this particular post is something I do want to share, however it’s going to be written to my little Fae.
You said to me the other day “I just hope I don’t stop you from finding someone.” now this was in regards to our polyamorous search, and to be honest I feel the same way. not in regards to you, more in regards to me.
I know you miss women, I know you’ve also said that if we do not find a third you would be perfectly happy with just me. With that said, something else you wrote resonated with me. You had said that I still wasn’t comfortable with you finding a girlfriend solely for yourself.
Now in the poly scheme of things this is what I would call my first bout of jealousy. I am jealous of sharing you with someone, mostly because that wouldn’t be together.I think I would be less jealous of a woman as your partner, I don’t think I could handle you having another male partner and you know this.
There are few reasons, primarily I would be jealous of the time they would get with you and I wouldn’t.I get so little time with you to begin with it would be hard to split that with someone else. Doing things with them, laughs I wouldn’t share, smiles I wouldn’t see, jokes I wouldn’t get – and Physical contact I wouldn’t experience.
Another point of jealousy for me in that regard is my complete and utter inability to talk to a potential partner even remotely…. you’ve seen me, I’m a fucking wreck and would (trust me) have Issues meeting a potential partner on my own – I wasn’t kidding when I said it was a fucking miracle we ever ended up together. I can’t approach women and flirt as easily as you can, or even summon the courage to ask a woman on a date most times like I did with you… I had nothing to lose at that point.
I don’t think I could handle thinking to myself (and you know I do) “welp, I wonder if she’s going to end up leaving me because she’s getting what she needs elsewhere.” (I know this isn’t the case, but my brain is a fucking scumbag). I always try to do my best, and give you every bit of me – I try very hard to be a Good partner, Sir, and friend. However that little voice in the dark corners always tells me “You should be doing more, she deserves more”.
I would be Jealous of how quickly you’d find a partner – it would be MUCH faster than you think, and some days I think I’m just holding you back from being completely happy because I’m Selfish, and don’t want to be alone while you’d be out on a date, or experiencing things I can’t share with you (or both of you). I don’t want to be like that partner who we read about on fetlife who isn’t even Friends with their Primary’s partner.
So the flip side of this needs to be mentioned as well: Guilt.
lets say this was reversed – I was the one who found a secondary – I don’t think I could do it (but you never know).
I would definitely feel guilt…. even thought you never say a word when I go out with people while you are working – I still feel guilty that I’m experiencing or doing, and you’re not with me…. I WANT you to share those things with me, I know our interests diverge in certain things, as they should… but when it comes to socializing or going out places I WANT you there, and to me, being out with another on a date without you would be excruciating.
I would feel HUGE amounts of guilt over another sexual partner, that you weren’t included with… I don’t thnk I can explain this one with any other phrase, other than whats mine is yours always….and I would want to share that with you.
After reading all of what I wrote above the Jealousy part can pretty much be flipped to my Point of view and assumed as guilt as well…. I just don’t have enough healthy examples of poly, or people I trust to talk about these things to – and Truth be told my little fae, I love you dearly, but trying to ask the questions I need to, and not knowing what they are makes it incredibly difficult, because some days you are tight lipped at best about it…. through no fault of your own – I ask and you’ll answer, but I don’t even know WHAT I need to ask to get the answers I’m looking for or need.
With this all said, I never want to deny you absolute happiness, you have been more than I could ever ask for, and I am slowly trying to open up my thinking – and again playing catch up. You have more patience, love and understanding while I sort through this than I could have ever hoped for, and I Love you for it (and so much more).
Just some insight for you all into the thought struggle I have been having for a while….
Thank you my little fae, for never judging, being patient, attentive, loving and helping me grow, as a person, master, and sexual human being….this journey will take a while, but I’ll keep talking and sharing as long as you will listen.
The weekend is over, and I must say although I am exhausted , I am also very content – and in a much better headspace about some things.
Saturday was The Ball in the neighboring city, so after work off we went . We got there later, so we ended up dressing quickly and going with our Family to the Bar where the event is hosted.
It was fantastic to see everyone, and be greeted warmly by people. I am not, by nature a hugger, but I find it easy to accept and give hugs with all of these friends.
I must admit I am more at peace with my earlier issues regarding looking for a third, and am slowly finding my Fuckitall Zen. (this is relevant to the rest of what is about to follow).
When someone joins our local community (as more than a creeper) it’s a pretty big deal, and recently a woman joined/posted in our local group – being a curious pair, my little fae and I checked out her profile, and we were beyond impressed Cute (from her grainy picture) and intelligent/articulate. So needless to say we were looking forward to meeting her at the munch on the 24th.
Imagine our surprise, when after saying some requisite hello’s and hugs all around for some, we stepped into the main area of the Ball, and from across the room – there she was, 6 foot plus, in a corset, garters, panties and high heels (with pigtails). I think we were both struck almost speechless.
We did get a chance to meet her, and I was pretty proud of myself, I didn’t stammer at all, and even managed to get a laugh or two out of her. After my little fae and I said our goodbye’s and continued on to our table and visited with the MaST organizers, who also happen to be our family, and the other two a pair we consider good friends. The second pair is a Lesbian couple – Master and slave and very very much like us in the way we are…. this was the first real event we had seen them at outside of MaST, and a dinner they invited us to at their home. I loved being able to visit and laugh with all of them.
During this event, there are kink vendors galore, and from another contact of ours we purchased a Plug and Tail for my little fae, as well as a Brand new 20″ oiled leather Flogger, Along with a new leopard print collar for my little fae.
After a Post Ball trip to a restaurant for a late night snack, it was back to the house to sleep.
The next morning I had a chat with Randilin and Tamile, I was curious about their thoughts on my recent Needle play experience, and resulting battle with my brain, along with some thoughts on how that related to my little fae and I searching for our third.
My talk with them was also a form of personal growth for me. Even a year ago, my little fae, and these pages would have been the only place I would have voiced my problems, and I cannot thank those two for their insight, and compassion – they did largely reinforce many things I had already come to terms with, but also sent me home with some reading material and a bit more to think about. Truth be told, I will likely be better moving forward than I would have been without the conversation.
I will have more on this I am sure, but for now, Just a recap.
I am looking forward to the munch, and enjoying the ride to come…. I know I’ll be fighting my head for a while to come, but at least now I know where to start.
it’s been a long ass time since I’ve updated – and many things have happened….
On a Vanilla Front – we’re back to just two of us at work, and because of this I’m in the midst of 13 days straight (I don’t count the sundays the store is closed). It’s almost relaxing however, as a very toxic person is no longer there, I’d rather work for the next month till we hire and train someone with just us, than have to worry about this person working one more shift with me. That said – the lack of time with my little fae STILL bothers me greatly.
On a kink front, we just returned from an invite-only play party hosted by our family in the other city. I had the honor of teaching a pair of close Friends some Needle play basics, and experienced another first for me as well – I topped someone who was not my little fae. I have never actually done that, nor played with anyone but Dot, and truth be told I was nervous. It was an interesting experience to say the least, as I had met her during the Public play party the month before, and both Dot and I find her absolutely gorgeous. She stopped with only 3 needles in, however I was marginally glad, trying to make sure my bottom was OK, along with checking on my “pupils” and having to deal with my bottoms boyfriend(?) just over my shoulder the whole time, I was exhausted.
You have to understand, playing with someone for me can be as intimate as sex, and there was a small voice in the back of my head that was screaming at me, that this wasn’t right to do, nevermind with my little fae sitting less than 15 feet away. I did have fun though – and the next day I continued the Trend with my little fae, having a fairly hard scene the next night, when we got home.
Just a quick update, but more to come later this week, I promise.
Every so often I come across something that makes me either laugh or shake my head depending on the day…. Today I had a moment that made me do both.
Last night my little Fae and I got to “play”, I use quotations because it most certainly was much more – Probably our hardest scene to date, her ass is currently riddled with needle pricks on top of 70-ish lashes with the belt.
I was understandably happy with my handy work and So I took a few “after pictures”, one of which I shared on fetlife to friends only. Now my Friends list isn’t massive, I prefer to keep it to people I have either met in person, or interact with on a regular basis. however a DOZEN pictures like this were posted the night before, from an event we had’nt been able to attend by women who had scenes in the dungeon, So I figured my little fae and I would add to them.
So, I posted the Pic and went to bed thinking I would check to see if there were comments etc.
1 “love”, just one.
Now I’m not out for attention, or to whore approval, but as I was thinking about it, it brought to light an interesting comparison. My little fae’s Friendslist is only 12 people bigger and 12 different people other than I have, HOWEVER I have notcied she gets much more interaction than I do, for very similar pictures, and I got to thinking.
Most average guys like me are on fet to meet people, gain knowledge and the Like, however in order to get interaction on thier profile I can -almost- understand the multitude of cock pics. It may be semi negative attention from women, but it’s still attention.
So why is it, that on Fetlife on Friends only posts, that I see so much more attention lavished on women ? as opposed to the person whoi did the Spanking/Whipping/Flogging etc ?
After all, sometimes all the Sub does is Bring the Canvas – it’d be like crediting the Canvas maker for the Mona Lisa instead of Da Vinci.
Random thought, but it’s tickling my Brain.
A group we are part of on fetlife recently Posed a musing – one in regards to people “ignoring” their vanilla Friends when the become involved in the lifestyle. I don’t really agree with it, but not in the way you think.
As I get older I find I don’t want to have to separate my Kinky Friends (or life) from my vanilla, I am who I am and I want to surround myself with people who accept and like me for that reason, not because they only see one side of me.
I saw answers ranging from I jumped in with both feet and ignored my vanilla friends, to not really – I have a healthy balance.
Because of my past, I HAD to get rid of all my old friends as there was not one to be found that was a healthy enough influence to maintain my sobriety. During that period of my life I had multiple circles of friends; One for the Gamers, one for the geeks, one for the people I worked with at the bar, one for the drugs and alcohol, and the circle of partiers I ran with and then there was the person I was in private when I was by myself. There was a small bit of overlap, but for the most part I kept (and had to) them all separate, and it eventually drove me insane having to hide parts of me from people because they wouldn’t accept me.
As I mentioned as I get older, I WANT my Kinky friends to become my vanilla friends too – yeah, having Kink’s in common is nice, but I’d love to be able to sit down with the same people I was -just- at a play party with the night before, and Play a game of Carcassonne, or watch the New episode of Doctor WHO, or even discussing the hot scene last night in the middle of the party in between the rest. As you can guess my little fae and I are “out” as members of the community, but we don’t flaunt it – even our vanilla Family and Friends are at the very least kink friendly, so if something slips out we don’t have to worry about them wondering wtf because they have no context.
Now, don’t get me wrong I understand that for professionals, politicians, and certain other folks a level of discretion is needed…. but my big question is this – if you DO have to hide in your professional life, why subject yourself to doing so around Friends that are supposed to enrich and accept all aspects of who you are ?
Just a few thoughts on a subject that tickled my attention a bit.
I often hear stories about how in the old days BDSM was “underground” or hidden from the general public. I can kind of empathize with that thanks to a current situation W/we find ourselves in, in our local community.
Now, the original leathermen found themselves in a situation where TPE, S&M and the very state of being gay was at best all considered mental illness and at worst if outed would result in a severe beating and possibly being killed. Let me be clear, my little fae and I are nowhere near that level of ostracism, and perhaps it’s in our heads, but I feel it’s something I need to explain and get off my chest.
As I have mentioned, my little fae and I are the only M/s couple who regularly attends our munches/is active in our community – A small aside for clarity: there is one female domme and her male sub that come out as regularly as possible (with 3 children under the age of 3 that can be difficult). There is another splinter community that has 2 other TPE couples we do not associate with for various reasons, we are just not compatible in thought, speech or action.
So in our community largely we are a solitary TPE couple, we are surrounded by kinksters. fetishists and purely S&M oriented couples. Normally we would have no issue with this, however we have one individual that rails so hard against labels, protocol and the structure we hold to be integral to our kink identity, that it seems almost phobic.
I’ve come to the point where I don’t really talk about TPE and our M/s dynamic openly to people in our community because I have come to feel that no one can really “let it be” – We have Rituals and protocols that we adhere to, but they are largely unobtrusive, the most obvious is the one of her sitting at my feet when it is not going to freak out the vanillas.
I ask questions of the community in our local fetlife group on a regular basis, and in doing so when it is relevant I draw parallels and comparisons between TPE and the question…. Numerous times the response from this person leads with “I don’t D/s, but……” and even in one on one conversation he goes out of his way to point this out. I think the particular event(?) that broke the camel’s back was a journal entry I made on fetlife(and here) regarding Dominants and perceptions of what a Dominant should be. The response I received largely stayed on topic, except for a response from this individual basically laying out a whole guideline for his -own- definition of labels as it pertains to him (basically creating a whole new set of definitions/names for Dom/Sub/etc). To me, it was a direct slap in the face.
Perhaps I am taking this out of context or reading too much into it, however I must say that being “alone” in the local community we certainly feel alone when surrounded by people that are supposed to foster a feeling of belonging. We were remarking the other day how Our trips to the bigger city for MaST and the people we have had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know, make us feel more at home then our locals do. Even the kinksters and fetishists are respectful, accepting or at the very least open to accepting what TPE means to us. In the long run, this has been the reasoning behind our more frequent trips to that city for events and the community with-in. Yes, they have Politics but for the most part we stay neutral and prefer to simply enjoy the individuals rather than the climate between groups.
I’m not sure if this situation is just a one off pertaining to our little backwards town, or if there are others out there that have experienced something similar…but this is how I see it, and where W/we are atm community wise.