Trust is an odd thing, it takes a long time to build, but can be achieved in small measures with a leap of faith. Some believe Trust is earned, and others still that trust should be given freely until it is time to distrust that person.
In the context of Power exchange and Dominance and submission, (as well as for my purposes speaking from the left side of the slash) I am going to talk about a leap of faith.
**Please intersperse the respective power exchange identifiers with whatever you wish dynamic/gender (or non-gender) wise – for the sake of this writing I will be using Master/slave in a male Master/female slave combination.
In a TPE there are two choices – Either the slave trusts her Master to work for her best interests or she does not. This is not to say she can’t question if the need for clarification is strong, I encourage questions, because everything I do concerning those in my care has a very good reason. If the word of the Master has been agreed upon as final, then arguing further after a definitive statement is Insolent and cause for either discipline, or if grievous enough termination of the relationship.
Now, at the beginning of any TPE, a Master should assume a learning curve and be somewhat lenient. A little more so if the slave is new or inexperienced.
The onus here is on the slave to trust her Master implicitly in that what he does or orders is with her best interests at heart. If the slave wishes to earn some autonomy to make her own choices then showing good judgment in caring for her Masters property (herself and his other belongings) is the best way to do it. Many Masters wish to micromanage to a level of minutia, however many still do not wish to be burdened with choosing two outfits, two meals, or a haircut for he and his slave. I for one, don’t know a goddamn thing about female fashion – So I let my slave dress herself for the most part unless there is a particular outfit I want to see her in. However she EARNED that right through smart and adult choices and measured reactions to situations.
Now the other side of the coin – If mentally the trust is there, then it should extend to all things, including the physicality of S&M play.
Some would argue this is mental as well, and I would agree wholeheartedly – however the slave must trust the Master to know when enough is enough – generally endorphin rush and subspace (slave space) can lead to the slave disregarding her physical limitations and end up taking more pain than is safe to handle. I have been told by many a masochist that the urge to take and take and take can outweigh the need for self preservation. The slave must trust that when the Master says no more, it is because he doesn’t want her to be unable to move, or sit, or function the rest of the week – a bedridden slave due to a severe beating will be unable to perform her duties, or carry out tasks, both special and mundane.
Finally trust leads to consequence.
Consequences for failing to trust ones Master can take many forms – one of which is punishment from her Master as I mentioned earlier.
Then there are the unintended consequences – An example: The slave knows that she can ask for play from another Master (who may be adept at something her Master is not) and as a reward receive permission to do so. So the slave wanders off to have her pussy tortured. Now bear in mind this is all with her Masters say so…. because he felt to reward her. You would also have to understand that should the Master require the use of his slave for sexual gratification, now her pussy is either unusable or painful enough that penetration causes issues, and As such she is unusable by her Master for that purpose for the next few days. (this scenario becomes more evident if it is a slave or submissive who has to safeword due to pain).
Trust in your Sir to know your physical limitations sometimes better than you do, his JOB is to ensure you are healthy (mentally emotionally AND physically), happy and sound. With that said the end game goal is to know how to achieve these things on your own, even if you are uncollard, or unowned – it just helps to have someone there to watch over you and ensure that if you fall of the path to these things you get right back on.
In the end Trust in a Power Exchange is something that At first requires a leap of faith to surrender control, however by constantly trusting your Master more and more great things can be achieved, and massive growth for both partners is possible, along with the relationship.
Just a few things I’ve been rattling in my head, I could clarify more, however for now I just want the thoughts Out there.
Every so often I come across something that makes me either laugh or shake my head depending on the day…. Today I had a moment that made me do both.
Last night my little Fae and I got to “play”, I use quotations because it most certainly was much more – Probably our hardest scene to date, her ass is currently riddled with needle pricks on top of 70-ish lashes with the belt.
I was understandably happy with my handy work and So I took a few “after pictures”, one of which I shared on fetlife to friends only. Now my Friends list isn’t massive, I prefer to keep it to people I have either met in person, or interact with on a regular basis. however a DOZEN pictures like this were posted the night before, from an event we had’nt been able to attend by women who had scenes in the dungeon, So I figured my little fae and I would add to them.
So, I posted the Pic and went to bed thinking I would check to see if there were comments etc.
1 “love”, just one.
Now I’m not out for attention, or to whore approval, but as I was thinking about it, it brought to light an interesting comparison. My little fae’s Friendslist is only 12 people bigger and 12 different people other than I have, HOWEVER I have notcied she gets much more interaction than I do, for very similar pictures, and I got to thinking.
Most average guys like me are on fet to meet people, gain knowledge and the Like, however in order to get interaction on thier profile I can -almost- understand the multitude of cock pics. It may be semi negative attention from women, but it’s still attention.
So why is it, that on Fetlife on Friends only posts, that I see so much more attention lavished on women ? as opposed to the person whoi did the Spanking/Whipping/Flogging etc ?
After all, sometimes all the Sub does is Bring the Canvas – it’d be like crediting the Canvas maker for the Mona Lisa instead of Da Vinci.
Random thought, but it’s tickling my Brain.
It’s been a Hectic week, and one that has some lifestyle related stuff, however this is going to be a pretty general “this is my Life at the moment” kinda post.
Well, we got to play, finally. It was amazing to finally have the time to do so – Sensory deprivation and needle play – My beautiful little fae responded well and as a result is now sporting some lovely marks down the front of her body from both the needle “butttons” on her breasts, along with my name lightly carved down her belly on both sides…. it had been too long, but the play time itself was incredible.
Also, I recieved a Quasi-promotion at work along with one other, we are going to be stepping up into essentially co-store manager positions (while still answering to the general manager), As our GM is stepping back into more of a consultant role due to severe health issues, with this comes a raise, more responsibilities and new things to learn, do and be accountable for. I got home less than 20 minutes ago after meeting with our operations manager from another city to discuss things we can and cannot do regarding the store, inventory etc… over all it has been an awesome week for me job/career wise.
After all of this happened and things were done, I received a Facebook message from someone I went to high school with and a year Prior had given some information regarding Paleo eating and where to go for information…. his progress is amazing I must say – 40lbs down and 4inches on his waist…. he messaged and thanked me profusely, along with (and I take this with a grain of salt) thanking me for saving his life. I was stunned speechless and very pleased to have made such an impact on him.
Through all of this, I can’t even begin to describe how amazing my little fae has been. She is my support system, my sounding board, my conscience, and my logic. She’s helped me slow down and think, weigh the pro’s and cons, been my throttle when I needed it, and been of more help than I could have ever asked. Good Girl is not enough to describe what she has been to me lately, and always.
I must say, I am beyond amazed at how well life is going at the moment, there are of course things that could be better, but on a whole I am a Pretty happy guy right now.
“This is My life now.”
I said those words half Jokingly to my little fae the other day returning from a play party we attended in the big(ger) city east of us… Not so sadly this is a complete truth and honestly, I am ok (and maybe better than ok) with it.
As I have mentioned before, I am relatively new to the Kink Community – for years we were a Private and solitary D/s (now M/s) couple. As we started getting active and eventually taking a place as organizers alongside another couple in our local community, We became aware of events hosted in our neighboring city, and by people in that city in other locations closer to home. I have talked at length about what a positive experience MaST was for U/us , along with the Kinky Camping weekend I talked about briefly in another previous post.
Now the kinky camping weekend(FFG) is where the heavy shit started to hit me, and this past month became a whirlwind of learning, new experiences and self-growth for me.
What to say about FFG ? 4 days of workshops, demo’s and getting to know new people…. The slightly shocking part for me basically happened right off the hop, the headline presenter was set to do 4 workshops over the weekend and started off the first night with an… Active demo of Cock sucking and face fucking – I should point out, said presenter is a leather dyke… that in and of itself is new, throw in her and her slave demonstrating technique on a strap on (over underwear) and that about set the tone for the weekend. There were workshops on Sadism (playing on the darkside) electro and Fire play demos, water boarding demo’s and all sorts of things that were 100% new to me. Including a dungeon – W/we didn’t play, but we watched, and it was my first foray into seeing (many) public scenes. The entire weekend was life changing for me, a justification of what I have been doing as a D-type up until now, and I made Friends I consider lifelong. Processing all of the new information, and experiences was difficult at first, my brain was sluggish and still trying to cope with all of the stimuli, however I am one of those lucky people that can adapt quickly. Truth be told, even adapting to the nude friendly environment was tough for me…. up until now, except for porn, nudity was something I was only familiar with, with my partners behind closed doors, it was hard not to stare at some of the gorgeous women, but I do have the ability to concentrate very hard on someone’s face if need be, which probably saved me a time or two.
FFG was not only a stampede of firsts for me as well, it was a series of firsts for my little fae and I too. We (she) spent that whole weekend “test-driving” being a slave over being a submissive, and we found that it was easy, manageable and as a result have made it official that we are now an M/s dynamic – as nothing much changed from one to the other, The growth of this dynamic will eventually become another post (or 10) I am sure. We also had our first blood play scene which left some AMAZING marks, which leads me to another first – because of the sex/body positive environment I was comfortable for the first time showing off my little fae and her marks which included the entirety of her back, and ass. I am a private person so doing this for me was a huge step – however I would say I’m over that (more later), I was absolutely beaming at how proud I was to both show off some of my sadistic work, as well as show off my beautiful little fae to people…. I felt very Liberated and happy to do so.
With FFG over the latter part of the next week was spent with a vanilla friend who travelled about 36 hours to come see us, we did touristy stuff, took him out for some Local Canadian food (seriously why does the rest of the world not have poutine?) and on the Thursday he set off back down to Texas. On the Saturday of that week we were again off to the larger city to the east for a MaST meeting.
The MaST meeting itself ended up being just a get together and chat meeting, and it was nice to sit and talk with other TPE couples in a relaxed and non-topical driven setting . it was here that one of the leaders of the MaST chapter (Rand) said innocently enough “Glad you two made it out, but now you know you have to come back out next weekend, right ?”, uhm why ? “we’re having a get together and we would love it if you could come, we have a room you can crash in too!” . Thus began my (our) next set of new experiences.
As you have likely guessed, the get together was a play party.
If FFG was a shock, it was tempered by the fact that most of the play, scenes, and going’s on were sometimes at a distance, and because of that I had a buffer of sorts, it was easy to get “air” if I needed it to process. I’ll admit, when my thick Ukrainian head finally realized this was our first play party invite I got a touch nervous, not knowing what to expect. Off to the City we went again the next weekend.
The play party started off vanilla enough, sitting around their fire pit and talking with a few of the people, two of which we had met and gotten to know fairly well at FFG, and from the interaction there and at MaST, She (we’ll call her B) was obviously very very interested in my little fae. While sitting around the fire and visiting B came over to chat with my little fae and I, and for a time I had two very beautiful women sitting at my feet…. I admit, it was unexpected, and yet I felt at ease, and oddly content to be able to listen to the ladies chat while I surfed into and out of conversations, and talked with them both as well.
As the Fire wound down, we all headed inside, and got settled… Rand, his Wife/sbumissive (A) and his babygirl (J) offered up a bedroom and we stashed our gear and headed down to the party. I’ll spare most the details for the sake of anonymity, but shortly after the Rules for the play party were given, my little fae excused herself and went upstairs to our room, she returned wearing nothing but her Collar and a Shirt that was long enough to cover her – barely, Needless to say I approved. She took her place at my feet and we talked with some people watched a bit of play, and again I was saved by my ability to focus on people’s faces. After a short while, B found us and she (in Garter/stockings and small panties) informed my little fae that she was over dressed. My little fae looked at me, and I knew she was inquiring as to whether or not I was comfortable with her getting completely naked. I looked from her to B, and as I did B dropped to her knees and Begged me. I let her stay there on her knees for a few minutes, and truth be told, I was enjoying every second of it. I thought about it very very hard in those few seconds, was I comfortable showing off my property ? Why not ? we’re in a group of people that I feel a connection with, my little fae is drop dead gorgeous, and I am very proud of her for the work she has put in to improve her body type, so fuck it. I pulled her shirt off her and B almost squealed and clapped.
As the night wore on, we watched some (more) play, talked about kink, BDSM, and other things, and then from out of nowhere the female half of a pair of kinksters we had met (who was wearing nothing but a pair of panties) exclaims “I haven’t put my face in your tits yet!” to my little fae… again my little fae looked to me for permission, and the other lady did as well. Again, I thought about it – I know my little fae likes women, always has (she’s technically had more Girlfriends than I have), and the determining factor – we have been keeping an eye out for a Female to join us in a triad. In a way this was a low commitment one off situation that would give me a chance to see if I could deal with it, So I gave my permission. There was No Contact below the Navel, and I was behind my little fae holding her while she played, within seconds B had realized that there was space, and she joined the other woman. I’ll stop there for hope my blog doesn’t become weighed down with sex, rather than the thought process associated with it. I will say – I was More than ok with it, it was fucking hot.
The night ended and the local guests headed home, W/we however stayed up for a few hours more talking with Rand and A, J having gone to bed. I cannot stress how amazing of a hosts these two were, in the morning before we left, A even cooked us omelets before they’d see us out the door. You don’t see hospitality like we were shown often and so I must say I more than appreciated it.
“This is my life now”.
I have to say that I am ok with everything that has transpired in this amazing month, I know things are just getting started for me in an “out in the community” sense. I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention that a large part of this is due to the type of woman my slave is, she understands that this is all new to me, it is her “normal” and she wishes it to be mine, but understands my needs well enough that everything that transpires has to be at my pace, whatever that is.
I am looking forward to more of these experiences, educational opportunities, and just plain fun… Without gushing I can say that I wouldn’t change a moment of the last month, it has opened my eyes to so much that I need to learn, adjust to, and overcome to become comfortable with where I want U/us to go.
“This is my Life now” and I can’t wait to experience more. Thank you my little fae for the past month, and being the good girl you are.
Lets talk judgement.
Now I’m not talking about right, wrong, Moral, immoral. I’m talking about being judgmental and how we express our views of different positions on things in the lifestyle.
My little fae and I came into a discussion where someone had asked opinions on what people thought of Financial Dominants/Domination or the request of tributes from a Submissive to a Dominant. The Initial comments were disheartening to say the least, words like prostitute, mooch, and attention whore. So, I waded in and pointed out that financial domination and tributes are commonplace as a legitimate kink, with examples to prove my point. For my little fae this hit close to home, and we both passionately requested a bit of civility in the discussion.
As I continue this writing the discussion is ongoing, and words like “call girl” and points being made that if you have to “buy” domination it’s not real…. People forget that with the multitudes of kinks, fetishes, and dynamics out there we will never have agreement on anything. The important part to remember is, that if we disagree we don’t have to be fucking rude about it. With the above example I should point out, I do not expect tributes from my submissive, nor do I have any interest in financial domination, however I took to the devil’s advocate side to perhaps get people to think about what they were saying, and who they might be alienating by using some of the words they did.
In the wide world of kink, we can all disagree, but being open minded and civil in our disagreements…. along with being able to learn, grow and possibly change our opinion if there is a compelling argument….all part and parcel of personal growth in the lifestyle.
The First time I ever caught a Glimpse of something BDSM related, was Pretty innocent.. Batman Returns, Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, the skin tight latex, the nails and of course, the whip. I was 16, innocent and didn’t know exactly why I liked her sadistic and sexy attitude, BUT there it was filed away in my head for later….uhm….Material. For the most part over the years mainstream movies are littered with these references, Remember Madonna in body of evidence ? Sharone Stone in Basic Instinct ? Even Famke Janssen in Goldeneye (James Bond). These are 3 of the examples that stand out to me, Save one other example that I’ll talk about in a bit.
if you’ve never seen these movies, let me say that all 4 of the characters in question share a few similar traits, they’re all cold, calculating, dangerous, sexy, and they’re all murderers. the Catwoman Bodysuit and whip combination eventually (not sure how) became my defacto idea of what a Dominatrix should look like and is in fact how many professional domina’s chose to dress, as well as “amateurs”. So as a young man Prior to my revelation in 1999 I equated BDSM with Subservient men who would let a Dominatrix do whatever they wanted to them, While these women were sexy, I think I was more turned on by the latex, and the actual act of Domination they were putting out there than the man being in a submissive position. Assuming there were no dominant men in the BDSM lifestyle and as such I discarded it, even when it came up in conversation up until I saw a movie that put a different spin on BDSM.
Eye’s Wide Shut.
While Sensationalized and obviously a “fake” shadow society, I was intrigued. So I did a bit of research and found out, yes there’s men in BDSM, yes they Can be dominant, and No it’s not all catsuits and whips. I had to leave it at this because at that point in my life I was in a very vanilla and VERY destructive phase in my life.
So what did I expect ? even after watching Eyes Wide shut, and doing a bit of Collateral research on the (still fledgling) Internet, I expected to be accosted by a leather clad, whip wielding amazonian and pressed into a cycle of pain and sexual slavery, because I had no Idea I was (or could be) a Dominant…my brain was too clouded by personal issues, and influence from main stream media. I built this world in my head of what BDSM MUST be because I didn’t take the time to live, understand and talk to real people.
Here I am 15 years (give or take) from watching Eyes Wide Shut and almost 20 from watching Catwoman Purr and stretch herself out in that catsuit. I still Love my women in corsets, and PVC, I Still like a Strong woman, and I still think Heeled Boots are hot as shit (Pumps too for that matter). I still look back on the Wax play scene from Body of evidence and remember the feeling it gave me to watch Her do that, I wanted to have that control, I wanted to be the irresistible sexually free in control one.
Realistically things are a little bit different.
I’m the Dom, I’m the sadist, I’m the one that is not only the one in charge sexually, but I am the one that is part of Guiding her, cherishing her, and telling her to be my good little whore. I can ask her at any time to pick out a corset and wear it for me. I can punish her when she’s being a disobedient pain in my ass.
Because she willingly has surrendered to me.
We have a verbal contract of sorts, we talk, we laugh, we make weird noises, we tell inside jokes in outside voices. We communicate – She tells me what she likes, doesn’t like, her hopes, her dreams, her fears.
I am not and will not ever be ANYONE’S Mister Grey. He is an unrealistic expectation of mainstream media, that, if held on to. Can and will Jade, disappoint and corrupt both the view of the community from outsiders and new comers. Ideals such as Mister Grey glorify domestic violence, and using deciet, rather than open communication in the lifestyle. Think I’m full of shit ? He made her sign that Contract under threat of abandonment. Sound sketchy at all ?
I’m Syn, I talk to my Submissive, I hold her when she Cries, I share her Triumphs, I share her learning experiences. I hold her after I Punish her, and I whisper good girl in her ear when she’s coming down. I guide her to be a better person, and I look ahead to what we will become. We are real, we have flaws and I’m ok with that.
Talk to people with real world experience before you get upset you can’t find your Christian Grey, or Selena Kyle. the reality of a D/s lifestyle might not be for you, but if it is you’ll end up taking a REAL journey that defies explanation.