My First sexual experiences could be what you call a fucking train wreck. Really, most of them up until about 13 years ago.
The First few formative experiences though, they still haunt me. I won’t go into detail, but lets just say they were interrupted by family, I had no privacy in my parents home, and they had no sense of waiting to be invited into a room. So the first time I ever touched a woman (girl really we were 17), it ended up with my parents screaming at me while I was attempting to cover myself and shield a topless girl from view. Even after I bought a house years later and brought someone home from the bar (no drunk sex, but naked cuddling), I woke up to my mother kicking my foot and staring at me and the naked girl next to me. Even at 21 (?) my mother still knew how to shame me with just a look, not to mention calling a girl I actually liked a filthy whore and telling me she was not ever welcomed at a family event (pretty sure it was just going to be a casual thing, but didn’t even get that far when she woke up face to face with my scowling mother).
Honestly most of my sexual experiences in my 20’s (which weren’t many), ended (or didn’t start at all) Horribly.
I’m not Writing any of this for sympathy, what I am telling you this for, is because I want to outline a pattern of events that has left me with no small amounts of sexual trauma, Sexual shame, and difficulty expressing myself towards partners. Even at 41 years of age, in sex positive spaces, surrounded by sex positive people I struggle to even express interest in potential partners. I open my mouth to say something, or express a thought, or even fucking flirt and it falls flat, I look like the Surprised Pikachu meme honestly.
It becomes even more difficult once you actually start noticing the casual sexism and casual sexual shaming of men on social media, and elsewhere. I tend to take that and internalize a lot of it, as much as I try not to. I don’t want to be a creep or whatever, so I keep quiet – even when I know the human would be receptive because there’s always that chance that I’ll awkwardly say something that crosses the line into creepy (which I used to do with frightening regularity).
I currently have two partners one of which I have been together with for 13 years, and I still awkwardly struggle to initiate sex, I just CAN’T come right out and ask, I feel too needy, and I end up tongue tied, which, if you know me, seems like an impossibility.
With the pandemic raging this last year, I notice the sexual tension from so many people, and the discussions about group sex, orgies, or even expressing how much sex they’re going to have when this is over. and I GET IT. I’m probably hornier than most, but I don’t even masturbate next to my girl unless she’s ‘sleeping’ (I know she’s awake usually), I just don’t see myself as a sexual being or desirable because of previous experiences, despite both of my partners telling me the opposite.
Honestly I’d like to experiment, or flirt or experience that dirty filthy leather sex with so many fucking people that it’s almost painful, I never had a slut phase, and I wish I had.
I know I’m likely not the only man that feels this way, CiS or not. So I guess the whole point of this post Aside from trying to share a piece of myself is to tell you:
If any of this sounds Familiar – you are not alone, we might just be the silent majority, but I hope by shedding some light on my completely fucked brain you might feel a little less alone.
Regards,
Syn
Singles Awareness Day – Or Love is Where You Find It.
“Happy Singles Awareness Day”
I’ve seen this Plastered across social media, chat groups, and even from clients in the shop today. Honestly I used to be one of you once upon a time, and Frankly – it’s Cringe worthy, and passive agressive at best as a saying.
Valentines day actually has it’s origins rooted in the Pagan Festival of Lupercalia, A celebration of fertility. The change to a celebration of love was first noted in 1375 by Chaucer in his poem “Parliament of Foules”.
So, minor history lesson aside, I offer this view of valentines day:
If we are going to use this particular day to point out how “unfair” or depressing a day for celebrating love is, I ask you this – Is Romantic love the only love you are capable of? I love my Partners, my kid, their kids, my family – Logical and blood, and my animal companions for starters.
I Also choose to express that love as often as a I can, not just today. When I was in the Singles Awareness Camp I was angry, bitter, and had NO idea what love really was. I was always looking for the next best thing, never happy with what I had, or WHO I had in my life. I wasn’t even truly happy with myself – I was toxic, to myself, potential partners, and to the people I would eventually learn to love.
I Choose to believe Valentines day can give you freedom: Freedom to express love one day a year because EVERYONE is as well, you don’t have to be worried “the boys” will laugh at you, or that people will think you’re weak – it is the freedom to express affection in a world that often times looks down on that expression as weakness from the masses.
So for you “singles awareness” or “commercial gift giving” day folks I strongly suggest taking a look around you for Love that already exists in you life and celebrate that. If you can’t see it, then start with yourself, take yourself on a date, buy yourself those Reese’s hearts, Do SOMETHING to love yourself, it will make it easier for people to love you when you already love who you are.
Blessed and joyous Lupercalia, Happy Valentines Day, I hope that even if you’re single and aware you take some time to love the single constant in your life: you.
Love is where you find it after all.
Regards,
Syn
A Cuck, A Quean, and A Cake Walk Into a Bar…
Cuckqueaning is an interesting fetish to have. It’s also relatively obscure compared to Cuckolding, and that is frustrating to no end.
From a porn standpoint, real, or at least passable CQ porn is limited, and cuckold porn will inevitably creep into the results. Many moons ago I’d frequent motherless which had a better selection than the bigger sites, but in the interim I discovered that site had a lot of illegal content, and I stopped going there. Tumblr was a great source as well, but as we all know it has since been sterilized.
The Fetish itself is also difficult at best to find willing participants. The girl and I have all but stopped looking for a potential partner in that capacity. Whether that is a geographical, social or other reason, I am at a loss. A lack of interest in both of us, a lack of interest in me, or just a lack of interest in “consensual infidelity” on a whole maybe?
Now, the point of this post – why is it less prominent of a fetish? Why do we see cuckolding every time we turn around? Why is it we see such diverse representation in Cuckold scenarios? BBC, MMF, small penis humiliation, Gangbangs, the list goes on. Yet we see very little in the way of CQ content that is similar, usually it’s non-con Cheating or incest themed (the Incest portion largely being porn).
One final question – Cuckqueans and Cuckcakes, why ARE you into it? What is your motivation, why do you get off on it?
Regards,
Syn
In the Face of Blind Hate
For the first time in my life, I think I know what being on the receiving end of real blind hate is like.
Some background – All my life I’ve been a passionate LBGTQ+ ally. Since I was young I believed love is love, it doesn’t matter race, sexuality, religion, People should be free to express and experience love in the way that works for them. I’ve used my privilege to advocate, fight for rights and educate.
I’ve marched in every Pride event we’ve ever hosted, but this year was different. My girl was gone, off to a Women’s weekend in another province. Which didn’t stop me from attending our Pride festivities. However, an old problem from my time in the community reared its ugly head – I was bullied out of attending the rest of the weekend, because “my girl” wasn’t with me, and she is the one who lent me “cred” in the community. Truthfully it weighed on me and still does. I was told I wasn’t welcome at Pride as a Hetnormative CiS male, and never was, even 20 years prior when I bartended socials for the community and protected them from violence and threats, so I was informed if I attended the Pride bar night, I would get kicked out because they would tell a bouncer I was uttering threats.
Because of a need to educate and dispell myths, I joined a local group on the book of faces, a confessions group no less, anonymous people submit confessions about everything you can imagine. My reasons for doing so were to try and be a voice to advocate, educate and call out the multitude of phobias in our tiny city.
verything was going great, I was even asked to moderate the group as I was the only person who had knowledge of BDSM and LBGTQ+ folk on the team.
Until it wasn’t.
Apparently, something I said pissed off someone, and I was suddenly seeing Pictures of myself poorly doctored with MS paint and transphobic and homophobic captions everywhere. I laughed it off mostly and placated myself with the knowledge that if someone was taking the time to do this, I was heading in the right direction.
I thought nothing more of it for a couple of weeks until another moderator of the team sent me a link, this link leads to what is laughably called an “awareness website” – it calls out shady people doing shady things, cheaters, etc, etc. I didn’t even know of its existence until this moment.
Lo and behold, there was a picture of myself taken straight from my profile, and “biography” of all of my misdeeds (which were completely fabricated), stating I was spreading disease in our local gay community. For the record, other than some handshakes and hugs at our local pride events I have very little contact with the local lbgtq+ community here. They are very closed off outside of pride events, and rightfully so.
These websites exist in a pretty grey area, without a court order or DMCA violation they are there to stay – and since the first instance, I have had multiple other websites where the story is the same. I have since locked down my book of faces, left the group and changed my profile picture to something innocuous. In the interim of all this, the moderators have received numerous posts calling for physical violence against me, my family and anyone I associate with or call friend/family. None of these were posted to the group at large, However, I take them very seriously.
Now, I should point out that up to this point, I did not once mention my sexual orientation in these area’s, I just stated my opinion, educated where I could and moved on.
To most, I have always been a Het CiS male, and in a Het Passing relationship.
Since these instances, I have had anxiety bad enough I don’t sleep, my pulse stays elevated and I am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting to defend myself and mine. It has helped me realize something though on top of all of this.
I never really felt the need to “come out”, love is love, after all, I am still the same man I always was, just more so embracing more parts of myself. However, after a complete stab in the dark by a random troll, I got called out. So I started writing.
So, this is the story of how an act of hate pushed me to put words to something I wasn’t sure needed them.
What started as writing about blind hate, is now the story of how I further embraced a more complete view of myself- I am who I am, and that is that I owe no one an explanation.
I want people to be aware, Love should always win. Inside the community, or out, especially with so much blind hate already focused on us.
I am who I am.
I am not hiding.
I will still fight.
In Leather,
Jason.
There it is, The Fuckening
So lately I’ve been in a pretty good headspace all around.
For the first time that I can remember I’m at peace with my body image (more often than not), I feel pretty good about where I’m at, and some absolutely amazing humans have really given me a confidence boost in that arena.
I’ve got an amazing nesting partner who loves, encourages, and supports me in everything I do, want to do or try to accomplish.
I have amazing Friends and Family who I love and are there for me.
However, the one thing I am still struggling with is certain areas of assertiveness. Now, don’t get me wrong, in some things I am more capable – My authority transfer for example.
So the real question is why do I still struggle with taking up emotional real estate, or expressing needs, wants and desires to people? I still choose neutral language to express feelings or use self-deprecating humor to deflect.
I pass up opportunities for connection; physical, romantic, platonic simply because I don’t want to “put people out”. Or it’s my anxiety and depression telling me that humans couldn’t possibly share the same thoughts I have about them, about me. Because of this, I know I miss a lot of connections or sabotage them before they start, and this is a problem.
This could be drop talking, but I really don’t think so – I have a lot of work to do in this arena and no idea where to start.
Just a few thoughts.
Jason.
Wicked Family and Gratitude. AKA Wicked 4.
One of our favorite Conferences of the year is always Wicked in the West, We (and most attendees) consider it a big ass family reunion, and this year was no different.
The Theme for this Wicked was gratitude, and honestly I don’t think any one word could have summed up my feelings about the weekend any better.
This weekend I suffered and bled for the things I am grateful for in the blood ritual, I have never done that before. I have so much to be grateful for. Over the 3 years we’ve come to Wicked and shared space with logical family, I have gained so much insight into authenticity, honor, love and self acceptance that it seemed the perfect way to leave a bit of my energy and gratitude with the people in attendance, and to leave a bit of myself close to logical family. Thank you Thista, TattooGoddess and CatMaverick for creating the space and facilitating the Bloodletting that allowed us to do this.
I had scenes with some amazing humans, from Rough body play, to abrasions, to just messing around with someone’s pointy necklace and hook pull marks. Thank you for exchanging your energy with me and feeding my inner sadist. I am grateful for all of you. I am also grateful I posted in the Wicked pick up play thread, That was a big thing for me, and resulted in some connections and energy exchange I hadn’t thought I’d experience, Next time there WILL be Reeses for aftercare. For those of you I ran out of spoons to get back to, I do sincerely apologize – but as I said to some of you – I will take a rain check till the next time we are together, and to one lovely human – I said it once, but I will repeat: “Just the pleasure of your company is enough, but I look forward to our rain check, A LOT”.
One of my favorite parts of Cons are the after hours gatherings, I made some connections I hadn’t counted on, had some conversations I won’t forget, and I was able to connect more with some humans I absolutely adore, but haven’t had the opportunity to either meet, or get substantial time with. Being served a scotch, to conversations and plans around manhandling scenes with a few lovely humans, to watching connections made and laughs shared. I am grateful for the time spent with each and every one of you.
I Danced with hooks. For the second time, I experienced a hook pull. This time I set intent. I pulled against, moved with and shared energy and space with amazing people. I pulled harder than the first time, and I worked through my own version of an endorphin rush. I bled and laughed and pulled against and with my girl. I tried to let go of some things I’ve been struggling with for a long time, and didn’t quite get there. I am grateful though, for the opportunity to try again, those old ghosts in my brain are quieter somehow, and yet louder. Thank you Thista for throwing my hooks, and thank you TattooGoddess for letting my clench my asshole in your general direction ;).
I spent time with my girl, who, as always makes me so proud to have her by my side. We laughed, we learned, and we suffered together. I am grateful for every moment we have cultivating new friendships, weird kinky shit we do together, and finding that connection over and over again. I bled for family, I bled for myself, but Always with the other reasons was her. I would do more than -just- bleed for her, but it is a small way to show my commitment and love for such an amazing woman, who walks my journey with me.
Last but Certainly not least.
Nelson and imp; Over the few short years since a certain fiery little redhead came bounding down the halls of the hotel and full force hugged me, I’ve had the privilege of growing to call you family. My Dear Brother and Sister, Thank you both for your wisdom, your humor, your open and giving hearts, and the Space you provide for family to gather every year. We learn, we laugh, we break bread and we share drink. I am so grateful for your love (even when I have a hard time loving myself), I am grateful for talks well into the wee hours of the morning, and metaphysical beard pulling. What you’ve created is an amazing environment for the Wicked family, and place to make memories together. For that I am eternally grateful. It is one of the first places I felt fully comfortable being who I am.
That was some of Wicked in the West for me this year, There are SO MANY other memories and people I wish I could reference, however a TLDR; would be needed, and that would cheapen the experiences. To every one of you that attended, competed, and added to the experience. Thank you, I am grateful for all of you too.
Regards,
Jason/Syn
My Journey of Body Acceptance.
I’ve been trying to put words to this for a long time, at least a year, and honestly I’ve started and stopped more than any other writing I’ve ever done. I’ve been treading a line between trying to get my point across and not sounding whiney or judgemental, and because this topic is something you don’t hear about a lot, it’s been difficult, so I ask you to read on with an open mind.
There are a lot of things I was never taught about being a man as I grew up and matured. As a child I was raised by parents who were older than most, both chronologically, and mentally. My parents are Legit straight out of a 1950’s sitcom, innocent, judgemental and very strict. They use passive aggressive language and are constantly worried about “what others will think of us”. I was never close with my father. Even now as I am nearing my 40’s he still has no idea how to talk to me, and I am constantly compared to other men my age he associates with.
Which leads me to a recurring issue in my life – Body positivity.
Ever since I hit puberty I’ve been a big guy, I stopped growing at 5’9 and in high school I was a chubby 200lbs, where I stayed well into my mid 20’s. I didn’t do many sports other than martial arts, which was solely because I needed to stop getting beaten up. I was constantly compared to athletes and rich/popular kids, with the question: “don’t you want to be more like ‘so-and-so’?”. I grew up with undeveloped social skills and Poor nutrition, not from lack of money, but from food being used as “love”.
As I got older I started going to the gym after a health scare and managed to drop from 270 lbs to about 180, and then I contracted Bell’s Palsy and fell back into depression, and comfort food.
About this time, my girl and I made the choice to open our relationship up, So I did what I always do when something new happens in my life, I asked the advice of people I trusted who had knowledge of Poly and open relationships.
I talked to about 6 couples, people I trusted, and people I considered friends, and except for 1 pair, basically the advice I was given was “Well, the first thing and most important thing you need to do is lose some weight or no one will want you, if that’s not something you want to do, just be happy you have one person in your life that wants to touch your penis.”
Now, I have always struggled with Body image and self confidence because of my weight since the first time I asked out a girl and she laughed in my face and slapped me in front of half my graduating class. To say I was Crushed would be an understatement.
I’ve always Looked at my naked body with scorn and distaste, I fell into the trap of needing to look like a hollywood beefcake in order to attract partners, However I will say that I do understand some partners find my body type attractive, I love my girl, and she finds me sexy, and all of the other adjectives associated with it. At the time of our first date, I had no idea this would be the case though.
I digress.
Over the years I have been “trained” to expect rejection based on a multitude of things, from my body hair, to my weight, to my hobbies and interests. Because of this I always thought if I could just find that one insatiable slut (slut being used as a positive) that would just be forward enough with me I would end up becoming a completely different person. Self assured, confident, All of the things I perceive as problems would just change.
Let me tell you I was wrong.
When we opened our relationship, on top of the previously mentioned “advice”, I also read voraciously, and I think most would agree, in poly/open/swinging relationships a man definitely has a much harder time finding perspective partners, much more so in my case, as I had never successfully asked anyone out. Let me tell you, I got scared, Really scared, I thought I would lose my girl, who I love as much as I love breathing. My body image issues were what I pinned all my insecurities on, I again thought – if I could just get a 6 pack, or bigger biceps it would some how mask my lack of self confidence, or make up for (what I perceived as) sexual shortcomings.
I got Mad.
Anyone that tells you rage and spite aren’t great motivators hasn’t met me. I made a choice to get back in the gym, I caved and grew out my beard, and started working towards my “Perfect Physique”.
The rage and spite came from my own brain, and imagined perceptions, I thought my girl would find someone younger, more physically fit, bigger cock, better dressed, and I needed to worry about a female presenting partner providing things I had no chance of. On top of that I knew my social anxiety and body image issues would prevent me from approaching Attractive humans from a potential partner standpoint, so if I caught someones eye physically I hoped they would approach me, and I could not have to worry about initiating contact.
DO NOT DO THIS.
There are two Quotes that hold some value here before I continue that I would like to share:
“Always be happy, never be satisfied” – A vanilla friend
“Discipline always trumps motivation. Motivation is about emotion and too many times, we rely on emotion to raise our performance. Unfortunately, this can quickly wear you down and if you aren’t motivated, lead to lackluster or missed training sessions. Discipline doesn’t care how you feel, what the weather is or if you’ve had a bad day. Discipline will carry the strong. Discipline will drive success. Discipline doesn’t need a “hype” video or loud music.” – Jim Wendler.
Both of these Quotes are in the context of powerlifting/training, however I find a lot of that advice is relevant to much more.
If I wanted real, lasting change, I needed to be happy with my body – but not satisfied, because of that I needed long term discipline to effect real change. My motivation was exactly what I have detailed in the monolith that is this writing, but in order to be disciplined I needed a real tangible goal, (and honestly a less destructive and shallow one).
So that is where I am currently, I am learning to be happy with my body, and work on my long term aesthetic goals – I have managed to narrow it down. A six pack for me isn’t a realistic goal, I like burgers and scotch too much, I am not a nice person when I buckle down to eat/live like I would have to to achieve that. Instead My goal is to get a “Muscle Bear” look, and be physically strong enough to manhandle anyone I want. I’ve also started to try and stop placing my self worth on my physical and sexual appeal.
Now that you have read this, I offer some insight and advice. Men/male identifying humans are just as subject to body image issues as anyone else, but no one talks about it, it’s a form of weakness. We fall into the “social media” traps of perfection, and for some of us, it shakes us to the very core with no one to talk to or articulate our feelings to. There are many groups, websites and places to see this in action. We hurt, we have broken confidence because of it, and sometimes we need help building ourselves up.
Male Humans: Be who you are, be happy with how you look, and if you’re not – don’t change for the wrong reasons like I started, change because you WANT TO, if you try to change for others, you’re doomed to failure, and being trapped in an unhealthy spiral of pleasing people who do not know what a fucking rockstar you are. Do things that make you feel confident, don’t mistake others validation for confidence, it’s not, and not healthy.
Somewhere along the way I realized the things my girl said to me were my truth, not the lies my brain created trying to chase approval. All it takes is one person to see the things you don’t, and more often than not, you should listen to them, the positives they see are generally the truth.
Regards,
Syn
Sexual Shame, Kink, and Starting Points.
I was a Virgin until I was 19.
Up to that point I didn’t even really know about masterbation, and the one time I tried I got caught by my mother which ended in a screaming fit from her about being “dirty” or somesuch, I don’t really remember.
My first real time having sex was unremarkable and unmemorable, and to be honest while I remember her(we dated for 2 or 3 years), and flashes of having sex, the first time in particular I don’t.
My third partner however, I won’t ever forget her, She was also my first blowjob sometime around the age of 22. The reason(s) I won’t ever forget her start with trauma and end with it too. The first time I came from oral sex I was unprepared, I didn’t know what to expect, and truthfully I didn’t warn her, because I didn’t know that was a thing. When I came, she immediately popped up and promptly spit my own cum back in my face, and proceeded to yell at me while rinsing with mouthwash, and, as she put it “get the filthy shit out”of her mouth.
That relationship was my “sexual awakening” I spent 5 years with her, and I was domestically abused, raped, and cheated on. Not to mention forced to sleep on my own couch without sex for close to 2 years before I finally managed to convince my family to come get me and bring me 4 hours to my home city.
During those 5 years, I was on my computer a lot when not working, and found Kink through websites like Wasteland, ICQ and Old message boards that have been long closed. The first time she ever caught me watching porn (kinky porn no less) she told each and every one of my friends I was a disgusting pervert who wanted to abuse her but lacked the balls so I had to jack off to disgusting porn instead of fucking her like a real man.
Once I got home, my pattern of picking sexually repressed and abusive partners continued, One couldn’t come from intercourse so used toys, and basically used me to facilitate a threesome between her and our female friend, where I was promptly completely ignored. I had one other partner during that time, and my rape at her hands resulted in the birth of my son, I was used as a sperm donor and shortly after we found out we were pregnant she went back to her Ex-bf who was unable to conceive.
I’m sharing all of this for a reason. It’s not pity, and it’s not for hope of some sort of epiphany – it’s to illustrate that once I was in a healthy, openly communicative and supportive relationship the shame took over, and still influences my life to a degree. I didn’t know how to talk to women (still don’t lol), and I damn sure didn’t know how to talk about the things I wanted to experience.
Sexual shame is a learned behavior, and not something men talk about a lot, nor the root causes. We tie far to much self worth into sexual performance, penis size and forget to just seek out experiences.
We enter this world for a multitude of reasons, Community, Sex, S&M, education, exploration, the list goes on. We always say solid communication and sharing is the key to making a kinky/authority transfer relationship work, but I say why stop there? Why can’t we have those tough conversations with other men and male identifying people? Why can’t we share those snippets of ourselves for information purposes?
In the end we need to start having these conversations so we can start living a sex positive existence, but doing so in a healthy, respectful and informative manner – We might just end up creating a space where BDSM, and alternative sexual expression is celebrated, rather than shunned.
Regards,
Syn
For the Alliance – MMO’s and Kink Compersion.
Ever since I was young I’ve played video games, both competitively and recreationally. It’s just part of my life, who I am, and no small part of my self care.
One of the biggest online games I ever played was World of Warcraft (WoW), it’s a fantastic world with no shortage of things to do, from questing/leveling to Player versus Player, an in game economy, and the really big draw: Raiding.
Now when I started playing, I was coming over from a Player Vs. Player Driven MMO I was incredibly serious about – I was also very good at it. I tackled WoW with the same optimization fervor that I had in my previous game. I spent a whole day researching what Race to pick based on the Class I wanted to play to get the best synergy I could.
I started playing and leveling with a friend, and quickly realized the closer I got to the raiding and “end game” that I was woefully ignorant of mechanics, Gear and other things that set the “serious” players apart from the casuals. So I sought to inform myself, I read a lot, I did a lot of trial and error, and I sought out guilds (groups of players with a common purpose) with a heavy focus on raids and raiding. This is where I found my First guild: Advent Children. I met some of the oldest and longest Friends I ever had there – From Kithus the surly fucker from Boston, to Lecithin the (then) 14 year old girl who was one of the top players in the guild. These people and Samma (my mentor) basically elevated my knowledge, game play and became some of my closest friends. Over the years some left, some came back, and we found new people that shared similar goals.
This might seem an Odd thing to write about in a BDSM context, however, I have to admit as a I progressed in my years as a newbie, to a veteran raid leader, to part of a top 50 world progression guild. I learned a few life lessons too.
The Great part about MMO’s as well as communities is that you have so many people inhabiting the same spaces, however for different reasons. There’s PvP’ers, Raiders, achievement whores, Auctionhouse superstars, The list continues. As a raider I sort of stood apart from the rest of the community, My entire existence online was focused around my Role as a raid leader. Farming materials for raids, reading fight strategies and watching video’s, and showing up for 5 hour raid nights 5 times a week. Because of this I had very little in common with many casual players or other inhabitants of the game world. I rapidly out grew people I started playing with, along with members of other guilds on our server.
The Same can be said for the kink community. I want to explore, I want to do next level shit with others who want to do next level shit. Because of this, there are people I (or we) outgrow, or never connect with. This too, is OK. Social circles change, we progress around a different path, or simply take a different direction from those we were once close with.
Another thing I learned in my time in WoW, is that people will hate your successes, not everyone mind you, but enough. Let them hate – we used to have a saying “Are you paying for my subscription? No? well when you are, you can tell me how to play”. Over the years I was accused of everything from cheating, to running illegal programs, to bribing people to “carry me along” with real world money…. For the most part, your haters know fuckall about you beyond the story they’ve made up in their heads about you. Do you, the people who want to do epic shit with you WILL find you or vice-versa. The ones who choose to pick at you from the shadows or whisper in ears are generally just unhappy, jealous or just plain incapable of compersion of any sort.
In the end We, as members of this bdsm collective, are all here to participate in the amusement park of activities available to all of us. We all share common problems, issues, and interests. However, we don’t all get to be porn-stars, hardcore BDSM “legends”, or Fetlebrities, what we do get to be is anything we desire, why not gravitate towards people who will help you along that path, or at the very least let others who are doing what they want the fuck alone as long as the behavior isn’t damaging.
Politics, Influence peddling, and snide remarks aren’t going to enrich the culture we inhabit, Compersion and focusing on your own growth and journey will. You just might get lucky enough to find a guild, tribe,family that shares your passion for improvement.
Regards,
Syn
Authority Transfer and Personal Style.
Over the years I have had a fair few people comment on how Dot and I don’t seem to be in an authority transfer…. I’ve heard various forms of horse shit: everything from she tops from the bottom, to We “play” at being power exchange.
Let me be perfectly clear: I don’t give a fuck what you think about our authority transfer, it functions well for us, AND we’ve managed almost 11 years together so we must be doing something right. However, it does give me an opportunity to explain somethings about myself as a Master.
Most importantly I am a Macro-manager, not a micromanager. What that means is if I give you a task, as long as you aren’t going against my morals or beliefs to get it done, I don’t care HOW you do it, I just want it done. For example, I don’t know a damn thing about women’s fashion, what I do know is that for certain events Jeans, Ugg’s and a scarf won’t cut it, So by all means, dress yourself for the occasion, ask my opinion on an outfit but don’t lay out your whole wardrobe for me to choose from. If I have something specific I want you to wear, I will tell you.
Similarly, if I want coffee, just bring me a coffee, I personally don’t need elaborate coffee service or you to kneel while presenting it, the faster I get my caffeine the safer it is for all involved.
I don’t believe in obvious or grand gestures of Dominance or submission. In our day to day the girl and I look like any other couple out in the muggle world. our rituals and protocols are damn near invisible. For example, when we are out for food or another public venue, the girl is free to go to the bathroom or leave my line of sight as long as she asks, but in order to get up from the table for the final time, I stand first and offer my hand, then she knows it is acceptable for her to get up and prepare to leave. To the average person I just look like I am being chivalrous, We have had a few older couple comment how rare it is to see such a “gentlemanly offer”. It is a near imperceptible display of control, but it speaks volumes about who is in charge. In addition, the girl will wait for permission or a subtle nod from me before eating, even if I am off in the bathroom when the food arrives.
The other part people seem to take issue with, is that I don’t involve myself in her outside relationships. My girl and I are both Poly, and Open. Because of this, she and I are free to explore outside relationships with the understanding that if OUR dynamic and stability are threatened we will have a conversation. Other than this, I don’t control who or how she has a relationship with. That’s just selfish and toxic. What sort of precedent would I be setting if any time she went to have sex with another partner I required her to call me to ask to orgasm? Or what to eat with them, or how to spend money on a date?
Lastly, many people seem to be under the mistaken impression that since I deliberately do not control certain things in my Authority transfer I am somehow less dominant over the girl. As a few examples – SHE controls the money for the house, I am bullshit with money and she’s waaaay smarter in that regard than I am. I like owning my own home, I would like this to continue, so the girl sets the budget, controls the bills and how we pay them, and I get a bit of a “allowance” at my own request. I let her Dictate also what she is capable of for play -she can tell me “not today please, Sir” and surprise – I listen. Dot is going through some changes and mild health concerns and can’t always handle what I am able to dish out, so SHE is in charge of telling me how she feels, what she can handle, and whether we are a go for play or not. Why? because I don’t want to break my toys in case I misread how she is feeling that day.
Now, I am by no means saying this is a how to, or even that people who follow more ritual driven protocols are in the wrong. Quite the contrary, I think that too many people focus on “popular” methods of authority transfer, and most think anything other than their style is somehow inherently wrong. I’m here to tell you that after many years of experimentation, and no small amount of fuck ups, that whatever works to reinforce your Dominance, submission and personal style is perfectly OK and acceptable as long as it’s consensual.
Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.
Regards,
Syn
lucidsyn 