Fear, Growth, and Keeping things on the Radar.

Fear is an odd thing. We all have fears, some more than others, fear is part of this weird cocktail of emotions that make us human.

I was raised to be fearful of change, I love my parents, but they’ve been stuck in the mindset of fearing change for more years than I can count, or remember. Time and time again I will say something and my little fae will say to me “That’s your Mother talking, Sir.” and she’s not wrong. That is her loving way of reminding me that I need to take a breath and alter my thought pattern on whatever we’re talking about.

As of late, my Mother’s voice has been in my head a lot.

So what change am I fearful of?

It’s hard to explain, with our goals for the upcoming year I am less fearful and more restless, I don’t like dragging my heels when it comes to things we want to get done. Where I am concerned, in order to progress with self, I have to address a few things and hope for some self-acceptance.

All my life I’ve struggled with body image and acceptance. In high school, I was a huge geek who preferred to read and play video games rather than sports – My formative years during puberty were spent being turned down by girls in favor of athletes and in other cases someone who wasn’t fat and could talk to girls without turning beet red. Now I understand this was in some cases twenty years ago, but the lessons and head fuckery still pop up today. Even in front of my little fae I can still be self-conscious about my body hair, and figure. I am getting better a little bit at a time, However, it’s a slow process and one that is hampered by the fact that certain people in the lifestyle can be shallow. I might not face the direct cruelty that teenagers are capable of, but if you think men aren’t held to a beauty standard, even in a body positive space like the kink community, you’re kidding yourself. Don’t believe me? Look up “bears” on fetlife, and try to find something that doesn’t revolve around a relationship based on fetishization outside the gay community. I’ll wait. Even now, during operation look better naked, I’ll still be a bear – I’m built big, and the downside is, I don’t have the height to match. Lol.

The other thing I fear and more immediate in nature is confronting my Wants and Desires in regard to the lifestyle. My needs are well met by my little fae, and I’ve tackled a few wants, I have Lola as a partner as well, who understands healthy polyamory more than I would have guessed, she and her primary have been amazing as we explore this. There are other things than what I mentioned in my previous post which I consider harder to simply talk about and even acknowledge they exist as a thought in my head. Some of these things are desires, some are wants. Some are relatively tame, and just need some further work to make a reality. Others will need some help from self-acceptance, and conversations with my little fae and perhaps Lola -if- I think she can help. it’s a scary thing opening up some of your deeper and more closely guarded thoughts, even to people you love and trust.

Now, this point isn’t so much fear, as confusion. For my entire life, I’ve identified as straight, however, there’s always been that little voice in the back of my head that isn’t so sure. I should clarify this before I go any further. from a purely physical standpoint, I am definitely attracted to women – curvy, bigger, muscular, average, athletic it doesn’t matter – I love ALL female shapes and sizes. As of a year ago (think), I found myself attracted to a MtF transgendered Pre-op woman, I love her brain and her personality, and in the process, I found there may have been some pants feelings attached to this. Now, nothing ever came of it, and probably for the best – she and I are what I would consider great friends, and her partners are fantastic. It just put the thought in my head, that I might be “Pan-curious” – hey, if people can be bi-curious or heteroflexible, I can be Pan-curious, maybe I’ll meet a brain at some point that does it for me again. Or does that make me queer? It bears some thought.

It’s Ironic I saved this one for last, as my little fae was just here to drop off some things at work, and get her collar put on, so she read everything up to this point prior to it being finished.

This one is one I always battle with, I always have a low-level fear of fucking up, or not being “enough” for my little fae. I am told time and time again by people that she’s too good for me, or that I’m in the way and if I wasn’t they’d “steal” her. I’ve had people say this directly to my face, and sometimes in front of her, both men and more often, women. Now I should point out that more often than not I ignore them out of hand, but cumulatively even though she tells me there’s no chance, that little voice in the back of my head sometimes gets just a bit louder. I wonder if someday I’m not going to be enough to help her when she hits a low,  I wonder if someday I just won’t be…. enough. I have to wonder if I can continue to provide what she needs to be a healthy and happy girl, at least to the best of my ability. It’s a dumbass way to think, but when dealing with the gremlins in your head, you have to realize it will happen.

In the end, fear is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to progress out there. For me posting this here is a step towards healthy vulnerability and addressing some harder topics for me, they are topics that don’t really fit with the normal narrative for me, these are things I don’t have solutions for – and really lack any sort of cohesive plan, but they do bear acknowledging and remembering they are there.

 

Regards,

 

Syn

 

 

 

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Hypocrisy and Realism.

 

Bear with me, I am about to get a bit ranty.

A Long while ago I wrote about over-romanticizing the lifestyle and setting yourself up for failure. I think it’s high time I revisited that.

Now before I start, I’d like to point out two things.

I am Liable to piss off a lot of people with this post, and that’s ok – if it pisses you off, you likely needed to hear it.

I am by no means referencing erotica, or fictional writings with this post. That’s a completely different animal.

Now I may be completely off base, or maybe it’s just me, however, I don’t see submission or dominance as any sort of “gift”. What power exchange is at its core is a form of symbiosis. Both of you working in concert to build the life, relationship and sexual experience you want. At the end of the day, the Master makes the final decisions on what is and isn’t acceptable within the bounds of the negotiated limits, yes, the slave can say no but that will 99% of the time end the relationship as it exists.  In my case, you can say no, but there better be a damn good reason, and if there isn’t you better do as you’re told.

Time and time again I see writings from other D-types that are pandering and catering to a completely unrealistic view of the lifestyle, mostly for likes on FetLife. They make it appears you will find a d-type or s-type and suddenly you become otherworldly and hold the secrets of pure power exchange in the palm of your hand. Suddenly with the proliferation of the internet, ANYONE can seem like an authority, and precious few people call them on their bullshit. Even me, you read the writings I post, and assume I know what I’m talking about, but do I have the experience my words carry? I encourage you to ask – I have a long-term slave, I have friends that can vouch for me, and at the end of the day I try to pass on what I’ve learned to those that have EARNED the knowledge. When I repeatedly say I am an expert at impact play, ASK people who have seen me play (or played with me) if that’s the truth. DO NOT blindly assume I am an authority because I write well, or post pretty pictures that make you weak in the loins.

I read something the other day that blew my goddamn mind. Regarding a threesome, the D-type in question said that it wasn’t about him, it was a “special gift” for his girl. BULLSHIT. If you receive even a bit of compersion from the joy of your partner, it IS about you in a small way – but let’s be honest here: I’ve seen countless posts on how ALL men want to get their dicks wet, and that’s all they want. Barring that, how many times have you seen a meme, or another post about sex being the primary driving factor for men, and even some women? you can’t have it both ways and applaud one person for their altruism while condemning another for being honest that a threesome will be fucking hot and that’s what they are focusing on. I want a cuckquean experience with a cute lady and my girl – why? because I’m fucking horny, and I like sex…. does that diminish my power exchange or the reality of it? No – but I won’t pander to the masses and tell you a cuckquean relationship will be a “special gift” for my slave. We both want it because we like sex, and we’re sluts. If a full-on relationship with the cuckcake happens, that’s awesome too, another person for sexy-times, with or without a Power exchange. Please also bear in mind, I/we are looking for partners that aren’t a cuckquean dynamic either – which might or might not have a sexual component.

It’s interesting to me to say the least, that with my writing about separating myself from the social media herd, I had some advice from someone I respect and admire, telling me to just shoot a PM and get to know the individual that caught my eye, So I did. I didn’t come on like a creep, I referenced something non-sexual that caught my eye, and was polite and respectful (trust me, I had my girl read and approve the message). I was summarily dismissed without so much as a second sentence. I’ve had people I find attractive, basically tell me to my face, that I’m not attractive enough, or assertive enough, or any other host of things, Hell I’ve even had people (on both sides of the slash) tell me that if I wasn’t in the way, they’d try and seduce My girl. These same people sing the praises of some fictional internet persona (some of which I know) and claim that because of their pictures, or writing, they are somehow “understanding” something those of us with real, palpable experience do not.

All of the above are forms of hypocrisy I have encountered on a fairly regular basis, and it perpetuates an unhealthy environment, where more and more you have people developing unrealistic expectations of people, power exchange, and potential partners on a whole. Not every D-type is going to have a supreme grasp of power exchange or every technique BDSM has to offer. Not every S-type is going to be a supple and pliable mind, or body you can order around without working on bonding with them. Not all potential partners will be physical sex personified in a suit or leather dress. Be smart enough to recognize pandering and call out hypocrisy, both from yourself and others – don’t blindly become a fanboi/gurl.

Now that you’ve read this far, I imagine there’s a ton of folks foaming at the mouth, waiting to tell me I’m wrong, or misguided, or mad, or I’m pissed because my life sucks.

Sorry to tell you, for the most part, I love my life. Just like anyone, there are things I’d like to change (and I am working to do so), but I felt that so many say we never talk about difficult issues – it was about time I tackled a bit of the hypocrisy I see on a day to day basis. Feel free to disagree and educate me, but don’t be an asshole about it.

Regards,

 

Syn.

Healthy Vulnerability and Mastery.

We are back from our trip to the city for yet another event, and while I had something completely different set to be written, after a conversation with my little fae, I feel this needs to take precedence, and in writing it, may end up being more therapeutic than the original idea I had.

Bear with me, this is going to be long, emotional and hard as fuck for me to get through because I’m going back many years –  and unearthing things that need to be unpacked to help me move further along my path.

I have a few undesirable traits that I need to get rid of in order to move further along my path of Mastery, and self-growth, but I’ll be damned if I know how to deal with them, or even if my fear of letting go of them will ALLOW me to.

In my early twenties, I was a very vulnerable person. I had a lifetime of wearing my heart, emotions, and thoughts on my sleeve. As a result, I was taken advantage of in my life by just about everyone, I have no one to blame but myself – “What you allow will continue” – and it did.

It continued, and I developed coping mechanisms and cultivated personality traits to shield myself from the hurt. I drank, heavily – more to allow my brain to stop with the anxiety and to possibly connect with people I wouldn’t connect with because of my shyness and low self-image.

The personality traits I cultivated are really the issue here, and I will address the why and what of them individually – as to move forward requires honesty and disclosure as a start.

Ego. 

I cultivated a fake sense of Superiority – Rather than becoming better at something, or working towards it, I was always at the top of my game, I created a fake confidence to shout down the voice that (sometimes still) screams in the back of my head that I am worthless, inept and “playing” at whatever it is I am dealing with. To this day even though I help facilitate MAsT in this area, I can’t help but manufacture confidence in the material rather than have the confidence come naturally. I manufacture fake confidence through ego in a great many things – even sometimes where the confidence SHOULD be genuine. Ego also caused me to become detached from the very people I reached out for, eventually, I withdrew into self-importance and sabotaged (unknowingly) my attempts to connect with people.

“When we remove ego, we’re left with what is real. What replaces ego is humility, yes—but rock-hard humility and confidence. Whereas ego is artificial, this type of confidence can hold weight. Ego is stolen. Confidence is earned. Ego is self-anointed, its swagger is artifice. One is girding yourself, the other gaslighting. It’s the difference between potent and poisonous.”
Ryan Holiday, Ego Is the Enemy 

If Ego is the Toxicity, and Humility replaces Ego.  how do I start to deconstruct a carefully crafted ego built with 20 years of care and exactness designed to keep me safe? I find it hard to be humble, truth be told I know I have moments of humbleness, and then they’re gone, as quick as the come. Like just now. I read this passage of and I realized, by acknowledging, I have moments of humbleness, I am letting ego take over because in actuality I shouldn’t have to point it out. Fuck.

Vanity. 

I can be a vain creature in many things, and that started at an early age (and in a different capacity continues to this day). I am constantly considering what will people think? I can’t do that I’ll look idiotic, or sounds stupid, or any other manner of vain excuse to not do, say or communicate what I really think, feel, or want. Vanity has led me to self-sabotage, and stunted personal growth, and happiness. Vanity has also led me to a place where if I do manage to communicate these things, it is only under duress, a feeling of being threatened, or absolute and concrete necessity. It cuts me off further from others because I am scared of being seen as weak for needing help. Do as I say not as I do Goddamn it.

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
Tennessee Williams

 

Pride.

Pride is something I struggle to find balance in, pride itself can be good, or bad, being Prideful is the problematic part. I take pride in few things but I am prideful about too much. Being prideful lends itself to an aura of arrogance, which, in my past was an excellent tool for keeping people at a distance. I still break that one out of the toy bag on occasion because it can help keep me out of situations or conversations where my vanity may be challenged. Pride in work well done is great, however too much pride in one’s image of self is another thing, it’s an odd dichotomy, I have a low self-image, but because I am prideful I cover showing that to most by self-deprecating humor. If they’re laughing -with- you, you can get out of saying anything of substance.

“A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.”
C.S. Lewis

The last point to touch on can’t be “sub-headed” in one word and it is something I need to modify so I can bring it out of the dark place I buried it years ago behind a wall made of Bourbon and pain.

Cultivating healthy vulnerability.

A healthy vulnerability is something I -know- about, but I have a hard time putting it into practice – in today’s world vulnerability has very negative connotations – exposed, and defenseless are probably two very common words associated with vulnerability.

Healthy Vulnerability to me is a form of freedom. Freedom to live authentically, and rather than sharing personal insights, it is instead the freedom to show people the “real” you, quirks, imperfections, and all manner of imperfectly perfect life. The problem for me, and why I shoved that into a box and crammed it behind my metaphysical wall is I do not know HOW to accomplish being vulnerable in a healthy manner.

 

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.”
Madeleine L’Engle

In the Search for authenticity and Mastery of myself, these are my first steps, they are the biggest ones because they are what remains of a toxic mindset of a scared young man, who was ill-equipped for life, and scared to let go of toxic people for fear of being alone.

I’m not that person anymore, and I don’t want to be, I want to let go of it. So here I am writing this for someone who has extended the hand to help.

 

Regards,

 

Syn