Fear and the Disciplinarian.

Recently as you may be aware, we have taken on a third into our dynamic. bubs is still new in the kink/Power exchange world, but is currently under consideration to be my submissive.

I can’t help but feel as though this is a test from whatever force you believe is directing us on this floating rock.

A test I feel as though I am barely keeping my head above water on.

I got incredibly lucky with dot – she had been in the lifestyle for many years, and was long since trained as a submissive when she met me, and as she reminds me she has the slave heart she has always been submissive minded, it is something you are born with.

With bubs she is new, and honestly I’ve never “trained” a submissive before…. So this is all undiscovered country with me. I’ve done my best to guide her towards making better choices, and teach her as much as I can about power exchange – along with trying to teach her how to be more assertive in life, and make healthier choices.

I suppose I take for advantage (in a way) that dot and I have come very far from where we were at bubs’ age, we’ve put in the work, had less than stellar pasts and come out of the other side of our crucible, stronger and with many more life lessons to draw on.

In a way I am envious of bubs…at her age I wasn’t quite done making my mistakes yet, and the spectacular ones were just starting to pile up. I think if I had come into the community earlier I might have found the part of me that was missing sooner….but as they say – everything happens for a reason.

Now, why do I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water in this situation ?

Part of this is my own doing.

bub’s and I had a conversation some time ago, about me not being as strict on her as I should (can) be, and I vowed that in order to be authentic and truthful to her I was going to tighten up and be as much of a disciplinarian with her as I am dot.

This has not been the case.

Up until now I’ve been scared… scared of scaring bub’s off because I can be a pretty demanding hard ass. I do it out of love but it can be way too much for some people, and I can’t help but think it was that raw part of me that scared off the hellcat as well…. I voiced these opinions to both dot and bubs and I was assured that was not the case.

So now what ?

Time to actually tighten up and start expecting more, if I fail to be the Master that I am, then I am not being authentic. That won’t gives bub’s the -real- me, and thats not fair to her…. Nor is it fair to dot because I don’t let her get away with anything, I should expect no less of anyone else joining our house.

Moving forward I WILL be tougher, not overly so, but I will make it comparative to what I expect of dot, it is fair, and to do less would lessen a TPE structure I have already built, and another one I am hoping to continue to build.





What I have Learned thus far from D/s.

We always have such good conversations, my little fae and I. Today while we were sitting in the park with our pre-work coffee just talking, we came upon the subject of what we have learned from D/s, and as she pointed out, revisiting things every six or so months to re-evaluate and examine is something we should all do.

So, what have I learned or grown in As a Dominant or just a person in general ?

Better ways to Communicate is definitely top of the list. Before embarking on O/our journey, (and in fact our relationship) I was a very hard person to get to know, I talked a lot without saying much. I would bottle my emotions and opinions, at the time I simply thought it was because no one wanted to hear it, or it would be used against me in the relationships I was in. Truth be told I was scared, scared to offend, scared to have to defend my opinion and in  doing so alienate people. I was so worried about being one of those “me me me” people that I cut it all off and in the process became miserable, and not myself. Since we started along our path of D/s it has become infinitely easier for me to deal with the thought of stating what I want, how I feel, and then getting over it however the revealing of the information went. I realize and fully support the fact that I cannot control others reactions, but I CAN control how I deal with it, for my own piece of mind I need to let it out. In no small part I owe this to my little fae, she, as my little fae has taught me the value of communicating wants,desires, and being as direct as I can about it without being overbearing. I still struggle some days, but my little fae knows now and then I need a small (and loving) nudge to open my mouth and get it out, for both our sakes.

Then there is being open(minded) to new experiences. Prior to our D/s experiences and taking that step, I would often offhandedly dismiss experiences or the chance at them that came my way by being dismissive, derogatory or procrastinate until the opportunity passed me by. I would never take the time to really examine how I felt about something, and in turn communicate how I felt about it. I was raised to be overly cautious and stay where I was comfortable, if I didn’t know how to do something or anything about it then I should leave it be for someone else to do because they could handle it. As such I guarded myself not believing that new experiences or thinking them over could be beneficial.  For example bisexuality: The Pre dominant me had a simple thought on the subject “if it makes others happy, so be it, but fuck that noise for me – I’m a guy and I like pussy, that’s all there is”. Once I really examined things I understood why bisexuality was not for me, I actually watched bisexual porn. I watched a lot of it, and realized that for the most part physically I can appreciate the male physique and the work that goes into it, however Women are what turned my crank. On a side note this is mostly my I watch strictly female or lesbian porn now. In our relationship being able to be open and analytical about new experiences keeps us moving forward and growing together, so that we don’t stagnate, get bored and lose that “Fire” we have.

I have learned that by helping my little fae achieve her goals and care for her, I can be more than the sum of my parts. She has an inner strength that I rely on just as much as she counts on mine. I realize that this is not a weakness but a strength. Trust, (greater)compassion and how to have both in my life without being used for them, are all things she has taught me. She trusts me mentally, physically and emotionally completely, and because she does, and I want to I return this completely. I trust her to see me struggle with my past, my present and my future and be that quiet but firm rock that will be there when -I- need it. Because of her submission I have learned that having that one person to share every piece of me with makes me a stronger person, dominant and better at being both. I’ve learned to trust completely, love completely, and in my own way submit to our souls melding into something more.

Probably one of the most important things I have learned is that in everything there is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of ourselves, fear of  being hurt. I’ve also learned that despite this fear We as individuals need to communicate, love and understand ourselves, and with this we can overcome and grow. The Special part of it all, is that, some times we will find someone who will do the same, and help you down your own path to self discovery. They will submit because you need to dominate, they will teach when you don’t think you need to learn, they will be there to remind you who and what you are to them when you don’t know who you are to yourself. They will make you question and examine, analyze and show you how to be a better person. I’ve learned that is domination and submission at it’s core. One is Dominant, One is Submissive, but together we are  a force of nature.

In it’s simplest form D/s is that quiet voice, when you lay together that says I will follow you in to the dark.

There are more things, and perhaps I will revisit this in part two in the near future, I will for sure revisit this in at least 6 months.




BDSM Safety in the Digital Age.

We all know Safe, Sane And Consensual As well as R.A.C.K. in terms of safe play and minimizing risk with BDSM activities, for Sub and Dominant Alike. It is very very important to understand these things to keep ourselves safe and protected.

What a lot of people don’t consider is, that here on the internet and in the digital age, there is a whole other level of protection needed. More so if you are constantly texting, skyping, and interacting with people through a digital medium.

let me give you an example – You meet someone on fetlife, and just want to chat, but the messaging system on Fet SUCKS so you give them your Cell Phone number to text you. Things go South and this person happens to be a bit unbalanced or obsessive.

Let me Use Myself as an example. a search pattern on myself with JUST my fet info (I hate cell phones) led me to my Throwaway reddit account, my World of Warcraft Characters, and in turn a search of some of those names would lead you to my vanilla youtube, vanilla Google+, and then to facebook and my Gtalk account. Now for stafety’s sake I’m not going to tell you how I did it, nor am I going to reveal how much I was able to dig up on my little fae, but it was….more than Alarming.

YOU are responsible for your online and Digital safety, use some common fucking sense in what you share with people. It’s Alarming what you can find with a phone number, landline or cellular. So some tips to protect yourself.

  • Use a completely unrelated user name for kink/BDSM related things.
  • DO NOT give out your cell phone number to people you don’t know very well.
  • Keep your significant other (dom or sub) abreast of online contacts (or a trusted friend)
  • DO NOT under any circumstances post pictures you have on facebook to fetlife or vice versa. (reverse image lookups can and will find these. if you do, change the file name before re posting them.)
  • Do NOT Skype for “random encounters” your IP is visible, and people CAN track you.
  • Read and Follow this advice for first meetings, for someone you’ve met online. (especially the safe call section)
  • Use common sense when dealing with people, Perv their FL profile, if they seem sketchy, do NOT hesitate to message someone on their Friendslist about them.
  • Most importantly – Take responsibility for your own safety, if you reveal too much, to fast you are just as at fault in compromising your own safety.

I may have said a few inflammatory things, but just because we’re into BDSM, and might be a dom, submissive, sissy, or S-type personality does not absolve us of protecting ourselves from outside threats. If you aren’t sure of something, ASK a friend, or whoever you may be under protection of…Even a mentor. Hell if you need to, Ask me. leave a comment here, or shoot me a PM on Fetlife…. Help keep yourself safe.

I’ve noticed an alarming trend of people not taking this responsibility over themselves, and something needed to be said, I hope some of this information helps someone, but most of all I hope it was all redundant because you know better already. ❤

Which leads me to another rant I have, which will be coming Monday.

until then, be safe, and regards,




Today the Glass Was Full.

Often times as a community of people focused on D/s relationships I see many many blogs, fetlife posts, and meme’s that talk about large sweeping topics, from sub drop to Punishments and dealing with the mental aspect of living this lifestyle. Well, today I found something simple that made me smile, and it got me thinking about the little things we tend to ignore or take for granted.

Today my water glass was full.

Let me give you some context. A while ago during training I mentioned to my little fae, that I would like for the water glass I keep in my bathroom to be filled if she noticed it empty when she went to use my washroom. I am not unrealistically asking her to constantly go out of her way to do so, just a task that I could implement for her to as she put it, “Make my Sir’s life more comfortable”. So early this morning when she realized her multitude of kids locked up the house, and she didn’t have her key, rather than wake them up she snuck into bed with me, I woke up to her snuggling up to me and I was beyond overjoyed, half awake she said she would nap with me for a couple of hours until she had to take one of the kids to work, so I wrapped her up in my arms and quite blissfully drifted off again.

She woke at 10 and I got out of bed to see her out the door, it being a Saturday morning she had likely just finished around 8AM (an almost 11 hour shift for her), so I know well enough I won’t be hearing from her for a few hours yet (it’s currently 4PM). After I kissed her goodbye and she was gone, I passed back out until my alarm woke me up about 3 hours later. I dragged my ass out of bed, fed the cat and headed for the shower. As I took my Dom pendant off and set it on my counter I noticed my glass (which I emptied before bed) was full. My little fae had left her clothes in the bathroom when she got here, to minimize the amount of cat hair from my fuzzy child, and in doing so realized my glass was empty and filled it.

That one Simple act had me smiling the whole duration of my shower.

It got me thinking of the simple things that we often take for granted, when Dot does little things like this for me, it really does show me how much she is thinking of me. It makes me realize how even the barest scent of her on a shirt she left here can turn a bad day into a better one, or how when I call her at work, she lowers her voice so her employees don’t hear her say “I love you, sir” in the office she’d get no end of grief and yet she makes that effort.

It’s not all whips, rope, crawling, and prostration folks, sometimes all it takes to realize that they are yours completely is a  full water glass.

I love that woman more and more every day.

Regards and enjoy the remainder of your weekend.




The Three Fold Rule, and D/s.

When I write, you are seeing my daily thoughts, I don’t consider, I don’t take 2 or 3 days to think of a topic, I just write…. whatever is on my mind that day or the day after if I need time to process. I edit lightly but for the most part, what you see is what you get, I’m a pretty open guy and today I was open with my little fae about something I had resigned to never tell a soul.

The story itself is still something I’d prefer to keep the particulars of between herself and I, less for anonymity and more because it shows a part of myself that is dead, buried and was absorbed into the Syn that walks around today.  Essentially I was a Vanilla Slave to a girl (not woman)  who was a mentally abusive Master.  I had no idea that was the case, until I related the story to Dot and the words were out of my mouth. I’ll save you the particulars as I said, but for illustration, for a period of about a month just to be closer to her, I slept at the foot of her bed on the floor fully clothed, with no energy put back into the devotion to her I showed. In Vanilla land, many people would say I was completely and utterly friend zoned.

So whats the point ?

Well I’ve been watching the show “My Cat from Hell” on animal planet since last night, and Jackson (basically a cat whisperer) talks a lot about putting energy in and getting energy back. From an animalistic point of view, which is what we are, we get back what we put out – Pagans call this the three-fold rule. What ever you put out into the world will come back to you three-fold.

I have evolved into a more Dominant personality, however it was always there, just repressed. I desire to nurture, teach and guide people to be better than they are, and be the best they can be. Everyone deserves this, and should have someone who believes just as much as they do that they do deserve it, and are worthy of a partner that see’s and can bring it out in them. My little fae knows this too, and from the submissive end she is prepared to put forth just as much energy into me as I am to her. Some call this Power Exchange – she willingly submits to me, but, it is because I am the other half of her circle, I need someone to submit as much as she requires someone to submit to.

The word Energy is subjective, it means so many things to so many people. In BDSM and D/s dynamics it can be anything, from a gentle touch and caress, to each swing of the flogger, To every thump of the brush on a bare backside. I am expending Physical, mental and emotional energy and pouring my heart and soul into these lessons, and in turn my little fae uses them to grow and that is my reward her emotional and mental investment meeting my investment and growing as a force together.

If there is one thing I have learned as a Dom in the past five years of actual practice, it’s that you NEED a partner that will take what you give and give it back, Growth and self-improvement are like anything – you need so many sources of energy “in” to make progress that not having a partner on board or willing to invest the same amount of energy into you and your dynamic, will surely create problems. Dom, Sub it doesn’t matter, without some sort of energy exchange you will stagnate – which leads to withering and backward progress. All relationships vanilla, D/s, M/s, DD/lg need both partners to put in effort… if you or your partner cannot invest that energy, no matter how it manifests itself perhaps you need to step back, or step out all together and find someone who will.

Some of you might be thinking I’m crazy, others are nodding their heads in agreement, but I can tell you from personal experience as a 20-year-old doe-struck kid, eventually something WILL break, all that energy, positive or negative has to go somewhere. Find someone who will temper it, nurture it and appreciate it. Make your energy expenditures Positive and those you care about will grow with and nurture you as well.

Love thyself, everything I have said is part of it.

With love for A/all, and regards,