Leather – Revisiting my Path.

I’ve been thinking and re-reading my old posts a lot lately, and I have to admit I’ve changed my view on quite a few things, my opinions and thoughts have evolved and therefore I think it’s high time I revisited some of my older posts and shared my updated thoughts.

So what’s first you might ask?

A topic near and dear to my heart: Leather.

In the past, I referred to it as Hetero Leather.

I don’t necessarily make that distinction now, and not because I think recognition of Gay and Lesbian Leather cultures detract and are somehow wrong. Just the opposite, in fact, I think recognition of the longstanding traditions and guiding principles are what will help us grow as Leatherfolk on a whole, and because of that, I’d like to think we’re all in this together, orientations are secondary.

I read SO MUCH trying to understand Leather, and it all led back to gay leathermen, and leatherwomen. I automatically assumed that as an (at the time) straight, CIS man there was no inlet for me into Leather culture. What a bunch of bullshit thinking that was.  Thanks to some amazing people and their wisdom I think much differently now.

I’ve spent the majority of my time since then getting to know Leathermen, Leatherwomen, Boy’s, Girls. and all manner of Leatherfolk. One overriding thing I have learned is that Leather is what you make it. Guided by service, respect, honesty, loyalty, integrity and being an open-minded student of life in general.

Leather isn’t about being gifted Leather to wear (although that’s awesome too.)

Leather isn’t about what genitals you have, or what genitals you like to stick your genitals into (or have stuck in you.)

Leather isn’t about status or personal gain.

Leather isn’t something that fits in a nice neat little box.

So, going forward here – what is Leather as far as I am concerned?

Well here is what I consider to be my Leather path.

At its core Leather has close ties to sex, rough Leathersex, S&M, all manner of deviant shit, which I love, however it’s about being unapologetic about loving these things. It is who we are, it’s about wearing whatever gets you hot, and (within limits) Fucking or playing exactly how you want. I Love Beating ass, bruising the hell out of it and listening to the whimpers when I decide to fuck it. End of story, if I find a partner who likes being on the receiving end, and we go make that happen that’s Leather, you need not apologize or feel guilty for any of it.

It’s about being of service, both to people, and to your community. Give back, be an ear for a friend, tell them they’re being an idiot if they need it, buy them a beer, or a place to crash if shit has gone south, teach someone a skill. Give your time to your community, Support local groups, go to fundraising events, offer some time to volunteer. Be of use – Master, slave, it doesn’t matter: The highest form of humbleness comes from being of service to someone or something worthy of your effort.

Respect everyone who deserves respect. From the most wealthy CEO to the bartender keeping you in good booze – We all end up in the same sized box. The true measure of a Leatherperson  is how you treat those who can do absolutely nothing for you. It can be as simple as a please and thank you to the kid at the front counter at McDonald’s, it’s the same please and thank you would give to the guy signing your cheques.

Be honest. Not only with the people you meet, be honest with yourself. Be honest about your strengths, your weaknesses. Be honest about every little part of yourself about who you are, who you want to be, and whether you are living a life that is authentically your own.

Be loyal to the people that deserve loyalty. I have Dot, our Leather family, and another house we are part of who have my implicit loyalty. All they have to do is ask, and if something is in my power it’s theirs. I would defend them to the ends of the earth because I trust they would do the same for me.

Integrity. This one is rather hard to quantify, integrity is different for everyone. Because I believe myself to be a person of integrity – I will do my utmost to conduct myself living as close to my morals, beliefs, and honor as a man of my word, because to me that is integrity.

I will never stop learning, never stop growing, stagnation is a slow death by doing nothing, Always better yourself, and move forward.

That is My Leather path.

In the end, it’s not about clothes or any one sexual orientation.

It’s about being unapologetically you, having a guiding set of principles, and living the fuck out of them every day.

So, here I am two and a half years later.

I have grown.

I have lived authentically.

I have evolved.

I have much still to learn and work on.

I have a Leather Path.

I hope you find yours if you are looking.

In Leather,

 

Syn.

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The Perfect Storm (Or: But wait! There’s MORE!)

You know that Movie from 2000 The Perfect Storm ? No? you should go watch it, seriously, because I’m about to use a part of the ending from it as a comparison, and I don’t want to be THAT dick that spoils a really good movie for you.

*********

So at the end of the movie there’s a Scene where a MASSIVE wave has overturned the Andrea Gail and George Clooney’s character is in the wheelhouse and pushes Mark Walberg’s Character out and to give him a chance to survive, while retreating into the darkness ?

I can kind of empathize with Clooney at this point.

Now I’m not intentionally trying to be melodramatic, but today has been one of those days where the water just kept rushing in, and more and more keeps piling up.

So what’s going on you may ask ?

First off, dot and I are fine, dealing with everything but realistically our relationship is as strong, if not stronger than it’s ever been .

On another relationship front, things aren’t so good. Today dot and bubs ended their relationship. Now I have known for some time that dot was feeling used, and unnoticed by bubs, and I tried to tell bubs as such without overstepping into a territory that would force them into a relationship. However, there was no follow through on certain things from bubs, and dot, being very logical and of no time for that sort of thing ended up pulling away to the point where she ended things earlier today.

Which leads into me.

I am now at a junction, bubs and I haven’t been doing well from a TPE standpoint at all – and I have discussed the things she needs to work on, however these things have come to a head and it compounds with her BPD escalating, her thinking the thought that she is now going to lose me, because the triad we had searched for never really stabilized.

My issue is this – Recently I have felt as though the last 3 months have just gone in one ear and out the other with bubs, simple concepts I would expect someone under consideration to grasp and execute are just NOT THERE. Or my word is taken as a suggestion not an order, even after punishment and re-evaluation,  the same mistakes are continuing to be made. SO now I have some thinking to do.

But wait! There’s MORE!

I am also watching two families implode, my leather family is having their own struggles with BPD, their other partner and things in general.  I feel rather helpless thinking I should be doing more to help, but also knowing I can’t until things settle with them all. Not to mention their partner who is basically my sister is training her three girls and dealing with their recent issues and fuck-ups still haunting them, and dealing with that.

But wait! There’s MORE!

Work is having an issue with a young man who works for us who doesn’t know better than to discuss with clients how fucking wasted he got last night, etc, and even after telling our manager repeatedly, she refuses to take action to discipline or fire (which is the only real choice). This drives me fucking crazy. I’ve talked to the kid, but being unable to discipline him, it goes in one ear and out the other. At work, sadly I am a dog without teeth, nothing more than my words. And no matter how I approach it, I’m stuck bailing out water with my regulars because of this irresponsible jackass child and the weak person in the authoritative position to correct it.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of tonight we may be hosting someone from the community as a “couch-guest” for a while – They fucked up with the lease on their apartment, and as such will be homeless in less than 48 hours.  Now bear in mind, we currently ALSO have dot’s oldest and her partner staying with us until they find a place. So a 2 bedroom home could possibly now have 5 people (and 4 cats) living in it for a while.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of 4PM this afternoon (as I found out from my father in the last 20 minutes of work), My mother was admitted to the hospital because of her recent injury.  She has found herself unable to move or walk very well from a pinched nerve in her lower back – My mother is 73 and also recently tore all the ligaments in her leg due to a blackout/fall some months ago. She is currently settled in the hospital and on an IV rehydrating from lack of water, and also being treated for a lack of nutrition – due to not being able to sit and cook and the like. My father didn’t know this because mom never said a word to him or I. She was more worried about being a burden to people than being healthy, which is out and out destructive pride.

But wait! There’s MORE! (sort of)

There are some other things going on of note that has contributed to the day, however I will discuss those at a later time, because they deserve more attention and examination than a paragraph in an already comprehensive entry.

I’m feeling rather overwhelmed today (and really for the last few days and weeks), but writing was high on my list of priorities to get this out of my head….

I’m not sure of solutions or much of anything at this point, I just needed to put it in words so I can dump some of the stress, refocus and re-arm.

Regards,

 

Syn.

Where we are, Where We’re Going, and Who Wants to Come ?

My Little fae recently posted about our Hunt for a Unicorn, and how she is feeling about it, and I must say I am thunderstruck at that post, it is an honor to see just what she thinks of me, and how much she values our relationship in her own words.

This is My take on where we find ourselves now.

I’ve been Monogamous as long as i can remember, my parents have been together for just over 50 years, haven’t slept in the same bed for going on 20, and haven’t really been in love for probably that long either. However that’s how they do things, you marry once, and you’re with that person for the rest of your life – for better or worse, till death do you part.

I saw this growing up and basically thought that’s what relationships were, not love-less but you were with one person and that’s how you stayed. Looking back on it now, I do realize a few things about myself. I think in one form or another I was always poly, I “crushed” on two or three girls at a time when i was younger, and well into my mid twenties. I think if my past were different and more liberal as opposed to conservative and Wrought with abusive relationships I would have likely had multiple love interests at once.

That said, I am glad I wasn’t poly when I met my little fae, I don’t think our relationship and conneciton would be as strong as it is now if we weren’t monogamous for as long as we’ve been.

In the beginning of our relationship Dot was still polyamorous, and I knew this – She had “puppies” as she called them. I would have never forced her to get rid of them, however in my own head I gave her about 6 months to end those relationships – I didn’t share well at that point, this was for my own sanity, and my own well being. and even years later I am beyond thrilled that she did so.

So where are we now ?

I am now 100% on board with the idea of finding a female to join us on our journey, whether that be a short term partner or a lifetime together. Why you ask? what’s different ?

I had a long talk with myself about a week ago, shortly after our MaST meeting on Polyamory – I had to ask myself a few questions.

Could I be happy “sharing” Dot with another person ?  I could, but under certain circumstances. Another woman yes, another man not so much. I know well enough Dot misses having a female lover, and someone she can treat as a “sister” (don’t get me wrong, we have a lot of close female friends we consider family, but this is different).

How much do I trust her ? One word: Implicitly. (end of this Explanation, it needs no more words.)

What do I want out of this? Ideally for me, it would be another person to share inside jokes with, someone to ADD to the already amazing conversations we share. Someone who understands and accepts our dynamic, they don’t need to be into TPE, however that would be a large bonus. I want to find someone that see’s in me even a quarter of what Dot see’s. I want someone that will love us equally without hesitation or reserve. I want someone that will respect, love and cherish this fantastic woman I consider to be my soul mate, my life, and the fire in my eyes when I have no fire of my own to give.

Can I overcome my own Jealousy and enjoy what a Triad could have to offer ? I am going to say, I think so. With Careful, open and honest communication between all parties involved anything is possible, my little fae has taught me this.

In all of this – I am STILL a touch leery, but what surprises me is it is less for selfish reasons at this point. I do NOT want my little fae hurt, not if it’s something I could prevent. I know, I know, she’s a big girl and can handle it. I’ve been hurt so many times by partners in the past, that if something were to happen I would do as I have always done, put my head into the wind and rain and continue moving forward. but for the life of me, I don’t think I could stand to see someone in our lives that didn’t Love her as deeply as I do, nor could I stand to see someone come into our lives that can’t accept her as she is – and I mean COMPLETELY. From her Quirks, to her (deliciously inappropriate) sense of humor, to that slightly sad look she gets when reflecting on past events, and she doesn’t think I notice. I want someone that will know during these times what she needs and will be willing to give as readily as I am. She deserve all that and more.

I just hope that if we don’t find that, at the very least we have fun trying – and even if it’s just the odd threesome, short term relationship, or for Life – She and I are, as always together.

Going forward I hope sincerely we at the bare minimum enjoy the experience, and if we don’t find our third, No matter what – we enjoy ourselves, the journey and the experiences.

Regards,

Syn

Family, Leather, and Unicorn Mounted Leprechauns.

Well, this week has definitely started off better than last – My little fae and I took some U/us time and went to the neighboring city on the weekend, however it was just for a shopping trip, we desperately needed the time together, and time we got. We spent the night after I got off work, travelling to the city and time with our family there – Crepe’s were had, deep conversations, and not so deep conversations alike.

Our family sought out our advice on a few things, we talked, we discussed and I am deeply proud and honored to be trusted with giving advice that hopefully helped them A/all.  The pertinent parts of this have been left vague, because it isn’t my story to tell, but I hope that they will be alright – They’re family, and I love them.

The next day was spent  with just the two of us, we did some shopping – got some shorts and shirts. My little fae has the responsibility of helping me with wardrobe choices, I’m horrible at picking and/or shopping for myself. So we spent the day, Breakfast, Shopping and just generally being together, away from everything.  It not only really helped me relax and forget for a bit about my bell’s palsy, but it was beyond incredible to be able to reconnect with my little fae too. We get so little time as is, that every moment is something more precious than I can measure.

When we were pretty much done at the mall, on a whim, we made one last stop at Danier leather. We don’t have many options for leather gear in our city, so we always love stopping in to browse. As soon as we walked in, we were greeted, and something on a sale rack immediately caught my eye. I had finally found a men’s leather vest I loved the looks of. Being broad in the chest generally makes it hard to shop for myself, and I usually take an XXL shirt, so I don’t Rip it apart when I move my arms forward or backward. I was a touch Dismayed when I saw that the only one left was a 3Xl, however (while only a touch long) fit perfectly in the shoulders. I immediately asked them to set it aside for later purchase while we continued browsing.

My little fae came across a jacket she loved as well, a gorgeous tan suede biker jacket that looked amazing on her. I knew from the second I saw her try it on I was going to buy it for her. She’s stubborn though, and I knew she loved it, and I was waiting to see if she’d pull the trigger on buying it herself.  I don’t get to treat her much to expensive things, and honestly – to me this leather was mine to give her. She has more than earned leather from me – both as my Slave, and as my soulmate. I think I made a Good choice in doing so, and I cannot wait to see her in it, it looks fucking amazing on her.

With our shopping done, home we headed.

Our Trips to and from the city are always filled with conversation – point/counterpoint, and sometimes one of us playing devil’s advocate, just to get the other thinking about something in a different light.

Our Topic of choice (or at least majority) on the way home turned to Polyamory, and our search for a third…. not in the usual sense though – it was more of a “what role DO you want” in the triad…and how we’d Like to see it in an Ideal setting (yes, yes, I know, let it come naturally however it plays out). One question I did ask of my little fae, as i was generally curious, is how she used to find prospective partners when she was poly.  I learned a little bit about her thoughts on it, and it got me to thinking.

An organically grown(?) triad is going to work best for us. Yes we are open to the idea, but not actively searching – I jokingly said: “We’re not going on a goddamn dating site or something like that either!”. We both know I was saying iot just for the sake of saying it, and neither of us has ANY intention of finding our third that way.

However, as I was processing this, I remembered reading about another, and their search for their unicorn – it has been quite a few months for them, and multiple interviews; Still no luck.

So, I have been thinking – with our situation being as it is, in a VERY small city – do we become more aggressive in seeking out our unicorn ? and my More aggressive, I mean – change our fet profiles to reflect that goal, even subtly ? Or just continue on in our little Cloistered community and hope she falls into our laps ? S-types are rare here, Female bi-sexual switches who are single, might as well be a leprechaun mounted atop a unicorn with rainbow sparkles.

So, with all that – tomorrow it is back to the grind, I have had a day off, and feel semi-rested. We have MaST: TPE and Polyamory coming up two weekends from now, and I am sure that will raise even MORE questions from me… and definitely a few more blog posts….

Regards,

Syn

A Pirate’s Life for me ?

This has been one of those weeks I’d rather Put behind me, but it’s going to be in the forefront of my mind for the foreseeable Future.

lately I have been working an obscene amount of hours, 95 in the last two weeks, and would have been more, except for Friday night’s events.

Thursday, I felt as though I was getting an ear infection, so I went off to the walk-in clinic, got diagnosed, and started my medication.

Friday started normally – up, message my little fae, walk to work. On the walk my tongue started to tingle and go numb. I didn’t honestly notice it and thought it was just a mild reaction to the Penicillin.

The day continued on, and during a business meeting later on in the evening I had lost almost all the feeling in the left side of my face. I was not overly worried about it being a stroke as I still had grip strength in my hands, and my body temperature was about normal. Regardless, after our meeting around midnight, I asked my co-worker (or as we call her the work wife) to take me to the hospital, En-route I called my little fae who was at work and told her what was going on.

I registered at the front desk in Emergency and settled in.

Dot left work and was there in less than a half hour. in the intervening time, I had a Grip strength check, and 3 vials of blood drawn. I know there were trying to rule out a stroke. So after 3 or 4 hours I finally got to see the doc, and was officially Diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy. Needless to say I, and my little fae were very relieved.

So, thus far, I have gone 3 days with the symptoms, and I must say, it’s more of a piss off than anything… I have no depth perception, and have to drink my coffee through a straw, HOWEVER the endless supply of Pirate, Two-face (from batman) and Jim Ross related jokes are awesome.

So I have learned a few valuable lessons within my first few days.

1. Swish and Spit for brushing teeth, is best done in the shower.

2. Knife and fork to eat everything, and have a napkin handy.

3. If your Slave is always on the side you develop Bell’s Palsy on, she essentially becomes your peripheral vision, and can and will point out people you -should- say hi to when they enter a room.

4. Stairs require depth perception, it’s ok to laugh when you miss one, and your slave needs to Go up them first.

5. Vaping is easy, blowing rings is impossible.

6. taping your eye shut in the mornings can be frustrating – having your other half do it, removes some of this.

7. a sense of humor goes a long way.

8. the patience others show you, in not looking away or staring, tells you a lot about them.

9. My little fae, is amazingly kind, patient and again has proven just how incredible she is… ❤

 

Regards,

 

 

Syn

Had a Ball, and it Didn’t Deflate.

 

The weekend is over, and I must say although I am exhausted , I am also very content – and in a much better headspace about some things.

Saturday was The Ball in the neighboring city, so after work off we went .  We got there later, so we ended up dressing quickly and going with our Family to the Bar where the event is hosted.

It was fantastic to see everyone, and be greeted warmly by people. I am not, by nature a hugger, but I find it easy to accept and give hugs with all of these friends.

I must admit I am more at peace with my earlier issues regarding looking for a third, and am slowly finding my Fuckitall Zen. (this is relevant to the rest of what is about to follow).

When someone joins our local community (as more than a creeper) it’s a pretty big deal, and recently a woman joined/posted in our local group – being a curious pair, my little fae and I checked out her profile, and we were beyond impressed Cute (from her grainy picture) and intelligent/articulate. So needless to say we were looking forward to meeting her at the munch on the 24th.

Imagine our surprise, when after saying some requisite hello’s and hugs all around for some, we stepped into the main area of the Ball, and from across the room – there she was, 6 foot plus, in a corset, garters, panties and high heels (with pigtails). I think we were both struck almost speechless.

We did get a chance to meet her, and I was pretty proud of myself, I didn’t stammer at all, and even managed to get a laugh or two out of her. After my little fae and I said our goodbye’s and continued on to our table and visited with the MaST organizers, who also happen to be our family, and the other two a pair we consider good friends. The second pair is a Lesbian couple – Master and slave and very very much like us in the way we are…. this was the first real event we had seen them at outside of MaST, and a dinner they invited us to at their home.  I loved being able to visit and laugh with all of them.

During this event, there are kink vendors galore, and from another contact of ours we purchased a Plug and Tail for my little fae, as well as a Brand new 20″ oiled leather Flogger, Along with a new leopard print collar for my little fae.

After a Post Ball trip to a restaurant for a late night snack, it was back to the house to sleep.

The next morning I had a chat with Randilin and Tamile, I was curious about their thoughts on my  recent Needle play experience, and resulting battle with my brain, along with some thoughts on how that related to my little fae and I searching for our third.

My talk with them was also a form of personal growth for me. Even a year ago, my little fae, and these pages would have been the only place I would have voiced my problems, and I cannot thank those two for their insight, and compassion – they did largely reinforce many things I had already come to terms with, but also sent me home with some reading material and a bit more to think about. Truth be told, I will likely be better moving forward than I would have been without the conversation.

I will have more on this I am sure, but for now, Just a recap.

I am looking forward to the munch, and enjoying the ride to come…. I know I’ll be fighting my head for a while to come, but at least now I know where to start.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

Yet More Firsts – Needles and Raven Haired bottoms.

it’s been a long ass time since I’ve updated – and many things have happened….

 

On a Vanilla Front – we’re back to just two of us at work, and because of this I’m in the midst of 13 days straight (I don’t count the sundays the store is closed). It’s almost relaxing however, as a very toxic person is no longer there, I’d rather work for the next month till we hire and train someone with just us, than have to worry about this person working one more shift with me. That said – the lack of time with my little fae STILL bothers me greatly.

On a kink front, we just returned from an invite-only play party hosted by our family in the other city. I had the honor of teaching a pair of close Friends some Needle play basics, and experienced another first for me as well – I topped someone who was not my little fae. I have never actually done that, nor played with anyone but Dot, and truth be told I was nervous. It was an interesting experience to say the least, as I had met her during the Public play party the month before, and both Dot and I find her absolutely gorgeous. She stopped with only 3 needles in, however I was marginally glad, trying to make sure my bottom was OK, along with checking on my “pupils” and having to deal with my bottoms boyfriend(?) just over my shoulder the whole time, I was exhausted.

You have to understand, playing with someone for me can be as intimate as sex, and there was a small voice in the back of my head that was screaming at me, that this wasn’t right to do, nevermind with my little fae sitting less than 15 feet away. I did have fun though – and the next day I continued the Trend with my little fae, having a fairly hard scene the next night, when we got home.

 

Just a quick update, but more to come later this week, I promise.

 

Regards,

 

Syn