Defending Your Life.

As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have a very eclectic taste in movies, my top 5 are all over the map. I do want to talk about one in particular. However, the list has an overriding theme that I think will become clear if you are familiar with them.

  1. Fight Club
  2. Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
  3. Tombstone
  4. What Dreams May Come
  5. Defending Your Life

Now if you know all the movies on my list, you get major cinephile cred with me.  That said, I am sure more than a few of you had to click the link for Defending Your Life. It’s major draw in the 90’s was (and would be today) that Meryl Streep was in it. Truth be told this is one of the few movies with her in it I can stomach (and maybe Julie and Julia). That’s neither here nor there, however. Have you figured out the one thread that ties this movie to the others on my list?

They are all about confronting fear or dealing with it.

Albert Brooks wrote this movie and the end premise is about conquering fear and how many times you are fearless quantifying if you are ready to move on to the hereafter.

So what does this have to do with either my journey, or BDSM, or both?

Bear with me, I want to tell you a little story about myself first – we’ll get there, I promise.

When I was in high school, not many people knew, but I LOVED sports – and a few would have agreed I was really good at quite a few of them. I never played on high school teams though.

One afternoon when I was 16 or 17 (grade 11) a bunch of us had a free period and would go fuck around in the gym. Well rather than just shooting hoops by myself, as I did ALL the time at home, and during some free periods, there was a volleyball net set up. You see, my school had one of the best Highschool AAA volleyball teams in the country (for both boys and girls). In my high school, volleyball players were treated with the same reverence some high schools treat their basketball and football players. Well, I couldn’t shoot hoops, but one of the girls I had known since primary school invited me to fill the 6th position on their team, I am sure the rest of the varsity team was salivating at the prospect of spiking a ball directly into my face. You see on a good day back then I was 5’9 and 180 Lbs – Short and built like a beer keg – great for the martial arts I was involved in, not so good for vertical lift.

So, the game begins and I try as hard as I can, I’m diving for digs, and receiving in the back row fairly well.  I Always try as hard as I can, no matter what I’m doing. Suddenly it’s my turn in the front row, now for those who are not familiar the front row is responsible for attacking – Spikes, and blocking spikes – Oh shit. Truth be told I did better than OK, and the Short beer keg looking bastard that I was even managed to get high enough to Spike the ball with a reasonable downward arc.

When we were done and just sitting back on the bleachers waiting for the bell, I had 3 members of the boys and girls varsity teams ask me why I never tried out – in their estimation, I would have made the cut. I never did answer them with more than a smile and a shrug. But I knew the answer clanging around in my head all too well.

I was Scared of Fucking up and being laughed at and ridiculed.

I have no real defense, other than to explain that I was raised that way – my parents were both scared of me getting hurt, or worse if I ever played sports or did anything physical. Even the martial arts I was involved in, I kept MUCH of the physicality of the sparring to myself so that they wouldn’t “convince” me to stop going.

Now that all of that is at least 20+ years behind me, I look back on it and laugh at what a poor mindset that was. I look at my mom who I love dearly and see all the irrational (to me) things she still harbors fear about, I don’t want to end up like that – however it is hard to undo YEARS of growing up with that, much like deprogramming people who are no longer catholic, but will still answer “and also with you” when they hear “may the lord be with you”.

With BDSM, and power exchange, We are all living outside of the norm – most of society would Squirm if they ever witnessed a scene between a sadist and masochist in real time. I remember an incident on fetlife with a face slapping video: someone watched it and because people fear that which is unknown or foreign to them this man threatened to call the police on them for domestic violence. Fear is everywhere, and it can be destructive to not only yourself but others too if you let it leak out.

Many facets of personal growth in the lifestyle can boil down to conquering fears – that is why it’s so important to have a slave or s-type that encourages growth, along with the Master doing the same for the slave. As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears,

As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears, and truth be told we do, but not as firm a grip as most think. Masters can have fear too – I choose to address mine in many ways, writing here, talking with my little fae, and seeking advice and opinions from people we are close to, and respect.

I’ve made a conscious decision to meet my fears as head on as possible and deal with them if at all possible. I do still have a few that I struggle with daily (and sometimes less frequently) but I will get there eventually – it’s a marathon, not a race.

Bob Diamond: They can make a mistake. You shouldn’t let others get to you like this. Just follow what’s in here.

[points to his heart]

Daniel Miller: [Daniel nods in agreement]

Bob Diamond: Don’t worry, and don’t kick yourself forever. Just take the opportunities when they come.”      – Rip Torn as Bob Diamond, and Albert Brooks as Daniel Miller in Defending Your Life.

I will follow what I want in my heart, and deal with my fears – quite possibly the most imporant thing I can do as a Man, a Master, and someone trapped on this floating rock for a finite period of time.

Regards,

 

Syn.

Fear and the Disciplinarian.

Recently as you may be aware, we have taken on a third into our dynamic. bubs is still new in the kink/Power exchange world, but is currently under consideration to be my submissive.

I can’t help but feel as though this is a test from whatever force you believe is directing us on this floating rock.

A test I feel as though I am barely keeping my head above water on.

I got incredibly lucky with dot – she had been in the lifestyle for many years, and was long since trained as a submissive when she met me, and as she reminds me she has the slave heart she has always been submissive minded, it is something you are born with.

With bubs she is new, and honestly I’ve never “trained” a submissive before…. So this is all undiscovered country with me. I’ve done my best to guide her towards making better choices, and teach her as much as I can about power exchange – along with trying to teach her how to be more assertive in life, and make healthier choices.

I suppose I take for advantage (in a way) that dot and I have come very far from where we were at bubs’ age, we’ve put in the work, had less than stellar pasts and come out of the other side of our crucible, stronger and with many more life lessons to draw on.

In a way I am envious of bubs…at her age I wasn’t quite done making my mistakes yet, and the spectacular ones were just starting to pile up. I think if I had come into the community earlier I might have found the part of me that was missing sooner….but as they say – everything happens for a reason.

Now, why do I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water in this situation ?

Part of this is my own doing.

bub’s and I had a conversation some time ago, about me not being as strict on her as I should (can) be, and I vowed that in order to be authentic and truthful to her I was going to tighten up and be as much of a disciplinarian with her as I am dot.

This has not been the case.

Up until now I’ve been scared… scared of scaring bub’s off because I can be a pretty demanding hard ass. I do it out of love but it can be way too much for some people, and I can’t help but think it was that raw part of me that scared off the hellcat as well…. I voiced these opinions to both dot and bubs and I was assured that was not the case.

So now what ?

Time to actually tighten up and start expecting more, if I fail to be the Master that I am, then I am not being authentic. That won’t gives bub’s the -real- me, and thats not fair to her…. Nor is it fair to dot because I don’t let her get away with anything, I should expect no less of anyone else joining our house.

Moving forward I WILL be tougher, not overly so, but I will make it comparative to what I expect of dot, it is fair, and to do less would lessen a TPE structure I have already built, and another one I am hoping to continue to build.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

Hellcats, Fae’s, and learning to Poly.

I recently started a writing to try and recap everything that has gone on since the birth of our triad with my little fae and My Hellcat(I know she felt like a wolf in my head when we started this, but things have changed, and so has her Moniker). I now realize that that attempt would be futile, and not do justice to it in the least.

So instead, how about a look at right now ?

I just got back from a short walk in a light, post-downpour rain. I needed a Cigar, the vape wasn’t strong enough, and the Biting taste and feel of it in my lips is helping a bit.

My fae and my cat are having some time (and probably a coffee) together before my cat returns to the city. We all had some very heady, intelligent and frank conversation about likes, dislikes, Limits and our future together, both as pack, and as a TPE triad. I have (and I hope my two other thirds have) a much clearer picture for the future, and where we are going to go, and start our journey from.

So – The insight I promised.

I went for the walk for two reasons, I really wanted that cigar, AND the house is suddenly Deafeningly quiet. For two days I’ve had both of them under my roof, and with me. The conversations, Play, laughs and overwhelming rightness has been enough to have me on a high for the last 48 hours.

A few things I’ve realized since dipping into the poly arena – I truly hope all together is our default, it feels right having us together laughing, sharing jokes, and even cuddling.

I value the one on one time with Both of them. My Cat and My fae are very very similar, but very very different just the same, and both are brilliant. Time with either is time more than well spent, From my Cat’s neverending (and more than welcome) questions, to my little fae’s ability to know -just- what I need at just the right time, they both do their best to take care of me in their own way, and I am honored to do the same.

It’s been a few hours since they left, and the cigar is now long done. My cat was told to message me when she starts her trip out of the city so I know when she leaves, and message me when she arrives home – The storm is passed here, but she will be driving into it and I worry.

My little fae will likely message when her Miss drops her off, and I am anxious to here from her, her drop was starting to set in, and I am worried about her, as always. My cat took her for coffee not only to have some time with her, but also (I think) in her own way provide some more after care for her after a scene from last night that was our first time ALL playing together.

The care shown to our little one from her makes me very happy to know we have found someone that values her as I do.

I know my cat is still unsure of a few things, however I hope that in time, the last of these reservations fall away, and she, I and our little one can become as close as my little fae and I have been for these last 6 years.

I could write more – but even the writing isn’t helping at the moment – the drop is making it hard to focus. I will wait to hear from my other thirds, and then perhaps things will start to get better.

Maybe this is drop, maybe I just miss the hell out of them both, maybe it’s the same thing ?

Regards,

Syn

Of Wolves, Men, and Mythical Creatures.

I don’t really know where to start with the last week, it has been a whirlwind of ups, downs and moving so fast I don’t know where the hell I’m going.

the week started off with a visit to the neighboring city  for the pride ball. When we arrived, we promptly ran into the woman we had met at the previous ball, you remember? The stunningly beautiful one that caused me to forget that I could talk.

My little Fae and I spent a good half an hour talking with her as we didn’t know anyone else really. At this point we decided to go upstairs to cool off as it was very hot. I figured our time was at an end.

Not so.

She asked if she could join us and didn’t leave our side(s) for the remainder of the night. After the ball was done, we were to get dinner with her and the organizers of the ball. At 3 a.m.we had figured that the organizers were stuck cleaning up, or had  headed to the location already. so we headed that way.They weren’t there so the three of us in fetish gear, (one of us in a trench coat for Modesty) had breakfast and talked till 530 in the morning.

Myself and dot reluctantly left, even though we were all falling asleep at the table.I don’t rightly know what happened after this that started it all, but the next week has been filled with trips to Winnipeg to see her, and her coming out to visit and spend a night here…Though these trips we have Sacrificed sleep, and talked for hours on end, like old friends catching up, it seems natural and comfortable – even the silences.

During this week as well, My little fae, and she went on a 12+ hour road trip down to the states, so that she could file her taxes, and she wanted company. Apparently there was conversation…. and A LOT of it.

So after a few days of rest, We headed back to the City – for the birthday of one of our Family. We managed to take Her with us….(you know what I’m tired of she and Her, for the duration, I will call her K). We stayed and chatted with the family, and Friends, Nods from Randilin, and Tamile regarding K, and then headed off to a diner to get some dinner and talk more.

Let me pause for a moment….

Up untill now I have been simply stating what happened, but to continue the story requires some insight into my head, and that of my little fae.

During the First point of this week, I went through a gambit of emotions when I realized what was happening – as I told my little fae, there was a Tingle in the back of my head, kind of like when I met her. Something felt right. We BOTH missed K when she was gone, hated when she left, and were already planning how to see her again. As such, I had a thought the one day we were walking through the mall texting with her…. I wanted to give her something, I mentioned this to my little fae, and she wholeheartedly agreed….for me the idea came easily – and off we went to a store  that does custom engraving.

My little fae and I picked out a 1941 brushed steel replica Zippo, and asked for her named engraved on the lid, along with a wolf on the body of the lighter. Working where I do it has benefits…. behind the counter of said store was one of the wives of my regulars….. she put a rush on the order, and it was ready within the time it took for us to finish shopping, get some food, and finish our running around it could have been a two day wait otherwise. That wouldn’t have worked as the next day was the birthday, and meeting with K.

By this point I was completely smitten with her, as was my little fae (who coincidentally will be posting her thoughts later this week as work allows). Up to this point, I had been hoping against hope that K felt the same way – my scumbag brain however, had other ideas – She’s too smart, too pretty, too good to fall for the same twist of Karma that brought my little fae to me.

After some conversation with Dot, who assured me she was interested, I felt a touch better…. but yo have to remember I have no idea how to flirt, talk to women I find attractive, let alone one who is not only stunningly gorgeous, but has a personality, sense of humor and the same interests…. to me a perfect trifecta.

Regardless, back to the diner.

We settled in to order, after I had asked my little fae to hide the box in her purse, and the conversation started up easily enough again. After the waitress took our order and headed off, I started with “We have a little something for you. I know you’re here (in the city) alone a bit, and because of that we got you something so that you never have to be alone, because we’re with you.” At this point, my little fae laid the box in front of her, and I swear K almost -wiggled- with happiness at seeing the word “zippo” across the box. She opened it and immediately hugged us both. I was a very very content Sir.

Aftter dinner K wanted to head outside for a smoke, and test out her new lighter, it was starting to get late, BUT we spent a few more hours out in the parking lot. now, about an hour before we left, My little fae had to “go to the bathroom”…

I use the quotes, because before doing so, she shot me a look, and with a impish grin, asked for a sucker. That started as a running joke between us and evolved – if she did something I approved of, she got a “good girl” and a mint…which eventually became less of a joke, and more of a treat. I leaned forward as she left and smacked her ass so hard, 3 people in the parking lot started looking around for gunfire I think.

With Dot gone, I decided to be a touch brazen. I basically started with “I don’t know if you’ve notcied, but I have no ability to flirt, at all….so I’m just going to say it” – at this point I basically told her how we feel about her, and made the Jump to asking her to enter into a triad with us.

I think I may have fallen over if I wasn’t trying to be stoic, when she said yes….

At about that point with my Pulse thundering in my ears, Dot returned.

I filled her on on things, and I think her smile eclipsed mine, we talked some more, Flirted a bit…. and had to part all too soon, as I put a limit on the time, so K could get home to sleep for work the next morning in decent time.

Oh, and I suppose I should add – as we Left, I basically said fuck it, and did what I did with Dot those years ago… I kissed her…. Just a short one, and it was a monumental effort to stop myself…. but to me, it seemed an eternity.

The Ride home, with my little fae was spent for the first bit, with her AND I grinning like idiots, and me Buzzing, unable to form coherent sentences, the thoughts came, but the Grins stayed.

All in all I would call that a success.

So here we are a few days later – Plan in place to meet again this weekend, where we will likely talk again for hours – and a current communication plan is in effect…. a google hangout for us to keep in touch, which we are doing as I type – laughing and joking.

We WILL make this work.

I think this experience has already brought my little fae and I closer together, and I can’t help but feel some pride to see The TPE of the triad peeking it’s head out from the dark reaches…. We are both excited, and looking forward to starting this chapter of our lives with K, like I said – the tickle in the back of my head, is telling me this is more than right for (all of) Us.

Now that this Monolith of a Post is coming to the end…. I wish to share something with K:

Welcome to our family and house – you will always be welcomed, safe, protected and cherished here. As I told you, I hope to show you the pillars of how my little fae and I built our relationship, and extend those to you – Open communication, trust, respect, honesty and love.

Thank you for Choosing us, and letting us choose you, the laughs alone thus far have made it some of the happiest times for us both.

Never Fear you talk too much, or Ask too many questions – I will always answer as truthfully as I can, and hold you as closely to my heart as I do my little fae… With that, I can think of only one thing to add – I am very happy to have you with my little fae and I. We started this journey looking for a unicorn, and instead I have found:

My little Wolf.

Here’s to the Future for all of us.

Syn.

Where we are, Where We’re Going, and Who Wants to Come ?

My Little fae recently posted about our Hunt for a Unicorn, and how she is feeling about it, and I must say I am thunderstruck at that post, it is an honor to see just what she thinks of me, and how much she values our relationship in her own words.

This is My take on where we find ourselves now.

I’ve been Monogamous as long as i can remember, my parents have been together for just over 50 years, haven’t slept in the same bed for going on 20, and haven’t really been in love for probably that long either. However that’s how they do things, you marry once, and you’re with that person for the rest of your life – for better or worse, till death do you part.

I saw this growing up and basically thought that’s what relationships were, not love-less but you were with one person and that’s how you stayed. Looking back on it now, I do realize a few things about myself. I think in one form or another I was always poly, I “crushed” on two or three girls at a time when i was younger, and well into my mid twenties. I think if my past were different and more liberal as opposed to conservative and Wrought with abusive relationships I would have likely had multiple love interests at once.

That said, I am glad I wasn’t poly when I met my little fae, I don’t think our relationship and conneciton would be as strong as it is now if we weren’t monogamous for as long as we’ve been.

In the beginning of our relationship Dot was still polyamorous, and I knew this – She had “puppies” as she called them. I would have never forced her to get rid of them, however in my own head I gave her about 6 months to end those relationships – I didn’t share well at that point, this was for my own sanity, and my own well being. and even years later I am beyond thrilled that she did so.

So where are we now ?

I am now 100% on board with the idea of finding a female to join us on our journey, whether that be a short term partner or a lifetime together. Why you ask? what’s different ?

I had a long talk with myself about a week ago, shortly after our MaST meeting on Polyamory – I had to ask myself a few questions.

Could I be happy “sharing” Dot with another person ?  I could, but under certain circumstances. Another woman yes, another man not so much. I know well enough Dot misses having a female lover, and someone she can treat as a “sister” (don’t get me wrong, we have a lot of close female friends we consider family, but this is different).

How much do I trust her ? One word: Implicitly. (end of this Explanation, it needs no more words.)

What do I want out of this? Ideally for me, it would be another person to share inside jokes with, someone to ADD to the already amazing conversations we share. Someone who understands and accepts our dynamic, they don’t need to be into TPE, however that would be a large bonus. I want to find someone that see’s in me even a quarter of what Dot see’s. I want someone that will love us equally without hesitation or reserve. I want someone that will respect, love and cherish this fantastic woman I consider to be my soul mate, my life, and the fire in my eyes when I have no fire of my own to give.

Can I overcome my own Jealousy and enjoy what a Triad could have to offer ? I am going to say, I think so. With Careful, open and honest communication between all parties involved anything is possible, my little fae has taught me this.

In all of this – I am STILL a touch leery, but what surprises me is it is less for selfish reasons at this point. I do NOT want my little fae hurt, not if it’s something I could prevent. I know, I know, she’s a big girl and can handle it. I’ve been hurt so many times by partners in the past, that if something were to happen I would do as I have always done, put my head into the wind and rain and continue moving forward. but for the life of me, I don’t think I could stand to see someone in our lives that didn’t Love her as deeply as I do, nor could I stand to see someone come into our lives that can’t accept her as she is – and I mean COMPLETELY. From her Quirks, to her (deliciously inappropriate) sense of humor, to that slightly sad look she gets when reflecting on past events, and she doesn’t think I notice. I want someone that will know during these times what she needs and will be willing to give as readily as I am. She deserve all that and more.

I just hope that if we don’t find that, at the very least we have fun trying – and even if it’s just the odd threesome, short term relationship, or for Life – She and I are, as always together.

Going forward I hope sincerely we at the bare minimum enjoy the experience, and if we don’t find our third, No matter what – we enjoy ourselves, the journey and the experiences.

Regards,

Syn

Where Syn Starts Getting His Shit In Order.

Last Night I wrote further about my Needle Play Experience, and a few things i had mulled ovver in my head as a result, and unfortunately wordpress ate it. This did however get me thinking more, and so I started re-writing when I got home from work, as I had more time to think.

I’ve come to realize that I thoroughly enjoyed myself topping someone that wasn’t Dot. After some conversation with her, and yet more processing, I also realize that there is no reason for me to feel guilty about doing so – as long as the bottom in question has respectfully asked Dot for permission to play with me/asked me and I tell her (part of our negotiated verbal contract), then I should just enjoy myself. it’s incredibly hard for me to just let go of a lifetime of stigma and being up tight regarding anything vaguely erotic or “abnormal”.  Dot assures me that she Loved watching me “at work” and sat visiting with Lola while doing so.

Which brings me to the next point and a hard one for me to admit.

I’m marginally jealous of Dot at these events.

Whether she see’s (or admits) it, or not she garners A LOT of attention at these events. quite often I feel as though I am nothing but an afterthought to some. She doesn’t see it, but she is strikingly beautiful, and even though she is my Slave, she can dominate a room just on her presence alone when she enters it. Couple this with my lack of ability to overcome some pretty deep seeded self esteem issues, and I do on occasion feel left out when it comes to women who have made it no secret that they want to play with her. We also talked about this at length – and at the root of it, is my self esteem issues, I have to learn to not give a fuck.

They say it takes 21 days of repetition to build or break a habit, I am more than willing to put in the work to break this issue I have… I just don’t know where to start or how. I am proud of myself though, I’m MUCH better than I was even 5 years ago.

It’s frustrating for me to be so sure of myself in some aspects, and so fucking weak or unsure in others. I don’t even know how to put words to it to be honest, I have sat here from the last paragraph to this one thinking for a good 15 minutes on it, and still the words won’t come.

She assures me that I am very very good at starting conversations, and she can handle the flirting, but to be honest, I need to learn to do a bit of that myself – which brings us back to finding my center of “not giving a fuck zen”.

Perhaps I need to stop trying to analyze and just do, rather than over thinking – it’s not Astrophysics.

Right?

Goddamn it.

Regards,

 

Syn