Lessons, Leather, and Small Cats.

It’s odd how something so intensely personal on one level, can get you thinking about something which seemingly has no real relation to it in the first place.

Then the connections and reasoning become clear.

I lost my Constant companion Daisy a little over a month and a half ago, and truth be told it’s still affecting me today, I still come home and have to stop myself from checking her nap spots, or worrying about feeding times. I still get sad, having her Urn near me on my bedside table simultaneously makes me feel better she is near and fills me with sadness my friend is gone and I’ll never be able to trade head boops with her again. I will say though, it’s gotten me thinking.

In my past and especially at the start of my leather journey I was so fucking worried about being universally liked or desired, or even fucking NOTICED. I went out of my way to try and achieve these things and ended up angry (in my head), when I was ignored or dismissed because of stupid and arbitrary things, like my physical appearance, or play style, or clothing choice – hell even the fact I had a dick. There were friends and acquaintances, who to my FACE, told me that they wished I wasn’t in the picture so they could “go after” my slave. Truth be told it was soul-crushing at points.

When I was younger, I was always the fat wingman, the white knight, and the “buddy” who always third wheeled. Reliving that in my adult life, albeit differently since I am in a committed Power Exchange, with not only someone who is my slave, girl, little fae, best friend and fiance, made me question connections I had made, and overall community on a whole.

Then we met the people who would eventually become “The Herd”, and Some others who might as well be family too. (you know who you all are, and if you don’t – Ask. <3)

So where does Daisy fit in all this?

As I reflected on the years with her, I realized a few things I should have a long time ago.

Cats, dogs, animal companions, in general, don’t give a fuck what you look like, how you dress, or if you make an ass of yourself. They love and accept you completely, without reservation. They will cuddle with you if you had a bad day, and you can tell them your secrets, content in the knowledge you won’t be judged or have it used against you because they can gain something. They don’t care if you have a penis, a vagina, or your sexual orientation. True companions simply want to be with you when you experience life, they want connective experiences, love, and affection, and will return what you put out in kind.

These are the connections I crave, value and want in my life.

I have all this and more with my girl, as well as my other partner Trixie and her primary. I’ve recently discovered this with The Herd and other others who have become family of choice. Discussions and laughs over a Too-big (LOL) breakfast, smiles and tackle hugs from people I see far too little of. Even connections we’ve made in other provinces, Saskatchewan, Alberta, and beyond, being welcomed with an open heart and arms is new to me, and I must say I appreciate it more than I can express, and I value each and every one of you.

I’ve never really had anyone close enough to me I would consider A Brother or Sister of choice, and truth be told, now that I do, I find it hard to express just how much it means to me…. I consider you family, my tribe, and I hope that I can be someone you are proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with. Others from the Leather Nation who I’ve met, and helped show me their connections and energy, thank you – coupled with some introspection, it has restored some of my faith in people, and I hope I can return some of that energy and positivity some day.

It seems odd that a tiny, outcast, feral cat could help me realize these things, but I swear that’s how my mind connected the dots. I’ve always said lessons can come from anywhere, and I believe it more now than ever.

The next part of growth is for me learning how to verbally articulate these things rather than spewing them out in text.

People deserve to know they are valued, loved and accepted unconditionally.

A tiny cat, who just happened to be the best friend I ever had taught me that, and I’m sure she still has lessons for me for years to come.

In leather,

 

Syn

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Fear, Growth, and Keeping things on the Radar.

Fear is an odd thing. We all have fears, some more than others, fear is part of this weird cocktail of emotions that make us human.

I was raised to be fearful of change, I love my parents, but they’ve been stuck in the mindset of fearing change for more years than I can count, or remember. Time and time again I will say something and my little fae will say to me “That’s your Mother talking, Sir.” and she’s not wrong. That is her loving way of reminding me that I need to take a breath and alter my thought pattern on whatever we’re talking about.

As of late, my Mother’s voice has been in my head a lot.

So what change am I fearful of?

It’s hard to explain, with our goals for the upcoming year I am less fearful and more restless, I don’t like dragging my heels when it comes to things we want to get done. Where I am concerned, in order to progress with self, I have to address a few things and hope for some self-acceptance.

All my life I’ve struggled with body image and acceptance. In high school, I was a huge geek who preferred to read and play video games rather than sports – My formative years during puberty were spent being turned down by girls in favor of athletes and in other cases someone who wasn’t fat and could talk to girls without turning beet red. Now I understand this was in some cases twenty years ago, but the lessons and head fuckery still pop up today. Even in front of my little fae I can still be self-conscious about my body hair, and figure. I am getting better a little bit at a time, However, it’s a slow process and one that is hampered by the fact that certain people in the lifestyle can be shallow. I might not face the direct cruelty that teenagers are capable of, but if you think men aren’t held to a beauty standard, even in a body positive space like the kink community, you’re kidding yourself. Don’t believe me? Look up “bears” on fetlife, and try to find something that doesn’t revolve around a relationship based on fetishization outside the gay community. I’ll wait. Even now, during operation look better naked, I’ll still be a bear – I’m built big, and the downside is, I don’t have the height to match. Lol.

The other thing I fear and more immediate in nature is confronting my Wants and Desires in regard to the lifestyle. My needs are well met by my little fae, and I’ve tackled a few wants, I have Lola as a partner as well, who understands healthy polyamory more than I would have guessed, she and her primary have been amazing as we explore this. There are other things than what I mentioned in my previous post which I consider harder to simply talk about and even acknowledge they exist as a thought in my head. Some of these things are desires, some are wants. Some are relatively tame, and just need some further work to make a reality. Others will need some help from self-acceptance, and conversations with my little fae and perhaps Lola -if- I think she can help. it’s a scary thing opening up some of your deeper and more closely guarded thoughts, even to people you love and trust.

Now, this point isn’t so much fear, as confusion. For my entire life, I’ve identified as straight, however, there’s always been that little voice in the back of my head that isn’t so sure. I should clarify this before I go any further. from a purely physical standpoint, I am definitely attracted to women – curvy, bigger, muscular, average, athletic it doesn’t matter – I love ALL female shapes and sizes. As of a year ago (think), I found myself attracted to a MtF transgendered Pre-op woman, I love her brain and her personality, and in the process, I found there may have been some pants feelings attached to this. Now, nothing ever came of it, and probably for the best – she and I are what I would consider great friends, and her partners are fantastic. It just put the thought in my head, that I might be “Pan-curious” – hey, if people can be bi-curious or heteroflexible, I can be Pan-curious, maybe I’ll meet a brain at some point that does it for me again. Or does that make me queer? It bears some thought.

It’s Ironic I saved this one for last, as my little fae was just here to drop off some things at work, and get her collar put on, so she read everything up to this point prior to it being finished.

This one is one I always battle with, I always have a low-level fear of fucking up, or not being “enough” for my little fae. I am told time and time again by people that she’s too good for me, or that I’m in the way and if I wasn’t they’d “steal” her. I’ve had people say this directly to my face, and sometimes in front of her, both men and more often, women. Now I should point out that more often than not I ignore them out of hand, but cumulatively even though she tells me there’s no chance, that little voice in the back of my head sometimes gets just a bit louder. I wonder if someday I’m not going to be enough to help her when she hits a low,  I wonder if someday I just won’t be…. enough. I have to wonder if I can continue to provide what she needs to be a healthy and happy girl, at least to the best of my ability. It’s a dumbass way to think, but when dealing with the gremlins in your head, you have to realize it will happen.

In the end, fear is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to progress out there. For me posting this here is a step towards healthy vulnerability and addressing some harder topics for me, they are topics that don’t really fit with the normal narrative for me, these are things I don’t have solutions for – and really lack any sort of cohesive plan, but they do bear acknowledging and remembering they are there.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

 

 

 

Defending Your Life.

As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have a very eclectic taste in movies, my top 5 are all over the map. I do want to talk about one in particular. However, the list has an overriding theme that I think will become clear if you are familiar with them.

  1. Fight Club
  2. Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
  3. Tombstone
  4. What Dreams May Come
  5. Defending Your Life

Now if you know all the movies on my list, you get major cinephile cred with me.  That said, I am sure more than a few of you had to click the link for Defending Your Life. It’s major draw in the 90’s was (and would be today) that Meryl Streep was in it. Truth be told this is one of the few movies with her in it I can stomach (and maybe Julie and Julia). That’s neither here nor there, however. Have you figured out the one thread that ties this movie to the others on my list?

They are all about confronting fear or dealing with it.

Albert Brooks wrote this movie and the end premise is about conquering fear and how many times you are fearless quantifying if you are ready to move on to the hereafter.

So what does this have to do with either my journey, or BDSM, or both?

Bear with me, I want to tell you a little story about myself first – we’ll get there, I promise.

When I was in high school, not many people knew, but I LOVED sports – and a few would have agreed I was really good at quite a few of them. I never played on high school teams though.

One afternoon when I was 16 or 17 (grade 11) a bunch of us had a free period and would go fuck around in the gym. Well rather than just shooting hoops by myself, as I did ALL the time at home, and during some free periods, there was a volleyball net set up. You see, my school had one of the best Highschool AAA volleyball teams in the country (for both boys and girls). In my high school, volleyball players were treated with the same reverence some high schools treat their basketball and football players. Well, I couldn’t shoot hoops, but one of the girls I had known since primary school invited me to fill the 6th position on their team, I am sure the rest of the varsity team was salivating at the prospect of spiking a ball directly into my face. You see on a good day back then I was 5’9 and 180 Lbs – Short and built like a beer keg – great for the martial arts I was involved in, not so good for vertical lift.

So, the game begins and I try as hard as I can, I’m diving for digs, and receiving in the back row fairly well.  I Always try as hard as I can, no matter what I’m doing. Suddenly it’s my turn in the front row, now for those who are not familiar the front row is responsible for attacking – Spikes, and blocking spikes – Oh shit. Truth be told I did better than OK, and the Short beer keg looking bastard that I was even managed to get high enough to Spike the ball with a reasonable downward arc.

When we were done and just sitting back on the bleachers waiting for the bell, I had 3 members of the boys and girls varsity teams ask me why I never tried out – in their estimation, I would have made the cut. I never did answer them with more than a smile and a shrug. But I knew the answer clanging around in my head all too well.

I was Scared of Fucking up and being laughed at and ridiculed.

I have no real defense, other than to explain that I was raised that way – my parents were both scared of me getting hurt, or worse if I ever played sports or did anything physical. Even the martial arts I was involved in, I kept MUCH of the physicality of the sparring to myself so that they wouldn’t “convince” me to stop going.

Now that all of that is at least 20+ years behind me, I look back on it and laugh at what a poor mindset that was. I look at my mom who I love dearly and see all the irrational (to me) things she still harbors fear about, I don’t want to end up like that – however it is hard to undo YEARS of growing up with that, much like deprogramming people who are no longer catholic, but will still answer “and also with you” when they hear “may the lord be with you”.

With BDSM, and power exchange, We are all living outside of the norm – most of society would Squirm if they ever witnessed a scene between a sadist and masochist in real time. I remember an incident on fetlife with a face slapping video: someone watched it and because people fear that which is unknown or foreign to them this man threatened to call the police on them for domestic violence. Fear is everywhere, and it can be destructive to not only yourself but others too if you let it leak out.

Many facets of personal growth in the lifestyle can boil down to conquering fears – that is why it’s so important to have a slave or s-type that encourages growth, along with the Master doing the same for the slave. As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears,

As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears, and truth be told we do, but not as firm a grip as most think. Masters can have fear too – I choose to address mine in many ways, writing here, talking with my little fae, and seeking advice and opinions from people we are close to, and respect.

I’ve made a conscious decision to meet my fears as head on as possible and deal with them if at all possible. I do still have a few that I struggle with daily (and sometimes less frequently) but I will get there eventually – it’s a marathon, not a race.

Bob Diamond: They can make a mistake. You shouldn’t let others get to you like this. Just follow what’s in here.

[points to his heart]

Daniel Miller: [Daniel nods in agreement]

Bob Diamond: Don’t worry, and don’t kick yourself forever. Just take the opportunities when they come.”      – Rip Torn as Bob Diamond, and Albert Brooks as Daniel Miller in Defending Your Life.

I will follow what I want in my heart, and deal with my fears – quite possibly the most imporant thing I can do as a Man, a Master, and someone trapped on this floating rock for a finite period of time.

Regards,

 

Syn.

Scattered Thoughts.

Most days I am beyond amazed that a woman like My little fae not only agreed to, but throws herself into her life with me. I’m not the easiest person to serve, and I know this – I can be demanding, harsh and sometimes I am overcome with my own past rearing it’s ugly head.

Skeletons are a motherfucker to deal with some days.

Other times I wish I could do more, be more, accelerate my personal growth in area’s I lack. I understand it’s a slow process, I also understand that I should take things at a mediated pace so that I don’t fall back into old patterns and archaic (to me) thoughts.

With a kinky event coming up, I am reminded of two things: One, My little fae is all I need.

Two: although I wish I (we) could find us another partner to share the fun, love, and general tomfuckery that is our lives, it happens when you least expect it…. I should feel blessed that at least someone we had been talking to, while interested, is not currently in a place she feels comfortable to commit to anything.

Our love life is amazing, and we are together – but the thought in my head to be more, do more is always there… like a persistent itch I can’t get rid of. dot has assured me she is happy – but I always feel as though I should do more to show her that I appreciate her service, love, devotion, and council.

Random thoughts, and scattered sentences… but I needed to write them out…. not bad for ten minutes at work, sadly solving and deciphering the mess that is my head will take longer.

I Love, HARD.

“He loves hard”.

My little fae said that to My cat two nights ago in regards to me – The Circumstances center around something that is passed and doesn’t bear revisiting. However for context I should point out that it was a blazing display of my protectiveness, worry and a less positive thing – some of my insecurities.

I was worried that I may have scared my cat, in the past the (for lack of a better term) ferocity of my emotions –  have been seen as a negative, I care too much, I love too much, and I Fall too hard. These were (WERE) to me negatives, and used against me at every turn, or I managed to find partners that didn’t appreciate the depth of emotion that seems completely normal to me.

My little fae is used to this, and appreciates the fact I care as deeply as I do – although some times I think she has trouble dealing with it too, but she is accepting.

My Cat is a Primal, and New to Poly (as I am), but as such, we have evolved into a pack, and one that I think the bit of primal I have in me is better suited for.

You see, if I have a bit of an animal, and it’s a bear. Loyal, Protective, and Loves deeply and Hard.

I still do see this as a negative sometimes, because most people don’t know how to deal with the depth of emotion I can put out some days – I just hope my cat understood. She hasn’t run screaming yet, and is still talking to my little fae and I in our G-talk, so that’s a good sign I suppose.

I could ramble on, or try and form a coherent ending, but honestly I don’t know where this was going…. just something that happened that I wanted to get out, as it’s been bothering/rattling around in my head.

Regards,

Syn

My Little Fae.

This is the first lifestyle related post on this subject, and one I never really thought about writing until my little fae mentioned it the other day, I have to admit it had never even crossed my mind to write (again) on why I call my slave My Little Fae. It has been a part of our lives for almost as far back as we have been a couple, and the meaning has evolved with our relationship over time.

 

As I mentioned in my origin post our journey exploded out of the gate, and in retrospect I knew it was going to be a different experience than anything I had ever had in my life. She was the anti-thesis of everything that had come before. Kind, patient, and caring, she saw something in me that at that point I didn’t even see in myself, Dominance.

I don’t remember exactly when I started calling her by that name, but I do remember why. Despite what history, folklore and some current sources would have us believe, I see the Fae-folk as something that embodies a magic and light that is hidden or rare in all of us.

When our (then vanilla) relationship began I found myself awed at the immediate strength of it, she was caring, responsive and would communicate with me… All things I had no frame of reference for in a relationship, at the risk of over romanticizing – She was showing me a whole new world I never thought existed.

As we Progressed in our relationship and the organic TPE evolved “my little fae” has taken on a whole additional meaning – As my slave she constantly finds ways to open my mind, show me new things, and by guiding her, learning more about this new world I have been introduced to.

I have taken more than a few days to write this. I started Monday, and it is now Thursday… I keep thinking that by coming back to it, I can add or explain something. Truth be told I can’t – it’s so hard to put in words exactly what my little fae means to me as her Master, friend and lover, hopefully this small explanation at least sheds some light on it. For now I will simply let our journey together speak for itself, and how I view her.

I may not be a “traditional” Master, but thanks to my little fae, I am one that is never alone, and will always have my best friend with me.

 

Regards,

 

Syn