Consideration: Like Test Driving for Power Exchange.

I recently decided to bring back an old tradition very few seem to practice anymore, and I’m not sure why more don’t.

Consideration.

In a power exchange relationship or at least the more traditional D/s or M/s dynamics there used to be a period of consideration which may or may not include a collaring. For myself it did not include a collar – for me a collar is a VERY special recognition of my belief that you will fit well into the lives of not only Myself, but my slave as well.

So what IS consideration?

To me (and from much that I have read) it is a period where an S-type requests to be considered for a permanent position (and collar) with a dominant. Now I would think that a slave or submissive would also want to check out the dominant. Think of this consideration phase like a test drive or (if you’re old enough) going steady. The submissive would be given rules to adhere to ([different or less than] the rules she would have as a fully collared S-type within the Master’s house). It allows the Master to evaluate the submissive – and see if the fit would work within his house, as well as setting up a rough plan for how to improve upon, and integrate her skills to fit his needs.

In the reverse, it is also a chance for the S-type to check out how the Master does things, and see if he would be a good fit for her goals as well. After all – a babygirl would have one hell of a time with a disciplinarian focused dominant and would not flourish, which if they’re both astute, they should realize quickly. It is also a chance for the submissive to prove to the Master she could also settle into a pecking order with other S-types and blend into service with them with as little disruption as possible.

For these reasons alone I think it is more than worth waiting to collar an S-type. How many times in vanilla life (or other kinky dating) did you get through  a month or two of dating and realize you were completely incompatible ? Probably made it difficult (or at least awkward) to break it off I’d assume?

If both parties go in KNOWING that this is the equivalent of a test drive, then there should be less hard feelings should one party decide the arrangement won’t be for them.

Now the consideration phase should still include things like first meetings, safe calls, and negotiation without any power imbalance. Setting guidelines amicable to both is paramount so that the consideration phase can have as high as possible of a chance of succeeding.

Most will also Adhere to this being a time when the S-type is essentially “off-limits” to other Dominants, as they are considering moving into a heavier commitment with the Dominant who is considering them. Some also impose a set period of time for the consideration phase, with renegotiation able to happen at the end of that period. Renegotiation could either be another consideration phase, or moving into a training collar.

To some this may seem antiquated or like “too much work” – however to me, and at this point in my life I have decided that it is neither. I have my slave, and I love her dearly, she proved, bled and earned her collar through service, hard work and PROVING she wished to give her all to me. Why should I accept less from a potential partner ? For one who truly wishes to join her and I on a journey, we will give her our all, so she should be prepared to pass the consideration period, and give as much as we will give in return.

Too many times I see “velcro” collars.

Oh you’re owned by so-and-so?

oh, that was last week ?

So you’re now owned by So-and-so?

Oh, that was yesterday ?

Today you’re owned by someone else?

This does not show me a true desire to submit, Defer and need anything but a fashion accessory around your neck for an ill percieved “status” symbol.

So why would I waste my time? I certainly wouldn’t waste yours.

 

In Leather,

 

Syn.

The Perfect Storm (Or: But wait! There’s MORE!)

You know that Movie from 2000 The Perfect Storm ? No? you should go watch it, seriously, because I’m about to use a part of the ending from it as a comparison, and I don’t want to be THAT dick that spoils a really good movie for you.

*********

So at the end of the movie there’s a Scene where a MASSIVE wave has overturned the Andrea Gail and George Clooney’s character is in the wheelhouse and pushes Mark Walberg’s Character out and to give him a chance to survive, while retreating into the darkness ?

I can kind of empathize with Clooney at this point.

Now I’m not intentionally trying to be melodramatic, but today has been one of those days where the water just kept rushing in, and more and more keeps piling up.

So what’s going on you may ask ?

First off, dot and I are fine, dealing with everything but realistically our relationship is as strong, if not stronger than it’s ever been .

On another relationship front, things aren’t so good. Today dot and bubs ended their relationship. Now I have known for some time that dot was feeling used, and unnoticed by bubs, and I tried to tell bubs as such without overstepping into a territory that would force them into a relationship. However, there was no follow through on certain things from bubs, and dot, being very logical and of no time for that sort of thing ended up pulling away to the point where she ended things earlier today.

Which leads into me.

I am now at a junction, bubs and I haven’t been doing well from a TPE standpoint at all – and I have discussed the things she needs to work on, however these things have come to a head and it compounds with her BPD escalating, her thinking the thought that she is now going to lose me, because the triad we had searched for never really stabilized.

My issue is this – Recently I have felt as though the last 3 months have just gone in one ear and out the other with bubs, simple concepts I would expect someone under consideration to grasp and execute are just NOT THERE. Or my word is taken as a suggestion not an order, even after punishment and re-evaluation,  the same mistakes are continuing to be made. SO now I have some thinking to do.

But wait! There’s MORE!

I am also watching two families implode, my leather family is having their own struggles with BPD, their other partner and things in general.  I feel rather helpless thinking I should be doing more to help, but also knowing I can’t until things settle with them all. Not to mention their partner who is basically my sister is training her three girls and dealing with their recent issues and fuck-ups still haunting them, and dealing with that.

But wait! There’s MORE!

Work is having an issue with a young man who works for us who doesn’t know better than to discuss with clients how fucking wasted he got last night, etc, and even after telling our manager repeatedly, she refuses to take action to discipline or fire (which is the only real choice). This drives me fucking crazy. I’ve talked to the kid, but being unable to discipline him, it goes in one ear and out the other. At work, sadly I am a dog without teeth, nothing more than my words. And no matter how I approach it, I’m stuck bailing out water with my regulars because of this irresponsible jackass child and the weak person in the authoritative position to correct it.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of tonight we may be hosting someone from the community as a “couch-guest” for a while – They fucked up with the lease on their apartment, and as such will be homeless in less than 48 hours.  Now bear in mind, we currently ALSO have dot’s oldest and her partner staying with us until they find a place. So a 2 bedroom home could possibly now have 5 people (and 4 cats) living in it for a while.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of 4PM this afternoon (as I found out from my father in the last 20 minutes of work), My mother was admitted to the hospital because of her recent injury.  She has found herself unable to move or walk very well from a pinched nerve in her lower back – My mother is 73 and also recently tore all the ligaments in her leg due to a blackout/fall some months ago. She is currently settled in the hospital and on an IV rehydrating from lack of water, and also being treated for a lack of nutrition – due to not being able to sit and cook and the like. My father didn’t know this because mom never said a word to him or I. She was more worried about being a burden to people than being healthy, which is out and out destructive pride.

But wait! There’s MORE! (sort of)

There are some other things going on of note that has contributed to the day, however I will discuss those at a later time, because they deserve more attention and examination than a paragraph in an already comprehensive entry.

I’m feeling rather overwhelmed today (and really for the last few days and weeks), but writing was high on my list of priorities to get this out of my head….

I’m not sure of solutions or much of anything at this point, I just needed to put it in words so I can dump some of the stress, refocus and re-arm.

Regards,

 

Syn.

Fear and the Disciplinarian.

Recently as you may be aware, we have taken on a third into our dynamic. bubs is still new in the kink/Power exchange world, but is currently under consideration to be my submissive.

I can’t help but feel as though this is a test from whatever force you believe is directing us on this floating rock.

A test I feel as though I am barely keeping my head above water on.

I got incredibly lucky with dot – she had been in the lifestyle for many years, and was long since trained as a submissive when she met me, and as she reminds me she has the slave heart she has always been submissive minded, it is something you are born with.

With bubs she is new, and honestly I’ve never “trained” a submissive before…. So this is all undiscovered country with me. I’ve done my best to guide her towards making better choices, and teach her as much as I can about power exchange – along with trying to teach her how to be more assertive in life, and make healthier choices.

I suppose I take for advantage (in a way) that dot and I have come very far from where we were at bubs’ age, we’ve put in the work, had less than stellar pasts and come out of the other side of our crucible, stronger and with many more life lessons to draw on.

In a way I am envious of bubs…at her age I wasn’t quite done making my mistakes yet, and the spectacular ones were just starting to pile up. I think if I had come into the community earlier I might have found the part of me that was missing sooner….but as they say – everything happens for a reason.

Now, why do I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water in this situation ?

Part of this is my own doing.

bub’s and I had a conversation some time ago, about me not being as strict on her as I should (can) be, and I vowed that in order to be authentic and truthful to her I was going to tighten up and be as much of a disciplinarian with her as I am dot.

This has not been the case.

Up until now I’ve been scared… scared of scaring bub’s off because I can be a pretty demanding hard ass. I do it out of love but it can be way too much for some people, and I can’t help but think it was that raw part of me that scared off the hellcat as well…. I voiced these opinions to both dot and bubs and I was assured that was not the case.

So now what ?

Time to actually tighten up and start expecting more, if I fail to be the Master that I am, then I am not being authentic. That won’t gives bub’s the -real- me, and thats not fair to her…. Nor is it fair to dot because I don’t let her get away with anything, I should expect no less of anyone else joining our house.

Moving forward I WILL be tougher, not overly so, but I will make it comparative to what I expect of dot, it is fair, and to do less would lessen a TPE structure I have already built, and another one I am hoping to continue to build.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

A Low Day, and Some insight.

Well, thus far the week has Been quiet, and quite the learning curve.

With the Bells Palsy, even eating is a bit of a chore, and I find myself having to be extra careful at work – no one wants to have a sales associate that has ceasar dressing in his beard…. Rum maybe, but I’d need to wear the eye patch to make that legit. I’ve Resorted to working in sunglasses to give my good eye a rest, and limit the amount of questions that take up time during the day regarding how/what/where and why about my Bells Palsy.

I will admit, today I had a bad day – and while I kept laughing and joking my self esteem took a dive – I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the washroom, and then walked out to help a customer – which I might add was a gorgeous girl that I have talked with an “safe-flirted” with in the past (all part of the Job). Today, there was none of that, she noticed, asked and when I told her her whole demeanor changed to one of pity.

It’s not the first time something like this has effected me – many girls over the years have dismissed me – and I know there is only ONE that matters, but still, this one hurt a little bit, and my newly found fuckitall zen crumbled a little bit.

Perhaps its vanity, or something else – but my other thought was how does this translate to my Lifestyle ? Our quest for our unicorn ? I’m not the most attractive man out there, although my little fae Disagree’s and I love her for it. I’m more of the kinda guy that needs to talk to someone for a while – thats my ace in the hole: my Mind.

“I’ve never gotten laid because of the way I look, in my life. I know that. I’ve never gained from my looks at all. It’s not like, “Oh they’re going, what am I gonna do now?” I’ve never gained any advantage in life – I’ve never been laid because of the way I look. I’ve never been a guy who can just walk in a room and women go, “Ohhhhhoooo!”… I’m not that guy. I’m the guy that women see and they go, “Ehhh?” and I’m like, “No I know but just let me talk to you for a minute.” – Louis CK.

Just a little snippet of how I felt today, on top of missing My little fae like crazy – it has been a hard week for us both, and I am torn between wanting to be there for her, and wanting her near for my own peace of mind.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

 

 

 

Had a Ball, and it Didn’t Deflate.

 

The weekend is over, and I must say although I am exhausted , I am also very content – and in a much better headspace about some things.

Saturday was The Ball in the neighboring city, so after work off we went .  We got there later, so we ended up dressing quickly and going with our Family to the Bar where the event is hosted.

It was fantastic to see everyone, and be greeted warmly by people. I am not, by nature a hugger, but I find it easy to accept and give hugs with all of these friends.

I must admit I am more at peace with my earlier issues regarding looking for a third, and am slowly finding my Fuckitall Zen. (this is relevant to the rest of what is about to follow).

When someone joins our local community (as more than a creeper) it’s a pretty big deal, and recently a woman joined/posted in our local group – being a curious pair, my little fae and I checked out her profile, and we were beyond impressed Cute (from her grainy picture) and intelligent/articulate. So needless to say we were looking forward to meeting her at the munch on the 24th.

Imagine our surprise, when after saying some requisite hello’s and hugs all around for some, we stepped into the main area of the Ball, and from across the room – there she was, 6 foot plus, in a corset, garters, panties and high heels (with pigtails). I think we were both struck almost speechless.

We did get a chance to meet her, and I was pretty proud of myself, I didn’t stammer at all, and even managed to get a laugh or two out of her. After my little fae and I said our goodbye’s and continued on to our table and visited with the MaST organizers, who also happen to be our family, and the other two a pair we consider good friends. The second pair is a Lesbian couple – Master and slave and very very much like us in the way we are…. this was the first real event we had seen them at outside of MaST, and a dinner they invited us to at their home.  I loved being able to visit and laugh with all of them.

During this event, there are kink vendors galore, and from another contact of ours we purchased a Plug and Tail for my little fae, as well as a Brand new 20″ oiled leather Flogger, Along with a new leopard print collar for my little fae.

After a Post Ball trip to a restaurant for a late night snack, it was back to the house to sleep.

The next morning I had a chat with Randilin and Tamile, I was curious about their thoughts on my  recent Needle play experience, and resulting battle with my brain, along with some thoughts on how that related to my little fae and I searching for our third.

My talk with them was also a form of personal growth for me. Even a year ago, my little fae, and these pages would have been the only place I would have voiced my problems, and I cannot thank those two for their insight, and compassion – they did largely reinforce many things I had already come to terms with, but also sent me home with some reading material and a bit more to think about. Truth be told, I will likely be better moving forward than I would have been without the conversation.

I will have more on this I am sure, but for now, Just a recap.

I am looking forward to the munch, and enjoying the ride to come…. I know I’ll be fighting my head for a while to come, but at least now I know where to start.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

Of Vampires, Work and MaST

I’m Tired.

It has been a long week full of emotional vampires at work, but I am lucky enough to have amazing regulars that make the nights go by much faster.

I work in a vape shop, and at 35 I am (when the 20 year old college student is done) youngest member of the staff by at least 10 years. Now, my little fae is 8 years older than me, however she is young at heart, and not stuffy or (overly) stubborn. To me Vaping is a passion something that I carry with me into every sale, from a person just getting their start to get off cigarettes,  to the Builders that come in and cloud chase.

My co-workers aren’t as excited about this – Nor knowledgeable, and it wears on me to constantly be asking questions related to the Technical side of our product. My Regulars make it much more bearable to keep my energy up, because we are ALL excited about vaping, building and everything vape related. the alst 2 hours of my shift were spent talking vaping with 5 or 6 regulars that came in and Cloud chasing with them, the front of the store was fogged out and smelled of all manner of deliciousness.

So now I am off until Monday with a trip into the City to attend MAsT, which I am excited for, as it means time with my little fae. Related to that – W/we have been asked to present next month on Living 24/7, I am both excited to share my thoughts and terrified, and also perplexed a bit on having to do so. My little fae has MANY years in this lifestyle, and is a wealth of knowledge – I do have a wealth of knowledge, however there is a small part of me that wonders if I am “good” enough to stand in front of some who have almost double (if not triple) my years in the lifestyle.

Just a Quick “how’s it going” From me, my Brain is Mush, so off to call My little fae after -her- emotional vampire leaves, make some food and vape/relax a bit.

Rest well and Regards,

 

Syn

 

Naps, and Sanity

This has been an incredibly long week, I am in the midst of a 50 hour workweek, and praying for the bosses to hire another person to give myself and the other full-timer a break.

On the bright side, my little fae is coming over to nap tonight.

I love our naps, we don’t see each other during the week at all, Google talk conversations and the daily phone call to check in on her at work are it. We get so little time on the weekends as well that these naps help to keep me sane. It amazes me how much I miss her when she is gone.  I have missed being able to play more consistently as well, on the weekends as much as I want to “play” largely we just end up having Animalistic and Primal sex, which is AMAZING – but I would love to be able to play as well.

Just a quick hiya, and checking in…

Now, off to Finish eating and relax a bit before bed.

Regards,

 

Syn

Changes and Progress.

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. – George Bernard Shaw.

It has been an interesting two weeks or so since I wrote here last, and rather than Write the post I had mentioned on Hetero Leather that I promised, I thought I should instead update you on a few major changes in the lives of Syn and Dot.

So, As I mentioned I used to be a smoker – and since about the Middle of June I’ve been vaping instead… for me, it’s a harm reduction alternative and still allows me to keep a vice, as I don’t drink anymore or any of that other stuff from my misspent youth. I’ve been Cigarette free almost 4 months, and learning as much as I could about vaping from online sources regarding the units themselves, tanks and juice.

Recently a store opened here that sells vapes, and accessories – I used to frequent the stores of the same brand in the larger city we travel to for MaST as well, so when I noticed it had opened here, my little fae and I stopped in. In the course of conversation with the store manager he off-handedly mentioned that they were looking to hire some full time people.  So later the next week I dropped off my Resume, had my First and second interviews within 2 days of each other and was hired almost instantly.

Up until now I have been living off smart investments, and a modest rental revenue, certainly taking care of my basic needs, but not allowing me to get ahead. So now with this, I’ve taken a step out of repetitiveness and decided to move forward.

Because of this my little fae and I have been getting much less time together, as I am now essentially working 9 to 5 and she starts work at 4 PM until around 1:30 AM.  We will probably take a while to adjust to this, and it will be compounded by the vacation that we will have  together starting this Friday – A full week together! we’re going to be spoiled by each other’s company. We still have Saturdays and Sundays together – and all though I have made it a point to inform work I need at least one Saturday off a month (for MaST, as it is a necessity as a support system and relationship builder for us), I will still have to work some Saturdays as well.   We will manage and get that dealt with eventually in terms of time for U/us as well.

As a TPE couple we now have a mutual goal in sight, moving in together (eventually) – my little fae has also taken some steps to move forward as well (spurred by my choice to do so) and it means big changes and opening of possibilities for us. She recently took steps to move forward with her divorce, which for me is a huge relief (that aspect of her life which encompasses kids as well, was a hard limit so I would voice an opinion, but not exert influence.), For me it gives me a light at the end of this tunnel and pushes me to -want- to do more than exist, we have a plan and a possible long term future to strive for and achieve.

As we are moving forward for us, as in all things, communication, compromise and doing what is right for both of us to have our needs met, is going to be the path to success.  We had a talk as well regarding certain things we can do as a TPE couple to smooth over this change in our routine, and she will now be given a small task for each day of the week (from me) to replace the time we would have had coffee together, so that not only is she going to be doing daily household tasks for me, but it will benefit her by cutting down the amount of work she has on weekends so we may have more time together.  I will still be checking in with her at work every night, and I will be messaging her in the mornings before i go to work, so that she knows I am there if needed. I have also decided to cave and Purchase a smart phone for texting and another method of keeping in contact.

It should be an interesting few weeks for us, and I will do my best to post when I have free time, but it may be spotty for the next while, and so for that, I apologize.

 

Regards,

Syn

Hetero Leather Culture – In the Spirit of Leather.

I recently finished a fantastic book on Old Guard rituals and protocols. I’m not by any means gay or bisexual as I have mentioned, however it was an excellent accounting of traditions and protocols as he remembered from his time in that era.

I have taken an interest in leather culture, families, and old guard mentality. Being Protocol and etiquette driven , it seems a natural progression in my evolution. My little fae recently surprised me again by  revealing that she was old leather – perhaps not from the 60/70’s but she had involvement with the leather community in the 80’s and beyond. How much I am not sure, as sometimes I have to be very specific in the questions I ask – she has issues just spewing (as she calls it) information about her past.

I have found in my research, that information regarding leather culture is very hard to come by….and that information is divided at best. Add on top of this my desire to learn, and research hetero leather culture and how it relates to Old Guard leather, and I have become…frustrated at best.

I feel personally as though I missed the boat on certain things, and perhaps a bit of an outside looking in mentality… As we get further and further from the 60’s those that remember old guard traditions, and teachings are harder and harder to find. Our community is small, and the neighboring one has a leather family(one that I know of) I have not had the chance to meet yet.

I suppose what will happen is my continued reading of Guy Baldwins material and other respected members of the old guard that still share their knowledge,  Surely out there somewhere is an accounting of how Old guard may have evolved to incorporate hetero additions to the community. I will until then, continue to best carry the spirit of leather, and uphold as many of the values, beliefs, and protocols as I can inside the bounds of what works for our M/s relationship.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

We Don’t D/s. We M/s, Can We Stop Beating the Dead Horse ?

I often hear stories about how in the old days BDSM was “underground” or hidden from the general public. I can kind of empathize with that thanks to a current situation W/we find ourselves  in, in our local community.

Now, the original leathermen found themselves in a situation where TPE, S&M and the very state of being gay was at best all considered mental illness and at worst if outed would result in a severe beating and possibly being killed. Let me be clear, my little fae and I are nowhere near that level of ostracism, and perhaps it’s in our heads, but I feel it’s something I need to explain and get off my chest.

As I have mentioned, my little fae and I are the only M/s couple who regularly attends our munches/is active in our community – A small aside for clarity: there is one female domme and her male sub that come out as regularly as possible (with 3 children under the age of 3 that can be difficult). There is another splinter community that has 2 other TPE couples we do not associate with for various reasons, we are just not compatible in thought, speech or action.

So in our community largely we are a solitary TPE couple, we are surrounded by kinksters. fetishists and purely S&M oriented couples. Normally we would have no issue with this, however we have one individual that rails so hard against labels, protocol and the structure we hold to be integral to our kink identity, that it seems almost phobic.

I’ve come to the point where I don’t really talk about TPE and our M/s dynamic openly to people in our community because I have come to feel that no one can really “let it be” – We have Rituals and protocols that we adhere to, but they are largely unobtrusive, the most obvious is the one of her sitting at my feet when it is not going to freak out the vanillas.

I ask questions of the community in our local fetlife group on a regular basis, and in doing so when it is relevant I draw parallels and comparisons between TPE and the question…. Numerous times the response from this person leads with “I don’t D/s, but……”  and even in one on one conversation he goes out of his way to point this out. I think the particular event(?) that broke the camel’s back was a journal entry I made on fetlife(and here) regarding Dominants and perceptions of what a Dominant should be. The response I received largely stayed on topic, except for a response from this individual basically laying out a whole guideline for his -own- definition of labels as it pertains to him (basically creating a whole new set of definitions/names for Dom/Sub/etc). To me, it was a direct slap in the face.

Perhaps I am taking this out of context or reading too much into it, however I must say that being “alone” in the local community we certainly feel alone when surrounded by people that are supposed to foster a feeling of belonging.  We were remarking the other day how Our trips to the bigger city for MaST and the people we have had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know, make us feel more at home then our locals do. Even the kinksters and fetishists are respectful, accepting or at the very least open to accepting what TPE means to us.  In the long run, this has been the reasoning behind our more frequent trips to that city for events and the community with-in. Yes, they have Politics but for the most part we stay neutral and prefer to simply enjoy the individuals rather than the climate between groups.

I’m not sure if this situation is just a one off pertaining to our little backwards town, or if there are others out there that have experienced something similar…but this is how I see it, and where W/we are atm community wise.

 

Regards,

 

 

Syn