Tools, Not Toys.

Not so recently, my opinion on Tools for BDSM activities has changed, I’ve gone quite minimal for a couple of reasons, which I’ll get into in a minute.

Right now, if you were to watch us pack for an event you might be surprised, my gear is simple: Black Jeans or Road Leather pants, Vest, random t-shirt, and my cane bag. That’s it.

Inside the Cane bag there’s a fairly impressive and growing collection, all from one vendor: Badass Canes. I have two other tools in there, Motherfucker and Oh SHIT!

Now the reason my Tool bag is so spartan is actually because of a thought I had a long while ago. I basically look at S&M as a hobby, and I’ve never been one to Cheap out on hobbies.

Full disclosure – I think the BDSM on a budget classes have their place, they’re a great place to get your feet wet and try out things for a minimal investment. However, my over-riding thought is that if you’ve decided to get serious about ANY hobby, you should eventually dedicate some serious money into quality tools.

Tobacco, scotch, vaping, drone racing, paintball/air soft, even photography. All popular hobbies/collections with functional application, but eventually you have to sink some cash into quality tools to improve the experience. I have a few friends who even knit or work with fibers, I’m sure they can tell you the investment in proper equipment is not only worth it, but improves the experience and end product by light years.

Using this logic I am of the opinion that, in order to create something extraordinary for myself and my bottom, I owe it to them to have high quality equipment. Picture a dark and dingy Kink.com video (we’ve all seen them), the bottom is squirming, yelping and sweat and blood is flowing off them, the dingy floor collecting all the various fluids, the screams echoing off the stone walls and floor – the tall dark and mysterious top is kicking them, punching, and taunting – then as a climactic finale they pull out the neon green and orange dog chew toy and proceed to swing it with wild abandon.

Would that ruin the carefully constructed fantasy from professionals? Probably.

We talk so often about fulfilling wishes and desires and carefully constructing scenes, but I find on a whole we rarely realize that the tools you use, from functionality to aesthetic is rarely considered – it’s all part of the scene you create, and personally I’d much rather have one REALLY well made tool, than a bag full I don’t give a shit about because they’re cheap.

Again: Quality tools are an investment, and yes based on the scene you’re creating or your level of involvement budget toys do have their place. All I hope you think about is how does this hobby stack up to other ones you have? Does it deserve a bit of an investment?

Just my 2 cents and a random thought.

 

Syn

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Trust, Submission, and Leaps of Faith.

Trust is an odd thing, it takes a long time to build, but can be achieved in small measures with a leap of faith.  Some believe Trust is earned, and others still that trust should be given freely until it is time to distrust that person.

In the context of Power exchange and Dominance and submission, (as well as for my purposes speaking from the left side of the slash) I am going to  talk about a leap of faith.

**Please intersperse the respective power exchange identifiers with whatever you wish dynamic/gender (or non-gender) wise – for the sake of this writing  I will be using Master/slave in a male Master/female slave combination.

In a TPE there are two choices – Either the slave trusts her Master to work for her best interests or she does not.   This is not to say she can’t question if the need for clarification is strong, I encourage questions, because everything I do concerning those in my care has a very good reason.  If the word of the Master has been agreed upon as final, then arguing further after a definitive statement is Insolent and cause for either discipline, or if grievous enough termination of the relationship.

Now, at the beginning of any TPE, a Master should assume a learning curve and be somewhat lenient. A little more so if the slave is new or inexperienced.

That said:

The onus here is on the slave to trust her Master implicitly in that what he does or orders is with her best interests at heart.  If the slave wishes to earn some autonomy to make her own choices then showing good judgment in caring for her Masters property (herself and his other belongings) is the best way to do it. Many Masters wish to micromanage to a level of minutia, however many still do not wish to be burdened with choosing two outfits, two meals, or a haircut for he and his slave. I for one, don’t know a goddamn thing about female fashion – So I let my slave dress herself for the most part unless there is a particular outfit I want to see her in. However  she EARNED that right through smart and adult choices and measured reactions to situations.

Now the other side of the coin – If mentally the trust is there, then it should extend to all things, including the physicality of S&M play.

Some would argue this is mental as well, and I would agree wholeheartedly – however the slave must trust the Master to know when enough is enough – generally endorphin rush and subspace (slave space) can lead to the slave disregarding her physical limitations and end up taking more pain than is safe to handle. I have been told by many a masochist that the urge to take and take and take can outweigh the need for self preservation. The slave must trust that when the Master says no more, it is because he doesn’t want her to be unable to move, or sit, or function the rest of the week – a bedridden slave due to a severe beating will be unable to perform her duties, or carry out tasks, both special and mundane.

Finally trust leads to consequence.

Consequences for failing to trust ones Master can take many forms – one of which is punishment from her Master as I mentioned earlier.

Then there are the unintended consequences  – An example: The slave knows that she can ask for play from another Master (who may be adept at something her Master is not) and as a reward receive permission to do so.  So the slave wanders off to have her pussy tortured. Now bear in mind this is all with her Masters say so…. because he felt to reward her. You would also have to understand that should the Master require the use of his slave for sexual gratification, now her pussy is either unusable or painful enough that penetration causes issues, and As such she is unusable by her Master for that purpose for the next few days.  (this scenario becomes more evident if it is a slave or submissive who has to safeword due to pain).

Trust in your Sir to know your physical limitations sometimes better than you do, his JOB is to ensure you are healthy (mentally emotionally AND physically), happy and sound.  With that said the end game goal is to know how to achieve these things on your own, even if you are uncollard, or unowned – it just helps to have someone there to watch over you and ensure that if you fall of the path to these things you get right back on.

In the end Trust in a Power Exchange is something that At first requires a leap of faith to surrender control, however by constantly  trusting your Master more and more great things can be achieved, and massive growth for both partners is possible, along with the relationship.

 

Just a few things I’ve been rattling in my head, I could clarify more, however for now I just want the thoughts Out there.

 

Regards,

 

 

Syn

Escalation.

I keep wondering how best to get out the thoughts Running through my head, So I suppose I’ll just vomit them out, and hopefully it’ll end up making sense.

Sadism is a very personal thing…. it can be cathartic, Violent, Bloody and a hell of a lot of fun.

The Problem is – Lately I’ve been wanting to Explore it further, Do more – push limits. It’s very hard to hold back, knowing that my slave (also my masochist) Needs to be conditioned to take more – ease your partner into it, just like a warm up and cooldown to a play session. Remember: if you break your toys you can’t play with them anymore.

For catharsis on top of the sadistic streak I have, I used to go to the gym 5 days a week – something about lifting heavy shit and putting it back down again, and the associated endorphin rush. I miss it very very much – however proximity to a 24 hour gym, and the fact that Few gym’s here in town allow serious heavy power lifting, has made that an impossibility at present.

Anyway, back to the kink side of it.

I know as an M/s Couple that S&M in no way defines our relationship – instead it adds to it, and allows us to connect on another level over and above the Power Exchange front. TPE is how we live – S&M is how we play.

That said – I want to feel my belt connect with flesh I want to watch welts, bruises and blood well up as my arm gets tired. I want to watch blood flow knowing I caused it, I want to taste it, savor it. This is a thing now, but I want MORE.

I want the muffled screams around the gag, I want to feel the vibrations through my fist, flogger or whatever tool I am using, Some days I feel as thought I could continue until my hand goes numb.

I laugh at these things as they are happening, I want to taunt through the pain. I want to watch an orgasm dull the pain and allow me to take you higher. I want to get off on the sole thought that I am responsible for that pain and pleasure – I want a Slick robe of crimson to coat you, and when you can’t take anymore I want to fuck you until we’re both coated in blood and other fluids.

In the End I want to explore it all…. the Sadism, among other things, however as with anything the time must be right.

Romantic Notions – Setting yourself up for failure ?

I notice lately a lot of people  have started to romanticize the lifestyle to a point that really paints an unrealistic picture of  Dominant and submissive alike.

I understand that there are different types of D-types out there, and different styles to go along with it, the Romantic, the disciplinarian, the father figure, the list goes on. Those are not things i have problems with. It’s the legion of “dom’s” and “sub’s” that think every “real” Dominant is a poetry writing, soft handed, self contained Don Juan meets Dothraki Khal, waiting to be unleashed as a scourge on lace panties everywhere.

I’m not a romantic by any means, my post from earlier this week is about the limit for me.  As a Master I set rules, protocol and I expect them to be followed. My little fae is both my slave and my Masochist, Romance for us is the quiet moments we get after the play is done, and we can just be together, touch each other, share a laugh and maybe get some food.

I am a Master who isn’t a student of the fine arts, a sculptor, or a musician. I’m a Master who Plays online games, watches bad B-horror Movies, and bounced in a Biker bar for the better part of a decade.  I don’t profess to know a deeper meaning to TPE or BDSM, I know what I like and I’m fortunate enough to have a slave that likes the same things.  The closest I can fit these “ideals” is telling you a few more things about myself – I love the martial arts, Doctor WHO, I owned a bonsai which lived for 12 years before I moved, I gave up smoking recently however I vape instead, I can pair just about any food with wine thanks to being a trained sommelier, I used to lead a top 50 world raid guild on world of warcraft.

Shatter your preconceived notion of what a D-type MUST  be yet ? I hope so.

I see many new (and some not so new) “participants” in the lifestyle discounting my opinion, or straight out being rude to me when I comment on things, simply because I’m rougher around the edges than most. I like to think that in a high protocol (TPE) situation I could carry myself as well as any of these Poet Laureate dominants that some of these people seem to assume are the be all end all of D-types.

D-types come in all shapes, sizes, backgrounds and personality types, don’t automatically assume that if someone doesn’t fit your over romanticized version of dominance that their opinion or viewpoint is lesser if someone that meets your “ideal” disagrees. Don’t let your loins think for you, use some common sense, and stop thinking your Dominant (or dominant personality) is going to be something that steps out of a historical romance novel. Do research over and above the singular source, get the viewpoint of multiple Dominants, other lifestyle sources and some common fucking sense.

I should point out with a small apology and for others scorn, that I don’t believe that everyone believes this way, but holy christ there’s a lot of 50 shades of grey type motherfuckers that do….

The Reality is this – Yes TPE can be Pretty, life affirming and create a bond that is indescribable , TPE can also be All of these things as well as Raw, brutally honest and capable of showing you every inch of a person’s soul, good or bad.

You have to realize what is and isn’t real to expect of your dominant for any of that to happen though, or you’re going to be sorely disappointed and might never find what you’re looking for.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

Of Kinky Camping, Lessons Learned, and Shedding Old Habits.

My little fae and I have just returned from a 4 day kinky camping event, so I apologize for being absent, the mental preparation before, and event drop after have been difficult….However I am feeling better and wish to get some thoughts down before they escape me. 

The crux of this post is not about the event itself, but more one incredibly important lesson I learned about myself and my place in the lifestyle. So Briefly I will explain the event and Share a post from a fetlife thread. 

FFG (as we will call it) is a kinky camping event that spans 4 days, multiple presentations and demo’s, along with an open dungeon, open air suspension frame and is at most attended by 60-ish people for intimacy’s sake. Each Demo and Workshop I attended taught me more than I could ever hope for – From “Facefucking and Cock Sucking” to “The care and Feeding of the Top” to the Water boarding demo (which I missed, but caught in a scene in the dungeon later)….. As a quick Summation I will Cross post a response I made in the event group on FetLife Regarding Firsts at FFG…. I will be changing the names mentioned within only to protect the event and allow blanket anonimity: 

“I had Quite a few Firsts at FFG… on a whole it was my first Major (more than 15ish people) event and each and every one of you made the event special for me. I don’t think if I tried I could find a bunch of folks that are more welcoming, knowledgeable or just straight up friendly.

It was the first Blood play scene My little fae and I had ever done together – thank you Cap for the thoughtful gift of hawthorns and inspiration. 😉 Which leads me to my next first…

It was the first time I was comfortable showing off the results of a play session, by allowing Seldomseenway to show off her marks… Like D I am very private about my kinks, so this was a huge step for me.

It was also the first time I had ever Been to a dungeon, to see how others Play…. Traditionally It has just been my little fae and I until we stepped out into the community not long ago, it was enlightening, thrilling and informational to watch each and every scene I was able to, and learn directly from the source so to speak. The time I was able to spend talking to TOM, and SC about their craft after their scenes was invaluable and means a lot to me. Being able even in a Small way to help Cap and A in one of their scenes was also a first and meant more than I can express to me – you let me into the “bubble” of your scene and that act of trust is a first for me, and means more than I can put in words.

I have said it before but I will say it again, FFG was a life changing experience for me, and something I will never forget… We just need it to be next year already. ;)”

That Aside ( I will write another post on a few other lessons from the above quote after a vanilla friend that is Visiting leaves later this week.) I had one major epiphany  resulting from the weekend that I didn’t realize until my little fae were sitting down discussing things last night, and today.

I’ve always been the sort to have to defend myself, Vanilla life conditioned me to believe that in order for people to see my value I had to prove myself to them. I was always trying to be the toughest, smartest, and quickest (thinker) on my feet. Vulnerability was to be mocked, Never ever admit you had fear, because people (including my Now ex-GF’s) would use it against you. 

Because of these prior experiences I always feel the need to Justify myself to people, Seek acceptance for the way that I am and the things that I do or have experience with….the experience I have would never speak for itself so I learned to speak for it. 

FFG and the people I mentioned in the quoted section above, along with my little fae taught me a major and life altering lesson – in the kink world if you try too hard to justify yourself you will seem disingenuous and Foolish…. the Most Freeing lesson of FFG was rather than to cover up what I don’t know, I can out and out admit the vulnerability and provided you have the right people around you, they will step up and help without considering it a weakness and pouncing on it.

Thanks to the Blood-play scene and TOM’s water boarding demo I realized the true possibility for the depth of my sadism, the love of the mind fuck, and the pleasure being a “voyeur” at the dungeon scenes held for me. I was Trying too hard though, TOM, SC, Cap and A taught me the lesson of letting go of the need to justify myself, but I didn’t realize they had until a few days later when my little fae really made me think about it.

 Because of FFG, and these fucked up, deviant, sadistic, caring, wonderful people I am free to be vulnerable and rebuild myself, teach myself, and not have to worry about justifying my knowledge actively – my thoughts, feelings, advice and actions will speak more to that than my mouth ever will. 

I have preparations to make for O/our visitor while my little fae is at work, so I have to cut this short…. Thank you for listening to my Epiphany, and joining me in moving forward….. even if it is only to read this confession, Thank you. 

Humbly and with Regards,

Syn

Public Play – Do I trust you enough ?

In about two weeks time there is an event coming up that I am greatly looking forward to, it’s a weekend long “kinky camping” and workshop event, 3+ days of education, lifestyle related fun and scenes involving all manner of kinksters.

 This particular event brings to light a few new things for me to experience, I have never been to an event where public play is encouraged, and if not encouraged, at the very least a normal part.

We have two very close friends who have recently expressed an interest in how we play, and I should quantify that we trust them enough to play in front of them, and I know that they want us to enjoy this event as much as they did their first go ’round last year. Part of their experience was something they refer to as one of their best scenes ever, and I truly do thank them for in their way trying to ensure we have as positive an experience as they did. 

That said, there are a few reasons both my little fae and I (may) have a hard time with public scene’s and the rest of this writing will be my half of why I may have issues playing in public, which is largely because of the way we play. 

I/we do not plan play, it is as organic as our TPE, one night we might not play at all, and the next just vanilla sex, with a night on the weekend of one of the most intense sessions we’ve had in a while. 

Most of our play sessions begin with an act of submission from Dot, for example the question “Are you ready to serve, my little fae?” is my unspoken order for her to take off her clothes, prepare the bed to my specifications, and put on her training collar, Cuffs and return to me Kneeling in the position and manner we have practiced. I then have the ability to direct her to where ever I want our “scene” to take place. 

On top of S&M being a large part of our Play, we also incorporate humiliation – I have no problem taunting and mocking Dot while she is stuck in a conundrum I have presented – laughing at her when she must decide to squirt, or hold her orgasm when there is Tiger Balm on her Clit and nipples, with the hitachi buzzing away, calling her my slut, my whore and laughing all the while. We incorporate a LOT of mental emotional and physical S&M.

This was a very very simple example, but I think it illustrates a very important aspect of us both, I love my little fae, and she loves me, But I can be a mean motherfucker and she likes that about me. I may break her, and enjoy it, but the true joy is putting her back together again when we’re done.

 As a Strong pair of personalities, We both have issue with displaying vulnerability to people, and we’d have to trust the people watching a  full out scene of ours immensely. The two I mentioned earlier, we do trust, along with a few others we have met. However, there are others in the community that, while we trust them, not to the extent required. 

What about not putting it all out there though, and just showcasing an activity ? for educational purposes we could….but it is just that, in order for pleasure in our back and forth, we need aspects of EVERYTHING we do. Detachment mentally for her and I is not a possibility, we are so in tune with each other it’s scary some days.

Hopefully this has given some insight on the way we play, and why a small play party with trusted people will be a better arena for my first ever public scene, rather than a large event. We’re not ruling it out if it happens organically, but neither are we definitively planning to play in public.

So, Public scene’s: Awesome, or not ? Do you/have you and your partner ever done so, and what did you think ?

 

Regards,

 

Syn 

I Might Be An Asshole, But it’s fair Game.

Some days I just don’t understand. When I come across a new situation, or a new way of doing things in our lifestyle I’m not immediately on the defensive, I want to understand the why of things and the how. Recently in a Facebook discussion group pertaining to the lifestyle I came across one situation.

The Initial question was This:

“Having a somewhat fun, quirky brat in me that Sir will indulge “to a point” as he knows there is never any disrespect intended, I have a question for Doms and experienced subs. I dislike nipple clamps, Sir is very aware. What would your reaction be (the Dom/mes in the group) or what would be the reaction of your Sir (subs in the group) if you showed up to a session wearing band aids (cute ones like Hello Kitty or such) on your nipples in say an X to cover them?
No, they are not a hard limit, I just dislike them.”

My Response:
“Being a Dom and a sadist, I can pretty much guarantee, that if Nipple clamps are not a hard limit, and you deliberately covered them from me, you’d be Punished. When not in my presence, the ONLY Bra you would be allowed would be those hello kitty bandages for a week for the first infraction, In my Presence, you would be required to wear Clamps with a weight, at ALL TIMES. Then again, I do not deal well with a Brat dynamic as my little fae can attest to. your results may vary.”

Now all was well and good for a while, she asked, and Most responded….I am one of a few active Dominants in this Group (I tagged Dot in my response, as she is part of the group as well) and as such I figured that was the end of it. at that point A female dominant Responded with this:

“I wonder why someone has a partner who insists on taking an interest where their partner has no interest. I know there’s a need for compromise, but I have no joy in doing things when my partner isn’t into it. There’s no need to force them or punish them for avoiding discomfort. I’m reading these responses and wonder why subs would ever accept being treated as if a hard limit is the only way an activity will be avoided. Do men lack creativity when it comes to a woman’s body that he has to aim for the nipples? I’m lost.”

There are a few other exchanges from myself, covering WHY I chose this punishment, the Brat in question Chose to cover her nipples so I made it a point to Put the focus onto them as a Lesson in humility and smarting off. the Reply that pissed me off from the same Domme was This one:

Whatever floats your ship. I’m glad you found what works for you and your partner. I’d still never use my position as a dominant to touch my partner where they don’t want it. Plain and simple. My slave is perfectly fine with my style.”

I immediately gave this comment a WIDE berth, because in context I took it to mean that she believes I was violating consent/negotiated limits. Inadvertently it called in to question  whether I was breaching trust with my little fae or not.

I am a Sadist, I make no excuses for this, never have, never will. I was however, dismayed that rather than explain to me how they do things, that particular statement was all I got even when later I asked how less S&M oriented D/s Couples deal with punishment, lessons and training. from certain responses, apparently causing Corporeal pain for the purpose of actual punishment, teaching, and training is abhorrent to most submissives (and a few dominants) in this group. The owner of the group (a very prominent facebook dominant/page admin) Responded with this:

It’s a fine balance for me. I would not normally deliberately do something that my sub ‘disliked’. However I am always conscious of the fact that it is a Dominant’s responsibility to develop their sub, which may mean (carefully) pushing boundaries. Whether a resistance to be pushed would be punished or not really does depend on the boundary, circumstance and respect shown when the sub resists. There is no generic answer as differences in these things will result in differing reactions. It’s not unknown for me to punish, although i try and make that a last resort. And in terms of punishments themselves, I try to make them ‘appropriate to the crime’, the ultimate being the withholding of my attention (which in our relationship is a lot more powerful than it sounds)

The reason withholding of attention is the apparently penultimate, for him is because his submissive lives 5000 miles away. That response was diplomatic, reasoned and honestly sharing without sharing.

Are Sadistic Dom’s really that Rare ?

Are we really looked down upon that much ?

Has the 50 Shades of Grey crowd really decided that D/s that includes REAL S&M is a blight on our community, even when used to teach, nurture and guide our submissive to better outcomes ? Quite a few submissives on this post said that their Dom NEVER does anything they don’t like…. I don’t understand this, like or dislike if you’ve negotiated hard and soft limits and it doesn’t Jive with a like and dislike list – it’s fair game for me as a tool to help us towards our goals, right ?

Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but I am honestly slightly confused by this interaction with people who are both on fetlife, and active in thier communities…. Being the only Male Dominant active in my community I learn from everywhere  I can… This basically showed me that while I still wouldn’t change the way I do things, A good poriton of a 500 person community basically thinks I’m an asshole towards my sub, because I will not “Spare the Rod to spoil the Submissive.”

 

Odd bunch of people, or I’m the odd one….Either works.

 

Regards,

 

Syn.