on a 12+ hour road trip down to the states, so that she could file her taxes, and she wanted company. Apparently there was conversation…. and A LOT of it.

So after a few days of rest, We headed back to the City – for the birthday of one of our Family. We managed to take Her with us….(you know what I’m tired of she and Her, for the duration, I will call her K). We stayed and chatted with the family, and Friends, Nods from Randilin, and Tamile regarding K, and then headed off to a diner to get some dinner and talk more.

Let me pause for a moment….

Up untill now I have been simply stating what happened, but to continue the story requires some insight into my head, and that of my little fae.

During the First point of this week, I went through a gambit of emotions when I realized what was happening – as I told my little fae, there was a Tingle in the back of my head, kind of like when I met her. Something felt right. We BOTH missed K when she was gone, hated when she left, and were already planning how to see her again. As such, I had a thought the one day we were walking through the mall texting with her…. I wanted to give her something, I mentioned this to my little fae, and she wholeheartedly agreed….for me the idea came easily – and off we went to a store  that does custom engraving.

My little fae and I picked out a 1941 brushed steel replica Zippo, and asked for her named engraved on the lid, along with a wolf on the body of the lighter. Working where I do it has benefits…. behind the counter of said store was one of the wives of my regulars….. she put a rush on the order, and it was ready within the time it took for us to finish shopping, get some food, and finish our running around it could have been a two day wait otherwise. That wouldn’t have worked as the next day was the birthday, and meeting with K.

By this point I was completely smitten with her, as was my little fae (who coincidentally will be posting her thoughts later this week as work allows). Up to this point, I had been hoping against hope that K felt the same way – my scumbag brain however, had other ideas – She’s too smart, too pretty, too good to fall for the same twist of Karma that brought my little fae to me.

After some conversation with Dot, who assured me she was interested, I felt a touch better…. but yo have to remember I have no idea how to flirt, talk to women I find attractive, let alone one who is not only stunningly gorgeous, but has a personality, sense of humor and the same interests…. to me a perfect trifecta.

Regardless, back to the diner.

We settled in to order, after I had asked my little fae to hide the box in her purse, and the conversation started up easily enough again. After the waitress took our order and headed off, I started with “We have a little something for you. I know you’re here (in the city) alone a bit, and because of that we got you something so that you never have to be alone, because we’re with you.” At this point, my little fae laid the box in front of her, and I swear K almost -wiggled- with happiness at seeing the word “zippo” across the box. She opened it and immediately hugged us both. I was a very very content Sir.

Aftter dinner K wanted to head outside for a smoke, and test out her new lighter, it was starting to get late, BUT we spent a few more hours out in the parking lot. now, about an hour before we left, My little fae had to “go to the bathroom”…

I use the quotes, because before doing so, she shot me a look, and with a impish grin, asked for a sucker. That started as a running joke between us and evolved – if she did something I approved of, she got a “good girl” and a mint…which eventually became less of a joke, and more of a treat. I leaned forward as she left and smacked her ass so hard, 3 people in the parking lot started looking around for gunfire I think.

With Dot gone, I decided to be a touch brazen. I basically started with “I don’t know if you’ve notcied, but I have no ability to flirt, at all….so I’m just going to say it” – at this point I basically told her how we feel about her, and made the Jump to asking her to enter into a triad with us.

I think I may have fallen over if I wasn’t trying to be stoic, when she said yes….

At about that point with my Pulse thundering in my ears, Dot returned.

I filled her on on things, and I think her smile eclipsed mine, we talked some more, Flirted a bit…. and had to part all too soon, as I put a limit on the time, so K could get home to sleep for work the next morning in decent time.

Oh, and I suppose I should add – as we Left, I basically said fuck it, and did what I did with Dot those years ago… I kissed her…. Just a short one, and it was a monumental effort to stop myself…. but to me, it seemed an eternity.

The Ride home, with my little fae was spent for the first bit, with her AND I grinning like idiots, and me Buzzing, unable to form coherent sentences, the thoughts came, but the Grins stayed.

All in all I would call that a success.

So here we are a few days later – Plan in place to meet again this weekend, where we will likely talk again for hours – and a current communication plan is in effect…. a google hangout for us to keep in touch, which we are doing as I type – laughing and joking.

We WILL make this work.

I think this experience has already brought my little fae and I closer together, and I can’t help but feel some pride to see The TPE of the triad peeking it’s head out from the dark reaches…. We are both excited, and looking forward to starting this chapter of our lives with K, like I said – the tickle in the back of my head, is telling me this is more than right for (all of) Us.

Now that this Monolith of a Post is coming to the end…. I wish to share something with K:

Welcome to our family and house – you will always be welcomed, safe, protected and cherished here. As I told you, I hope to show you the pillars of how my little fae and I built our relationship, and extend those to you – Open communication, trust, respect, honesty and love.

Thank you for Choosing us, and letting us choose you, the laughs alone thus far have made it some of the happiest times for us both.

Never Fear you talk too much, or Ask too many questions – I will always answer as truthfully as I can, and hold you as closely to my heart as I do my little fae… With that, I can think of only one thing to add – I am very happy to have you with my little fae and I. We started this journey looking for a unicorn, and instead I have found:

My little Wolf.

Here’s to the Future for all of us.

Syn.

Struggling, Real (or Imagined) Dilemma’s.

this particular post is something I do want to share, however it’s going to be written to my little Fae.

You said to me the other day “I just hope I don’t stop you from finding someone.” now this was in regards to our polyamorous search, and to be honest I feel the same way. not in regards to you, more in regards to me.

I know you miss women, I know you’ve also said that if we do not find a third you would be perfectly happy with just me. With that said, something else you wrote resonated with me. You had said that I still wasn’t comfortable with you finding a girlfriend solely for yourself.

Now in the poly scheme of things this is what I would call my first bout of jealousy. I am jealous of sharing you with someone, mostly because that wouldn’t be together.I think I would be less jealous of a woman as your partner, I don’t think I could handle you having another male partner and you know this.

There are few reasons, primarily I would be jealous of the time they would get with you and I wouldn’t.I get so little time with you to begin with it would be hard to split that with someone else. Doing things with them, laughs I wouldn’t share, smiles I wouldn’t see, jokes I wouldn’t get – and Physical contact I wouldn’t experience.

Another point of jealousy for me in that regard is my complete and utter inability to talk to a potential partner even remotely…. you’ve seen me, I’m a fucking wreck and would (trust me) have Issues meeting a potential partner on my own – I wasn’t kidding when I said it was a fucking miracle we ever ended up together. I can’t approach women and flirt as easily as you can, or even summon the courage to ask a woman on a date most times like I did with you… I had nothing to lose at that point.

I don’t think I could handle thinking to myself (and you know I do) “welp, I wonder if she’s going to end up leaving me because she’s getting what she needs elsewhere.” (I know this isn’t the case, but my brain is a fucking scumbag). I always try to do my best, and give you every bit of me – I try very hard to be a Good partner, Sir, and friend. However that little voice in the dark corners always tells me “You should be doing more, she deserves more”.

I would be Jealous of how quickly you’d find a partner – it would be MUCH faster than you think, and some days I think I’m just holding you back from being completely happy because I’m Selfish, and don’t want to be alone while you’d be out on a date, or experiencing things I can’t share with you (or both of you). I don’t want to be like that partner who we read about on fetlife who isn’t even Friends with their Primary’s partner.

So the flip side of this needs to be mentioned as well: Guilt.

lets say this was reversed – I was the one who found a secondary – I don’t think I could do it (but you never know).

I would definitely feel guilt…. even thought you never say a word when I go out with people while you are working – I still feel guilty that I’m experiencing or doing, and you’re not with me…. I WANT you to share those things with me, I know our interests diverge in certain things, as they should… but when it comes to socializing or going out places I WANT you there, and to me, being out with another on a date without you would be excruciating.

I would feel HUGE amounts of guilt over another sexual partner, that you weren’t included with… I don’t thnk I can explain this one with any other phrase, other than whats mine is yours always….and I would want to share that with you.

After reading all of what I wrote above the Jealousy part can pretty much be flipped to my Point of view and assumed as guilt as well…. I just don’t have enough healthy examples of poly, or people I trust to talk about these things to – and Truth be told my little fae, I love you dearly, but trying to ask the questions I need to, and not knowing what they are makes it incredibly difficult, because some days you are tight lipped at best about it…. through no fault of your own – I ask and you’ll answer, but I don’t even know WHAT I need to ask to get the answers I’m looking for or need.

With this all said, I never want to deny you absolute happiness, you have been more than I could ever ask for, and I am slowly trying to open up my thinking – and again playing catch up. You have more patience, love and understanding while I sort through this than I could have ever hoped for, and I Love you for it (and so much more).

Just some insight for you all into the thought struggle I have been having for a while….

Thank you my little fae, for never judging, being patient, attentive, loving and helping me grow, as a person, master, and sexual human being….this journey will take a while, but I’ll keep talking and sharing as long as you will listen.

Syn

Family, Leather, and Unicorn Mounted Leprechauns.

Well, this week has definitely started off better than last – My little fae and I took some U/us time and went to the neighboring city on the weekend, however it was just for a shopping trip, we desperately needed the time together, and time we got. We spent the night after I got off work, travelling to the city and time with our family there – Crepe’s were had, deep conversations, and not so deep conversations alike.

Our family sought out our advice on a few things, we talked, we discussed and I am deeply proud and honored to be trusted with giving advice that hopefully helped them A/all.  The pertinent parts of this have been left vague, because it isn’t my story to tell, but I hope that they will be alright – They’re family, and I love them.

The next day was spent  with just the two of us, we did some shopping – got some shorts and shirts. My little fae has the responsibility of helping me with wardrobe choices, I’m horrible at picking and/or shopping for myself. So we spent the day, Breakfast, Shopping and just generally being together, away from everything.  It not only really helped me relax and forget for a bit about my bell’s palsy, but it was beyond incredible to be able to reconnect with my little fae too. We get so little time as is, that every moment is something more precious than I can measure.

When we were pretty much done at the mall, on a whim, we made one last stop at Danier leather. We don’t have many options for leather gear in our city, so we always love stopping in to browse. As soon as we walked in, we were greeted, and something on a sale rack immediately caught my eye. I had finally found a men’s leather vest I loved the looks of. Being broad in the chest generally makes it hard to shop for myself, and I usually take an XXL shirt, so I don’t Rip it apart when I move my arms forward or backward. I was a touch Dismayed when I saw that the only one left was a 3Xl, however (while only a touch long) fit perfectly in the shoulders. I immediately asked them to set it aside for later purchase while we continued browsing.

My little fae came across a jacket she loved as well, a gorgeous tan suede biker jacket that looked amazing on her. I knew from the second I saw her try it on I was going to buy it for her. She’s stubborn though, and I knew she loved it, and I was waiting to see if she’d pull the trigger on buying it herself.  I don’t get to treat her much to expensive things, and honestly – to me this leather was mine to give her. She has more than earned leather from me – both as my Slave, and as my soulmate. I think I made a Good choice in doing so, and I cannot wait to see her in it, it looks fucking amazing on her.

With our shopping done, home we headed.

Our Trips to and from the city are always filled with conversation – point/counterpoint, and sometimes one of us playing devil’s advocate, just to get the other thinking about something in a different light.

Our Topic of choice (or at least majority) on the way home turned to Polyamory, and our search for a third…. not in the usual sense though – it was more of a “what role DO you want” in the triad…and how we’d Like to see it in an Ideal setting (yes, yes, I know, let it come naturally however it plays out). One question I did ask of my little fae, as i was generally curious, is how she used to find prospective partners when she was poly.  I learned a little bit about her thoughts on it, and it got me to thinking.

An organically grown(?) triad is going to work best for us. Yes we are open to the idea, but not actively searching – I jokingly said: “We’re not going on a goddamn dating site or something like that either!”. We both know I was saying iot just for the sake of saying it, and neither of us has ANY intention of finding our third that way.

However, as I was processing this, I remembered reading about another, and their search for their unicorn – it has been quite a few months for them, and multiple interviews; Still no luck.

So, I have been thinking – with our situation being as it is, in a VERY small city – do we become more aggressive in seeking out our unicorn ? and my More aggressive, I mean – change our fet profiles to reflect that goal, even subtly ? Or just continue on in our little Cloistered community and hope she falls into our laps ? S-types are rare here, Female bi-sexual switches who are single, might as well be a leprechaun mounted atop a unicorn with rainbow sparkles.

So, with all that – tomorrow it is back to the grind, I have had a day off, and feel semi-rested. We have MaST: TPE and Polyamory coming up two weekends from now, and I am sure that will raise even MORE questions from me… and definitely a few more blog posts….

Regards,

Syn