Sadly my computer has met with an untimely death, so for a while I have to go back to vlogging…
I recently started a writing to try and recap everything that has gone on since the birth of our triad with my little fae and My Hellcat(I know she felt like a wolf in my head when we started this, but things have changed, and so has her Moniker). I now realize that that attempt would be futile, and not do justice to it in the least.
So instead, how about a look at right now ?
I just got back from a short walk in a light, post-downpour rain. I needed a Cigar, the vape wasn’t strong enough, and the Biting taste and feel of it in my lips is helping a bit.
My fae and my cat are having some time (and probably a coffee) together before my cat returns to the city. We all had some very heady, intelligent and frank conversation about likes, dislikes, Limits and our future together, both as pack, and as a TPE triad. I have (and I hope my two other thirds have) a much clearer picture for the future, and where we are going to go, and start our journey from.
So – The insight I promised.
I went for the walk for two reasons, I really wanted that cigar, AND the house is suddenly Deafeningly quiet. For two days I’ve had both of them under my roof, and with me. The conversations, Play, laughs and overwhelming rightness has been enough to have me on a high for the last 48 hours.
A few things I’ve realized since dipping into the poly arena – I truly hope all together is our default, it feels right having us together laughing, sharing jokes, and even cuddling.
I value the one on one time with Both of them. My Cat and My fae are very very similar, but very very different just the same, and both are brilliant. Time with either is time more than well spent, From my Cat’s neverending (and more than welcome) questions, to my little fae’s ability to know -just- what I need at just the right time, they both do their best to take care of me in their own way, and I am honored to do the same.
It’s been a few hours since they left, and the cigar is now long done. My cat was told to message me when she starts her trip out of the city so I know when she leaves, and message me when she arrives home – The storm is passed here, but she will be driving into it and I worry.
My little fae will likely message when her Miss drops her off, and I am anxious to here from her, her drop was starting to set in, and I am worried about her, as always. My cat took her for coffee not only to have some time with her, but also (I think) in her own way provide some more after care for her after a scene from last night that was our first time ALL playing together.
The care shown to our little one from her makes me very happy to know we have found someone that values her as I do.
I know my cat is still unsure of a few things, however I hope that in time, the last of these reservations fall away, and she, I and our little one can become as close as my little fae and I have been for these last 6 years.
I could write more – but even the writing isn’t helping at the moment – the drop is making it hard to focus. I will wait to hear from my other thirds, and then perhaps things will start to get better.
Maybe this is drop, maybe I just miss the hell out of them both, maybe it’s the same thing ?
this particular post is something I do want to share, however it’s going to be written to my little Fae.
You said to me the other day “I just hope I don’t stop you from finding someone.” now this was in regards to our polyamorous search, and to be honest I feel the same way. not in regards to you, more in regards to me.
I know you miss women, I know you’ve also said that if we do not find a third you would be perfectly happy with just me. With that said, something else you wrote resonated with me. You had said that I still wasn’t comfortable with you finding a girlfriend solely for yourself.
Now in the poly scheme of things this is what I would call my first bout of jealousy. I am jealous of sharing you with someone, mostly because that wouldn’t be together.I think I would be less jealous of a woman as your partner, I don’t think I could handle you having another male partner and you know this.
There are few reasons, primarily I would be jealous of the time they would get with you and I wouldn’t.I get so little time with you to begin with it would be hard to split that with someone else. Doing things with them, laughs I wouldn’t share, smiles I wouldn’t see, jokes I wouldn’t get – and Physical contact I wouldn’t experience.
Another point of jealousy for me in that regard is my complete and utter inability to talk to a potential partner even remotely…. you’ve seen me, I’m a fucking wreck and would (trust me) have Issues meeting a potential partner on my own – I wasn’t kidding when I said it was a fucking miracle we ever ended up together. I can’t approach women and flirt as easily as you can, or even summon the courage to ask a woman on a date most times like I did with you… I had nothing to lose at that point.
I don’t think I could handle thinking to myself (and you know I do) “welp, I wonder if she’s going to end up leaving me because she’s getting what she needs elsewhere.” (I know this isn’t the case, but my brain is a fucking scumbag). I always try to do my best, and give you every bit of me – I try very hard to be a Good partner, Sir, and friend. However that little voice in the dark corners always tells me “You should be doing more, she deserves more”.
I would be Jealous of how quickly you’d find a partner – it would be MUCH faster than you think, and some days I think I’m just holding you back from being completely happy because I’m Selfish, and don’t want to be alone while you’d be out on a date, or experiencing things I can’t share with you (or both of you). I don’t want to be like that partner who we read about on fetlife who isn’t even Friends with their Primary’s partner.
So the flip side of this needs to be mentioned as well: Guilt.
lets say this was reversed – I was the one who found a secondary – I don’t think I could do it (but you never know).
I would definitely feel guilt…. even thought you never say a word when I go out with people while you are working – I still feel guilty that I’m experiencing or doing, and you’re not with me…. I WANT you to share those things with me, I know our interests diverge in certain things, as they should… but when it comes to socializing or going out places I WANT you there, and to me, being out with another on a date without you would be excruciating.
I would feel HUGE amounts of guilt over another sexual partner, that you weren’t included with… I don’t thnk I can explain this one with any other phrase, other than whats mine is yours always….and I would want to share that with you.
After reading all of what I wrote above the Jealousy part can pretty much be flipped to my Point of view and assumed as guilt as well…. I just don’t have enough healthy examples of poly, or people I trust to talk about these things to – and Truth be told my little fae, I love you dearly, but trying to ask the questions I need to, and not knowing what they are makes it incredibly difficult, because some days you are tight lipped at best about it…. through no fault of your own – I ask and you’ll answer, but I don’t even know WHAT I need to ask to get the answers I’m looking for or need.
With this all said, I never want to deny you absolute happiness, you have been more than I could ever ask for, and I am slowly trying to open up my thinking – and again playing catch up. You have more patience, love and understanding while I sort through this than I could have ever hoped for, and I Love you for it (and so much more).
Just some insight for you all into the thought struggle I have been having for a while….
Thank you my little fae, for never judging, being patient, attentive, loving and helping me grow, as a person, master, and sexual human being….this journey will take a while, but I’ll keep talking and sharing as long as you will listen.
My Little fae recently posted about our Hunt for a Unicorn, and how she is feeling about it, and I must say I am thunderstruck at that post, it is an honor to see just what she thinks of me, and how much she values our relationship in her own words.
This is My take on where we find ourselves now.
I’ve been Monogamous as long as i can remember, my parents have been together for just over 50 years, haven’t slept in the same bed for going on 20, and haven’t really been in love for probably that long either. However that’s how they do things, you marry once, and you’re with that person for the rest of your life – for better or worse, till death do you part.
I saw this growing up and basically thought that’s what relationships were, not love-less but you were with one person and that’s how you stayed. Looking back on it now, I do realize a few things about myself. I think in one form or another I was always poly, I “crushed” on two or three girls at a time when i was younger, and well into my mid twenties. I think if my past were different and more liberal as opposed to conservative and Wrought with abusive relationships I would have likely had multiple love interests at once.
That said, I am glad I wasn’t poly when I met my little fae, I don’t think our relationship and conneciton would be as strong as it is now if we weren’t monogamous for as long as we’ve been.
In the beginning of our relationship Dot was still polyamorous, and I knew this – She had “puppies” as she called them. I would have never forced her to get rid of them, however in my own head I gave her about 6 months to end those relationships – I didn’t share well at that point, this was for my own sanity, and my own well being. and even years later I am beyond thrilled that she did so.
So where are we now ?
I am now 100% on board with the idea of finding a female to join us on our journey, whether that be a short term partner or a lifetime together. Why you ask? what’s different ?
I had a long talk with myself about a week ago, shortly after our MaST meeting on Polyamory – I had to ask myself a few questions.
Could I be happy “sharing” Dot with another person ? I could, but under certain circumstances. Another woman yes, another man not so much. I know well enough Dot misses having a female lover, and someone she can treat as a “sister” (don’t get me wrong, we have a lot of close female friends we consider family, but this is different).
How much do I trust her ? One word: Implicitly. (end of this Explanation, it needs no more words.)
What do I want out of this? Ideally for me, it would be another person to share inside jokes with, someone to ADD to the already amazing conversations we share. Someone who understands and accepts our dynamic, they don’t need to be into TPE, however that would be a large bonus. I want to find someone that see’s in me even a quarter of what Dot see’s. I want someone that will love us equally without hesitation or reserve. I want someone that will respect, love and cherish this fantastic woman I consider to be my soul mate, my life, and the fire in my eyes when I have no fire of my own to give.
Can I overcome my own Jealousy and enjoy what a Triad could have to offer ? I am going to say, I think so. With Careful, open and honest communication between all parties involved anything is possible, my little fae has taught me this.
In all of this – I am STILL a touch leery, but what surprises me is it is less for selfish reasons at this point. I do NOT want my little fae hurt, not if it’s something I could prevent. I know, I know, she’s a big girl and can handle it. I’ve been hurt so many times by partners in the past, that if something were to happen I would do as I have always done, put my head into the wind and rain and continue moving forward. but for the life of me, I don’t think I could stand to see someone in our lives that didn’t Love her as deeply as I do, nor could I stand to see someone come into our lives that can’t accept her as she is – and I mean COMPLETELY. From her Quirks, to her (deliciously inappropriate) sense of humor, to that slightly sad look she gets when reflecting on past events, and she doesn’t think I notice. I want someone that will know during these times what she needs and will be willing to give as readily as I am. She deserve all that and more.
I just hope that if we don’t find that, at the very least we have fun trying – and even if it’s just the odd threesome, short term relationship, or for Life – She and I are, as always together.
Going forward I hope sincerely we at the bare minimum enjoy the experience, and if we don’t find our third, No matter what – we enjoy ourselves, the journey and the experiences.
In about two weeks time there is an event coming up that I am greatly looking forward to, it’s a weekend long “kinky camping” and workshop event, 3+ days of education, lifestyle related fun and scenes involving all manner of kinksters.
This particular event brings to light a few new things for me to experience, I have never been to an event where public play is encouraged, and if not encouraged, at the very least a normal part.
We have two very close friends who have recently expressed an interest in how we play, and I should quantify that we trust them enough to play in front of them, and I know that they want us to enjoy this event as much as they did their first go ’round last year. Part of their experience was something they refer to as one of their best scenes ever, and I truly do thank them for in their way trying to ensure we have as positive an experience as they did.
That said, there are a few reasons both my little fae and I (may) have a hard time with public scene’s and the rest of this writing will be my half of why I may have issues playing in public, which is largely because of the way we play.
I/we do not plan play, it is as organic as our TPE, one night we might not play at all, and the next just vanilla sex, with a night on the weekend of one of the most intense sessions we’ve had in a while.
Most of our play sessions begin with an act of submission from Dot, for example the question “Are you ready to serve, my little fae?” is my unspoken order for her to take off her clothes, prepare the bed to my specifications, and put on her training collar, Cuffs and return to me Kneeling in the position and manner we have practiced. I then have the ability to direct her to where ever I want our “scene” to take place.
On top of S&M being a large part of our Play, we also incorporate humiliation – I have no problem taunting and mocking Dot while she is stuck in a conundrum I have presented – laughing at her when she must decide to squirt, or hold her orgasm when there is Tiger Balm on her Clit and nipples, with the hitachi buzzing away, calling her my slut, my whore and laughing all the while. We incorporate a LOT of mental emotional and physical S&M.
This was a very very simple example, but I think it illustrates a very important aspect of us both, I love my little fae, and she loves me, But I can be a mean motherfucker and she likes that about me. I may break her, and enjoy it, but the true joy is putting her back together again when we’re done.
As a Strong pair of personalities, We both have issue with displaying vulnerability to people, and we’d have to trust the people watching a full out scene of ours immensely. The two I mentioned earlier, we do trust, along with a few others we have met. However, there are others in the community that, while we trust them, not to the extent required.
What about not putting it all out there though, and just showcasing an activity ? for educational purposes we could….but it is just that, in order for pleasure in our back and forth, we need aspects of EVERYTHING we do. Detachment mentally for her and I is not a possibility, we are so in tune with each other it’s scary some days.
Hopefully this has given some insight on the way we play, and why a small play party with trusted people will be a better arena for my first ever public scene, rather than a large event. We’re not ruling it out if it happens organically, but neither are we definitively planning to play in public.
So, Public scene’s: Awesome, or not ? Do you/have you and your partner ever done so, and what did you think ?