Defending Your Life.

As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have a very eclectic taste in movies, my top 5 are all over the map. I do want to talk about one in particular. However, the list has an overriding theme that I think will become clear if you are familiar with them.

  1. Fight Club
  2. Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
  3. Tombstone
  4. What Dreams May Come
  5. Defending Your Life

Now if you know all the movies on my list, you get major cinephile cred with me.  That said, I am sure more than a few of you had to click the link for Defending Your Life. It’s major draw in the 90’s was (and would be today) that Meryl Streep was in it. Truth be told this is one of the few movies with her in it I can stomach (and maybe Julie and Julia). That’s neither here nor there, however. Have you figured out the one thread that ties this movie to the others on my list?

They are all about confronting fear or dealing with it.

Albert Brooks wrote this movie and the end premise is about conquering fear and how many times you are fearless quantifying if you are ready to move on to the hereafter.

So what does this have to do with either my journey, or BDSM, or both?

Bear with me, I want to tell you a little story about myself first – we’ll get there, I promise.

When I was in high school, not many people knew, but I LOVED sports – and a few would have agreed I was really good at quite a few of them. I never played on high school teams though.

One afternoon when I was 16 or 17 (grade 11) a bunch of us had a free period and would go fuck around in the gym. Well rather than just shooting hoops by myself, as I did ALL the time at home, and during some free periods, there was a volleyball net set up. You see, my school had one of the best Highschool AAA volleyball teams in the country (for both boys and girls). In my high school, volleyball players were treated with the same reverence some high schools treat their basketball and football players. Well, I couldn’t shoot hoops, but one of the girls I had known since primary school invited me to fill the 6th position on their team, I am sure the rest of the varsity team was salivating at the prospect of spiking a ball directly into my face. You see on a good day back then I was 5’9 and 180 Lbs – Short and built like a beer keg – great for the martial arts I was involved in, not so good for vertical lift.

So, the game begins and I try as hard as I can, I’m diving for digs, and receiving in the back row fairly well.  I Always try as hard as I can, no matter what I’m doing. Suddenly it’s my turn in the front row, now for those who are not familiar the front row is responsible for attacking – Spikes, and blocking spikes – Oh shit. Truth be told I did better than OK, and the Short beer keg looking bastard that I was even managed to get high enough to Spike the ball with a reasonable downward arc.

When we were done and just sitting back on the bleachers waiting for the bell, I had 3 members of the boys and girls varsity teams ask me why I never tried out – in their estimation, I would have made the cut. I never did answer them with more than a smile and a shrug. But I knew the answer clanging around in my head all too well.

I was Scared of Fucking up and being laughed at and ridiculed.

I have no real defense, other than to explain that I was raised that way – my parents were both scared of me getting hurt, or worse if I ever played sports or did anything physical. Even the martial arts I was involved in, I kept MUCH of the physicality of the sparring to myself so that they wouldn’t “convince” me to stop going.

Now that all of that is at least 20+ years behind me, I look back on it and laugh at what a poor mindset that was. I look at my mom who I love dearly and see all the irrational (to me) things she still harbors fear about, I don’t want to end up like that – however it is hard to undo YEARS of growing up with that, much like deprogramming people who are no longer catholic, but will still answer “and also with you” when they hear “may the lord be with you”.

With BDSM, and power exchange, We are all living outside of the norm – most of society would Squirm if they ever witnessed a scene between a sadist and masochist in real time. I remember an incident on fetlife with a face slapping video: someone watched it and because people fear that which is unknown or foreign to them this man threatened to call the police on them for domestic violence. Fear is everywhere, and it can be destructive to not only yourself but others too if you let it leak out.

Many facets of personal growth in the lifestyle can boil down to conquering fears – that is why it’s so important to have a slave or s-type that encourages growth, along with the Master doing the same for the slave. As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears,

As the Master in the relationship, most will tell you we must have a good handle on our fears, and truth be told we do, but not as firm a grip as most think. Masters can have fear too – I choose to address mine in many ways, writing here, talking with my little fae, and seeking advice and opinions from people we are close to, and respect.

I’ve made a conscious decision to meet my fears as head on as possible and deal with them if at all possible. I do still have a few that I struggle with daily (and sometimes less frequently) but I will get there eventually – it’s a marathon, not a race.

Bob Diamond: They can make a mistake. You shouldn’t let others get to you like this. Just follow what’s in here.

[points to his heart]

Daniel Miller: [Daniel nods in agreement]

Bob Diamond: Don’t worry, and don’t kick yourself forever. Just take the opportunities when they come.”      – Rip Torn as Bob Diamond, and Albert Brooks as Daniel Miller in Defending Your Life.

I will follow what I want in my heart, and deal with my fears – quite possibly the most imporant thing I can do as a Man, a Master, and someone trapped on this floating rock for a finite period of time.

Regards,

 

Syn.

Body Image and Body Positivity For Men.

I really should be working on my presentation for MAsT coming up, but I find I can’t. Not yet anyway.

I’ve been having a rough week self-esteem wise.

No longer working (Got fired from a rather Homo/Transphobic place I spoke up about [they, of course, found a reason to fire me]). Not really having much of a support system/friend base here at home, and my manageable but still present depression, has created a fairly impressive “low” for me.

Something I have been mulling over recently, and for quite some time, is not really a double standard, but perhaps more of something that slips by marginally unnoticed for a few reasons. I hope to shed some light on it, as well as perhaps put my own mind at rest, or even just catharsis through putting it all on “paper”.

Male body image issues.

All the time you see Female body image empowerment. This is a fantastic thing! people should be comfortable with who they are and celebrated. I do have a caveat for this for both men and women, though – As long as you are healthy! Not to say we need to look like the preconceived images of modern day Adonis or Aphrodite, far from it, but one should not be a walking time bomb of health issues either.

From BBW dance nights(which I enjoy going to immensely btw), to support groups, meme’s, and all manner of other empowering supports. They’re everywhere, which as I said is fantastic!

Women are constantly held to a perceived standard by media:  Kim Kardashian, Ruby Rose, Scarlett Johansson, and Megan Fox, the list goes on.

Men are also held to a similar standard: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Brad Pitt, Ryan Reynolds, Brad Gosling and Connor McGregor.

All of these men hold a few things in common besides their star power – Ridiculously sculpted physiques. Time and time again people try to sell you on the idea of fat loss, thermogenic’s (fuck these things btw), the next big bad workout routine, 6 pack abs in 12 steps! What people don’t realize is two things they can’t dictate are a genetic predisposition. Not everyone can get down to 8% body fat and hold it (yes single digit body fat is where visible abs happen). Then there is dedication – don’t get me wrong, more and more people will spend tons of time in the gym, eating properly and all the other things you need to do. However, guys like The Rock spend HOURS in the gym, same with these other stars , when preparing for a role they spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on diet, trainers, and pure time spent. The average guy just can’t, or if they do they’ll sacrifice other areas of their life to achieve, and it can be detrimental to living a balanced life.

Always be happy, Never be satisfied.

My body type is  one that will never be at single digit body fat, I am a mesomorph but I did take a period of time to spend 5 days a week in the gym, my goal wasn’t fat loss, though, I wanted to get as strong as possible. As I once told a friend, I don’t do a lot of cardio, I’d rather kill the bear than run from it.

During my time at the gym, I overheard things leveled right at me by people who assumed my music was on. I won’t go into it, but let me just say, they were some very negative comments about my physique. Body shaming doesn’t just happen to women, I have had it directed at me as well.

Even as recent as two weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend (via video) and someone passing by in the background exclaimed “Put your fucking shirt on! We don’t want to see that!”. Keep in mind I am a big guy, and hairy as a grizzly. These two things have always been an object of ridicule until I met my little fae, she for some reason loves both my size and my Furriness. However, thanks to my previous experiences I am VERY self-conscious about these things, if you’ve ever seen me shirtless, then I trust you, more than most.

The other body image issue men are constantly bombarded with is something that bothers the shit out of me, as well as something that was brought closer to the surface thanks to of all things a radio add I heard not long ago.

One of the most vicious insults you often heard hurled at a man is penis size (this is not including the Fetish of small penis humiliation). “limp dick”, “small”, “is it in yet?”.

You’ve likely heard these things leveled at someone at some point, and really if you’re looking to truly insult a guy, the penis, and inherent masculinity is closely tied together.

Even on sex-positive sites like fetlife I see lines like “I’ma size queen so if you’re not hung don’t bother”, and other similar “size queen/king” statements.  How many guys have actually measured the size of their penis ? More than you think.

The other day we were driving to a neighboring city and I actually heard a radio ad for something promising to increase length and girth all the while a smug female voice promising that it would drive women crazy, WHILE implying the bulk(no pun intended) of men were inadequate. Fuck those people, fuck them with our average sized dicks in the ear.

Now, I’ve never considered myself anything but average, honestly, I DID measure myself when I was younger, and always considered myself small when you compare to the 8 to 10-inch monster cocks you see in porn. No one ever talks about an average dick, dildo’s and vibes are 7 to 8 inches long. and what you see on fetlife are guys who post penis pics – apparently the new rage is holding your dick next to a can of coke, or hairspray to prove its fucking huge. Personally, if I rely on my dick for self-worth, I’d never have sex again – I can’t compete with Hernando the monster cock, or the guy who’s as thick around as a bottle of water. (I have seen this, and really genetics ? what the actual fuck?) But I am sure those who enjoy that are especially happy. I’d just prefer to see more love for guys who are average.

All in all male self-image is a huge concern, but that brings me to my last point.

None of this is ever fucking mentioned because it flies under the radar. Men are not to show weakness, WE DO NOT talk about our problems because it shows weakness, it’s just another thing that is “unmanly”. I say fuck that, by nature, we are simply making the problem worse, men who show weakness are to be further ridiculed. “we don’t talk about our feelings”, “we don’t show that anything bothers us”, and my favorite “be a man about it”.

All of these things are used to shame us into silence, and largely those of us with issues are SCARED to get the help we need.

In the end, we NEED more male body acceptance, for ALL body types. We need to realize that male self-image is a bigger problem than people believe, and we need to start appreciating men for who they are, not based on an unrealistic interpretation of masculinity perpetuated by Hollywood, and big media.

Men, Women, Humans in general are ALL beautiful, and we deserve to be told so.

Fear and the Disciplinarian.

Recently as you may be aware, we have taken on a third into our dynamic. bubs is still new in the kink/Power exchange world, but is currently under consideration to be my submissive.

I can’t help but feel as though this is a test from whatever force you believe is directing us on this floating rock.

A test I feel as though I am barely keeping my head above water on.

I got incredibly lucky with dot – she had been in the lifestyle for many years, and was long since trained as a submissive when she met me, and as she reminds me she has the slave heart she has always been submissive minded, it is something you are born with.

With bubs she is new, and honestly I’ve never “trained” a submissive before…. So this is all undiscovered country with me. I’ve done my best to guide her towards making better choices, and teach her as much as I can about power exchange – along with trying to teach her how to be more assertive in life, and make healthier choices.

I suppose I take for advantage (in a way) that dot and I have come very far from where we were at bubs’ age, we’ve put in the work, had less than stellar pasts and come out of the other side of our crucible, stronger and with many more life lessons to draw on.

In a way I am envious of bubs…at her age I wasn’t quite done making my mistakes yet, and the spectacular ones were just starting to pile up. I think if I had come into the community earlier I might have found the part of me that was missing sooner….but as they say – everything happens for a reason.

Now, why do I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water in this situation ?

Part of this is my own doing.

bub’s and I had a conversation some time ago, about me not being as strict on her as I should (can) be, and I vowed that in order to be authentic and truthful to her I was going to tighten up and be as much of a disciplinarian with her as I am dot.

This has not been the case.

Up until now I’ve been scared… scared of scaring bub’s off because I can be a pretty demanding hard ass. I do it out of love but it can be way too much for some people, and I can’t help but think it was that raw part of me that scared off the hellcat as well…. I voiced these opinions to both dot and bubs and I was assured that was not the case.

So now what ?

Time to actually tighten up and start expecting more, if I fail to be the Master that I am, then I am not being authentic. That won’t gives bub’s the -real- me, and thats not fair to her…. Nor is it fair to dot because I don’t let her get away with anything, I should expect no less of anyone else joining our house.

Moving forward I WILL be tougher, not overly so, but I will make it comparative to what I expect of dot, it is fair, and to do less would lessen a TPE structure I have already built, and another one I am hoping to continue to build.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

Where Syn Starts Getting His Shit In Order.

Last Night I wrote further about my Needle Play Experience, and a few things i had mulled ovver in my head as a result, and unfortunately wordpress ate it. This did however get me thinking more, and so I started re-writing when I got home from work, as I had more time to think.

I’ve come to realize that I thoroughly enjoyed myself topping someone that wasn’t Dot. After some conversation with her, and yet more processing, I also realize that there is no reason for me to feel guilty about doing so – as long as the bottom in question has respectfully asked Dot for permission to play with me/asked me and I tell her (part of our negotiated verbal contract), then I should just enjoy myself. it’s incredibly hard for me to just let go of a lifetime of stigma and being up tight regarding anything vaguely erotic or “abnormal”.  Dot assures me that she Loved watching me “at work” and sat visiting with Lola while doing so.

Which brings me to the next point and a hard one for me to admit.

I’m marginally jealous of Dot at these events.

Whether she see’s (or admits) it, or not she garners A LOT of attention at these events. quite often I feel as though I am nothing but an afterthought to some. She doesn’t see it, but she is strikingly beautiful, and even though she is my Slave, she can dominate a room just on her presence alone when she enters it. Couple this with my lack of ability to overcome some pretty deep seeded self esteem issues, and I do on occasion feel left out when it comes to women who have made it no secret that they want to play with her. We also talked about this at length – and at the root of it, is my self esteem issues, I have to learn to not give a fuck.

They say it takes 21 days of repetition to build or break a habit, I am more than willing to put in the work to break this issue I have… I just don’t know where to start or how. I am proud of myself though, I’m MUCH better than I was even 5 years ago.

It’s frustrating for me to be so sure of myself in some aspects, and so fucking weak or unsure in others. I don’t even know how to put words to it to be honest, I have sat here from the last paragraph to this one thinking for a good 15 minutes on it, and still the words won’t come.

She assures me that I am very very good at starting conversations, and she can handle the flirting, but to be honest, I need to learn to do a bit of that myself – which brings us back to finding my center of “not giving a fuck zen”.

Perhaps I need to stop trying to analyze and just do, rather than over thinking – it’s not Astrophysics.

Right?

Goddamn it.

Regards,

 

Syn

We Need Them on Board.

As a Master, I have quite a few rules that I expect my slave to follow, some of them are hard, and she doesn’t like them, but she does it because she loves me. Other rules are easy and natural to us. Some of her rules are counter-intuitive to the slave mindset.

One of these particular rules springs to mind due to a fellow Masters current situation – he and his girls also happen to be among some of the closest friends we have, and they have opened their house and hospitality to us numerous times when we visit their city.

My little fae’s rule is this – You are to take care of me, that means everything, including looking out for my health, and speaking up if Sir’s choice is not exactly in the best interests of keeping him healthy.

Most D-types, and some S-types might see this as an indication that I have no place being a Master, Dom or any other D-type if I don’t have ALL my shit in order – and for those people I have two words: Fuck you. We’re all human, creatures of comfort and impulse – if we were all 100% perfect all the time what a boring existence this would be.  I digress.

Dot follows this directive quite well, and in offering her opinion, still does so respectfully and with my best interests at heart, 99% of the time I listen since I value her judgement and opinion.

With that, she also supports my choices 100% and is always on board to join me in whatever I choose. When we met, she was a vegetarian, who I slowly converted to the meat-side – and when I went Paleo she jumped in with both feet to support me, and as such we have both benefited.

As a D-type, we need the support and involvement of our S-types even when sometimes we don’t ask. Anticipatory service is part and parcel of what I consider to be a good S-type, and what better way to anticipate the needs of your D-type than to join them in their journey – be that Diet, exercise, or (non-kink) lifestyle choices.

As D-types, sometimes we need to put on our Dom-pants and drag them along for purely selfish reasons because WE NEED THEM. I don’t think it is out of the realm of reason to even tell them that (*gasp!*) it doesn’t affect your dominance, in fact it might even reinforce it.

“The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he’s got an abscess on his knee or in his soul.” -Rona Barrett

Just some food for thought.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

Random thoughts – beginnings of a rant

“The Gift of Submission”

“Know why you submit to Me as I lay claim apon you….”

The two above quotes, are examples of the type of thing I hear daily… From internet rhetoric to romanticizing the position of a dominant (2nd quote is a direct copy/paste from a writing, yes i know its spelled Upon). There’s a lot of bullshit that floats around on a daily basis out there.

We never talk about the gift of dominance, ever notice that? If the masses of 50 shades housewives and armchair Dominants are to be believed, then inherently
submission is more valuable because it is “given freely as a gift”…. Well I hate to break it to you, but I don’t “Dom” someone without a damn good reason, Sure I’ll top, or be your Sadist (maybe). But for me to bestow the Gift of Dominance upon a worthy submissive I must know that she is pure as the driven snow, with an upstanding public persona, who in private is willing to let her hair down. She must become a ravening sex-starved, cock hungry, cum dumpster, willing to do everything I say as it leaves my lips and not question me, for my gift is dominance and it must not be questioned, or rebuffed.

Do you see how ridiculous that sounds ?

Similarly – the laying claim horse shit and other overly romantic notions of the Marquis de Sade, and his historical brethren – you’re all fucking deluding yourselves. Dom’s – be your version of a dominant, don’t be a Christian Grey, or the Marquis de Sade, or Lestat the vampire or whatever other internet personality you might be emulating. Sub’s, don’t get disappointed when you can’t find these Ideal archetypes (but don’t settle either).

Life is not perfect, BDSM is not perfect, but be real, be genuine.

If you’re becoming something you’re not, in an effort to get a submissive, or pussy  or the adoration of doe-eyed submissives everywhere….then you’re just being one of the posers I have nothing but scorn for.

 

A few Random thoughts that may later coalesce into a bigger post.

 

Regards,

 

 

Syn