The Perfect Storm (Or: But wait! There’s MORE!)

You know that Movie from 2000 The Perfect Storm ? No? you should go watch it, seriously, because I’m about to use a part of the ending from it as a comparison, and I don’t want to be THAT dick that spoils a really good movie for you.

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So at the end of the movie there’s a Scene where a MASSIVE wave has overturned the Andrea Gail and George Clooney’s character is in the wheelhouse and pushes Mark Walberg’s Character out and to give him a chance to survive, while retreating into the darkness ?

I can kind of empathize with Clooney at this point.

Now I’m not intentionally trying to be melodramatic, but today has been one of those days where the water just kept rushing in, and more and more keeps piling up.

So what’s going on you may ask ?

First off, dot and I are fine, dealing with everything but realistically our relationship is as strong, if not stronger than it’s ever been .

On another relationship front, things aren’t so good. Today dot and bubs ended their relationship. Now I have known for some time that dot was feeling used, and unnoticed by bubs, and I tried to tell bubs as such without overstepping into a territory that would force them into a relationship. However, there was no follow through on certain things from bubs, and dot, being very logical and of no time for that sort of thing ended up pulling away to the point where she ended things earlier today.

Which leads into me.

I am now at a junction, bubs and I haven’t been doing well from a TPE standpoint at all – and I have discussed the things she needs to work on, however these things have come to a head and it compounds with her BPD escalating, her thinking the thought that she is now going to lose me, because the triad we had searched for never really stabilized.

My issue is this – Recently I have felt as though the last 3 months have just gone in one ear and out the other with bubs, simple concepts I would expect someone under consideration to grasp and execute are just NOT THERE. Or my word is taken as a suggestion not an order, even after punishment and re-evaluation,  the same mistakes are continuing to be made. SO now I have some thinking to do.

But wait! There’s MORE!

I am also watching two families implode, my leather family is having their own struggles with BPD, their other partner and things in general.  I feel rather helpless thinking I should be doing more to help, but also knowing I can’t until things settle with them all. Not to mention their partner who is basically my sister is training her three girls and dealing with their recent issues and fuck-ups still haunting them, and dealing with that.

But wait! There’s MORE!

Work is having an issue with a young man who works for us who doesn’t know better than to discuss with clients how fucking wasted he got last night, etc, and even after telling our manager repeatedly, she refuses to take action to discipline or fire (which is the only real choice). This drives me fucking crazy. I’ve talked to the kid, but being unable to discipline him, it goes in one ear and out the other. At work, sadly I am a dog without teeth, nothing more than my words. And no matter how I approach it, I’m stuck bailing out water with my regulars because of this irresponsible jackass child and the weak person in the authoritative position to correct it.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of tonight we may be hosting someone from the community as a “couch-guest” for a while – They fucked up with the lease on their apartment, and as such will be homeless in less than 48 hours.  Now bear in mind, we currently ALSO have dot’s oldest and her partner staying with us until they find a place. So a 2 bedroom home could possibly now have 5 people (and 4 cats) living in it for a while.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of 4PM this afternoon (as I found out from my father in the last 20 minutes of work), My mother was admitted to the hospital because of her recent injury.  She has found herself unable to move or walk very well from a pinched nerve in her lower back – My mother is 73 and also recently tore all the ligaments in her leg due to a blackout/fall some months ago. She is currently settled in the hospital and on an IV rehydrating from lack of water, and also being treated for a lack of nutrition – due to not being able to sit and cook and the like. My father didn’t know this because mom never said a word to him or I. She was more worried about being a burden to people than being healthy, which is out and out destructive pride.

But wait! There’s MORE! (sort of)

There are some other things going on of note that has contributed to the day, however I will discuss those at a later time, because they deserve more attention and examination than a paragraph in an already comprehensive entry.

I’m feeling rather overwhelmed today (and really for the last few days and weeks), but writing was high on my list of priorities to get this out of my head….

I’m not sure of solutions or much of anything at this point, I just needed to put it in words so I can dump some of the stress, refocus and re-arm.

Regards,

 

Syn.

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Had a Ball, and it Didn’t Deflate.

 

The weekend is over, and I must say although I am exhausted , I am also very content – and in a much better headspace about some things.

Saturday was The Ball in the neighboring city, so after work off we went .  We got there later, so we ended up dressing quickly and going with our Family to the Bar where the event is hosted.

It was fantastic to see everyone, and be greeted warmly by people. I am not, by nature a hugger, but I find it easy to accept and give hugs with all of these friends.

I must admit I am more at peace with my earlier issues regarding looking for a third, and am slowly finding my Fuckitall Zen. (this is relevant to the rest of what is about to follow).

When someone joins our local community (as more than a creeper) it’s a pretty big deal, and recently a woman joined/posted in our local group – being a curious pair, my little fae and I checked out her profile, and we were beyond impressed Cute (from her grainy picture) and intelligent/articulate. So needless to say we were looking forward to meeting her at the munch on the 24th.

Imagine our surprise, when after saying some requisite hello’s and hugs all around for some, we stepped into the main area of the Ball, and from across the room – there she was, 6 foot plus, in a corset, garters, panties and high heels (with pigtails). I think we were both struck almost speechless.

We did get a chance to meet her, and I was pretty proud of myself, I didn’t stammer at all, and even managed to get a laugh or two out of her. After my little fae and I said our goodbye’s and continued on to our table and visited with the MaST organizers, who also happen to be our family, and the other two a pair we consider good friends. The second pair is a Lesbian couple – Master and slave and very very much like us in the way we are…. this was the first real event we had seen them at outside of MaST, and a dinner they invited us to at their home.  I loved being able to visit and laugh with all of them.

During this event, there are kink vendors galore, and from another contact of ours we purchased a Plug and Tail for my little fae, as well as a Brand new 20″ oiled leather Flogger, Along with a new leopard print collar for my little fae.

After a Post Ball trip to a restaurant for a late night snack, it was back to the house to sleep.

The next morning I had a chat with Randilin and Tamile, I was curious about their thoughts on my  recent Needle play experience, and resulting battle with my brain, along with some thoughts on how that related to my little fae and I searching for our third.

My talk with them was also a form of personal growth for me. Even a year ago, my little fae, and these pages would have been the only place I would have voiced my problems, and I cannot thank those two for their insight, and compassion – they did largely reinforce many things I had already come to terms with, but also sent me home with some reading material and a bit more to think about. Truth be told, I will likely be better moving forward than I would have been without the conversation.

I will have more on this I am sure, but for now, Just a recap.

I am looking forward to the munch, and enjoying the ride to come…. I know I’ll be fighting my head for a while to come, but at least now I know where to start.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

Vanilla, Chocolate, at the very least I want Sprinkles.

A group we are part of on fetlife recently Posed a musing – one in regards to people “ignoring” their vanilla Friends when the become involved in the lifestyle. I don’t really agree with it, but not in the way you think.

As I get older I find I don’t want to have to separate my Kinky Friends (or life) from my vanilla, I am who I am and I want to surround myself with people who accept and like me for that reason, not because they only see one side of me.

I saw answers ranging from I jumped in with both feet and ignored my vanilla friends, to not really – I have a healthy balance.

Because of my past, I HAD to get rid of all my old friends as there was not one to be found that was a healthy enough influence to maintain my sobriety. During that period of my life I had multiple circles of friends; One for the Gamers, one for the geeks, one for the people I worked with at the bar, one for the drugs and alcohol, and the circle of partiers I ran with and then there was the person I was in private when I was by myself. There was a small bit of overlap, but for the most part I kept (and had to) them all separate, and it eventually drove me insane having to hide parts of me from people because they wouldn’t accept me.

As I mentioned as I get older, I WANT my Kinky friends to become my vanilla friends too – yeah, having Kink’s in common is nice, but I’d love to be able to sit down with the same people I was -just- at a play party with the night before, and Play a game of Carcassonne, or watch the New episode of Doctor WHO, or even discussing the hot scene last night in the middle of the party in between the rest. As you can guess my little fae and I are “out” as members of the community, but we don’t flaunt it – even our vanilla Family and Friends are at the very least kink friendly, so if something slips out we don’t have to worry about them wondering wtf because they have no context.

Now, don’t get me wrong I understand that for professionals, politicians, and certain other folks a level of discretion is needed…. but my big question is this – if you DO have to hide in your professional life, why subject yourself to doing so around Friends that are supposed to enrich and accept all aspects of who you are ?

Just a few thoughts on a subject that tickled my attention a bit.

Regards,

 

Syn

Hetero Leather Culture – In the Spirit of Leather.

I recently finished a fantastic book on Old Guard rituals and protocols. I’m not by any means gay or bisexual as I have mentioned, however it was an excellent accounting of traditions and protocols as he remembered from his time in that era.

I have taken an interest in leather culture, families, and old guard mentality. Being Protocol and etiquette driven , it seems a natural progression in my evolution. My little fae recently surprised me again by  revealing that she was old leather – perhaps not from the 60/70’s but she had involvement with the leather community in the 80’s and beyond. How much I am not sure, as sometimes I have to be very specific in the questions I ask – she has issues just spewing (as she calls it) information about her past.

I have found in my research, that information regarding leather culture is very hard to come by….and that information is divided at best. Add on top of this my desire to learn, and research hetero leather culture and how it relates to Old Guard leather, and I have become…frustrated at best.

I feel personally as though I missed the boat on certain things, and perhaps a bit of an outside looking in mentality… As we get further and further from the 60’s those that remember old guard traditions, and teachings are harder and harder to find. Our community is small, and the neighboring one has a leather family(one that I know of) I have not had the chance to meet yet.

I suppose what will happen is my continued reading of Guy Baldwins material and other respected members of the old guard that still share their knowledge,  Surely out there somewhere is an accounting of how Old guard may have evolved to incorporate hetero additions to the community. I will until then, continue to best carry the spirit of leather, and uphold as many of the values, beliefs, and protocols as I can inside the bounds of what works for our M/s relationship.

 

Regards,

 

Syn