Sadly my computer has met with an untimely death, so for a while I have to go back to vlogging…
It’s probably going to be difficult at best to explain my extended absence from these pages – however I think I will simply write, and perhaps by the end, my reasons will become clear… I have missed writing, but had no clue how to say what I wanted or at certain points even what to say.
The past few months have been filled with both highs and lows, but I think since the High moments speak for themselves I will start with those.
The largest event of the past while is most definitely the news of my little fae and I getting our first house together. We took posesion at the start of last month and are as of now almost 100% moved in. combining two houses worth of stuff is time consuming and a cluster-fuck to say the least, but I am beyond happy to have her with me ALL of the time now. She keeps asking if I’m happy and I don’t know if I can properly convey just how fucking over the moon I am to have her with me all the time. That said – I should also point out that on top of combining houses, we’ve also introduced all of our cats, totaling 5 4 legged asshole feline overlords in the house now…. more on that as it develops (lol).
We also recently said goodbye to “The Ball” an event we attended in a neighboring city bi-monthly, it was a pansexual fetish event held in a bar and Canada’s longest running one at that. The Hotel/Bar where it was hosted was sold, and the organizers decided to hang it up rather than look for a new venue as they believe they accomplished what they set out to do when it was first started 20 years ago (and I can’t say I disagree with their logic). The reason I consider this a high point, is simply because the event itself was amazing – time with some friends we rarely see, and just a general sense of togetherness throughout everyone in attendance – even a contingent of local Leathermen showed up – which was amazing to see, since i indentify very closely with leather Ideals. I’ll be sad to See the Ball go, but at the same time we still have MaST, and the possibility of a new event Stepping up to take its place.
So, on to “the” low.
Those of you that have read my last few entries may have noticed I have avoided mentioning my Hellcat.
That is because we haven’t been dating her for going on a month and a bit now.
I’ve made peace with it, I really have. I needed the time to process before i could write about it and truly make sure that was the case though.
So what happened ?
I’ll spare the direct details, but give you some of the highlights/Problems as I see it now (hindsight is always 20/20 – or so they tell me).
I’ll start with me.
I made a few assumptions (which based on the info I had at the time seemed reasonable) which ended up being problematic. Because of this I’ve learned that even if someone says “organically grown” TPE is what they desire – I need to make it a point to establish and negotiate expectations for the relationship, what they want, what I want, how we’re going to get there, and limits off the get go. I did not do this, and it bit me in the ass.
I also learned that I can handle rejection fairly well….
In the end, the Hellcat and I had a lengthy discussion regarding the end of the relationship and what went wrong, however I was given one piece of information that floored me – Apparently according to her, our part of the dynamic had “problems” from day 1. I was COMPLETELY unaware of this, as there was very little communication of any issues on her end towards me.
So after she was “done” with me – she wished to talk to My little fae (no doubt to try and explain her lack of contact to either of us for almost 2 weeks, basically since we moved her from her shared apartment to her solo one).
I know most of the details of this – but only one snippet is pertinent here: My little fae had to break up with -her- there was no intention of doing so on the hellcats part.
I’ll admit I was hurt pretty badly by it all, if you were paying attention to previous writings, my biggest poly triad fear was that the female partner we found would prefer my little fae – and that was indeed the case. Looking back on it, I just wish I had known sooner before I invested both my time and money into the hellcat to help start her on (what I considered) the proper path. I felt (and feel) well and goodly used.
I am proud of myself though – I handled it very well compared to previous break-ups so we’ll call that personal growth – the hellcat and I are still civil, and will occasional crack a joke at one another when we see each other at events. My little fae is still on her radar I think – but I know that there is nothing there on my little fae’s part. so we will see.
All in all it’s been a bastard of a few months – BUT I can tell you that My little fae and I intend to move forward in the poly arena together – I think I’ve proven that with a bit of work and some more careful consideration I CAN make poly work. The time I did have with both of them was amazing, and it made me happy, as well as my little fae – we just hope going forward we can find something more permanent.
Good to see you all, I WILL post more, I promise.
“He loves hard”.
My little fae said that to My cat two nights ago in regards to me – The Circumstances center around something that is passed and doesn’t bear revisiting. However for context I should point out that it was a blazing display of my protectiveness, worry and a less positive thing – some of my insecurities.
I was worried that I may have scared my cat, in the past the (for lack of a better term) ferocity of my emotions – have been seen as a negative, I care too much, I love too much, and I Fall too hard. These were (WERE) to me negatives, and used against me at every turn, or I managed to find partners that didn’t appreciate the depth of emotion that seems completely normal to me.
My little fae is used to this, and appreciates the fact I care as deeply as I do – although some times I think she has trouble dealing with it too, but she is accepting.
My Cat is a Primal, and New to Poly (as I am), but as such, we have evolved into a pack, and one that I think the bit of primal I have in me is better suited for.
You see, if I have a bit of an animal, and it’s a bear. Loyal, Protective, and Loves deeply and Hard.
I still do see this as a negative sometimes, because most people don’t know how to deal with the depth of emotion I can put out some days – I just hope my cat understood. She hasn’t run screaming yet, and is still talking to my little fae and I in our G-talk, so that’s a good sign I suppose.
I could ramble on, or try and form a coherent ending, but honestly I don’t know where this was going…. just something that happened that I wanted to get out, as it’s been bothering/rattling around in my head.
I recently started a writing to try and recap everything that has gone on since the birth of our triad with my little fae and My Hellcat(I know she felt like a wolf in my head when we started this, but things have changed, and so has her Moniker). I now realize that that attempt would be futile, and not do justice to it in the least.
So instead, how about a look at right now ?
I just got back from a short walk in a light, post-downpour rain. I needed a Cigar, the vape wasn’t strong enough, and the Biting taste and feel of it in my lips is helping a bit.
My fae and my cat are having some time (and probably a coffee) together before my cat returns to the city. We all had some very heady, intelligent and frank conversation about likes, dislikes, Limits and our future together, both as pack, and as a TPE triad. I have (and I hope my two other thirds have) a much clearer picture for the future, and where we are going to go, and start our journey from.
So – The insight I promised.
I went for the walk for two reasons, I really wanted that cigar, AND the house is suddenly Deafeningly quiet. For two days I’ve had both of them under my roof, and with me. The conversations, Play, laughs and overwhelming rightness has been enough to have me on a high for the last 48 hours.
A few things I’ve realized since dipping into the poly arena – I truly hope all together is our default, it feels right having us together laughing, sharing jokes, and even cuddling.
I value the one on one time with Both of them. My Cat and My fae are very very similar, but very very different just the same, and both are brilliant. Time with either is time more than well spent, From my Cat’s neverending (and more than welcome) questions, to my little fae’s ability to know -just- what I need at just the right time, they both do their best to take care of me in their own way, and I am honored to do the same.
It’s been a few hours since they left, and the cigar is now long done. My cat was told to message me when she starts her trip out of the city so I know when she leaves, and message me when she arrives home – The storm is passed here, but she will be driving into it and I worry.
My little fae will likely message when her Miss drops her off, and I am anxious to here from her, her drop was starting to set in, and I am worried about her, as always. My cat took her for coffee not only to have some time with her, but also (I think) in her own way provide some more after care for her after a scene from last night that was our first time ALL playing together.
The care shown to our little one from her makes me very happy to know we have found someone that values her as I do.
I know my cat is still unsure of a few things, however I hope that in time, the last of these reservations fall away, and she, I and our little one can become as close as my little fae and I have been for these last 6 years.
I could write more – but even the writing isn’t helping at the moment – the drop is making it hard to focus. I will wait to hear from my other thirds, and then perhaps things will start to get better.
Maybe this is drop, maybe I just miss the hell out of them both, maybe it’s the same thing ?
I don’t really know where to start with the last week, it has been a whirlwind of ups, downs and moving so fast I don’t know where the hell I’m going.
the week started off with a visit to the neighboring city for the pride ball. When we arrived, we promptly ran into the woman we had met at the previous ball, you remember? The stunningly beautiful one that caused me to forget that I could talk.
My little Fae and I spent a good half an hour talking with her as we didn’t know anyone else really. At this point we decided to go upstairs to cool off as it was very hot. I figured our time was at an end.
She asked if she could join us and didn’t leave our side(s) for the remainder of the night. After the ball was done, we were to get dinner with her and the organizers of the ball. At 3 a.m.we had figured that the organizers were stuck cleaning up, or had headed to the location already. so we headed that way.They weren’t there so the three of us in fetish gear, (one of us in a trench coat for Modesty) had breakfast and talked till 530 in the morning.
Myself and dot reluctantly left, even though we were all falling asleep at the table.I don’t rightly know what happened after this that started it all, but the next week has been filled with trips to Winnipeg to see her, and her coming out to visit and spend a night here…Though these trips we have Sacrificed sleep, and talked for hours on end, like old friends catching up, it seems natural and comfortable – even the silences.
During this week as well, My little fae, and she went on a 12+ hour road trip down to the states, so that she could file her taxes, and she wanted company. Apparently there was conversation…. and A LOT of it.
So after a few days of rest, We headed back to the City – for the birthday of one of our Family. We managed to take Her with us….(you know what I’m tired of she and Her, for the duration, I will call her K). We stayed and chatted with the family, and Friends, Nods from Randilin, and Tamile regarding K, and then headed off to a diner to get some dinner and talk more.
Let me pause for a moment….
Up untill now I have been simply stating what happened, but to continue the story requires some insight into my head, and that of my little fae.
During the First point of this week, I went through a gambit of emotions when I realized what was happening – as I told my little fae, there was a Tingle in the back of my head, kind of like when I met her. Something felt right. We BOTH missed K when she was gone, hated when she left, and were already planning how to see her again. As such, I had a thought the one day we were walking through the mall texting with her…. I wanted to give her something, I mentioned this to my little fae, and she wholeheartedly agreed….for me the idea came easily – and off we went to a store that does custom engraving.
My little fae and I picked out a 1941 brushed steel replica Zippo, and asked for her named engraved on the lid, along with a wolf on the body of the lighter. Working where I do it has benefits…. behind the counter of said store was one of the wives of my regulars….. she put a rush on the order, and it was ready within the time it took for us to finish shopping, get some food, and finish our running around it could have been a two day wait otherwise. That wouldn’t have worked as the next day was the birthday, and meeting with K.
By this point I was completely smitten with her, as was my little fae (who coincidentally will be posting her thoughts later this week as work allows). Up to this point, I had been hoping against hope that K felt the same way – my scumbag brain however, had other ideas – She’s too smart, too pretty, too good to fall for the same twist of Karma that brought my little fae to me.
After some conversation with Dot, who assured me she was interested, I felt a touch better…. but yo have to remember I have no idea how to flirt, talk to women I find attractive, let alone one who is not only stunningly gorgeous, but has a personality, sense of humor and the same interests…. to me a perfect trifecta.
Regardless, back to the diner.
We settled in to order, after I had asked my little fae to hide the box in her purse, and the conversation started up easily enough again. After the waitress took our order and headed off, I started with “We have a little something for you. I know you’re here (in the city) alone a bit, and because of that we got you something so that you never have to be alone, because we’re with you.” At this point, my little fae laid the box in front of her, and I swear K almost -wiggled- with happiness at seeing the word “zippo” across the box. She opened it and immediately hugged us both. I was a very very content Sir.
Aftter dinner K wanted to head outside for a smoke, and test out her new lighter, it was starting to get late, BUT we spent a few more hours out in the parking lot. now, about an hour before we left, My little fae had to “go to the bathroom”…
I use the quotes, because before doing so, she shot me a look, and with a impish grin, asked for a sucker. That started as a running joke between us and evolved – if she did something I approved of, she got a “good girl” and a mint…which eventually became less of a joke, and more of a treat. I leaned forward as she left and smacked her ass so hard, 3 people in the parking lot started looking around for gunfire I think.
With Dot gone, I decided to be a touch brazen. I basically started with “I don’t know if you’ve notcied, but I have no ability to flirt, at all….so I’m just going to say it” – at this point I basically told her how we feel about her, and made the Jump to asking her to enter into a triad with us.
I think I may have fallen over if I wasn’t trying to be stoic, when she said yes….
At about that point with my Pulse thundering in my ears, Dot returned.
I filled her on on things, and I think her smile eclipsed mine, we talked some more, Flirted a bit…. and had to part all too soon, as I put a limit on the time, so K could get home to sleep for work the next morning in decent time.
Oh, and I suppose I should add – as we Left, I basically said fuck it, and did what I did with Dot those years ago… I kissed her…. Just a short one, and it was a monumental effort to stop myself…. but to me, it seemed an eternity.
The Ride home, with my little fae was spent for the first bit, with her AND I grinning like idiots, and me Buzzing, unable to form coherent sentences, the thoughts came, but the Grins stayed.
All in all I would call that a success.
So here we are a few days later – Plan in place to meet again this weekend, where we will likely talk again for hours – and a current communication plan is in effect…. a google hangout for us to keep in touch, which we are doing as I type – laughing and joking.
We WILL make this work.
I think this experience has already brought my little fae and I closer together, and I can’t help but feel some pride to see The TPE of the triad peeking it’s head out from the dark reaches…. We are both excited, and looking forward to starting this chapter of our lives with K, like I said – the tickle in the back of my head, is telling me this is more than right for (all of) Us.
Now that this Monolith of a Post is coming to the end…. I wish to share something with K:
Welcome to our family and house – you will always be welcomed, safe, protected and cherished here. As I told you, I hope to show you the pillars of how my little fae and I built our relationship, and extend those to you – Open communication, trust, respect, honesty and love.
Thank you for Choosing us, and letting us choose you, the laughs alone thus far have made it some of the happiest times for us both.
Never Fear you talk too much, or Ask too many questions – I will always answer as truthfully as I can, and hold you as closely to my heart as I do my little fae… With that, I can think of only one thing to add – I am very happy to have you with my little fae and I. We started this journey looking for a unicorn, and instead I have found:
My little Wolf.
Here’s to the Future for all of us.