Dear Brain – Please Shut The Fuck Up.

I have to admit sometimes it’s difficult for me to reconcile my reality with what my brain is telling me.

My little fae and I have settled into  a bit of a routine, Life has been busy lately. Little time to play, but our TPE is still strong.

I love all the time we’ve been getting together, but I do miss playing – I was/am more comfortable with my sadistic side, however in becoming so, I find I miss our sessions…. They seem to only happen when we travel to the other city for events, and even then Co-topping is what usually occurs.

Here is where the disconnect happens.

I’m at a loss for how to make things happen more organically – between work, kids visiting more than periodically, the need for sleep for both of us on off(ish) hours than the other, and the fact that I prefer play to be unplanned, leads to a difficult time making it happen.

Couple all of that, with the issues I’ve had accepting my Sadism in the past and my logical brain is wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

I don’t know why these words fell out of my head, or what if anything the solution is, however here it is.

I plan to write more, as work now allows for it, but just a quick entry to let you know I’m still alive and moving somewhat.

 

Regards,

 

Syn.

Body Image and Body Positivity For Men.

I really should be working on my presentation for MAsT coming up, but I find I can’t. Not yet anyway.

I’ve been having a rough week self-esteem wise.

No longer working (Got fired from a rather Homo/Transphobic place I spoke up about [they, of course, found a reason to fire me]). Not really having much of a support system/friend base here at home, and my manageable but still present depression, has created a fairly impressive “low” for me.

Something I have been mulling over recently, and for quite some time, is not really a double standard, but perhaps more of something that slips by marginally unnoticed for a few reasons. I hope to shed some light on it, as well as perhaps put my own mind at rest, or even just catharsis through putting it all on “paper”.

Male body image issues.

All the time you see Female body image empowerment. This is a fantastic thing! people should be comfortable with who they are and celebrated. I do have a caveat for this for both men and women, though – As long as you are healthy! Not to say we need to look like the preconceived images of modern day Adonis or Aphrodite, far from it, but one should not be a walking time bomb of health issues either.

From BBW dance nights(which I enjoy going to immensely btw), to support groups, meme’s, and all manner of other empowering supports. They’re everywhere, which as I said is fantastic!

Women are constantly held to a perceived standard by media:  Kim Kardashian, Ruby Rose, Scarlett Johansson, and Megan Fox, the list goes on.

Men are also held to a similar standard: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Brad Pitt, Ryan Reynolds, Brad Gosling and Connor McGregor.

All of these men hold a few things in common besides their star power – Ridiculously sculpted physiques. Time and time again people try to sell you on the idea of fat loss, thermogenic’s (fuck these things btw), the next big bad workout routine, 6 pack abs in 12 steps! What people don’t realize is two things they can’t dictate are a genetic predisposition. Not everyone can get down to 8% body fat and hold it (yes single digit body fat is where visible abs happen). Then there is dedication – don’t get me wrong, more and more people will spend tons of time in the gym, eating properly and all the other things you need to do. However, guys like The Rock spend HOURS in the gym, same with these other stars , when preparing for a role they spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on diet, trainers, and pure time spent. The average guy just can’t, or if they do they’ll sacrifice other areas of their life to achieve, and it can be detrimental to living a balanced life.

Always be happy, Never be satisfied.

My body type is  one that will never be at single digit body fat, I am a mesomorph but I did take a period of time to spend 5 days a week in the gym, my goal wasn’t fat loss, though, I wanted to get as strong as possible. As I once told a friend, I don’t do a lot of cardio, I’d rather kill the bear than run from it.

During my time at the gym, I overheard things leveled right at me by people who assumed my music was on. I won’t go into it, but let me just say, they were some very negative comments about my physique. Body shaming doesn’t just happen to women, I have had it directed at me as well.

Even as recent as two weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend (via video) and someone passing by in the background exclaimed “Put your fucking shirt on! We don’t want to see that!”. Keep in mind I am a big guy, and hairy as a grizzly. These two things have always been an object of ridicule until I met my little fae, she for some reason loves both my size and my Furriness. However, thanks to my previous experiences I am VERY self-conscious about these things, if you’ve ever seen me shirtless, then I trust you, more than most.

The other body image issue men are constantly bombarded with is something that bothers the shit out of me, as well as something that was brought closer to the surface thanks to of all things a radio add I heard not long ago.

One of the most vicious insults you often heard hurled at a man is penis size (this is not including the Fetish of small penis humiliation). “limp dick”, “small”, “is it in yet?”.

You’ve likely heard these things leveled at someone at some point, and really if you’re looking to truly insult a guy, the penis, and inherent masculinity is closely tied together.

Even on sex-positive sites like fetlife I see lines like “I’ma size queen so if you’re not hung don’t bother”, and other similar “size queen/king” statements.  How many guys have actually measured the size of their penis ? More than you think.

The other day we were driving to a neighboring city and I actually heard a radio ad for something promising to increase length and girth all the while a smug female voice promising that it would drive women crazy, WHILE implying the bulk(no pun intended) of men were inadequate. Fuck those people, fuck them with our average sized dicks in the ear.

Now, I’ve never considered myself anything but average, honestly, I DID measure myself when I was younger, and always considered myself small when you compare to the 8 to 10-inch monster cocks you see in porn. No one ever talks about an average dick, dildo’s and vibes are 7 to 8 inches long. and what you see on fetlife are guys who post penis pics – apparently the new rage is holding your dick next to a can of coke, or hairspray to prove its fucking huge. Personally, if I rely on my dick for self-worth, I’d never have sex again – I can’t compete with Hernando the monster cock, or the guy who’s as thick around as a bottle of water. (I have seen this, and really genetics ? what the actual fuck?) But I am sure those who enjoy that are especially happy. I’d just prefer to see more love for guys who are average.

All in all male self-image is a huge concern, but that brings me to my last point.

None of this is ever fucking mentioned because it flies under the radar. Men are not to show weakness, WE DO NOT talk about our problems because it shows weakness, it’s just another thing that is “unmanly”. I say fuck that, by nature, we are simply making the problem worse, men who show weakness are to be further ridiculed. “we don’t talk about our feelings”, “we don’t show that anything bothers us”, and my favorite “be a man about it”.

All of these things are used to shame us into silence, and largely those of us with issues are SCARED to get the help we need.

In the end, we NEED more male body acceptance, for ALL body types. We need to realize that male self-image is a bigger problem than people believe, and we need to start appreciating men for who they are, not based on an unrealistic interpretation of masculinity perpetuated by Hollywood, and big media.

Men, Women, Humans in general are ALL beautiful, and we deserve to be told so.

Power Exchange, BDSM and Mental Illness: How We Cope.

There are certain things that I think about, quite a bit. Especially in terms of Power exchange, Chief among those is self care and mental well-being of my slave and any other s-type I am currently involved with or protecting.

Sure physicality is a big part of everything, and it’s fun, cathartic, leaves some pretty spectacular reminders for a while, and is the primary focus of many a BDSM relationship.

But.

That’s not where Power exchange REALLY shines.

As a Master there are other things that create and encompass the power exchange. Recently my slave has been in one of her “lows” it becomes difficult for her to summon the will to function within a normal headspace. Things like dragging ass at work, reluctance to get out of bed, low self image, and a constant need for reassurance that I do infact love her and she is worthy of it. There is more but I think you get the gist.

There are however things you can do.

So in a normal non power exchange relationship as well as a power exchange the most important thing you can do is identify what you’re dealing with, as my slave is rather private about her struggles I will leave her illness as hers to tell – however if you put 2 and 2 together from here, as well as entries on her blog you get a fairly clear picture.

So after diagnosis (professional help is important here), In addition to therapy and medication (if applicable), what can we as Masters/Dominants do ?

Largely the onus is on the slave to follow through with Masters orders – For me, the primary is for my slave to take care of my possessions to the best of her ability, and most cherished of those is she, herself. So the slave should learn what she can about her illness, coping strategies, properly adhering to medication schedules, and other forms of self care during issues. Even the slave recognizing the onset of a low, or other issues can go a long way in offsetting potential damage.

So what do I do when my slave hits a low ?

Well, I will admit I am not as rigid in the power exchange as I would be when she is at 100% – this is not to say the power exchange disappears, however I may do a bit extra to reassure her that everything is OK, and that I still love and value her and her service. Ensuring to remind her to eat, shower (the power of hot water is not to be underestimated), basics that might otherwise go neglected.

That said, I have been known to call her out on behavior that leans towards her lows, and knowing her well enough to push the issue when I have to. Structure is important to people with mental health issues, and not straying too far from routine can go a long way in dealing with/shortening episodes.

Now I should add that these particular coping methods are how I and my slave deal with mental illness in OUR dynamic.

That said something you should keep in mind is that dealing with mental illness can be incredibly stressful for the Master as well, and after an episode passes, I highly advise doing something FOR YOURSELF to depressurize, refocus and recharge, so that the power exchange can continue with as little disruption as possible. It can be just as draining for the Master as it can be for the slave, and as I mentioned, staying as close to routine or normal as you possibly can is in my opinion the best thing you can do for both parties.

In the end making sure that the Master keeps the slave accountable for their actions, because mental illness is not excuse for a lapse in deference or service – there should be consequences to actions no matter the circumstances. Educate yourself on the illness in question – BOTH of you. It is an excellent opportunity for essays,  formulating coping mechanisms, and strategy. Read blogs of people who have the same illness, medical journals, documentaries, learn voraciously, because knowledge is power.

In the end both parties need to work at maintenance, and do so together, which, is the key to success in any sort of authority exchange (if not vanilla) relationship.

***These are my thoughts and my experiences alone, your results, methods and experiences will likely be different but I do hope at the very least I may have given some insight and perhaps a starting point for other dynamics who find themselves in the same boat that we are in.***

 

Regards,

 

Syn.

Consideration: Like Test Driving for Power Exchange.

I recently decided to bring back an old tradition very few seem to practice anymore, and I’m not sure why more don’t.

Consideration.

In a power exchange relationship or at least the more traditional D/s or M/s dynamics there used to be a period of consideration which may or may not include a collaring. For myself it did not include a collar – for me a collar is a VERY special recognition of my belief that you will fit well into the lives of not only Myself, but my slave as well.

So what IS consideration?

To me (and from much that I have read) it is a period where an S-type requests to be considered for a permanent position (and collar) with a dominant. Now I would think that a slave or submissive would also want to check out the dominant. Think of this consideration phase like a test drive or (if you’re old enough) going steady. The submissive would be given rules to adhere to ([different or less than] the rules she would have as a fully collared S-type within the Master’s house). It allows the Master to evaluate the submissive – and see if the fit would work within his house, as well as setting up a rough plan for how to improve upon, and integrate her skills to fit his needs.

In the reverse, it is also a chance for the S-type to check out how the Master does things, and see if he would be a good fit for her goals as well. After all – a babygirl would have one hell of a time with a disciplinarian focused dominant and would not flourish, which if they’re both astute, they should realize quickly. It is also a chance for the submissive to prove to the Master she could also settle into a pecking order with other S-types and blend into service with them with as little disruption as possible.

For these reasons alone I think it is more than worth waiting to collar an S-type. How many times in vanilla life (or other kinky dating) did you get through  a month or two of dating and realize you were completely incompatible ? Probably made it difficult (or at least awkward) to break it off I’d assume?

If both parties go in KNOWING that this is the equivalent of a test drive, then there should be less hard feelings should one party decide the arrangement won’t be for them.

Now the consideration phase should still include things like first meetings, safe calls, and negotiation without any power imbalance. Setting guidelines amicable to both is paramount so that the consideration phase can have as high as possible of a chance of succeeding.

Most will also Adhere to this being a time when the S-type is essentially “off-limits” to other Dominants, as they are considering moving into a heavier commitment with the Dominant who is considering them. Some also impose a set period of time for the consideration phase, with renegotiation able to happen at the end of that period. Renegotiation could either be another consideration phase, or moving into a training collar.

To some this may seem antiquated or like “too much work” – however to me, and at this point in my life I have decided that it is neither. I have my slave, and I love her dearly, she proved, bled and earned her collar through service, hard work and PROVING she wished to give her all to me. Why should I accept less from a potential partner ? For one who truly wishes to join her and I on a journey, we will give her our all, so she should be prepared to pass the consideration period, and give as much as we will give in return.

Too many times I see “velcro” collars.

Oh you’re owned by so-and-so?

oh, that was last week ?

So you’re now owned by So-and-so?

Oh, that was yesterday ?

Today you’re owned by someone else?

This does not show me a true desire to submit, Defer and need anything but a fashion accessory around your neck for an ill percieved “status” symbol.

So why would I waste my time? I certainly wouldn’t waste yours.

 

In Leather,

 

Syn.

The Perfect Storm (Or: But wait! There’s MORE!)

You know that Movie from 2000 The Perfect Storm ? No? you should go watch it, seriously, because I’m about to use a part of the ending from it as a comparison, and I don’t want to be THAT dick that spoils a really good movie for you.

*********

So at the end of the movie there’s a Scene where a MASSIVE wave has overturned the Andrea Gail and George Clooney’s character is in the wheelhouse and pushes Mark Walberg’s Character out and to give him a chance to survive, while retreating into the darkness ?

I can kind of empathize with Clooney at this point.

Now I’m not intentionally trying to be melodramatic, but today has been one of those days where the water just kept rushing in, and more and more keeps piling up.

So what’s going on you may ask ?

First off, dot and I are fine, dealing with everything but realistically our relationship is as strong, if not stronger than it’s ever been .

On another relationship front, things aren’t so good. Today dot and bubs ended their relationship. Now I have known for some time that dot was feeling used, and unnoticed by bubs, and I tried to tell bubs as such without overstepping into a territory that would force them into a relationship. However, there was no follow through on certain things from bubs, and dot, being very logical and of no time for that sort of thing ended up pulling away to the point where she ended things earlier today.

Which leads into me.

I am now at a junction, bubs and I haven’t been doing well from a TPE standpoint at all – and I have discussed the things she needs to work on, however these things have come to a head and it compounds with her BPD escalating, her thinking the thought that she is now going to lose me, because the triad we had searched for never really stabilized.

My issue is this – Recently I have felt as though the last 3 months have just gone in one ear and out the other with bubs, simple concepts I would expect someone under consideration to grasp and execute are just NOT THERE. Or my word is taken as a suggestion not an order, even after punishment and re-evaluation,  the same mistakes are continuing to be made. SO now I have some thinking to do.

But wait! There’s MORE!

I am also watching two families implode, my leather family is having their own struggles with BPD, their other partner and things in general.  I feel rather helpless thinking I should be doing more to help, but also knowing I can’t until things settle with them all. Not to mention their partner who is basically my sister is training her three girls and dealing with their recent issues and fuck-ups still haunting them, and dealing with that.

But wait! There’s MORE!

Work is having an issue with a young man who works for us who doesn’t know better than to discuss with clients how fucking wasted he got last night, etc, and even after telling our manager repeatedly, she refuses to take action to discipline or fire (which is the only real choice). This drives me fucking crazy. I’ve talked to the kid, but being unable to discipline him, it goes in one ear and out the other. At work, sadly I am a dog without teeth, nothing more than my words. And no matter how I approach it, I’m stuck bailing out water with my regulars because of this irresponsible jackass child and the weak person in the authoritative position to correct it.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of tonight we may be hosting someone from the community as a “couch-guest” for a while – They fucked up with the lease on their apartment, and as such will be homeless in less than 48 hours.  Now bear in mind, we currently ALSO have dot’s oldest and her partner staying with us until they find a place. So a 2 bedroom home could possibly now have 5 people (and 4 cats) living in it for a while.

But wait! There’s MORE!

As of 4PM this afternoon (as I found out from my father in the last 20 minutes of work), My mother was admitted to the hospital because of her recent injury.  She has found herself unable to move or walk very well from a pinched nerve in her lower back – My mother is 73 and also recently tore all the ligaments in her leg due to a blackout/fall some months ago. She is currently settled in the hospital and on an IV rehydrating from lack of water, and also being treated for a lack of nutrition – due to not being able to sit and cook and the like. My father didn’t know this because mom never said a word to him or I. She was more worried about being a burden to people than being healthy, which is out and out destructive pride.

But wait! There’s MORE! (sort of)

There are some other things going on of note that has contributed to the day, however I will discuss those at a later time, because they deserve more attention and examination than a paragraph in an already comprehensive entry.

I’m feeling rather overwhelmed today (and really for the last few days and weeks), but writing was high on my list of priorities to get this out of my head….

I’m not sure of solutions or much of anything at this point, I just needed to put it in words so I can dump some of the stress, refocus and re-arm.

Regards,

 

Syn.

Today is a day, Tomorrow is a New One.

This has been one of those weeks I wish would just end already. I just kinda need the spew out what I’ve been dealing with on a personal level because really I don’t have much of a support system locally (with the Leather  family being 2 hours away and dealing with their own cluster fuck at the moment – I’m also worried about them and wishing I could help).

So lets start with the (semi) easy stuff.

Recently My other partner was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline personality disorder), in and of itself it answered many questions for me about her behavior – Struggling was a word I’d use lightly, however now that I know I can tailor my approach to TPE differently than I have been – No less strict, but perhaps attempt a different Tack when things go tits up. Learning to deal and accept/adjust my whole way of thinking to accommodate this has been…. Stressful.

Couple that with a night My little fae had where she hit a pretty hard low, I came home from work and she was VERY quiet – so I knew something was wrong immediately – So I patiently waited for her to talk to me. she instead pointed me towards a journal entry she will likely never post. I won’t go into detail as some of the content it beyond personal, but let me just say – it broke my heart to read that she was having these thoughts – I understand a lot of them, because I have quite a few of them as well, however there were a few that were not exactly foreign to me, more a polar opposite of what I think about myself, neither flattering. I spent some time just being there for her being re-assuring and as comforting as I could be. She was much better before she had to go to work, but still a little low.

 

Then the tri-fecta – this was what pushed me over, and snowballed a few things today.

I got a text from my father who is out of town on business .

Now let me Preface this part with: my mom, and her health – it’s never been great, she has Lupus and Fibromyalgia, on top of arterial degenerative disease, extremely high blood pressure and a fucking stubborn streak a goddamn mile wide. She drinks at least 1 vodka and seven-up a day(which leads to gout attacks) , smokes half a pack of cigarettes (despite my working in a vape shop and getting her one[which she doesn’t use]), and just recently (at the age of 72) fell and tore most of the ligaments in her ankle – thus she can’t walk. So all in all, she’s a fucking mess….

So the text – basically said – When he gets back he’s going to take mom to a bunch of specialists, and hopefully they can do something for her, because if they can’t she is going to have to go to a personal care home. My family has a HORRIBLE fucking track record with those places…. it is basically Palliative care, and within a year (two at the most in my grandmothers case, because she was stubborn as a motherfucker) we are collecting their personal effects.

SO needless to say I was a goddamn wreck at work today…. all I wanted was to put my head down, and Plod through the day as fast as possible. My manager (who I’ve been with at work since she was hired) asked me what was wrong I told her about mom…. and her response is – I’m sorryt about your mom, but try and look on the bright side – it IS palliative care but they’re trained to deal with that sort of thing.

Well now – it basically took everything I had to not tell that cunt to go fuck herself with a cheese grater and lemon juice. I did, in a way…..but it lacked some impact, as the didn’t actually reference the word cunt, cheese grater or masturbation.

So, for the rest of the night I lived in my head, poking out enough to make the usual smile, greeting and sale/set up for clients, along with putting away some new product and labeling others. When you do that you get a lot of time to think.

So I did.

Really, everything came stampeding at me all at once, and I started hitting a low, and I mean very low….my body issues, every bad choice, ALL the absolutely epically dumb things I’ve said to people (women, friends, and family) just decided to swim in my head for a while.

I’m still sitting here, stressed, worried, and desperately hoping that vomiting all of this out will help a little.

I know it will get better, but for tonight – I don’t think I can be the strong one. I’m not sure what to do, or if I can do anything, tomorrow will be better.

It has to be.

I’m the strong one, the one who takes care of others. People think we’re carved of stone – rock solid, unflinching, and resolute.

Today I’m not.but Tomorrow is another Day.

Regards,

 

Syn